Dearest Tap-heads,

There have been some rather unsavory rumors going about that I am not the actual Derek Smalls, that this is not my real moustache but rather an implant cultivated from the DNA of my great grandfather Liddel B. Smalls, and lastly that Belinda actually appeared as a male in another (non-Zamboni) film. Although the last allegation is still under investigation at Scotland Yard, rest assured the first two rumors are entirely fallacious. Admittedly, I cannot blame other less-monumentally gifted musicians for masquerading as members of Spinal Tap. We are Britain's most sought-after employer of drummers, after all. Even I get jealous of me from time to time. Sometimes I even make prank telephone calls to Nigel pretending to be myself. (Apparently I'm quite a good actor. He hasn't caught on yet.)

Thank you all for your concerns. Continue in your vigilance, and above all else, propagate the truth, whatever it is.

Sincerely,
Derek Smalls
Spinal Tap