( Just a heads up.. we Don't remember when we started dating.. If it was Sept or Oct >_<... Only thing we remember is that kids were in school. So we decided to say it was sept..  I guess it seems better or something. I don't know when my one friend got with his gf.. but i think it was like a few weeks before he went out with her.)   

This weekend has been the worse weekend ever.. we aruged, yelled, made fun of one another and for what.. I have no clue.. I woke up to him being "Mr. Hyde" Guess Dr.  jackel drank his potion while i was asleep. All I could think about was what have I done now? Did I say something, do something hell did I smell the wrong way or something? Then looking at the calander marking off the days of this horrid weekend.. and his mood seem to cool down, turning back to Dr. Jackel I still kept my distance from him. But I realized.. as I mark off the weekened.. I realized then what it was and why.. It would have marked our Three yrs togather... this week would have been the first week of us togather for three yrs.. half way point in what would have been a serious relationship. After I realized that I pulled away, I didnt want to argue.. not on that day. He turns to me with that hate in his eyes gone.. flirty, sweet.. picks me up and kiss me on my cheek.. whispering in my ear. "Happy anniversary." I frown at him and shoke my head. "No it would have been.. but not now."

There were many times I could have left him.... Halloween was the first.. I could have went back to a "chapter" I was use to.. that I could have worked with to make last longer, but instead I decided to stay with him.. a totally "new book" he turned out to be.. something I've never had... now I wonder if it was worth it. He tells me "Even though things didnt turn out the way we planned. You changed my life.. you helped me better myself." ( I sware I don't know how 0.o) " And in my eyes you'll always be my gf" ( I never know if I should take that as a good thing or kinda a warning he will be a stalker.) The next few times I could have left him.. were when he met my friends.. straight off the back a few told me he wasnt right for me, or they didnt like him. I smiled and took in their advice yet done nothing about it. Was I that blind, that sad or lonesome. Did I wanted to be with someone that badly... or Did I truely fell for him seeing myself in him and in the end it wasnt myself. I honestly don't know

Anyways the rest of the day he went on as if nothing has happened. No fighting, no bickering, nothing.  I couldn't believe someone could change their mood.. their emotions just like that. I thought I was crazy.. I thought I switched up fast.. I thought I was the worse out there.. Could it be that I found someone worse then me.. I try my best not to believe it. I know im not perfect and I try my best to change to fit their image of "perfection". Yet it always seems once I get close to it.. I become useless.

I've started my second job with the intentions of moving out. Whenever I even give a hint I'm leavin; Dr. Jackel.. he gets sweet and sad.. trys to change my mind.. but I keep my gaurd up. He tells me not to go, we can work things out. He loves me, that he has done everything for me... ~ I ask myself.. why couldnt it have been for us.. not for me alone.. ~ Hyde comes and tells me "leave.. dont cry dont shed one tear because its meaningless"..  tells me how much he doesnt love me and dislikes my friends more so. Then as I pack up he changes again.. tryin to get me to stay... over and over this happens.. driving me up the wall.. surprisied I dont have gray hair yet... The first time that happened, I balled my eyes out. Now he flips out and it doesn't phase me. I pat him on the head and say " You get over it and in the end you'll curse my name and hate the sight of me."

Don't get me wrong, he does have his sweet moments in which I couldn't believe he was the same man that says and does half the things he do. He makes me laugh.. smile, cry, frown, hate myself, love myself, feel perfect, feel ashamed all in one breath... I wonder if thats a good thing >_<

Now I just sit here and wonder what could have been, should have been? Would it have still been with him or someone else? I've grown to accept myself and my flaws.. my imperfection as my own perfection on its own. I am me nothing more.. nothing less.. even now I wonder if I should try with him once more... things were so different back then, he was so sweet... could I grow to love him again.. or should I just let it fade away...  I would grow use to it .. fadin.. but there is always something missing.. hmm.. my qoute for that is "My soulmate died while I was in the hospital."... Which is true.. but that's another story, one that hurts more then this one..

R.I.P C.A.T... In my eyes you were 1 and in your eyes I was nothing less.

So I close this "New book" and mark it "Old", placing it back on the shelf and hope I never open it again. Must move .. forward for mysake, for no one else is going to do it for me.. and I like it that way. People come and go.. its fun while it last but I don't expect; nor ever will expect someone to stay to long with me, a fate I've grown use to a long time ago.

The Show Must Go On... .... Silence... now the show begins...

So yeah... I  haven't started my second job yet.. because of some paperwork I was unable to fill out. WHICH I CAN NOW!... So I'm starting monday for my training.. reason that sucks is because I'm sick as a dog right now. Which might mean I can't work monday.. Son of a bitch!... I need this fuckin money.. I need to get out of here.. sigh.

Decided to do what Rob told me to do and keep to myself.. Ty PB ;3

Rob= PB.. lol don't ask its an inside joke. annyways.. Hoping if all goes well I'll either be on my own or in college by next yr .. hmm i dont have much else to say right now.. because i have a SPLITTIN HEADACK! WTF! MY EARS ARE RINGING!

so far everywhere I've been to have turn out to be beautiful.. ^_^ The day before my trip I couldn't sleep. So I end up finding my outfit and see waht I can do and what I was going to wear. I was dress and ready at 5am.. and I didn't have to leave til 10. @_@ this strange guy was hittin on me while i was ording something to eat for breakfast. Told him I wasn't interested =] That I was a lesbian.. ha!

Anyways I was happy to find I had more then enough money for the tickets! So I went back to a book store and brought "twilight", I already owned the book New Moon and was upset to find out it was a second book of a series. So I was so excited I couldn't sleep I had to read the book!.. found out what I was missing.. Omg i cant wait to get the next two and I dread seein the movie =..

Anyways back to my trip...The trip to NJ was five hours long!... man i had to pee but the view was amazing.. I saw a deer, gopher which was cool!, I got to see a plane and a helicopter land! I've never seen it up close. We ride through Fort Dix I think it's called.. We had to show our IDs... As I got closer I notice the houses in the forest or woods.. it was breath taking.. it didnt look odd. it looked as if the trees.. nature was embracing the small houses... they were blanket in the forest shadow. it felt so welcoming.. Fuck i forgot what the word i am looking for!.. but it was amazing..

So once I got there I was amazed.. Its a lovely area... James showed up in shorts haha.. he looked like a big nerd!.. but it was cute none the less. ^_^ His a sweet guy very nice I just feel bad about his current relationship. Anyways we went and had some lunch ^_^ I was dead tired from not sleepin the night before and he was dead tired from work. (his a customer service rep at a bank). So he dropped me off at my hotel and we called it a night. (No he didnt stay with me.)

The next day he called me and we left and had breakfast ^_^, afterword we went riding around just to show me the area.. went into a few shops and a few buildings  that look really cool and old!, I also got to listen to a few of his CDs which are cool.. like this band called "Faith and the Muse" The womans voice to me is mesmorizing, "Bauhaus" Who reminds me of Voltaire, and I was told Voltaire was influenced by them.

The songs I've heard from "Faith and the Muse" were 'In dreams of mine', Patience worth', 'hollow hills' and 'soul in isolation'. I really Liked ' In dreams of mine', James have interesting music taste but its not dull, I really enjoyed listenin to them and It was great driving music. Very relaxing and  made the ride refreshing.

We ended up at the board walk It was lovely. I haven't been to the beach in a very long time... so I was very happy. We went into a few shops in there. there was a lovely candy shop there I thought it was something out of a movie.  Candyteria.com thats the web address to the store.. it was very cool looking. Then we went to a store that had funny shirts.. BENNY!.. thats what they call tourist.. Pft im no benny... from what i can tell its a bad term as well.

We went to a few arcades and played pinball.. I never really played one before irl.. just on the computer.It was fun!... we found some really old games!.. and I manage to beat him in score on one of the pinballs ^_^. I think the one place we went to my buddy Moses would have loved lol.. it was huge and had tons of stuff there including DDR.

Towards the end of the day we ate at arbes and he showed me some old houses... then head back to the board walk because it was close to the bus I take. We sat there and talked and argued a bit about his gf -.- whos a lazy ... well im not gonna get into that. Anyways...  I had super fun.. and we decided if things goes well I'll come back next yr and this time bring more money.. that ran out to fast so i couldnt do a lot of the stuff i wanted to ^_^ but i shall!.

I tried but didnt sleep on the bus ride home.. but i got there safe... it was like 3am when i got home and sadly as tired as I was.. I still didn't sleep :.. so the next day at work was.. horrid!.

I Don't know where I'm going next.. my sis wants me to visit her <3 you bron bron.. and my budddy in florida wants me to visit him as well. We'll see since I have two jobs now.. i'll work on it.

so yeah.. you know people sometimes say "gonna start a new chapter in my life" fuck that.. I'm starting a new book. Burning the old one and pretend it was all a bad dream... a really long bad dream.. I mean some parts I never wanna forget... and for the most part I'd do it all again. Still there are a lot of things I wish to forget and a few things I wish  I never did or would have done differently.

Anyways.. for the past ... three months.. basicly since my recent bf and I broke up I've been trying to move out. I've had offers from friends and guys that liked me and all of them turn to dead ends.. and most of them well I dont trust them anymore. except Bron, rob (not adenn), umm and angel. You guys offered and I couldnt cause of either to late a notice or not enough money. Well now I'm working two jobs! Hopefully the money wont be a problem >.> just got to cut back on WoW now T___T... not my WOW!...

Anyways... The ex is flippin cause now he knows if he keeps up his act I'm walkin out the door. Anyways I'm hoping having two jobs opens a new door for me. New place, start school, learn to drive.. and then maybe if everything is settled meet someone ;]... Ha maybe...

Anyways yeah... Lets hope for the best, spit on the worse and everything else embrace with a twichin smile.

you know.. ive had a few people die in my life.. most of which ive never met.. so i never cried for them...my god mother died when i was young.. i didnt know her or dont remember her so even now when i think about her.. there is nothing there. Not even a sad feeling.... i've always wondered about it.. death i mean...

yesterday i was removing people from my friends that i dont talk to.. and decided to give my friend a shout out.. well i should have read his comments.. because i just found out he died 4/2/08.... for a moment i thought it was a sick joke but i went back to his page to see it was real.... Dom and I were not close friends.. he invited me to parties all the time but i was chicken shit to go.. but i did finally go to one.. i believe it was his birthday... was very nervous but in the end i had fun... lol i think one of his friends hate me.. but ...

I met him though a friend of his.. and i met his friend though myspace.. though i thought his friend was cute.. i end  up talkin with Dom more then him... Dom was a nutty dude.. him and his fucking EQ.. kept tryin to get me to join EQ and leave WoW.. lol.. then he got in GW and tried to get me to join.. lol silly boy and his games..

.... I wish i did join him.. in all those parties.. even after i told himi cant or no.. he still offered when ever he had a party... even wheni said im stickin to wow he always offered for me to join.. i wish i did... i wish i got to know him more.. he was one person that tried to help me not be shy... and give me some form of sociel life...

lol fucker liked to get me to drink some weird shit.. it was with him i had my first taste of Soco man that shit was great! haha, i hate beer.. but i drank it anyways.. HA i remember when i went to his bday and some weird chick bite him lmao.. it was funny... i was makin jokes about it all night bustin his balls how he likes it rough...

Dom you were some weird dude.. but none the less you always made me smile and laugh.. I'm glad i met you... and i wish i knew what happened ... I'll miss you dearly.. im gonna do my best to have fun while i can.. go party and be sociel.. because thats what you always tried to do with me.. lol..

I finally got rid of the cracker jack.. lol you never liked him.. interesting enough most people didnt.. hehe, shit man.. i wish i took you up on your offers, chill, drink, lol you even tried to get me to smoke pot with your buddy.. it was your bday so i was tempted but didnt.. maybe i should have.. just once..

lol you were always a perv ;3.. but i didnt mind you kept me laughin....

i miss you man.. i wish i took you up on everything you ever asked me..atlest once.. i wish i went to the parties you told me to bring my white ass to..

Dom, i think i called your number once by mistake a few months back lol thinkin it was osmeone's elses.. and realized after i call it might have been yours.. but i never called back.. i totally should have.. atlest i would have gotten to hear and chill with yah once more.. I'm not a prayin person.. but i do pray for you.. and hope your in a better place.. partyin and having fun ... your the first person i know at a personal lvl.. that died... and i understand now... you will be missed... and this pay check... im buyin me some Soco... and gonna drink it in memory of you.. and the party man.. Love you...

I didnt say long at Lancaster.... just like a day or two omg.. it was only gonna be one day. but i had fun, I met up with my buddy Trandon a pally tank from my lock's guild (yes recently been meeting up with friends from online LMAO) He was in kara ;3 what a dork!.. but i got to play phantasy star.. which ive been dyin to play ZOMG I LOVE THAT GAME AND BLUE BURST!. trav is a sweet guy, lol twiches a lot.. (i think i make him nervous ;3) He might be coming down next week to chill with me in philly. woot I didnt get to take much pictures.. he didnt wanna go outside QQ, gah men these days are pussies...

anyways I'm thinkin of either Nj, Maine, or Florida for my next trip.. hell might even go to Purto rico to see my father again ^__^..

I mean, i finally get to travel, im having a blast but right after word I have to work abit harder to get more cash that i didnt earn those days out!

which is why im getting a second job, friend been takin me to the clubs with him and i havent had any invites for partys or going out to drink but im gonna change that.

anyone wanna join a road trip lol Not, sorry.. these are solo trips ^__^

So, yeah I should have wrote this awhile back.. but i didnt..anyways, Since a lot of crap happened I decided to stick with myself.. and so far what ive been doing is basicly... travel... So far ive been to two locations and had fun. Now I think im gonna keep doin it, just not to often i dont make enough money yet.

Anyways I'm stickin to myself and makin myself happy. So work, study, travel and PARTY!... ;3 so hit me up folks.. this girl ready to live life more interesting way.

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Also here, i'll speak of my first trip.. to syracus Ny in which you will find shitty pictures of. I went to hang out with a sweet friend of mine.. a Main tank in a guild my rogue (from world of warcraft) is in. ^__^ HIS AN AMAZING GUY!.. spent the weekend there, met his cat Punkin ^__^ WHO IS SO LOVEABLE I MISS THAT HEAVY FURBALL.

Saw a good movie and omg he lives in an amazing place but at night looks dark as shit!. was sad to go but wouldnt mind going back.. one thing for sure, that one trip started my idea of travelin around ^_^.

The area was nice and the bus ride up there was so boring and tiresome.. GAH!..., was very nervous but then again I've always been that way. hmm.. I dont know what else to say.. lol i watch him do a raid on his allie toon and omg that guild is so funny.

We watched a few movies ones an anime 'appleseed' which I love! another i forgot what it was but ive seen it too i believe.. Oh oh we saw 'Iron man' it was good.. ^_^

 my buddy Adenn is a great dude In real life and is a great friend.. I always got your back man!

Personally I think Myspace should but a option on here a button to have blinky and all that.. bright colors and all so that no one can miss it and it says.. "CONTACT AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

warning: subject is moody, can't seem to shut her mouth. says the wrong things and or wrong jokes. Doesn't understand the meaning of think before you speak and tend to ruin wahtever she touches..

then maybe maybe someone would really read it.. or hell.. someone would find a way to have me banned from sites like this and get me locked up and put away.. so that no one would be worried and everyone safe.

this is my bitch moment.. this is my bitch log of the day.. ... now good night.

On a dark night just like this night she sits in her cold room crying.

On a dark night just like this night she wishes that she was dying.

Her face red from tears because  of her worse fears has came true, she knows she hurt him.
 she jumps with each strike and her bottom lip she bite as the blood forms againts the metal. 
She cuts down deeper as her fear began to feed her hoping it would turn fatel. Her eyes blood shot and her face red hot as she prays that he would still keep her. "I didn't mean it. Well yes I did, but I didn't meant it to hurt. Its just me. Thats how I am, Fuck I'm a a stupid bitchass jerk." she takes one last strike and stares at the blade as she feels it dripping from her arm. 
She stares at the wall as she stabs on her thighs knowing they would leave scars.
 Her roommate bangs at her door telling her to come out. 
She drops the blade and grabs a bottle knowing the result without a dout. 
She takes the whole thing 
all 250 of the pills with a small glass of milk. 
Now she lays on her bed feeling her heart beatng in her head as her thighs and arms pulse with as she fades.

The room becomes cold as her body turn numb as she smiles thinking the pain is finaly done. she gasp for air as her roommate screams as she realizes what her friend had done.

Note: This poem was written a while back. I brought it back up because well  the mood I've been in lately. Well more so recently.  I wanted to put the poem called Friends but then it would be to blunt and showed what I ment. I'll just place it somewhere else next time.

This is the poem of the moment with Mistress M.

~LOCK AND LOADED~

It's interesting I've been trying to keep this thing updated and instead I just let it stay there the way it is with old shit.. lol

Well hmm lets see....

From the time I had cut my hair its growing back. If I wear a baggy shirt and pants I look like a guy cause of my hair *sigh*. which is bbbaaad in my book.

Well anyways last week I went to an interview at fedex and I basicly got the job once they do a background check which I know I have nothing to hide, i'm going to call them tomorrow at 11am to see what they think but to waste the time until then (I dont sleep at night) I've been playing WoW and changed my myspace and this entry. hehe ^_^

But anyways... I have to go.. WoW is calling my name @_@