Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they dont like it, but because its really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so its time we broke it down. Like this.

The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you cant read the emotional road signs, you're going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face.

Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, "although I am about to rock your insides with 3,000 lbs. of explosives, here's a little intimate treat session to show you how I really feel." Instead of a screaming "OH MY GOD!!" like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous "ooohmygodohmygodohmygod." Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (thats French for "eat," you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or a "Calgon, take me away" ad.

Break it down!

1 BE DOWN
Dont go down unless you're down. Unlike fellatio, cunnilingus can never be done as a favor. Doing it when you don't want to will only bring on the dry heaves. Eat like a pig at the trough and a lot of stupid mistakes get forgiven.

2 DONT SAY HI TO DRY
A dry pussy is an unhappy pussy. If your fingers graze a dry bush, go back to the kissing and hugging for awhile. Just make sure you actually dip your finger between the lips. Sometimes moisture gets trapped between the labia and a little fingerial coaxing is all thats needed to get the honey dripping.

Once youre sure the beaver is wet, give it a few light, teasing strokes with your finger. Theres nothing worse than rushing into this, so make sure she's really begging for it before you get under the covers.

Extra tip: Be like Prince and bring up a wet finger that both of you can share like a 1950s milkshake with two straws.

Important: Dont play your trump card too soon by putting your fingers all the way inside. This can detract from the upcoming penetration and kill the tease factor. Try to remember that 78% of a woman's pleasure is about yearning. Poking it in too soon is sure to put out the fire.

3 SUBMARINE MISSION FOR YOU, BABY
Once shes lathered up, its time to go down. Get your fingers out of there and dont touch anything for a bit. Let your lap do a bit of grinding and get some last-minute necking in like youre going away on vacation.

Though it's very tempting on your way down to pull the blankets over your head like the little mole-man that you are, this is a very bad idea. It gets super hot down there and whipping the duvet off your head and gasping for air ten seconds before she comes is pretty much going to kill the mood.

Start by kissing her boobs and stomach and slowly working your way down. Dont get carried away with those stupid tits, though. Thats something you should have taken care of before the pants even came off. Right now its all about the stomach and inner thighs. A little bit of gentle biting is good, but a sure winner is to start at the knee and move towards the muff in a slow, shark-like swoop. Nibble your way right up to the edge of her cunt, then skip across it and head for the other knee. Repeat. Doing this a few times will get her really hot and save you a lot of pussy-eating time in the long run.

When you're just about ready to do the deed, start practicing on that weird crevice next to the lips. Dont spend too long there or she might start to think that you think thats the actual cunt.

By now she should be dying for you to make your move. If youre doing it right, shell be moaning and trying to force your head between her legs. Stretch this phase out until she looks like shes been holding her breath for three days.

Extra trick: Hover over the bush for about five seconds before the first lick. If you wait longer than that, she might think youre having second thoughts because it smells bad. Of course, we all know that motherfucker smells sweeter than a bowl of steamin' crawdaddies.

Important: Never bite the cunt in any way whatsoever. If this needs more explaining you should probably just stick to jerking off.

4 PARTING THE RED SEAS
Isolate your playing field. Pubic hairs are to eating pussy what the Cavity Creeps are to dental hygiene. You're never going to be able to identify all the parts if she looks like that PIL album That What is Not. One hot trick is to get her to spread her lips apart so her pussy is all set up for you like a great big buffet.

5 THE GRAND ENTRANCE
Do your first lick super slow. Its good to groan and moan too. It shows you're digging it while sending microscopic audiophonic vibrations right up her snapper. Start just above the anus and take it all the way to the fur. Do about a dozen of these St. Bernard licks before moving on (take it really slow, like four seconds per lick). This is a good time to figure out what kind of clit she has. If its real sensitive she'll probably convulse as you pass over it and that means you're probably in for an easy ride. If theres no reaction when you graze over her clit, she probably has one of those nerveless little pea clits and you're in for a thirty-minute session of tongue-tendinitis.

6 ROCK THE BOAT
Eating pussy is so gentle it can make you feel like a bit of a fag. If youre getting tired of being ballerina boy, take it out on the clit. Figure out how much abuse it can take without making her uncomfortable and show the little bastard who's boss.

After all, Mr. Elusive is precisely what makes muff diving so difficult. He's surrounded by labia and, even after you find him, all the pressure can pop him over to the side. All of a sudden youre giving the pee hole the seeing to of its life. Think of the clit like a tumor in a pile of ear lobes. When you push down on the area hes the only one that cant be squished. Once one of your tongue troopers finds him, call for reinforcements. Use your lips to get hers out of the way and focus all your attention into getting him alone. Once you find him, give him a bit of a hard time for trying to hide from you. Frisk him and give him a couple of whacks across the head. More on this punk and his bad attitude later.

Extra important tip: The best way to stimulate the clit is to run your entire tongue over it after you isolate it from the lips. The man in the boat should feel the texture of the entire tongue pushing down on his body and his boat.

7 IDENTIFYING THE CLIT TYPE
After the slow licks its time to get this party started. There are essentially two types of clitori. Ones that enjoy a serious going over and ones that dont. The latter suck about as much as a one-inch penis and you should dump her right away.
Extra tip: Clits come in all shapes, sizes and sensitivities, but that doesn't really tell you much. All of them want to be treated slow and soft at the beginning but the only way to tell if you can go fast at the end is by reading her reactions. This is impossible to teach but just do the best you can. All we can tell you is convulsing means take it easy and "Oh my God" means bring it on.

8a) CLITS THAT NEED A SERIOUS GOING OVER
These are the most fun because you can be creative. Pretend your tongue is the bad cop and the clit is the guy who killed your partner. Separate him from his buddies (the lips) and suck him right up into your mouth. Now hes on your turf. Keep him erect by creating an air-tight vacuum chamber in your mouth. Slap the little bugger upside the head with one big tongue bonk. Hes not going to tell you shit because hes a clit and he has no idea what youre talking about, but kick his ass anyway. After a few teasers and swirling circles, rat-a-tat-tat him senseless like a boxer whacking a speed bag. If she starts freaking out like its too much, ease up on the interrogation and go back to the St. Bernard licks. The vacuum is a great way to bring her to orgasm, but its a bit much sometimes, so mix things up with some circles around the clit and some tongue fucking.

As you're closing in for the kill, go back to the vacuum and give the suspect a relentless head smacking. Up-and-downies are usually the most effective, but your tongue will get less tired if you throw in a few side-to-sides. When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You're almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.

Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.

Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isnt over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If shes multi-orgasmic you'll have to keep going until you've done the whole routine another four or five times. If you're not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.

8b) CLITS THAT DON'T
Some clits don't want to be singled out and battered around. These are the boring ones that need to be treated with gentle care. Just do casual St. Bernard licks until she cums, pure and simple. If youre getting bored try going in some different directions for a while. A good way to keep it random is to spell out different letters of the alphabet with the tip of your tongue. You could be looking at half an hour here pal, and that can be problematic. If you go for that long and she doesnt cum, youre going to be in a foul mood, so if it's too much work, move on. On the bright side, going for thirty minutes is something few people have the patience for, so sticking it out will lead to some payback when period week comes around.

9 THE CONCLUSION
Once you're done (totally finished) shes going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you dont move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate. You now have a good minute to get the condom on and take her from the quarters of Prince Muhammad Muhammad Saddat to the cockpit of an F-15.

EXTRA BONUS TRACKS:

1 GETTING FIRED
If two hands suddenly drop from the sky and start pulling you up, you've just been sacked. She'll tell you she never cums from that anyway, but the truth is you suck at sucking. Just give her a jolly good rogering and look at the whole thing as a learning experience. Later you can ask what the problem was so you can get it right next time. If you're really lame, you can ask for a regular play-by-play from the broadcast booth. A bit of the old "slow-down-youre-going-too-fast yeah-there-like-that-oh-thats-perfect" can turn even the John Wayne Bobbit of pussy eaters into a Doug Hart.

2 THE POWER LUNCH
Nothing keeps you in the game and makes her cum harder than a mid-fuck munch. Pulling out in the middle of the race may leave her a bit confused, but its a great way for all you premature ejaculators to simmer down a bit, and it reminds her neglected clitoris that he's a somebody. If, after a few seconds, she still isn't into it, you can save face by pretending you just couldnt resist. Give it up and get back to the boff.

Extra tip: Unless you like the taste of your own latex-covered dink, keep your mid-fuck snacking to the upper clit region and stay away from the hole.

3 THE BOTTOM
Fingers: If you are dealing with a particularly saucy vixen she may want something in her bum. A thumb gives you the best leeway, but keep in mind you are doing a raunchy thing and this should be saved until the end. Incidentally, if youre trying to introduce a bum finger as a good thing, try eeking it in during orgasm. If it doesnt wreck everything you could have a Pavlovian response on your hands for the rest of the relationship.

Hole: We're not going to get into licking the actual hoop in this article because if you're into that, you're way too advanced for this seminar and should have graduated with a PhD in pussy years ago.

Cheeks: Bum cheek rubbing is always good. There are over five hundred thousand nerve endings on those cheeks, so giving them a good squeeze or a slap while you lick the pussy will get you instant results.

4 THE DOUBLE WHAMMY
Though some idiots say it takes away from when you actually put in the dink, simultaneous fingering is a great way to totally blow her mind. Think of it as the crack cocaine of cunnilingus.

5 BEING KNACKERED
Tongue exhaustion is the number one cause of abandoned manging but there are many ways to avoid it. Like we said, using your tongue as an inanimate object is a great way to give it a rest. Stick it out as far as it can go and tense it. Then bite into it with your teeth and move it around the cunt using your neck muscles. Another solution is simply to use your fingers on the clit while you give your mouth a rest.

For some strange reason, men like to insult women by calling them sluts. This is a horribly ill-advised policy; by making sluttiness something shameful, all sorts of libido-blazing women are refraining from casual sexual encounters with strangers. And we wouldnt want that, would we? So knock it off guysthe next would-be slut you mock might keep her knees clenched at the next office party when I hit on her. Stop ruining it for the rest of us!

Now that weve settled slut-bashing, lets move on to slut-evaluation. We all know that sluts are a lot of fun but how do you identify the slut from the prude or the cock-tease? At nightclubs and pickup bars, a guy could throw hundreds of dollars down the crapper by buying flowers and drinks for a prude and get nowherebut just one shot of tequila could induce a slut to strip naked and hop into the backseat of your 1979 Trans Am. Quickly identifying sluts is not only desirable; its financially essentialparticularly in todays troubled economic times. An inaccurate diagnostic evaluation of slutdom costs time and money.

Fortunately for you able-bodied blokes out there, the research wing of the Last Story media empire has devoted a great deal of resources to studying the intricacies of slutdom. And Ive developed some quick hit-lists that can help guys (and gals, who might be bi or gay) spot a slut almost immediately. Simply print out the bottom half of this article and carry it with you the next time youre at a nightcluband consult as needed.

Slut Hint One: Watch the Eyes, Not the Clothes

Its a well know fact that sluts wear tight, skimpy outfits. Unfortunately, so do virginal cock-teases. So rather than flocking to the shortest skirt in the nightclub, its crucial to examine the eyes of each womaneven when that means you must stop staring at her tits for half-a-second. A virginal cock-tease will watch your mouth when you talk, listening to each word and hoping to make witty, flirtatious comments. A true slut wont hang on every syllable coming out of your mouth. She will, however, stare at your eyes, your arms and your ahem, other parts.

Slut Hint Two: Watch the Bar, Not the Dance Floor

Chics that go to church every Sunday, wear white cotton panties, and wouldnt DARE kiss on the first date will dash over to the dance floor and gyrate in a decidedly sexual nature. Folks, this is nothing but a façadea vicious attempt to mimic sluthood. True sluts arent dancing in the middle of a nightclub with their female friends! Theyre hanging out by the bar, sucking down booze, and enjoying male attention. The only dancing most sluts do is when they waltz down to the clinic to wipe out a pesky case of V.D.

Slut Hint Three: Watch the Guys, Not the Girls

Do you see four or more girls dancing and chatting amongst themselves? Well, leave em alone! Theres not a slut in that group. Most women dont like sluts and shun them from inclusion. Guys, on the other hand, dig sluts and will happily accompany em out on the town. If you see one girl talking to three or more guys, theres a fairly good chance shes a slut. Course, theres also a fairly good chance shes the girlfriend of one of those guys, so tread carefully, lest your face get punched.

Slut Hint Four: Watch the Lips, Not the Eyes

Good girls treat their face like its a work of art. And eyes, described by effeminate poets as windows to our souls get special attention. Sluts might apply a dash of eyeliner but generally pay much more attention to their lips. Do you know why? Lips are primary sexual features; eyes are secondary. In fact, lipstick was first used by prostitutes during the era of the Roman Empire in an effort to make their mouths look like vaginas. Bright red lips at a nightclub should definitely get your Spidey Senses tingling.

Slut Hint Five: Watch the Arguments, Not the Tranquility

When goody-goodies converge, theres usually tranquility. Everyone giggles and makes catty comments in a happy little cliquewithout a care in the world! But when a slut enters their sheltered little existence, all sorts of fireworks ignite. Goody-goodies and sluts cannot coexist in harmony; sluts view goody-goodies as naïve and spoiled while goody-goodies view sluts as boyfriend-stealers and immoral harlots. If you ever see two or more women arguing in a nightclub, chances are one of them is a slut.

Slut Hint Six: Watch the Piercings, Not the Makeup

Its an unfortunate fact that goody-goodies and cock-teases plaster on as much makeup as many sluts. So how can you identify the different groups? Body piercings! Particularly any piercings of the tongue. Folks, do you know why women (and men) get studs drilled into their tongues? Its to enhance fellatio. The feel of the cold metal stud on your penis increases the pleasure derived from oral sex. And this spells slutdom more than anything: Any woman willing to mutilate her body in the hopes of marginally enhancing the sexual pleasure of her partner is 99% likely to be a hardcore slut. Nipple rings and clitoral piercings are also indicative of sluttiness but by the time youre in a position to see a nipple or clit ring, chances are youve already figured out shes a slut.

Slut Hint Seven: Watch the Smoke, Not the Good Breath

Maybe its because of an oral fixation. Or maybe its because sluts are prone to high risk behavior. Either way, a higher percentage of sluts smoke than babes in the general population. If you see a chic with bright red lips, a shot of whiskey, and a tongue ring sucking on a Marlboro 100, theres a pretty good chance that shes a slut.

Slut Hint Eight: Watch the Ink, Not the Flesh

Tattoos have gone mainstream; even Yuppie bankers are getting aboriginal art etched on their bodies. But stilla tattoo can be a key indicator of sluttiness. Particularly if its located along a rather tantalizing part of the anatomy. I know what youre thinking: Well, if she has a yin-yang tattooed on her ass cheek, how am I gonna find out about it at the nightclub? Relax! Sluts are proud of all their bodily modifications. If you ask a slut if she has a tattoo, not only will she answer honestlyshell probably offer to show it to you. Sluts arent shy.

Slut Hint Nine: Watch the Tips, Not the Jiggle

A common rookie mistake when slut-watching is to stare like a pervert in need of Ritalin at any chic who walks by in a low-cut top that bares some cleavage. Remember: Cleavage alone does not mean slutdom! A good number of Preachers daughters and Young Republicans enjoy hitting the nightclubs, jiggling some cleavage, and teasing the boys. The true test of wanton sluthood lies a few inches below her cleavage. Sluts, you see, enjoy sex and lack sufficient moral fiber to turn down a romp in the sheets. The thought of sex excites them. So their nipples get hard! Sometimes their nipples get so hard, they can even be seen through a flannel shirt and a winter coat. If her two girls point at youand youre not located atop an Alaskan balconyyouve got a shot at pointing something of your own back at her later that night.

Slut Hint Ten: Watch the Hands, Not the T&A

I know, I know: When a woman walks by in a miniskirt and a tight blouse, your first instinct is to stare at her tits. And then, as she walks away, your second instinct is to stare at her ass. Refrain from these impulses, young Grasshopper! Since miniskirts and tight blouses are also wildly popular with prudes and cock-teases, they cannot be considered reliable indicators of slutdom. In fact, big breasts and a shapely ass are traits shared equally between sluts and nonsluts alike. So whats a man to do? Check out her hands! Whenever a male chats with a prude, the prude tends to keep her hands by her side. But whenever a male saddle-up to a slut, her hands suddenly become nomadic wanderers of the African Sahara. Its almost as if she cant stop touching your arm and your chest while talking to you! This makes sense; people who like sex enjoy physical contact. And really, this might be the most telling indicator of slutdom: A chic with tattoos, cigarettes, red lips, a bellybutton ring, and a shot of whiskey who keeps her hands by her hips while conversing with a stranger is probably a SLUT POSER. But a babe who cant stop touching you while yakkingeven if shes not wearing any makeup and her highlights arent onjust might be a slut. Either way, you should definitely offer to buy her a drink.