so. to you. you'll know who you are.

hey, thanks for standing me up for the umpteenth time. no call. no show. no surprise.

feel free to never try to talk to me again. i'm tired of wasting hours on you. you're not yourself. you shape you entire identity around the person you're dating. and everyone's the villain but you in your little soap opera life.

but, you know. it was nice catching up for all of five minutes.

:D

i leave for Basic training in..like.. 18 days.

^ how's that for an intellectual-sounding sentence?

I'll be gone for so long.

None of you had better change.

except for some of you.

who need to grow the fuck up.

you guys feel free; change away! :D

it's supposed to be downhill from here. i hate growing up.

 

i've been throwing temper tantrums a lot lately. just ask kaila or sean. because (except for seeing christa and crystal around sometimes) those are the only two people i've seen.

 

you'd think i'd be lonely, but it's nice to not have to text people or answer the phone. it's nice to have time to sit and draw whenever i want.

 

i finally know the people i can trust and the people i'm much, MUCH better off without. i don't need anyone but those i can confide in and be myself around.

 

but this is all still fucking uphill. 

 

oh and. i have an interview tomorrow that will determine whether or not i go to college. if i don't, then i'll be deployed without a doubt.

 

it's pathetic that this scholarship is the only think that will save me from deploying as soon as AIT training is over.

 

fuck.

i can't think of how to get OUT of my house. I actually kept my temper today. Which I hardly ever do.

 

Once again something small started the argument. I was in the shower so I didn't catch all of it. But of course it was Felicia and Jeff. And my niece and nephew were in the living room. I guess Felicia even got around to slapping Jeff HAHA.

 

So, instead of rinsing my hair (had just gotten back from gym. sweat soaked hair is not attractive, i've heard.) i jumped out and wrapped a towel around myself and went to get the kids into another room. Jeff was too busy with threats, Felicia was too busy arguing with him, and my mom was too busy screaming about how everyone needed to shut up and she's wishes she was dead and she doesn't need this shit.

 

I can't wait until I ship for Basic. At least the people yelling won't be crazy ass depressed motherfuckers any more.

 

On another note, ELIZABETH I'M SORRY I FORGOT TO CALL YOU BACK/ I was really upset about something or I would've talked to you for more than thirty seconds. I'll probably tell you about it the next time I'm home. So Monday night, maybe?

 

KAILA I might not be able to go to the IMA. Lazy has worms really bad and once I get the money I'll be the only one with the hundreds of dollars to take him to the vet. He's a stupid fucking dog but. You know. Dog > clothes. I'm so out of whack about this California thing. It's eating me up and I honestly don't know how to deal with this.

 

I need some fucking hugs like WOAH.

see, next you'll be saying you miss me and care about me, too. shove it.

 

ANYWAYS.

 

ELAINE:: I can hang out any weekday. Weekends are full for the rest of forever though.

 

KAILA:: IMA? yes? i need museum time. and kaila time too. i have shit to tell you.

 

SEAN:: i like your college, even if your dormmate sits |REALLY FUCKING WEIRD OK.

 

CRYSTAL:: vegetarian? OH YEAH I JOINED THE GYM YOU WORK AT. don't be surprised to see me sweeeaaat. (oh baby oh baby.)

 

OOMPA/BULLFROGGERS:: I MISS YOU KIDS.

 

to. everyone, i guess?

got my hair cut. joined a gym. stopped txting people at all. moved past dramatic bullshit, because this particular gal wasn't worth arguing with. grew up a little and realized some shit. played with a huge cat named baby . laughed at movies that used to give me nightmares. said no to a title. looked for a job. realized i'm useless in a sad situation.

 

now i just need to see people. i haven't hung out with anyone but sean for a while. call me if you want to hang out.

 

317.989.1677.

 

EDIT:: oh yeah. i've been drawing out the ass. and i like this stuff more than most of the things i've done over the years. i'll scan it all in someday soon-ish.

i don't even know what's going on in my life any more.
everything's pretty ridiculous.

sooo. i'm a private in the us armed forces now. go me? going into the national guard until i finish college, then i'll probably switch to army.

and everything else is. i don't know. weird. i don't know how to feel about anything. but what else is new, right?

i haven't drawn or written for weeks.

and oh god i just made a sexual joke about pecans. <--- this is not relelvant, but i had nothing else to type. i fail.

i think i'm going to take a shitload of pictures of me, kaila, and trent and see just how stupid we can look. it'll be fun.

A kid I knew in elementary school died, I guess.

 

I don't know how or when, but there are R.I.P.s everywhere.

 

Shit.

 

We're too young.

My brain is in Canada. My heart is in Indiana. My body is tired as fuck.

 

I don't know. I just. Don't. Know.

 

This, from the girl who has all the answers. All the sarcastic witty bullshit comments for everyone BUT herself. Where's my good advice now?

 

Sometimes I hate me. I think I've said this before.

like hurting people, but sometimes there are honestly no ways around it.

 

i do try, though.

 

oh well. it's fucking 4:15 am and i am not sleepy in the least. maybe i'll get in a few hours of sleep if i shut my eyes immediately. but that's not going to happen.

 

if i sit really still then i don't have a bad reaction to the trazodone and i don't fall over.

 

so i've been on the computer for the past hour-ish just so i don't have to move.

 

but i think i'm going to get up and wake sean up to give him a hug, because before he went to sleep i was a bitch to him.

 

i don't like being such a bad friend.

make some plans with me?