Who's faster the bike or El Jimmy? In this case my two feet ...
I'm only sharing to remind you folks to lock up both your wheels at this point. Bike theft is a good sign that people are riding their bikes -- it's kind of a necessary evil.
BUT
There I was with Scotty at the Smoke House on Spring not eating anything remotely vegan and I was thinking about the recycled bike I got from Fabien, my next door neighbor, who got it from his next door neighbor, blah blah ... and I was so good all day long about locking up my rear wheel, cause I had heard about all the rear wheel theft going on lately. There're bikes all over the place when I get to the smoke house and I'm all, "yeah whatever, who's gonna steal my wheel here?"
We eat the bloody remnants of beasts who's faces we will never know and imbibe to forget their faces if we ever imagine seeing them and then some dude in a mohawk, our waiter, looks out the door and exclaims, "hey, dude, I think that guy's taking off with one of your wheels. I think it's YOUR wheel dude, " pointing at me. I don't even finish calculating the tip I owe him. I'm up on my two feet and immediately realize, like-all-primal-and-shit, that I'm gonna have to use my two legs in a different way all of a sudden. Fuck.
I stare out the smoke house window and my bike kinda looks like a veteran on Upper Haight selling his poetry on the side walk and a little 49/16 gear starts going in my belly. I jump outside and that dude is gone, on His bike. I spot him a few blocks away wearing a white T-shirt and figure I can at the very least give him chase, wouldn't hurt, like playing lottery once a year kinda thing.
I get in [running] track form, imagine a 400 meter sprint and start: left, right, left, right, left, right, breath ...
I see dude ahead, about a block and he makes a left off College Street, but I can see around the building, to the other side and I can see if he's going to make a left or right on Broadway. He never clears the building. He must be there, somewhere. He either knows I'm after him or he doesn't and stopped for a pee break.
PEE BREAK
I run up to Broadway just to be sure I didn't accidentally miss him. No sign of him. I run back down College and in an alley there HE was, adjusting his bag and doing his bike thief thing. I walk up to him, mostly calm and look at his bike and then my wheel (to verify I wasn't about to accost the wrong thief of course.) I give him a good, solid palm to his, what? Like tops 17-year-old chest. He's scared. I'm like, "how can I get this kid to learn something good here."
I look at him right in the eyes and take my wheel back. Then I look at his bike and I'm take his bike too, but he's holding on to his wheel (which he was apparently gonna exchange with mine -- doesn't he know anything about gear ratios? See, he should be wrenching at Kitchen.)
All of sudden He gets defensive, "But, that's my bike. How am I gonna get home?"
"YOU walk home. I'll give you my number and you come and get your bike from me", I reply, hoping to put him to work doing something productive. Then the Barneys show up, you know, the purpled faux rent-a-cops that are supposed to um, bring security to um, anyway ... those guys show up. The thief explains to them that actually the bike I'm holding is his bike and that despite whatever I'm saying he didn't steal that bike from me, he just stole my wheel from me. The Barney makes me give him his bike back and I do.
I walk away really wishing that I could have taken his bike home and that we coulda really worked something out. As I walk away I realize the kid still has my axle nuts. I run back, Barneys still keeping an eye on "the situation" and I ask for my Axle Nuts back. He gives them to me and apologizes. He genuinely apologized and was wondering if we could still "work something out", that is, was there a way that he could work off this bad deed he perpetrated.
His name is Carlos. He's mostly a nice kid and that bike I almost took from him apparently his dad gave to him. He's a fast wrench for sure! If y'all get a chance to put that kid to work, well, hopefully the Barneys won't show up and secure the situation.
Thanks for reading and Lock up your wheels!