Like the title says, these are MY feelings.  NOT an accusation.  And no one should be prosicuted or blamed, or dismissed, or yelled at for the admittance of their true feelings.  I’m going to be very blunt.  And somewhat crude.  And if anyone gets their feelings hurt don’t expect me to say sorry, because not a single person has given me an aology for making me feel like i do.

TESS:  I love you.  You are seriously amazing.  But I feel like when me and you hang out, you are concentrating on comforting me a lot.  Its nice of you, and I appreciate it, but its nice to just hang out and have you be yourself.

LIZ:  Quite frankly I dont deserve you.

TREVOR:  WHAT THE FUCK???  WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO YOU?!  YOU ARE BEING SO UNFAIR AND ITS DRIVING ME INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROMEO:  Lighten up.  I love you.  But lighten up.  You take some things too seriously.  Like i said, this is blunt.  And in the past, you have hurt my feelings by saying that I have to make it "worth while" to hang out with me.  It made me feel like I’m not good enough to just hang out with.

ALAN:  I want to be your friend.  SO badly.  But its really hard because even if i dont think you will, I know that you can hurt me more easily than anyone else.  And I still dont know what you want from me.  because it feels like one day we’re best friends and the next you want nothing to do with me.  And on a completely less important note, itbugs me when you ignore me every time theres a girl around.  And its not just me.  If a girl is around you ignore everyone but them.  Like i said though, thats less important.

BRIAN JOYCE AND DEIDRE:  Brian doesnt even have a myspace, but whatever.  Patricia if you read this while brian is home, can you please call him over?  Recently (and ONLY recently) its fealt like you have silently decided to join the ranks of "friends who hate me" and although hate is a strong word, its what comes to mind.  It suddenly went from the four of us together (or me dee and brian, cuz joyce was busy a lot) to the three of you, and im not invited.  When i talk about going to disneyland all the time, and going on a road trip with you guys ther, and then the three of you go on a road trip there without me, GUESS WHAT??  it hurts my fucking feeling.  a lot.  and then you guys all act like it should be normal between us again, and im near tears when im around you.

Sorry if you arent in this.  I love you all.  and that includes the ones who are in this.

Cancer of the Esophagus.  Thats the tube your food gos down in case you dont know.  The average five year survival rate is under 5%.  That means that when diagnosed, there are less than 5% of people who are still alive five years later.  My dad was diagnosed with this yesterday and I dont know what to do.

A lot of the time I wonder if my friends think of me how I think of them.  I dont want that to be seen as any sign of mistrust or anything.  I just wonder if I see things in a weird way.  I see them as people to turn too, and people who will look out for me.  And I know thats not weird at all, but theres other things to it.  I see my friends as people who can do no wrong.  I bicker and tell them i dont like what they are doing but in the end, i want to try everything they do, and experience everything they experience because of my envy for them.  I hate that deidre doesnt admit love, but i wish i could be so strong.  I was i was able to hide my emotions and keep myself from being hurt like she can.  It scares me so much when brian climbs stuff, but i want to know the feeling of climbing in the tree at our spot, and of being so fearless.  I HATE the way romeo drives, but i wsh i had the courage to do half the things on the road that he does.  and the ability to say that nothing happened with a straight face after going over a curb.  I can't stand when trevor is vague, or when he doesnt care about what i have to say... But i wish i had that control.  To be able to live on WITHOUT knowing peoples secrets, or without sharing my own, but my mind just doesnt work that way.  I cant keep things inside, and i cant go without feeling trusted.  Thats probably what I hate worst about myself.  The inability to keep a secret.  And I defend myself on that so often, saying i dont tell secrets to anyone but my closest friends.  But apparently i trust too easily, because I end up telling everyone i hang out with.  I can help it.  It has nothing to do with inability, and I and everyone else all know that.  But I rarely will see people I dont consider to be best friends, and i tell my best friends everything... even when i shouldnt... and im sorry for that, and understand now why I'm not told many secrets anymore.  And why sometimes it is me that people need privacy from.

It's important that I said that.  Because maybe now I can believe it.  And not feel so hurt when I don't get told every little detail of my friends' lives.

Do you ever have a friend that you get so confused about that you think about them constantly, and cry about because you want to understand them and have them appreciate you so badly?  you might not.. I might just be weird.   But sometimes with Trevor I just don't know what to think.  There are moments when i feel like he's one of the best friends I have ever had and then minutes later I'll feel like he cant stand me.  It drives me nuts.  And what drives me nuts more is that I am too afraid to say anything to him directly about it because im too scared that the latter of my feelings will be correct, and I just dont want to lose him.  I admit it, I have feelings for him in a more than friend way, but that has nothing to do with this.  He has done so much for me without even realizing it, and has helped me find out so much about myself.  I wish there was some way to help him in even an ounce of the way that he has helped me, but i feel that such a thing would be both unneeded and unwelcome.  You will probably read this.  and you will probably feel weirdly about it.  But I feel the need to say something through this, because saying it to myself just isn't enough.  I wish it was simple, and that i knew where we are at.  and that i could read your feelings so that you wouldnt have to go through the trouble of saying them, but that seems to not be happening.  I dont know what to do about it, but hopefully someone will.

i didnt feel like sleeping... so i pulled an all nighter and cleaned my room and did laundry all night.  and it was all good and fine to be loud seeing as my father never showed up home.  hes suppose to be at work in about 25 minutes, and wherever he is, he doesnt have his uniform which is on his bed laid out by me so he can get changed fast if he shows in the next few minutes, but i doubt it...

i dont want to go to school.  i dont like school.  every day i go i dislike it more and more.  i dont have anyone to hag out with or talk to.. it seems like the only people i do want to hang out with have better things to do.  i guess its a really good thing i take my test on saturday... but i cant drop out until thanksgiving break, cuz thats when the results are officialized.  november 16.  less than a month.  only 21 school days.  most of which i probably wont even go to... i know that me skipping so much seems ridiculous to most people, but i cant stand the feeling i get at school.

as cliche as it sounds, i feel outcasted.  like theres something about me that just doesnt click with teenagers.  i dont get it...  i hardly even get along with theater kids.. isnt that whats suppose to draw people together?  similar interests?  am i so wierd that i cant have enough in common with anyone to make any more friends than i have?  dont get me wrong i love and appreciate the friends that im close with SO much, but its hard to not always have someone to go to.  theres so few of them, and they have lives.  and we dont really do the same things, so we dont always have something for all of us to do.

which gets me back to what makes people become friends?  i just said that me and my friends dont really have that similar of interests, and yet we are all so incredibly close.  alan, trevor, brian, tess, deidre, romeo...  thats my crew.  and what do we all have in common?  me tess and brian have the intelligent humor thing in common.  me alan tess and brian smoke cigarettes.  me alan and trevor are performers.  romeo and alan are techies.  all of us but brian drink.  me and deidre can be more down to earth with each other than anyone else.  but theres still nothing that ALL of us have in common...

Its weird to think about how i got close to everyone.  alan and i met during the 8th grade play and i couldnt stand him cuz he was a gay hater.  then hes teching a show my junior year and we somehow become best friends after having a nonexistant, confusing, romantic thing.

i was tess's first friend in fremont, back when she moved here in 8th grade.  her and her long flowing blonde hair, and an intelligence that just drew me to her.  she was like no one i had ever met.  and we got close pretty fast until we had one fight, but when we got over it, we were that much closer for getting through something like that together.

sure brian and i hung out in the same place at lunch time freshman and sophomore year, but we never really talked.  i talked a lot with his brother and sister, but no so much him.  one day alan and i are having a cigarette during the one acts junior year, he rides up on a bike, and all of a sudden we're hanging out together all the time.

me and romeo met through his sister, liz,  who was godsent to me to keep me alive between freshman and sophomore year.  at first, to be honest, it felt like i had to mentor him, and that he was really slow, but as we got closer, ive now started to look up to him.  he is someone who always goes for what he wants, and believes in things, no mater how strange or simply unbelievable they may be.  hes ever the optimistic type, and he makes everyone smile.

trevor... heh...  after a very bumpy way of getting to know each other during brighton beach, we didnt really talk much.  but it suddenly just reclicked.  since then i can talk to him about anything and everything.  he makes jokes about my problems most of the time, but i know its just because he doesnt want me to think too much about them.  he was my shoulder to cry on after junior prom, and will always be honest with me.  He always has control, even when he doesnt know it.

and then deidre... we've only known each other for a few months, and yet we are completely comfortable around one another.  we have the oddest conversations, and me and the guys teach her about man stuff haha.  we arent dating nor are we attracted to one another, but put us ina store and we will be bickering like a married couple on a budget.

we are all so different, and yet im so close to each and every one of them.  its not like i have no other friends... but they're my crew.  the buds.  the group.  the ones i call when im bored, only to be told that they cant go out til the weekend.  they keep me sane.  and give me the exact opposite feeling i get when im in school... where i feel like im being stared at for being the fat faggot kid who is too smart for his own good.  only alan and trevor are in school with me... and they are usually so busy that we dont get to do much.

its sad... but i dont even feel comfortable in the drama room with ballin like i used to.  too many people that dont like me... it was nice being the freshman with talent.  but now everyone sees me as the show off senior.  the one trying to make everyone else look bad....  they can all shove it where the sun dont shine.

i just cant wait to get out.  im sick of classes.  im sick of ass holes in the halls.  im sick of the name calling, and the dirty looks.  im sick of teachers butting in where they dont belong.  im sick of being a number in their system.  im just sick of high school.

car accident, im a bad influence, called my ex boyfriend and cried.

that was the basic layout of my day.

ide say, on the whole, it pretty much sucked.

4 years ago, the last thing i ever thought i would be doing is sitting on my porch at 12 50 AM and smoking a cigarette as a wait for a call to tell me whether or not im going to go drink with two girls who i think cant even stand me.

its so weird to know that i have to hide things from people i love, and that i know love me because i think if they knew, their love would disintigrate.  already by writing this, i am worried that i am going to lose a cherished friend, but for once im going to be completely honest.

I'm 16 years old.  I smoke, and drink, and although i almost never do it, I've gotten high, and probably will again.  I have the innability to hold a relationship, and any time i get into one, i make excuses for why i have to get out of them.  The person who i once cared about more in this world than anyone else has drifted so far from me that i dont tell her anything anymore, and neither of us can trust each other, even though me not trusting her is completely unjustified.  The person who i think is my best friend moved in with me, and yet i still see her just as rarely as i ever have.  I am bisexual, liking guys more than girls, but still liking girls despite what anyone says, and thats not going to change.  I've lost nearly all sense of taking care of my body, and i know that i have gained back the weight that i was so proud for losing.

I have a crush who is probably not available to me, and if it turns out that they are, i will probably make a reason to not like them anymore because i cant trust anyone to be in a relationship with me.

As lame as it sounds, im someone who gets their feelings hurt when i see that im not on someones top friends when they are on mine.  I dont like cursing, which sounds dumb, because i curse, and i wince when people say "thats gay" even though im not gay, im bisexual, and personally i think that me finding that as an insult is completely justified.

I have lied to get myself out of situations, and i almost never do my homework on time.  I say i dont wanna go to college because it wont help me in the profession of acting, but really its for fear that ive messed up so much in highschool that i will never get into a college worth going to.

I miss my friends that have graduated, but honestly think that none of them miss me, and wonder if they ever considered me close to them at all, despite how close i felt i was.

I'm lucky enough to have a handfull of amazing people to talk to, yet i cant let myself talk to any of them, because i feel like if i do, ill be spilling all my problems on them, and i dont want them to have that burden.

I think my life sucks even though i KNOW that i have it pretty well off.  im passing all my classes in school, my dad still pays for everything, and i have good friends.  and its not like i get beat or anything anymore, not since my dad divorced debbie when i was seven years old.  I think i know a lot more than i do, and will sometimes make things up to win arguments because i cant stand losing.

and btw, i just lost the game, sorry to people that know what that is.

basically what im trying to get out of people is this:
have my morals completely changed?  and am i a bad person for doing the things i do and feeling the way i feel? and is it bad that i FEEL like im a bad person?

and this is totally gonna be the worst ending for this blog ever, but i need to know if i should do beauty and the beast with starstruck, or highschool musical with stage1

im pretty sure ill get a better part in highschool musical, but starstruck is a much more.. well lets just say that its ranked higher on how good the shows are.

and if i should do beauty and the beast, wtf should i sing, cuz the auditions are in a week...

Can Can Cast List

so yea...

im currently in musical "thoroughly modern millie" and ive made some friends, and stuff, but nothing that great.  i mean... ive met a couple people that i really think are great...like natalie hawkins, and elizabeth and some others, but i havent like..hung out with any of them outside rehearsal...

i went to a party on friday where i had a lot of fun, and found out that im apparently a REALLY good kisser.  and i started to crush on someone a lot that night...  its one of those things where you thought of them that way before, and then you get it to go away, and right when you think its TOTALLY gone, it all comes back tenfold.

i got to see my brother like 2 weeks ago.  he came down to stay with me and dad for a few days.  it was a lot of fun.. i miss him a lot when he isnt around.

the distance between me and liz has put a huge strain on our relationship (liz is one of my very best friends for those of you who dont know.)  but we are trying really hard to stay as close as we can be.  hopefully starting this weekend, it will be a lot easier, because shes getting her jeep wrangler, which has been er dream car for a long time.  but the point is that she can come get me, and drive over to my house and stuff.  ill feel bad if im making her use a lot of gas tho..  so i'm gonna make sure i give her gas money every once in a while.  its expensive these days.

im missing my friends from school A LOT.  like tess, kyla, katie, aurora, jordan, stef, nora and kelsey...
especially tess and kelsey...

sometimes your friends can seem very close, and trustworthy, but it can be a lie...  i've always trusted ashley, and she left me near tears yesterday... im truly finding out who my real friends are.  its too bad that those i trusted the most i'll almost never see again... except tess, derik, elaine, and liz.  they are the only good friends i have left.  sure, kelsey is a great great friend... but i'll honestly hardly ever see her anymore...  but the four good friends that i have... they are well worth not having many.  quality over quantity... and the quality of those people shines brighter than the sun...

dont get me wrong if i didnt mention you.  i dont mean to belittle any friendships with others... i love you really.. its just... ok unless you're really immature, you understand what im saying.

im wanting school to start already...  just so things can seem normal... and i can get AWAY from my dad.  hes recently had more surgeries on his ankle, and hes more irritable than hes ever been my whole life.  to the point where hes making me physically sick.  and we live together just me and him, so ive had like NO life...
bites...

well...if you're reading your prolly HELLA bored with my complaining lol.

life isnt all bad i swear...

i just cant think of anything particularly good right now...

cept i MIGHT (and thats a humungous might) be dating someone soon... BUT with my luck i stand absolutely no chance and m reading every single possible signal wrong.   SOOOO we'll see...

thanks for reading... you rock.

Love,
Matthew