Uh yeah, Don't read this unless you're seriously bored. Because this is for me. xD
"God is a concept by which we measure our pain."
John Lennon
"Guilt for being rich, and guilt thinking that perhaps love and peace isn't enough and you have to go and get shot or something."
John Lennon
"He didn't come out of my belly, but my God, I've made his bones, because I've attended to every meal, and how he sleeps, and the fact that he swims like a fish because I took him to the ocean. I'm so proud of all those things. But he is my biggest pride."
John Lennon
"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?"
John Lennon
"I believe in God, but not as one thing, not as an old man in the sky. I believe that what people call God is something in all of us. I believe that what Jesus and Mohammed and Buddha and all the rest said was right. It's just that the translations have gone wrong."
John Lennon
"Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear."
John Lennon
"It doesn't matter how long my hair is or what colour my skin is or whether I'm a woman or a man."
John Lennon
"If someone thinks that love and peace is a cliche that must have been left behind in the Sixties, that's his problem. Love and peace are eternal."
John Lennon
"If you tried to give rock and roll another name, you might call it 'Chuck Berry'."
John Lennon
"Music is everybody's possession. It's only publishers who think that people own it."
John Lennon
"My role in society, or any artist's or poet's role, is to try and express what we all feel. Not to tell people how to feel. Not as a preacher, not as a leader, but as a reflection of us all."
John Lennon
"Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that. That's what's insane about it."
John Lennon
"Possession isn't nine-tenths of the law. It's nine-tenths of the problem."
John Lennon
"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted."
John Lennon
"Reality leaves a lot to the imagination."
John Lennon
"You don't need anybody to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are!"
John Lennon
"You either get tired fighting for peace, or you die."
John Lennon
"I don't intend to be a performing flea any more. I was the dreamweaver, but although I'll be around I don't intend to be running at 20,000 miles an hour trying to prove myself. I don't want to die at 40."
John Lennon
" Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans...."
"War is not the answer, only love can conquer hate."
"You don't need anyone to tell you who you are or what you are, you ARE what you are."
-John Lennon
"To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face." --Stephen Colbert, roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents' dinner
"I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message that no matter what happens to America she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo-ops in the world." --Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD
"I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq." --Stephen Colbert, at the WHCD
"I'm going to miss him, too. Another classy move from a classy guy. The man who stood tall even as his staffers dropped like laundered nickels from an Indian casino slot machine. ... He's doing it right folks -- going out at the top of his game in the middle of a criminal investigation." --Stephen Colbert, on Tom DeLay
"We are divided between those who think with their heads and those who know with their heart. Consider Harriet Miers. If you think about Harriet Miers, of course her nomination is absurd. But the President didn't say he thought about his selection. He said this: "I know her heart." Notice how he said nothing about her brain? He didn't have to. He feels the truth about Harriet Miers." --Stephen Colbert
"And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the "wordanistas" over at Websters, are gonna say, "Hey, that's not a word!" Well, anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen...
"I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart...
"The 'truthiness' is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news...at you." --Stephen Colbert, on the premiere of The Colbert Report
"It's one thing to believe Bush's policies are leading his country toward a bleak future of massive debt, increased terrorism, and environmental catastrophe but does Dean have to be so mad about it? He just comes off as petty. I mean, if America liked angry presidents JFK would have beaten all those secretaries instead of nailing them." —Daily Show correspondent Stephen Colbert, on why he believes Howard Dean is too angry to appeal to the general electorate
Stephen Colbert: You know what you can't outsource, Fareed? You can't outsource balls. America is the world leader in balls.
Fareed Zakaria: You've really got balls on your mind tonight.
Stephen Colbert: I've swallowed 18 condoms full of truth and I'm headed across the border!
Stephen Colbert: Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job.
Stephen Colbert: Just like Brangelina, Bennifer 2, or... Fillam H. Muffman...
[Stephen cracks up over the name, putting his cards over his face, but still visibly cracking up in a rare display]
Stephen Colbert: The merged names... the merged names symbolize your un...
[He cracks up again]
Stephen Colbert: ... got a little something in my eye there. The merged names symbolize your unity and creates headline space, so that the phrase "sex tape" can be printed below it in a larger font. Law number two, marry someone within...
[Stephen almost cracks up again]
Stephen Colbert: ... marry someone in the exact same field as you. If possible, someone you work with. After all, it worked for "Mr and Mrs Smith", "Daredevil" and "The Splendiferous Zeppelin Escapades of Filliam H. Muffman" Not enough people saw that one.
Stephen Colbert: Look, I just think that Rosa Parks was overrated.
Conan O'Brien: Rosa Parks was overrated? That's-that's madness!
Stephen Colbert: Conan, last time I checked, she got famous by breaking the law.
Conan O'Brien: Breaking the law? She was standing up for a whole race of people. She was a freedom fighter!
Stephen Colbert: Conan, how do I know that there wasn't an old, sick, white man who needed that seat in the front of the bus?
Conan O'Brien: How can you say that?
Stephen Colbert: Conan, I'm gonna keep saying this until Rosa Parks's children apologize for what their mother did to that bus company!
Conan O'Brien: You want Rosa Parks's children to apologize?
Stephen Colbert: Absolutly.
Conan O'Brien: Gah! Okay, I'm sorry. I have no choice.
[shoots Stephen in the chest, who then rises up a second later]
Stephen Colbert: [unaffected] Typical East-coast, Ivy League educated response.
Conan O'Brien: [pause] We'll take a break. We'll be right back.
Stephen Colbert: Look, I respect your right to disagree with me. Don't get me wrong.
Conan O'Brien: I shot you very near the heart!
Stephen Colbert: Shave your head, get a wet sponge, and flip the switch, 'cause you're about to get a Truthocution!
Stephen Colbert: Sometimes it takes a crazy person to see the truth. If so, I'm a freaking lunatic.
Stephen Colbert: I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
Stephen Colbert: I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.
Stephen Colbert: George Bush... great president, or the greatest president?
Tim Robbins: Why do you hate the truth?
Stephen Colbert: I don't hate the truth. It's facts I'm not a fan of.
"Who's been screwing the coral reefs?"
"The man nailed Candace Bergen, Jon, back when that meant something!"
"If you're such an expert at being a lesbian, then why are you turning me on?"
"Good maps is often the first causality in covering a two front war."
"The horror...the horror...where had I parked my volvo?"
"There's no way in he-double toothpicks that you'll be Y2K compliant."
"Not everybody who votes wants to have sex with the voting machine, Rob."
"Texas feels like they've been messed with, and that's something we've been warned not to do."
"Someone smells foreign here, and it's not me!"
"Remember that Latin Music Explosion? It's like that, but with sodomy."
"Dean is on the cover of Newsweek this week, and you can't get on the cover of that thing unless you're a complete jackass."
"Many patients said that Viagra made them feel like a teenager again... horny and unpopular."
"We tried to bury that! We put it on 60 Minutes II! Who hosts that show anyway?! Charlie Rose and Angela Lansbury?"
"Does showing crack lead to crack?"
"We cannot judge other countries, Jon... we learned that from Star Trek."
"My father was a poor Virginia turd miner... my father's father was a goat ball licker."
"Jon, I found it crass-tastic!"
Stephen Colbert: It's crab, Jon! In cake form! Do you know what that means?
Jon Stewart: A night of deliciousness?
"I feel like I could topple off one of these risers, and Angels would just catch me!"
"The used to call LBJ 'two potato Johnson'"
"Does Jon Stewart orally pleasure teamsters for pocket change?"
"We're all going to be on the streets, eating dog food! And not that delicious canned food... the dried stuff."
"Hold on, Jon! That's a five-stroker!"
Steve Carell [hugging Stephen Colbert]:"I love you daddy! I love you daddy!"
Stephen Colbert: [singing] "Hush little baby don't say a word, papa's going to buy you a mocking bird"
Steve: "He [Elian] should go back with his daddy! Elian should be with his daddy!"
Stephen: "What?!"
Steve: Elian would be with his daddy!
Stephen: And raise some commie pinko? You're weak! [slapping Steve] Just like your mother! Why don't I get you a bra and some panties and you can dance around, you fairy!
Stephen: Steve stooping to the lowest common demeanor isn't the answer... saying [bleep] or [bleep] can get all sorts of attention. Shouldn't we hold our leaders for a higher standard? What about campaign finance reform? What about soft money? What about school vouchers?
[pause]
Steve: Sorry I faded away for a second.... what were you saying about [bleep] and [bleep]?
"It's time to get my drink on"- Stephen during the fourth anniversary show
"Folks around here don't lock their door-- they deadbolt them"
"The two were found at a Holiday Inn where their late night trips to the ice machine was not undetected. No one needs their Mr. Pibb that cold."
"A pharmasit is not the 'pill guy'"
"This is the future OLD MAN!!"
Stephen: My hearts on fire, too you guys (the singing senators)
Jon: Too bad your lighter isn't
Stephen: Won't you shut up!
"I'm turning you off officer fuzz!"
"Those guys kill me... not literally... yet."- Stephen in Afghanistan
"Look around America, the signs of economic collapse is everyhwere... this Gap behind me recently closed down, no wait, it didn't, maybe it was (pointing) that one. That's a baby gap, there's a kids gap, and there's a mega gap. I love the gap."
"Some people have a fear of god, some of clowns. Well, after today, I have both."
"Amtrak: Their choice for people who either hate planes or think that people on buses are more degenerate."
"Nice spy plane... for me to SNOON ON!!"
"We wouldn't have kids doing the crippled chicken if it wasn't for [Trent] Lott!"
"Use the word 'scoop' it's more newsy."
"I met this man a few minutes ago and god am I depressed!"
"What you just heard why your ears are slowly filling up with blood is 'man in motion' from St. Elmo's fire. Campaign poison."
"We already know that Batman is counting ballots."
"Jon, what do you have against thirteen-year-olds?"
"Learn from the mistakes of others, for the love of god, please do."
"Lemme get this straight, Jon, members of congress have been reduced to singing back-up for 80s novelty rap artist MC Hammer on the steps of The Capitol? The terrorists have already won."
"Highest alert means you cannot get any more alert."
"Not only is it going to be the scariest Halloween ever, it's going to be the scariest Thanksgiving and the scariest Christmas."
"No one in the stands would throw a bottle, but all of them would."
"We only have a minute left... does anybody want to cry?"
"It's eleven-ten my time, ten after eleven your time."
"If Mo Rocca was anywhere near CNN, his trousers would be buried in the most historic poop-a-lance that ever came roaring down the slopes of mount tighty-whitey."
"As you snore your bright young elbows toward your chocolately future, always remember Georgetown University."
"My dear graduates, why don't you ever call? I went by your place, graduate, and all your mail wasn't in your box, graduate... was there someone else there graduate?"
"Truly a dark day for a pastime when a ball field has to be named after a basebell team." -Stephen (hosting)
"If you're in gaming, and you're not a mogul... get out of gaming."- Stephen (hosting)
"In fact, our ratings have dropped ten percent since we have been talking about ABC, so let's move on."- Stephen (hosting)
"[Barry] Williams' only previous boxing experience was several on-set scuffles with TV dad Robert Reed over quote 'hogging the afro pick'"-Stephen (hosting)
"Suicide Face... that was the worst IHOP kids meal ever!"-Stephen (hosting)
"At home, I'm bigger than my TV. At the movie theater, the screen dwarfs me."
"That my friend is trailer-tastic!"
"I hate to throw ice water on everyone's erections here, but this story is not worth covering."
"So parents, if you find that your children are hanging out with a clinically depressed dumper diver and a giant retarded canary, be warned."
"Since Cookie Monster has been on the air, I've gained 135 pounds."
"Some of the stuff we do is 'dude, you don't even want to know'"
"We at the Daily Show are as concerned about drugs as much as the next show which is a SNL re-run."
"I'm sorry, but I get so upset sometimes when I talk about the person in my example!"
Steve: I'm Steve Carell.
Stephen: and I'm Stephen Colbert
Steve: and this Even Stephen never happened.
Stephen: What Even Stephen?
"This is important, Jon, do not take the elevator out of your state!"
"Sorry, Jon, I just get so emotional when I talk about trout."
"I say let the news follow me for a while!"
"Put down the buggy whip, Grandpa! Here, let me put down some fresh parchment and sharpen your quills. This is the future, OLD MAN!!!"
"This is one of these brave men: my grandfather: Pe-pop. He used to drive a vintage '56 T-bird. Sweet ride. He can't drive it anymore though and it sits under a canvas in his garage. Won't even let me touch it, will you Pe-pop? Are you telling me that you went toe-to-toe with Hitler just so a classic automobile can sit and rot in your garage? Give me the car! Give me the car OLD MAN!!!"
"Save your editorials for the crossfire, Col. Carvel!"
"Like most Americans, I hate paying taxes, but I love my roads, my garbage pick-up, and my federal prison system. Public Education? Eh, I home school."
"Smoking is just like your lungs eating smoke. We might as well be eating cigarettes."
"Eat you beatiful bastads, eat!"
"Let's face it, the Iraq show jumped the shark when they added that second President Bush."
"Nice try, Bloomberg... you can't choose to be independent. It's not like being gay! Now, I really want to trust this guy, I mean he's an eccentric billionaire who lives on an island [flashes picture of Manhattan]... for all we know... he could hunt the Most Dangerous Game... MAN!"
Jon Stewart: Kerry could pose a serious threat.
Stephen Colbert: [speaking like a biblical prophet] Threat, Jon? Threat? Tread carefully, newsman, lest your impudence embroil you in the coming battle tide. For the day is nigh when the armies of Rove shall come alive to claim their due. For lo! it has been foretold that the son of the forty-first king shall himself twice be crowned! The treasuries will be emptied! The ads unleashed! And the blue states will run red with the hundred million dollars of hellfire and retribution!
Ringo Starr: "There were some really loving, caring moments between four people: a hotel room here and there - a really amazing closeness. Just four guys who really loved each other. It was pretty sensational."
Jon-Hows your lap?
Stephen- Its empty now Jon.