Warmest greetings to you all! I hope as always that these few words find you in good health and high spirits, and that you're enjoying a most wonderful 2009 thus far? It is New Year's Eve as I write this to you, and I am sitting here alone at my computer. This is traditionally a time for reflection on the past; and when I look back upon the truly insane behaviour of humanity so far during this new millennium, I can sadly see no cause whatsoever to celebrate the dawning of yet another year filled with needless wars, crippling global poverty and untold human suffering. Apologies if my words seem rather pessimistic these days. I write about the things I see and hear around me, and there's very little that has happened in this world to make me smile for quite some time now. I'm actually starting to think that we humans have been cursed with a basic design fault, a flaw in our genetic make-up which now physically threatens our very survival as a species. Our primordial ancestors led an extreme life indeed, enduring harsher conditions than we could ever imagine. I doubt that there are many modern human beings who could survive even a single month in their primitive, brutal and unforgiving world. Personally I don't think I would last more than a couple of days at the very most. The fact that you are reading this today is purely down to the tenacity and adaptability of your earliest forebears, all those who since the dawn of life have won the eternal battle to survive. I imagine that an existence as an early human wasn't far dissimilar to being a member of a pack of wild wolves. Their scant years spent in the 'Cradle of Life' must have been a challenging, brief and bloodied affair indeed. Territory undoubtedly meant everything to them, and there must have been endless confrontations between neighbouring tribes over the very limited resources available. Somewhere during this period of our early human evolution we learned an invaluable lesson; "Folks who either look, speak, smell or in any way behave differently from you are part of another tribe; therefore they are most probably your mortal enemies, or in some way possessed by an evil spirit…even at the very least they are here to steal away your females and/or your food supplies." A dire threat to which all our dearly departed ancestors undoubtedly responded with an angry chant something along the lines of  "Kill them, burn their corpses and dance upon their smouldering remains!!!" When at times I find myself looking back upon the history of the 20^th Century it's often disheartening to realise just how little has actually changed during the last 3 million years of human evolution. This aggressive and competitive human genetic mutation was once our saviour as a species, and yet denied the thrill of the hunt for the last several thousand years we've turned this testosterone-fuelled anger inwards upon ourselves. Living as we do in tiny concrete boxes, often devoid of the most basic human contact, it's really no wonder that we've retreated deep into our race memory. Lacking the constant threat of starvation, rape, murder or probably being eaten alive by some ravening, sabre-toothed nightmare; though modern-day life can often be equally as stressful in exactly the wrong kind of way. Humanity faces a very uncertain future, and this time around the foes we fear are largely unseen. This frightens us all at a deep, subconscious level, and once again our tried-and-tested primitive biological responses stir into action. There are many among us who have already succumbed to this primeval urge; those who mistrust, vilify and persecute their fellow human beings merely due to the fact that they are of a different race or religion – or often simply because they like alternative music, wear some unusual clothing or even support a rival sports team. At a time when our species wields weaponry of truly diabolic power I believe this is an extremely worrying mindset to possess!

Several years ago now I had the opportunity to share a bottle of brandy and a lengthy conversation with a former member of the Waffen SS; the crack troops which formed the spearhead of Nazi Germany's vicious 'Blitzkrieg' killing-machine. This imposing, white-haired old man was no more than a boy as Adolf Hitler's evil movement rose to power, and I hoped to learn from him what exactly could have driven a normally sane, logical and pragmatic people like the Germans to commit such truly hideous atrocities during this time. Following our discussion, which lasted late into the night, I came to the shocking realisation that the potential for this type of behaviour lurks deep within us all – regardless of era or nationality. Europe in the 1920's and 1930's was literally being ripped apart at the seams by serious political and economical upheavals, of the type that we could quite easily witness once again in the not too distant future. The working people of this time were all penniless and starving hungry, and their corrupt politicians cunningly conspired back then to use the religious and racial minorities as scapegoats, falsely blaming them for all their country's financial problems. Hitler and his cronies duped the German population by telling them exactly what they wanted to hear. They gave jobs to the unemployed, the unwitting masses who found themselves working in the armament factories or constructing the Autobahns in preparation for a second global conflict they didn't even suspect was coming. A bayonet is after all a weapon with a worker at both ends! Fascism was then set free to pervade through the entire country like an insidious, invisible virus; spreading slowly at first so as not to arouse too much suspicion. By the time anyone realised what was actually happening out there it was already far too late. It was not unknown for Hitler Youth members to report their own parents to the Gestapo secret police; my friend once witnessed a man shot dead in front of his entire family just for not giving the correct Nazi salute. It was only after the war was over that this now mild-mannered, elderly German gentleman was finally able to mix for the very first time with people from different racial and religious backgrounds. He then realised in his mid 20's, (much to his lasting shame and regret), that absolutely everything his leaders, teachers and superior officers had taught him throughout his youth was all part of a monstrous lie. As our conversation drew to a close that drunken evening, he looked me in the eyes and said; "Young man, one thing I've learned over the years is that just because someone is different from you it doesn't make them your enemy. My biggest mistake in life was trusting and believing in the wicked lies of those people who looked just like me and pretended to be my friends."

And so the midnight hour has long-since passed, and 2008 is lost forever; fallen like a tiny and insignificant grain of sand into the fathomless hourglass of human history. I wonder to myself exactly what manner of future awaits us all. Will this New Year's Day merely herald the dawning of yet another New Year's Evil? Even as I write these words to you I am sure that elsewhere in this vile, corrupt world some funda(mental) religious, business-mad-men are laughing loudly whilst plotting their latest wicked, right-wing schemes; a lone Islamic suicide-bomber says his final prayers, then gives his weeping wife, daughter, brother and trembling mother one last kiss goodbye; and meanwhile not far away from here upon some chilly street a teenage girl is abused by drunken thugs merely because of her style of clothing, or another poor, young lad is beaten to a bloody pulp either for the colour of his skin or football team shirt. Fragile humanity has so far survived countless environmental threats as well as several truly global catastrophes over the millennia; and it's only because of our varied racial and cultural diversity, plus the eclectic talents of all our early ancestors who've shared and united their combined knowledge, that we have been able to survive and prosper as a species to the present day. As we stand on the brink of an uncertain future it would prove bitterly ironic if the thing that ultimately brought the human race to its knees were an ancient and redundant aggressive genetic trait which no longer serves any useful purpose, or has any relevance today on a planet that's swarming with over 6.5 billion equally fearful people. All of our assorted differences, once allied, could yet turn out to be our species' greatest asset. So then my fellow homo sapiens, I guess that the choice is solely ours. Should we all then collectively strive to climb another rung higher on humanity's evolutionary ladder, or would you rather that we now take one step nearer The Fatherland? May your guardian-spirits be with you always. Happy New Year! Martin Walkyier www.theclandestined.com     

The Holy Libel.

Hiya there mere mortals! God Almighty here. Martin Walkyier won't be writing you a Christmas blog for his MySpace profile, because I am now doing it instead. To be honest Martin's been saying far too many blasphemous things about me lately, the sinful little toe rag, so I've cursed him good and proper with 'writer's block' as a form of divine punishment. It seems that I'm getting a very bad 'rep' with the youth of today, in particular with you longhaired, tattooed types. So I thought it about time to set the record straight on just a couple of important points. Firstly, whilst I have numerous different names all over your insignificant planet, I answer to every one of them. Allah, God, Elvis, Jehovah etc., it's all the same to me matey. So sorry, but none of you are my 'chosen ones'- you're all in this shit together I'm afraid. I've already sent more than enough of my prophets down to your scruffy, little Earth over the years - Jesus Christ, Mohammed, David Icke, The Buddha and Bill Hicks, to name but a few. The only problem is you've either killed them off or got totally the wrong idea about what they were trying to say upon my behalf every time. I'm also starting to grow extremely weary of all this Father & Him malarkey by the way, because basically I am neither male nor female. I'm a pan-dimensional being easily capable of creating your entire universe, (amongst countless others), with no more effort than a mere twitch of my divine eyebrow, and therefore not bound by the narrow constraints of either species, race, gender or sexuality thank you very much indeed. I most certainly did not make you in my own image!!! I am your God and therefore I'm well sexy, (you would all instantly orgasm in your humanoid panties if you actually beheld my true loveliness). Whilst you lot on the other hand are just a load of ugly, sweaty and hairless apes. I accidentally created your entire universe whilst suffering from an evil hangover of truly biblical proportions - so just get over it! I've also heard rumours that some of you even doubt that I actually exist. No worries at all, very soon indeed now one of you puny-minded human beings will eventually discover the conclusive proof that I'm absolutely everywhere all at once - omnipotent in fact. lol. My guess is that it'll be some quantum physicist or mathematician rather than any 'holy man' or theologian who finds out my secrets first. God knows, (and I most certainly do), I've left plenty of badly hidden clues lying around everywhere for you dumb-ass, shaven monkeys to discover. If you humans either peer deeply enough down your electron microscopes or far enough off into outer space you'll find my autograph there. I've already tagged it all mate - I guess that you're sadly just too blind or stupid to read my divine graffiti at present?

Your universe was born from a point far smaller than nothing, on a very boring, rainy Sunday afternoon around 13.7 billion Earth years ago, (give or a take a week or two). It popped out with a Bang so Big that you can still hear its echo today if you listen carefully to your TV or radio detuned in-between adjacent stations. Your universe is just one amongst infinite others, a miniscule speck in a limitless multiverse which is beyond most current human comprehension. They all float together, kind of like the glistening soapy bubbles in your dishwater I guess. Each appears out from nowhere; they exist for just a fleeting instant and then eventually dissipate and move on. For such is the transient nature of all my creations. You have thankfully been blessed with an amazing universe in which to live. You've got light, matter, Space-Time and gravity just for starters - lucky buggers! They are the basic bricks and mortar from which you and everything else was made. Yours is also an energetic universe, which is a happening place to be in celestial real estate terms. You know how a piece of music is composed of numerous notes, which travel through the air to your ears? Well folks, the whole of your visible, tangible universe is constructed from vibrating energy waveforms when viewed at the sub-atomic level. In short, it's like you're each a minute fragment of a vast, living, multi-dimensional, interactive cosmic symphony or computer game - and I'm busy making it up as we go along. All rather impressive stuff don't you reckon? Though some of your top scientists may still doubt my very existence, I'm certain they'd agree with me on most of those previous statements. Your universe is a far, far weirder place than anything you could ever imagine – and I know this fact because I am your God remember. Creating sentient life forms is like cooking great Indian food from scratch. It requires an enormous time and effort. The heavy elements from which your fragile bodies are formed have already been forged infinite times before by my own hand within the hearts of myriad stars from galaxies long since destroyed. I gave you human beings a planet in the very nicest region of the most comfortable galaxy system available - with a molten hot core, its own everlasting electro-magnetic field, liquid water as well as a clean, breathable atmosphere, Godammit, and also at exactly the right distance away from the nearest star. I even threw in a moon for free on that 2-4-1 offer I was doing a while back!!! I've invested a hellish amount of patience and energy into making you chaps, and I had really high hopes for humanity as a species; I'd just kick-started your evolution and then naively trusted you to get along with it – and regrettably I must say what a horrendous disappointment you've all proven to be so far!

The Mayan peoples believed that your World would come to an end in December 2012. The way I'm feeling right now, I might well just see to it that they are proven 666% correct. I wiped-out those dinosaurs 65 million years ago because they frankly became far too big, stupid and 'bitey'. Well, the same fate awaits you humans unless you can mend the error of your ways. During a time when the planet I lovingly made for you is rapidly dying, you're seemingly all preoccupied with arguing about which name I prefer to be called by. Offering me talking Christian action-figures and Barbie Dolls wearing Muslim hijab headscarves is not the answer I'm afraid. But stopping killing one another and raping the environment would however be an excellent place to start. I most certainly do not 'speak' to any of your leaders and instruct them to wage their holy wars upon my behalf. If anyone either offends me or takes my name in vain then it's solely my job to sort them out. So stick with your Playstations and leave me alone to play God if that's OK with you lot? Just for the record, I sent my Arch Angel Gabriel down to earth with the strictest instructions to "make George W. Bush irrelevant". Sadly Gabriel's gone rather deaf lately from all that horn blowing, and he mistakenly thought I'd said to make George the president. I guess you've all realised what a truly monumental error this was by now, and hopefully you're taking steps to replace him ASAP? I'm getting sick and tired of constantly hearing those fundamental religious types blaming the World's woes and ills upon Satan, when in truth it's you humans who are responsible for creating so much of the evil that you see all around you. If you read some of the very earliest editions of my most sacred books you'll learn that Satan was originally one of my emissaries, an avenging angel whose services I hire from time to time to help-out with the 'dirty jobs' of punishing, smiting and cursing evil-doers etc. Whilst I'll agree she's not the kind of girl you should ever invite over your mother's house for a cup of tea, blaming all your earthly misfortunes upon her is just a tad unfair in my opinion. If you want my advice, (and believe me you do!), then the people that you really need to be watching-out for these days are those who falsely claim to speak on my behalf. These are the hypocritical liars whose hollow promises will only lead you all down a path to self-destruction and despair. So come along now humanity! Remember that you've only got until December 21^st 2012 to get this planet fixed-up nicely and stop all this damned, pathetic bickering amongst yourselves - Or else I've got a bloody massive meteorite with your name written on it heading directly towards the Earth very soon indeed. Judge you later boys and girls! Amen. God xxx