Jesus Christ!! MY MOTHER CLEANED MY CLOSET ON SUNDAY.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I didn't ask her to clean it, she just did. I've been denying to myself for the past 4 days that she DIDN'T clean the right side of my closet (crazy side.) I just opened the right side today and guess what. SHE DID CLEAN IT.

DAMN.

Okay, obviously you all don't know the previous state my closet has been since my sophomore year of High School (2 years ago) already. Basically I just dump all my crap in there, regardless of what it is. Mostly PERSONAL/IMPORTANT things kept hidden in tin boxes and plastic baskets.

Shit so here goes. I have a plastic basket of which I dump anything I want in there. Basically in the past year I have kept a lot of condoms (I MEAN A LOT - different kinds too), lube (a lot of flavors), sex/hiv pamphlets, love letters, money, notes to myself, etc. (boring random things)

(I know you might be wondering, why is a gay girl keeping condoms and lube in her closet? Is she fucking a guyZ? -- Well, these people at school gave out a shitload of cheap condoms and lube and I NEVER used them so I just dumped them in my basket.)

So I look in the basket today and guess what I see - NOTHING. Just... just a fucking broken ipod!! Jesus!!!! WHERE THE HELL DID MY SHIT GO!?! Even worst, WTF! My mom probably thinks I'm a super nymphomaniac!!!! GOD.

Above my basket thing I had a DVD box of The L Word season one... WTF! With a very detailed descriptions of lesbian lovee. LOL

Don't even get me started with the fucking love letters, JEEEEEEEEEZ. I keep all my letters in a secret thing which I HID deep within things of things. Obviously my mother opened the damn thing containing the letters, to see if it was significant or whatnot. She tucked it nicely right next to another box of love letters. IUGHHHHH!!!

WOW. At least I know that I didn't have any drugs, alcohol or porn in my closet.
OMG. Now that I think of it... I made a homemade water bottle bong during my sophomore year of high school which I kept in there (never used it)?!

Oh yeah, did I mention my stuffed animals are missing? There's a cutting board in a Christmas bag in my closet and a brontosaurus toy. Maybe if I look deep enough I'll find talking beavers, snow, a faun and Aslan??

I quit. FOREVER.
There will be no excuses. No wiffs. No tasting. No touching. No anything.

I don't need it, I never did. I don't want it and I never will again.

I'm not doing this to make anybody proud or happy.
I'm doing this for myself and nobody else.

HATES/Dislikes:
I hate my name. You try growing up with the name CHEERFUL.

I hate math, only because I'm not good at it. I try though.

I hate not earning an A! Grrr.

I hate having anxiety problems.

I hate driving alone. It's so brain numbing.

I hate not having enough sleep.

I hate being tired all the time.

I fucking hate people who copy me, stupid/ignorant people, cheaters (academically and socially), stealers, people who complain about simple shit, close minded individuals (especially the religious types), sluts, posers, people who are full of themselves and greedy people.

LOVES/Likes:
I love music. I like singing and playing with my guitar when no one is around! But I love playing with the drums especially... it's my <3.

I love ALL types of music, but I enjoy indie/screamo & indie rock the most. I know, only losers listen to indie, haha.

I love food, but I'm picky as hell. Honestly, I only appreciate fine dining.
(I refuse to eat mainstream fast food, MSG Chinese food, greasy diner food, processed/uber preserved foods and I avoid microwaved food as much as possible.)

I love working out, especially doing mile runs.

I love getting an education! I love learning something new everyday.

I love swimming at the beach with my friends, but with you* especially.

I love you*!

I'm going to finish this later because my friends are here bye!

Well well well.
What can I say about Spring other than it SUCKED?

If anyone knows anything about me, when I shoot for a goal, I shoot pretty fucking hard. And this semester I was shooting for another rack of straight A's, which I highly doubt I achieve.

Hahaha. I found myself studying more than ever this semester.
What the fuck. Going to the UOG library at 9 in the morning and leaving at 8pm writing essays for two different classes and studying for three tests.

... Nice. Now, this was not only a once in a while thing. It is a fucking all the time thing.

I disappeared. Also the people I knew disappeared as well.
Now I think, was it I who disappeared or them?
Or is this all just an optical illusion? ... Hmm.

Regardless, back to my story.
Tense shoulders. Tense, FUCKING tense. Now I would believe it is safe to say that I suck at psychology, or studying at psychology. I never read the book, well barely and rarely. I never opened it after Chapter 6 (there were 18? chapters). That's how bad I suck at studying psychology.

History on the other hand was a sinch. Despite the many times I have ditched that class, I still managed to ace the tests. I never did well on the pop quizes though, I got zeros! Lol.

English? Oh how fucking bad did I hate my research for writing class. I was getting Fs everywhere. Well, I actually got one F, for my proposal paper. Which is still pretty fucking bad!!! As I said before, I aim pretty fucking hard for my goal (which is getting an A), so I get disappointed with myself pretty fucking hard as well.

Communications? LOL. FUck that class.

Math? LOLOL. Not even credited.



...
Basically spring sucked so badly.
Another weel of angst will be added onto this.
Waiting for my grades, I am Dyingggggggg.

1. invite me to your birthday party, dinner, bash etc.
2. give me at least a 3 day notice prior to the occasion.
don't invite me an hour before your party expecting a stencil from meeh! c'mon people! lol.

that's pretty much it.
gnar.

Well hello fellow readers.
Where do i begin. Semester's almost over and I'm scavenging for the classes I need. Already the nutrition class is closed because barely anyone registered for it. Damn.
I've been waiting for my adviser to be available since Tuesday. Ugh.

Lack of appetite, lack of sleep, hot spells, tense shoulders, headaches etc.
I can't wait for the next session where I have to take even more assessment tests.

My week so far has been a roller coaster.
I'll just say I've been driving a lot to the same place, actually multiple places. Surprisingly I get a gargantuan amount of things done throughout the day.
Sleep at 3.
Wake up at 7.
Eat and shower at 8.
Drive to school.
Arrive at 9.
End class at 12pm or 2pm depending on the days.
Homework, Study, Internet, Conventions. Errands. Errands. Errands. Errands.
rewind. repeat. rewind. repeat.
Come home at 8 exhausted as fuck.

My knees are punishing me for punishing them. In other words, they hurt a lot because I've walked everywhere. I haven't given them the opportunity to rest. But at least I get things done.
I hate not accomplishing anything.
No, I fucking hate not accomplishing anything in my day.
It makes me feel... !@$.

Yet, despite the anxiety tests and panic attacks.
I'm starving. It's like I'm in the middle of the Sahara or something. My throat is always dry. I'm lonely. I'm bored.
And most of all I'm Jealous.

I hate that I can't see you as much anymore.
I hate that I can't go inside anymore.
I hate that we can't go places together as much anymore.
I hate that you won't be in my car as much anymore.
I hate waiting.
I hate that I miss you this much.
Basically I fucking hate this in every fucking way.
And I just want to
shoot and stab and stab and shoot
until I get my way back. Our way back.

Maybe I'm not being flexible. Maybe I'm being too stubborn. Maybe. Maybe.
But maybe I'll adjust.
Maybe.

After this century's over, maybe.

...... you're lucky you're still reading.
I'll delete this when I feel like I should.

easily irritated
unpredictable
needy
demanding
difficult
cold
distant
too private
quiet (lack of communication)
not a good listener sometimes
moody
insecure
inconsistent
not courageous
selfish
retarded
mean
contradicting
a potty mouth
hard to keep
a heart breaker






and other bad traits you can mention
goodnight.

i did this on the whiteboard.
i wrote over my handwriting because my handwriting's ugly.


[click to view larger image]

Infatuation is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion or love; addictive love. Infatuation usually occurs at the beginning of relationship when sexual attraction is central. It is charaterized by urgency, intensity, sexual desire, and anxiety, in which there is an extreme absorption in another. The relationship may have insecurity, distrust, lack of confidence, and the feeling of being threatened. There may be nagging doubts and unanswered questions, so the partner remains unexamined so as not to spoil the dream.

Infatuation is based on fantasy and is often consuming and exhausting. It contributes to low self-esteem because the person looks to the partner for validation and affirmation of self worth. Both people need the other in order to feel complete, and feel discomfort with individual differences. Sometimes both people tear down or criticize each other.

Partners may rush into things, like sex or marriage, and they have a strong sense of urgency so as not to lose their partner. One person is threatened by the other's individual growth, so the relationship may not be enduring, because it lacks firm foundation. Infatuation can be part of learning about love. Some relationships that begin as infatuation later develop into love. However, relationships built solely on infatuation usually do not work out well. They usually end when the fantasies on which they are built fade away.