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Monday 26/10/2009

Halloween / Nikki
Current mood:

vehement
Category: Friends

HALLOWEEN

Anthony Rapp - RENT, The Broadway Musical

Today marks the death of a very loving and caring entity. This death was that of the essence of innocence, the prodigy of afflüence, the aloof being that woüld follow love's command blindly. This is the death of the one yoü all know and love, but also the one that vexed yoü; the one yoü loathe at times for being too critical, mirroring his own loneliness and früstration.

Say goodbye, it's time for the eülogy.

How did we get here, how the hell . . . pan down, downtown; where happiness and intimacy was the only objective of the evening. Beginning with a fancy engagement, continuing through a lovely affair, and ending with six-months of despair. How could a night so promising lead to something so broken? How could a morning so spousal lead to such wild separation?

Why did Marlon give Drü that courage?
And Danté choose that night to denounce me and my offers just as Donald came around?
Why did Anthony have to break it down?

Why am I the test subject? The one you used as a guinea pig? The one who was put down and then persecuted for retaliating through expression?

And when I capture it in text, in these entries, in this blog, will it mean that it's the end . . . and I'm alone?

I know for a fact that I will never truly be alone. Even when I engage the suitors of the world who have wronged me intimately, or the reliable friends in the world who have turned their back on me and stuck their noses up to smell their newlywed lifestyle, I know that at the end of the day, I am on your mind. I have a good feeling that the true friends are the ones that stuck with you day one. I ignore the boojie bullshit and condescending reality because it clouds my vision.

Now comes the certificate of rebirth.

NIKKI

The-Dream - Love Hate

I learned a valuable lesson from this ghetto white girl once. The outer surface was the lesson of standing up for myself an not allowing others to use me as a doormat. Underneath that valuable insight was something that took me a while to notice, an even more profound lesson; Don't let this person control you and use you. I'd like to point out that I see this going on all the time. As relationships flourish, people begin to learn more about themselves as part of an intimate whole. The one who never knew real love or courage until they learned it from their lover will now hopefully have enough courage to leave that person before their toxicity poisons a good innocent beauty. What's bad is bad and what's good should stay good.

But now it's awful cold in that flat he bought you, and I've gotten over living without you. Fall time, winter time, spring time, summer . . . I'm here to leave you with the last thing you'll remember;

You can play your game,
Though you try, you'll never change
The hearts of the ones that love you.

'Cuz when your lie plays on,
like me they'll be gone.
And you'll wish you had never left Drü.

She needs my love, I'm like the air without me she'll die.

Currently listening:
Rent (1996 Original Broadway Cast)
By Jeff Potter
Release date: 1996-08-27

6:03 PM

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Friday 02/10/2009

I Think I Have a Chance With This Guy
Current mood:

energetic
Category: Life

I THINK I HAVE A CHANCE WITH THIS GUY

What's Her Face - Strong Bad Sings and Other Type Hits

(Song Lyrics)
"I think I have a chance with this guy,
Hope I do a dance with this guy,
Maybe put some ants on this guy,
Guy, guy, guy . . . "

. . . or however it goes.

I'm pretty sure I'd be sailing smoothly through life right now if I had a dollar for every time I heard "Let's just be friends."

I'd love to say "it's just as well, I'm too busy for a man at the moment anyway," but what's a stressful school schedule without a companion to just cake it with? The one for me understands this concept in its entirety, but he's all the way in Long Beach. I'd be set for Long if it wasn't for the distance.

So, now I find myself on that boyfriend chopping block once-again. It's me doing the chopping, and one-by-one, they fail me. Either I'm fucking with a lame, or with an idiot too blind to my amazing potential. Tell me, how dumb do you have to be not to see me?

"Hi, I'm the shit, nice to meet you, and your name is . . . ?"

It doesn't matter because flip-flop game is not in my agenda. I guess I'll go back to waiting for someone right in my position to come around.

I am proud of myself, though. I'm accepting that 9-letter word easier as time goes by. It takes rejection to earn recognition. It's nice when you're told to your face, allowing you to be an adult about it and move on.

What sucks are those guys who don't have the guts to tell you that it's not going to work. I've been getting good at weeding out the wimps before I allow myself to be a victim of being led-on.

It's also not in my agenda to make people jealous. If you turned me down, I'm not going to let my youth show and try and flaunt what it is about me that you're missing; because you were too blind to see me shine, to deaf to hear my symphony, and too numb to feel my pulse in the first place. That's you losing your chance.

"I hope I go to France with this guy,
Hope I put a trance on this guy,
Guy, guy, guy, guy . . .
Bye."

1:44 AM

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Tuesday 22/09/2009

Don't Trust Me
Current mood:

disappointed
Category: Life

DON'T TRUST ME

3OH!3 - Want

This is an afterthought. The rule is not to trust a ho, we know this. But what do we do when the wool is pulled over our eyes? The only answer is experience, I'm afraid. This wool is a fabrication of compliments, explanations, excuses, and wishful acceptance.

But then I have this friend; and he had these warnings; and I was too blind to see a ho in action.

"You say he played you? That sucks. I know he won't do that to me; He told me I'm different. He said he sees something in me, and that we can build somehing. But now he's saying he might try to push me away. That's his warning to me. He tells me not to let him push me away because I'm good for him."

I'm good for him? This is thick, 100% pure wool covering my eyes. One principal I have is that you need to be good on your own before you join somebody else. Men make this mistake too much; leading others on to believe that the time is right when, really, they have no fucking clue; and won't have a clue until they're into it enough to generate a heartbreak. Shame, really.

"So we haven't talked in awhile and I'm starting to go through it wondering where we stand. He told me he doesn't know what he wants. He stood me up. He hasn't made an effort to communicate his situation to me."

But, still I'm there waiting for the situation to improve. Until, finally, I wake up and let him go.

Independent once again, right? Almost. I hear "I told you so"s all from my side, but as he continues to throw me bones from the other side, I start to become destructive. And knowing what I'm in for this time, I get into it.

A product of this "Last Beautiful Girl" destructiveness is my voilent retaliation and his humble retribution. It happened, so what?

All I can say is that sometimes, Karma is a bug that bites you in the ass, but in this case, it was a horse on a Northern California ranch that kicked you in the teeth.

3:31 PM

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Tuesday 15/09/2009

Bed Rest
Current mood:

indifferent
Category: School, College, Greek

BED REST

Electrik Red - How to be a Lady: Vol. 1
(produced by The-Dream)

Here's some freewriting word vomit for you.

I dunno what to do about this reality check. One thing is for sure; I can't let it interfere with my studies or my work . . . Being happy and together with it had enough detrimental impact. I just have to keep my focus, I guess.

Taking extra time to do things for school will be good for me . . . but damn! Why couldn't I have reached this connection at a different time? The answer, I suppose, is that it wasn't supposed to happen this way.

I feel like my next step is going to be ignoring this faltering issue and putting off talking about it for as long as I can . . . but that's not how an adult should act. I can't go back on all I cared about and shut a person out. It's not fair to either person involved.

I just need to put this "like-love-relationship" shiz out of my head. I don't have time to be upset—I barely have enough time to be happy. At least it was tolerable being happy.

It's my responsibility to divulge these feelings . . . but what the hell could possibly keep someone on the other side of the world? I guess it's not my privilege to know, at least not now.

But who knows where I'll be in a year or two? Whatever my personal outcome, I know one thing for sure; I'll be happy and satisfied.

That's the status I should start any adventure with.

4:18 PM

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Thursday 27/08/2009

Last Beautiful Girl
Current mood:

inspired
Category: Life

LAST BEAUTIFUL GIRL

Matchbox Twenty - Mad Season

I don't blame myself for how the last two weeks have transpired, although they have included experiences I would rather forget. It might be considered destructive, but constructive at the same time. I also don't mean to blame the one who strung me along, because I could see myself pathetically struggling to hold on and keep ties tied while, inside I was wondering where my morals were. MOTHER was so wishy washy thin and almost non-existant.

This will be a special brick I lay down that will represent unique two-facedness.

But, this marathon of activity I have recently participated in has left me in mental fatigue. I'm a brand new shiny Fast Car and I'm bad; but I'm rapidly being ran into the ground - my fuel is depleted and my fluids need changing. My brakes were definitely the first to go, as I just couldn't stop myself.

Let's face it. Who am I kidding? I'm no Brian Kinney. I used to admire that demeanor but now all I see is an immature adult, hitting bars and schmoozing everybody like he so often did, episode after episode. Life isn't Queer as Folk, you're a ho if you play Gale Harold at a real gay bar. And I'm going to stay classy.

I like to retain friendships as best I can and not burn bridges with those who I was romantically involved with in the past. I can't say I'd like to ever be with anyone from my past again. Those relationships ended for a reason - part of a bigger picture.

And I need to learn that my strikes need to be strong and assertive.

I just wish some people would take a hint. Bashing me for my decision not to pursue you won't get me to like you, and for those I may have led on, I apologize.

Sometimes following your heart can only take you so far before you look back and realize it wasn't the right path. I learn more and more about this concept everyday, and I cherish these experiences however vexing they may be.

2:39 AM

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Wednesday 08/07/2009

Paper Gangsta
Current mood:

amorous
Category: Romance and Relationships

PAPER GANGSTA

Lady Gaga - The Fame

So far this year, I've learned that everyday is a lesson. Forgive the redundancy. Even in the darkest of circumstances, I know that there is always a lesson left after the clouds have faded. It's bittersweet. I will have my psyche damaged, but for that hardship I earn a badge proving my endurance.

So recently I've learned a definite and valuable lesson, and it involves yet another guy, no, another BOY. Long story short, he led me to believe that he was interested. I don't know what came over me to let MOTHER down so easily, but it happened as I was being led on. Be proud of me, though, guys. As soon as I noticed something fishy, I said "to the left, take your number."

It wasn't until a day later that I received info that he was playing me.

Really? Five other guys? How do these boys do it? I know how. They use their insecurities as bait. They find someone looking and play the LoveGame until they have them hooked. Then to reel you in further, they convince you to "keep it on the low" because they are "private people" . . .

"NEXT!"

I fell for it, yes. And I thanked him for teaching me a lesson.

The next thing to do is move on from this . . . but I just couldn't be satisfied with this jerk doing the same thing to someone else unsuspecting . . . Let's just say by the time I was done working my magic, he was the one feeling alone and confused. Not anybody else. Definitely not me, that's for damn sure.

This whole ordeal opened me up to just how many fake people there are in the gay world (or, in my case, the "alternative" gay world; also known as the black gay world). Since I can remember, I've always just seen how boys these days just act like . . . boys. And they try to play the victim.

I've sure had the better end of this sad story compared to some of my friends. It seems like I hear a new story everyday about how some boys in our little community are just hoes. I don't really judge people on how they act; as long as they don't lie to me or hurt themselves. But it's such a sore sight watching friends in my life that I care about get hurt because they find out that the men they talk to are just in it to be a ho . . . under the excuse of "just waiting for that right one to come along" or "not wanting to be tied down."

Please! Everybody knows what that means. Don't let your personal insecurities lead-on a poor, unsuspecting guy who really does want you for more than sex. I can understand if you're young or new to the scene, and you just have to make those mistakes like the rest of us . . . but what does that say about you—that guy in his late-20s, still trying to have 3 boyfriends at once? It means there are plenty of better men out there than you; men that act their age and don't go after adventitiously younger guys because that's the demographic that they sadly identify with.

. . . but luckily, I have proof that there are better men out there. He knows who he is.

Currently listening:
LoveGame - Remixes
By Lady GaGa
Release date: 2009-06-09

8:42 AM

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Wednesday 01/07/2009

Roxie
Current mood:

contemplative
Category: Parties and Nightlife

ROXIE

John Kander & Fred Ebb - Chicago, The Musical

"These days, you get a little success, and it's 'Good Riddance' to the people who put you there." -Queen Latifah

So I finally watched Chicago. I just want to say that it was definitely worth a see. The part that really put me through it was when they hung the innocent woman. That was sad to watch.

I definitely found one theme in the movie to be very profound. Right after the piece, "Roxie," you notice a drastic change in how she carries herself. Throughout the entire movie, Roxie is a pushover, timid, and unsure of herself. It isn't until her name is splashed across the headlines for the first time that she actually uses her faults and mannerisms to her advantage.

I see good and bad in this. The good side is finally gaining confidence in yourself, which is something I struggle everyday to help people see. You're only as good as you believe you are, and in the end, what's left over is wasted talent. I love that Roxie grew to become one of the "Mean Girls" and earned her own.

The bad side in this is one of the first things I noticed after Roxie's song. Her innocence was replaced with an air of bravado; a "stank attitude," as some may call it. As soon as she began climbing her way to the top, she quickly adapted a cold attitude and idea that she was better than everybody else.

I identify with that very situation myself. I admit I act a certain way when my life is on high, but it's nothing compared to some people in our little community. At the beginning, they are just one of us; a kid struggling to make ends meet and make a name for himself . . . but as soon as they hit 21 and finally get that career going and buy that car, they move on from what they now see as the "kiddie table" and forget about the rest of us who are struggling.

One thing I've learned in this group is that we all take care of each other. So it's puzzling to me how some people can write so many "I O U"'s and then dip out once their life is on track. It's a shame, really. But that just sets an example for the rest of us to abstain from. As I've always been told . . .

"A true D I V A never forgets her roots."

And I know myself some amazing d i v a s . . . ♥

Currently listening:
Love vs Money
By The-Dream
Release date: 2009-03-10

7:55 AM

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Saturday 27/06/2009

Everybody's Fool
Current mood:

exhausted
Category: Friends

EVERYBODY'S FOOL

Evanescence - Fallen

It amazes me sometimes how independent I am. I'm mostly only reminded of this when I see people follow others' opinions just to have something to follow. It shocks me sometimes that when there is a certain idea floating around, the people with the least amount of confidence and security are the first to snap it up and become a "follower."

In my opinion, I like to be real from the get-go. If I feel a certain way, I express myself. I realize that sometimes I make mistakes signing checks that my ass can't cash, but it comes with being human. I never realized until recently that what I do and say can really affect people.

What people don't realize about me is I've gone through my whole life being practically ignored. In the community I grew up in, only the people with status had their standpoints and ideas acknowledged. I learned this from an early age and began to use it to my advantage in becoming a "silent assassin" of sorts. It wasn't until after college when I started acquiring mass amounts of friends that I started impacting people with my voice.

I understand it now, and it's a lesson learned that maybe my friends care about me more than I think they do. It goes hand-in-hand with "Who's to Say."

My beef, however, is how dramatic people can be. I've never seen someone so invested in something just turn it off at the flick of a switch. It angers me that it was such a dramatic flip that opened my eyes, but what's done is done and, like an adult, we all move on and make up.

It takes a big person to own up and apologize for their wrongdoing.

It takes an even bigger person to forgive the other wholeheartedly with or without the apology.

Here's to the friendships that can withstand arguments, time apart, good times, bad times, laughter, love, and hypocrisy.

Currently listening:
The Open Door
By Evanescence
Release date: 2006-10-03

9:55 AM

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Wednesday 24/06/2009

Who's to Say
Current mood:

angsty
Category: Life

WHO'S TO SAY

Vanessa Carlton - Harmonium

I made it to 21. I don't feel old like some of my friends of like-age. But now that I'm official, I'm ready to free my mind and do what I want. I have two different epiphanies that have been haunting me lately in a good way.

One of these is this feeling I have where I want to really make something of myself. By this I mean. I want to touch the lives of each and every person I meet so that one day when I'm passed on, I will have this legacy left behind that is bigger than fame, music, movies, or money; just connection.

I want to be remembered for just being there. Being an amazing spirit. I have discussed this feeling with a few of my close friends and they agree that I have already made an imprint in their life that is steady in growing. I'm not going to say that I want to be remembered for just anything (good or bad), but I want people to hear my name come up in a conversation and suddenly recall that crazy, happy kid that was always smiling . . .

That guy who only wanted love in his life . . .

That man who had so much to give; sans riches, lust, favors, and benefits. All he had to give was love and his word that he would never cease to provide that love . . .

I want to be known for making mistakes and learning from them and owning up to them. It takes an adult to admit that they've made a mistake. I want the imprint of me to be that smiling boy wearing skinny jeans and scarves with a "mean swagger," crazy moves, and a big heart.

One day when I've passed on, I hope to be that man that sets an example of just how to live life.

Being happy in life is so simple sometimes. You just have to want it. You can't be happy by doing things for other people. If you live for other people your whole life, you'll have nothing left when your gone. I'm not saying that putting friends and family first is wrong, but you have to realize that you can never truly make somebody else happy and feel true gratitude for it unless you've accepted happiness in yourself first.

Life is so easy when you just smile. I want the world to know and accept this, and I'll do whatever it takes to achieve that.

Currently listening:
Harmonium
By Vanessa Carlton
Release date: 2004-11-09

6:15 AM

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