This looks like it could be interesting....

Well, it IS Christmas.... but if you are religious (or if your religious sensibilities are easily offended) then you probably shouldn't watch this one.  ;)


Hmmm let's see...

                      
                       RELIGIOUS                          EASILY OFFENDED RELIGIOUS SENSIBILITIES

                       YES       NO                                          YES         NO 
       
Blue Stater:                    X                                                           X


Looks like I'm good to go!            


Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics

Marc | MySpace Video

Dan O'Bannon, co-screenwriter of ALIEN, passes away

Posted by Patrick Sauriol on Friday, December 18, 2009

I might have to go see this....

Man, I haven't been this psyched about a movie since The Lord of the Rings was in production!

From Robert Howard, the creator of Conan (the character, not the movies): Solomon Kane

Looks fucking incredible.....

Well, not "new" precisely... yes, another remake.  Well, Battlestar Galactica worked... perhaps they can do this one right.  It is network television, so I'm not REAL hopeful, but the preview is sufficiently creepy that I am intrigued....


              V

Funny how cleaning out one's attic can reveal treasures. (After you read my short story, you may find that word debatable, but there it is. :)  )

Many, many moons ago, I wrote a parody of Star Trek: Generations.  My buddy Max and I were planning to make a comic out of it, and it fell apart for one reason or another. Several computers later, I had noted that this short story hadn't managed to migrate with my other writing projects and I thought it was gone for good, a victim of the Digital Age.

While cleaning out the attic, I found a floppy disc, labeled "Writing and stuff, including Generally Sucks."  As it turned out, the parody was also called "Generally Sucks" and  I called up my friend Nadine, who is the Last Person in America to own a floppy drive, and handed the disc off to her. I didn't really expect much; magnetic media being what it is.  I figured years of the alternating hot and cold extremes that is my attic would have ruined the disk for good. 

There were six files.  Surprisingly, three of them were salvagable. One of them was the short story.  You will see notes to Max about how I wanted certain scenes drawn. You will see juvenile (and in some cases very dated) humor. Enjoy.

One more thing: Myspace sucks. "DATA" with a : on each end of it is apparently an HTML command.  All instances of Data's did not translate well, until I changed it. That is why all of his dialog is preceded with a dash rather than a colon

(I.E. Picard: Make it so.  vs Data- Long Range sensors are picking up an anomaly, sir!)

Myspace.  How thee sucketh.

Note that as I was going through this 15 year old story fixing all of the "Datas" I saw the opportunity to stick a lot of new stuff in here and there. Next thing I knew, it had undergone a fairly major re-edit.  Consider this the R-Rated (strong language) "Director's Cut".  I I tried to make it a point not to delete anything while adding new stuff, but some of the more painfully stupid scenes did get the axe. The new scenes are a vast improvment in my opinion.

Here's the story, already!



Star Trek:  Generally Sucks

Picard:  Space, the Final Frontier...

Kirk:  These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise.

Picard (giving Kirk an irritated glance):  Her continuing mission...

Kirk (Frowning at Picard)  To explore strange new worlds....

Picard (Glaring at Kirk with increasing hostility):  To seek out new life and civilizations...

Kirk  (Becoming really angry now): To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before...

Picard:  Look, stupid.  It's "No ONE.  One."  This is my show, so beat it.

Kirk:  I was reading the trailer for this series while your granddaddy was in diapers.

Picard (Shoving Kirk):  Your time has passed, old fart.

Kirk (Punching Picard):  You ain't no spring chicken yourself, baldy.

Picard:  Baldy?!  The Prince of Smooth Scalps just called me baldy!

  The two of them degenerate into a free-for-all.  Cut to....


Scene 1, Bridge of the USS Enterprise B.  James Kirk, Monty Scott, and Pavel 
Checkov enter the bridge.  Several reporters immediately shove microphones in their faces.

Reporter 1:  Mr. Scott, what do you think of the new Warp Drive design?!

Reporter 2:  Mr. Checkov, do you think this new ship is up to par with its predecessor?

Kirk:  Gentlemen, ladies, let everyone speak in their appropriate turn.

Reporter 2:  Sorry, sir.  Didn't mean to roll over his question.

Kirk:  No, that's not what I meant.  I meant I should be the one you talk to first.  These two are just window dressing and serve no purpose to the storyline.

Reporter 2:  Well, sir, some people could say that about you.  The only purpose you serve to this plot is to show up and die.

Kirk:  I am...never...window dressing.  Next question.

Reporter 1:  Do you think that the captain of this ship could fill your shoes?

Kirk:  He couldn't fill a glass of water at Niagara Falls when compared to me.  Actually, nobody can.  I am Captain Fucking Kirk!

Captain Cameron:  Well, are we ready to get our little cruise underway?

Kirk:  Yes, Captain.  And thanks for honoring yourself with my presence.

Cameron:  Oh, no problem.  Helm, take us out.

Ms. Sulu:  Aye, sir.

Checkov:  Look, Meester Scott!  It's Sulu's daughter!

Scotty:  Oh, yea.  Wonder why she's here?

Checkov:  Vell, I think she's here to introduce the first of many plot threads that the writers von't do anything vith.

Scotty:  Huh.

Ms. Sulu:  (Giving Scotty an appraising look): Well, since the writers aren't going to do anything with me, why don't we go to my quarters and see what you can do with me?

  And so, the Enterprise B slides gracefully out of spacedock and accelerates into space.

Cameron:  Love, exciting and new...come aboard...we're expecting you....

Kirk  (Beating Cameron repeatedly about the face and head): Stop it!  Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Cameron:  When Cameron was in Egypt’s Land -

Checkov, Scotty, and Ms. Sulu together:  Let my Cameron goooo...

Cameron:  So, what do you think of the new Enterprise B?

Kirk:  Well, she's fine, except for one thing...

Cameron:  What's that?

Kirk:  Her Captain.  He's not me. I am Captain Fucking Kirk!

Ms. Sulu:  Captain?

Kirk and Cameron together:  Yes?

Each officer gives the other an icy stare.

Cameron:  Yes?

(Scotty is in Sulu's lap all wrapped around her.  They are both in the process of making out heavily.  It should look especially amusing, since Scotty is probably about 5 times her size, and she is still doing her normal work at the helm.  Man, it feels weird calling "Sulu" a "she!" Although I guess it turns out George Takei might not agree!  Oooooh SNAP!)

Sulu:  I'm picking up a plot contrivance on short range sensors.

Cameron:  On screen, Lieutenant.

  The "Energy Ribbon" appears on the screen.  Stuck within it are two civilian-looking transport ships.

Kirk:  Let's go save 'em.

Cameron:  But the ship's not ready.  We don't have warp drive, deflector shields, weapons,  transporters...

Kirk:  Wussy.

Cameron:  ...or coffee makers.

Kirk:  Turn this ship around.  Get us back to home base immediately.

Scotty:  Sir...

Kirk (Punctuating by chopping right hand into open left palm):  What is it, man?

Scotty:  I think I can reconfigure this rope (holding up coil of rope) to tow the ships out of the energy ribbon.

Kirk  (beginning to ham):  Does that mean Mr. Checkov is going for a spacewalk?

Checkov:  I'm trying to cut back.

Kirk (really hamming now)1: What about you, Mr. Scott?  Care to put on a spacesuit?

Scotty pats his enormous belly, giving Kirk a regretful shrug.   He and Ms. Sulu enter the turbolift arm in arm.

Kirk (in full ham mode now):  I...guess it's up... to me.


Scene 2, Enterprise B airlock.  Kirk enters, wearing space suit and holding Scotty's coiled rope.  The airlock shuts, and Kirk jumps out into space.

Kirk:  Be ready to beam me aboard once this is ready.

Scotty (from Kirk's intercom):  Captain, I dinna think she can take much more of this!

  He moves to the stranded ships and ties the rope to them.

Kirk:  Wait a minute, Scotty, weren't you with Ms. Sulu?  Oh, well.  Kirk to Enterprise...It's ready...go to full impulse power and energize! 

Scotty:  I'm givin' her all I've got!

Kirk:  No, wait... I mean energize and then go to full impulse power!

But it is too late.  Enterprise B has already moved away, towing the stranded ships with them, leaving Kirk out there in space.

Scotty:  Captain, she's about to blow!

Kirk:  Well, damn.

The Nexxus races towards Kirk.  Kirk faces it boldly, fists clenched and his chest thrust forward.

Kirk (Thinking): This will not take me. I am god-like. I am invincible. (Speaking): I... AM... CAPTAIN... FUCKING... KIIIIRRRRRKKK!!!!

The Nexxus engulfs Kirk


      78 YEARS LATER

Scene 2, Picard's quarters.  Geordi and Data are busy scrubbing the floor on their hands and knees.  On the walls in the background, it is written "Q is Cool".

Geordi:  I can't believe the captain assigned us to clean his quarters.  It's degrading!  It's a damn good thing we're not Union.

Data- Perhaps he was not amused by our attempts at humor.

Geordi stands and picks up a can of Ajax.  Written on a different section of the  wall is "Q is Great"

Geordi:  Our attempts?  I wasn't the one who put the hand buzzer in the Captain's jockey shorts.

Data-  Yes, perhaps that was a bit too much of the initiative on my part.  Still, I continue to fail to comprehend humor, in spite of your best efforts to educate me on the subject.

Geordi walks into the bathroom (Out of our field of vision.)  Now, it is written that "Q was here... (Couldn't you tell?  Hehehehee)”

Geordi:  Naaaawww.... that was pretty funny.  Heheheee

Data-  I do not comprehend why.  I think I must now try Lor's emotion chip if I am to progress any further in my understanding of humor.

Geordi: Yea, okay.  I'll put it in your head after we're done.... Data!  Get in here!

Data hurries in.

Data-  What is it?

Geordi (gesturing into toilet, awestruck expression on his face):  Look.... it's the Captain's Log!


Scene 3, Bridge of  Enterprise D.  Picard is sitting calmly in his chair.  Throughout this scene, Worf is in the background, leaning over his tactical station, painting Picard's head to look like an 8-ball.

Riker:  Sir, we just received a distress call from an observer outpost in quadrant 1234.56.  They say they're under attack.

Picard sits serenely in his chair, apparently unaware of what Riker has just said.

Riker:  Sir, I just reported that one of our space stations is under attack.

Picard continues to ignore Riker.

Riker:  Sir?  Sir? Sir?  Captain Picard?

Picard:  Yes, Commander Riker?

Riker:  I just reported an attack on one of our stations.

Picard:  Yes.  I know.  Were you talking to me?

Riker:  Who else?

Picard:  Well, you said sir.  My name is not sir.    (Riker slaps his forehead, really annoyed.)

Riker.  Never mind.

Picard.  Right.  Mr. Data, get us there, warp factor 9, engage.

Enterprise D goes into warp, really flashy because this is a movie instead of tv.


Scene 4, observer station.  Geordi, Data, Riker, a few security people (targets instead of comm-badges) beam aboard.  The station is a mess, with bodies and debris strewn everywhere.

Worf (pointing at Romulan body):  Looks like the Romulans did it, sir.

Riker(wondering) : I wonder why.

Geordi:  So we could get those spiffy Romulan suits into the movie just once.

Riker:  Hmmm.

Doctor Sorann:  Help me....I've got to blow up a planet so I can return to the Nexxus.

Data-  Sir, this person is trapped.  (Points at trapped doctor Sorann.)

Riker:  Coming Data.

  A brief look of lust comes over Data's face.

Data- Not yet, baby.  Not yet....

Riker:  Huh?

Sorann (still delirious):  I don't care who I step on in my quest to return to the Nexxus.

Geordi:  Hmm.  I wonder what he's doing here?

Sorann:  Ow....this beam is cutting off my oxygen!

Data-  Wouldn't you rather know what I'm doing here?

Riker:  I know what you're doing there.  You're feeling my left buttock.

Geordi:  Of course!  The emotion chip!

Sorann:  Choke, slobber...

Riker:  But I would have thought that since Data was so obsessed by humor, that he would suddenly get all those jokes we've told him over the years.

Geordi:  Commander, he hasn't been laid in seven years.  Even Vulcans get nuts when thier seven years is up!  The torture must be killing him.  Quick...throw him down and screw him!

Riker (Wide-eyed):What?!

Data-  I like that idea, sir!

Sorann:   AAACCCCKKK!

Worf:  Sir,  this man is dying.

Geordi:  Damn it, man, you don't know how dangerous it is to ignore this situation.

Worf lifts the beam off of Sorann (briefly growing a Super "W" symbol on his chest) and picks him up by his collar.

Sorann (still delirious):  I'm going to change the course of the Nexxus by blowing up a sun and killing the two billion inhabitants of that star system.

Riker:  If only we knew why this man was here with all of this strange equipment.

Sorann (shaking his head to clear it):  Oh.... thank you.  I can stand now.

Foreground:  Worf sets Sorann on his feet.  Background:  Data gropes Commander Riker's crotch, causing Riker to squeal and kind of crumple inward.

Sorann (walking over to a control panel):  You'll have to excuse me...I want to make sure this equipment is still functioning.

He pushes some buttons and a missile fires from the space station and moves toward the sun.

Sorann (Grinning maniacally):  Yup.  Still works!

He grabs Geordi, and a transporter beam takes them both away, leaving Worf and his security team looking stunned, Data looking lust-ridden, and Riker looking nervous.  The sun explodes, and the Enterprise speeds away.  Do whatever you have to with the backgrounds to make this scene more humorous.


Scene 5, corridor on Enterprise.  Picard, Riker, and Data are walking toward our POV, while in the foreground, an absolutely terrified Spot the Cat is running from Data, who is eyeing Spot up in that special kind of way, also toward our POV.

Picard:  We found out that the Duras Sisters are the ones who beamed him away.

Riker:  Damn.  What is their involvement in this?

Data-  Involvement?  Who are you involved with now, you slut?

Picard:  We're not sure.   But I'm going to ask Guinan.

Riker:  Why would she know?

Picard:  Because, both she and Dr. Sorann were rescued from the Nexxus almost 80 years ago.

Riker:  Ah.  Another handy-dandy plot contrivance.

Picard:  Yup.


Scene 6, Guinan's quarters.  Picard enters.   Her quarters are really groovy, with psychedelic posters and candles everywhere.

Guinan:  Oh, Jean-Luc, people will talk.

Picard:  Er, yes.  Of course.  I won't be long.

Guinan (grinning):  Is that good or bad?

Picard (really flustered):  Can you tell me what Dr. Sorann is up to?

Guinan:  Why, yes, I can.  He is going to change the course of the Nexxus by blowing up a sun and killing the two billion inhabitants of that star system.  This will allow him to return to the Nexxus, a place of Nirvana and Soul Asylum.  I know, because he's been there before.  So have I.

Picard:  U2?   (Slams fist into palm):  Of course!  Riker's report!  That's what Dr. Sorann was talking about on the space station.

Guinan:  What did he say?

Picard:  He said, "I'm going to change the course of the Nexxus by blowing up a sun and killing the two billion inhabitants of that star system."  Damn, I don't know why we didn't see it earlier.

Guinan (soothingly):  You couldn't be expected to decipher such a cryptic clue.

Picard:  We've got to find them.  They've got Geordi.

Guinan:  Why don't you go to Stellar Cartography?  Perhaps a there's some sort of clue there.

Picard:  Hmmmm.... I don't know.  We might be pushing our luck with all of these plot contrivances.

Guinan:  That never stopped us before.

Picard:  Good point.  Thank you, Guinan.

Picard leaves, and Guinan stops hiding that joint behind her back and hits it, looking satisfied. Then she frowns and glares toward our POV

Guinan: Jesus Christ, this is my only scene in this?  FUCK YOU! No, I mean it.  Fuck you. I'm gonna go talk to my fucking agent because this is fucking bullshit.

Scene 7, bridge of the Enterprise.  Picard enters.

Picard:  Set a course for the Lysol Star System, warp nine, engage.

Data (coquettishly):  Engage?  But, sir, I hardly know you.

Picard:  Hm.  That emotion chip is causing you to act very irrationally.  Maybe we ought to have
it removed.

Data (grinning brightly):  Eat shit, JL.

Picard:  Very well.  Prepare to go to battle stations as soon as we thrust into the system.

Data-  Huh, huh.  Huh.  Huh huh.  He said "thrust."

Enterprise enters the star system.

Worf:  Sir, I am picking up an incoming transmission from Dr. Sorann's ship.  Should I beam aboard and kill him?

Picard:  No, Mr. Worf.  We are on a peaceful mission.

Sorann:  (on viewscreen):  Hello, Picard.  If you try to stop me, I will kill your chief engineer.

Troi:  Sir, I sense that his intentions are not peaceful.

Sorann:  He has been a very handy hostage.

Data-  Huh, huh.  Huh huh huh huh.  Huh-huh.  He said "Handy."

Sorann:  I'm actually feeling quite smug.

Troi:  Sir, I sense that he is feeling smug.

Picard:  Give me a minute to converse with my officers.

Picard pushes the "HOLD" button.   On the Klingon ship, Sorann sits back in disgust as elevator music spews from his intercom.  He is seated at a desk, with a Klingon officer standing nearby. There is a glass of water sitting on the desk.  Written on the glass is "Water and Power."

Sorann:  What is this?                                              

Klingon Officer:  Sounds like Cole Porter, sir.          

Sorann:(looking disgusted):  I hate Cole Porter.     

On board the Enterprise........    

Worf (coming down and standing next to Troi.):  I still say....

Troi:  I feel...  I feel great pain.

Worf:  What is it, Deanna?

Troi:  You're standing on my foot.

Worf:  Oh!  (Jumps back.)  Sorry!  (Recovers composure.)  I still say we should screw him and kill the Duras sisters.

Everyone looks at him oddly.

Worf (blushing):  I mean kill him and screw the Duras sisters.

Picard pushes the hold button and returns to his conversation.

Picard:  Doctor Sorann, I would be willing to exchange myself for Mr. La Forge.

Sorann:  Hmmmmm.....Sounds like a good idea.  I'll see you in the transporter room, then.

Riker:  Are you sure it's a good idea, sir?

Picard:  Yes.  You're in command, Number One.  Just don't provoke the Duras sisters into attacking you.  If they destroy the stardrive section and force you to crash-land the saucer section on Lysol 2, I'll be very put out.

Riker:  Umm... yes, sir.

Picard enters the turbolift. The lift hums along for a moment, then stops. Dr. Crusher steps in and joins him. The turbolift resumes. They ride in silence for a moment.

Crusher: Going aboard the Klingon ship, huh?

Picard: Umm-hm.

Crusher: Maybe get yourself killed.

Picard: Well, sure, there is certainly the possibility...

Crusher: You know, they never did let us boink on the TV show.

Picard: Er, well, no.

Crusher: No matter how much the fans pleaded.

Picard: Beverly, are you suggesting that we, er, well.... that we do... (Blushes furiously) ...it?

Crusher: It may be our only chance!

Picard (pressing the "Stop n Lock" button on the turbolift): Make it slow, Beverly.

(Lights go out for several panels)

Picard: Beverly, are you Twittering?


Scene 8, Klingon Bird of Prey; bridge.  Lursa and Betor are gloating gleefully.

Sorann:  Now you can.... er, what are you doing?

Lursa: I'm gloating. 

Betor: Gleefully.

Sorann: Er, yes. Ok. As I was saying, now you can take over the Klingon Empire, since I have given you the ability to blow up a sun.

Lursa:  And you can use the gravitational flux of this exploding sun to change the course of the Nexxus so you can return to it.  And thanks to the Klingon spy device we cunningly hid in Mr. La Forge's VISOR, we will soon be able to spy out the  Enterprises's Deflector Shield frequency, and destroy them, and they won't be able to stop us!

Betor:  Wow... it's very hard to give information to further the plot in a humorous way.

Sorann (Checking fingernails for dirt): Hard for some.

Scene 9, Enterprise transporter room.  Picard beams out and Geordi beams back in.
Attached to his VISOR is an odd contraption... it looks like a box with a single tube pointing forward away from Geordi's face.  On it is written "KLINGON SPY DEVICE(tm)"

Crusher (Running medical scan) I don't see anything wrong...  it looks like they didn't mess with your VISOR.  I suppose you're ready to return to duty.

Geordi:  Great.  I'll be in Engineering.


Scene 10, surface of Lysol 2.  Picard and Sorann are talking about stuff.

Picard:  Don't you realize that you'll be killing 2 billion people if you do this?

Sorann:  Yes, but just think, I'll have solved this planet's unemployment and crime problems.

Picard:  Oh.  Good point.  (Thinks for a moment.)  I don't suppose I could get you to launch this device at a certain Starfleet Admiral...

Sorann:  It's too late for that.  Soon I will return to the Nexxus, and all joy and happiness will be mine.

Picard:  Joy and happiness?

Sorann:  It's what the Nexxus is all about.  (Gets a glazed look and begins drooling)  Miss July... (Homer Simpson-like.)


Scene 11, Bridge of the Enterprise. 

Data-  Sir, the Klingon ship has raised its shields and is locking its torpedoes on us.

Riker (thrusting chest out importantly):  They wouldn't attack us.  We are the Flagship of the Federation!

The Klingon ship attacks the Enterprise.  Air masks descend from the ceiling, like on an airplane.

Riker:  What's going on?!

Data- The Klingon ship is attacking the Flagship of the Federation.

Riker:  Oh.  What can we do?

Troi:  You could try bringing every weapon this ship has to bear on the Klingon ship.  Even though they have found a way through our deflector shields, we are still more than a match for that dinky little ship.

Riker (Self-importantly) Wow, Did ya think of that all by yourself, doll?

(Riker turns away from Troi's utterly astounded and furious expression)

Data-  We could have all the men dress up as women and all the women dress up as men.  Then we could sneak away during the confusion.

Riker:  Mr. Data?

Data-  Yes, sir?

Riker:  Mr. Data, go sit down.  Once you are there, please be quiet.

Data-  Yes, sir.

Riker:  Anyone else?

Worf:  Sir, I think we can reconfigure the deflector dish to emit a beam that will trigger the Klingon's cloaking device, thus rendering their shields inoperative.

Throughout all this, of course, the battle is causing sparks and smoke and throwing people all over the place.  During the dialogue, have the fire department arrive and start hosing down the place in the background.  Also, for no reason, have a toilet sitting somewhere in the background backing up and spewing water and shit all over the place.

Riker:  I like this plan.  Get to work on it right away.

Data-  Alter our equipment so that it does something to an enemy that it wasn't designed to do?  There's something we've NEVER done!

While Data talks in this panel, Worf is in background pissing on a control panel.  His back is to us, and he has twisted his head around to meet the reader's eye.  He is waggling his eyebrows with a wolfish grin on his face

Troi:  I think it'll work.  It always works when we do something gimmicky.

Riker: Are you still talking, babe?

(Riker once again turns away from the hurricane of anger crossing Troi's face)

Worf (Returning to foreground, and zipping up):  The equipment has been reconfigured.

Data (Getting excited):  Excellent!  Fire at Will!

Troi: NO PROBLEM!!

Troi draws her phaser and shoots Commander Will Riker.

Data (Frowning): That's not what I meant.

Riker:  Ow.

Enterprise fires.  The Klingon ship fires at the same time.  The Klingons destroy the Engineering section of the Enterprise, and the Klingon ship explodes.  Have a dialog box from the exploding Klingon vessel that reads "I am NOT enjoying this..!"  The saucer section spirals toward the surface of the planet.  Two dialog boxes from saucer section: "Weeeeeeeeeee!" and "Data, shut the fuck up!" It bounces several times.  While it's bouncing and sliding along the surface, have several NASCAR racers pacing the saucer.  Finally, the saucer comes to a halt.  On the bridge, people go bouncing everywhere.  Clearly visible on the ramp is Troi tossed in mid-air above Riker's prone form. Even while flying through the air, she is brandishing a dagger like she means to use it. Riker does not look brave. Airbags deploy from the front of the bridge.

Scene 12, Surface of planet. 

Picard:  Damn you, Sorann, I cannot allow you to do this!  I must stop you at all costs!  The might of Starfleet, and goodness and justice must prevail!

The next panel is Picard's very surprised face, the lower half of which is covered by Sorann's fist.

Picard:  Ow!

Picard runs toward our POV, tears streaming from eyes.  Sorann is in the background with his thumbs in his hears and his fingers a wagglin'.  Oh, stick his tongue out, too.  Why not?

Picard (While running):  Waaaaaaaaaah!

Sorann launches his torpedo, and the sun explodes.  Show the Enterprise Saucer about to be engulfed by the explosion.  Dialog box from doomed saucer: "Don't you fucking 'imzadi' me!!"  The Nexxus arrives at the planet.

Scene 13, inside the Nexxus.  Kirk and Picard are talking.  Picard is still wiping tears away and sniffling mightily.

Picard:  And... and he... then he... sniffle!  ... and then he HIT me!!!!    Waaaaaaaaaaaah!

Kirk (shaking his head, seemingly sympathetically):  You wussy.

Picard:  And on top of all that, I think the Duras sisters destroyed my ship.

Kirk (Firmly):  Nope, I don't think they did that.

Picard (Hopeful):  Really?

Kirk:  I don't think the producers would do the same thing in two movies, and we already destroyed the Enterprise in Star Trek III: The Search For Spock.

Picard (grimly): There is a Darkness at the Next Generation set, and that Darkness is called "Berman."

Kirk:  (Karate chopping palm of hand): Damn. We'd better get back and stop this Sorann.  Leave it to someone of my abilities to restore goodness to the Federation.  After all, I'm James T. Kirk, and no one can do the job better than James T. Kirk.  And that's the God's honest truth.

Picard (whispering): And we'll show that bully, too.  I bet he didn't know I could get Captain Kirk after him.  (Grinning maniacally.)


Scene whatever...  Sorann is walking down the walkway. Captain Kirk steps out from behind some machinery. His hands are jammed in his pockets and he has one of the meanest swaggers you ever saw on a Starship Captain. He is clearly in the mood to kick some ass.

Kirk: I am Captain Fucking Kirk!  (sitcom audience cheers riotously)

Sorann (haltis, makes warding gestures): What??

Picard: The Nexxus exists in all times, so we just re-appeared before you destroyed the sun!

Sorann: What a steaming pile of nonsensical bullshit.

Kirk, Picard, Sorann together (in a teasing voice like the gang used to use when Scooby did something silly): Berman!

Kirk throws a punch and they scuffle. Picard hurries off to sabotage the missile standing in the background.   Now, remember that these are two sixty-year-old men fighting on this walkway.  I want dentures flying, toupes a falling (You know who wears the toupe...) Depends Undergarments-a-tearin'...

 While they are fighting, Kirk slips on a banana peel and falls off the bridge.  As he hangs in the air preparing to fall, he holds up a sign that sez "The End"; you know, like Wile E. Coyote.  Then he falls to the desert below.  Try to draw the desert with Kirk falling down like a Road-Runner cartoon fall.

Kirk:  Shiiiiiiiiiiiitttttt!!!!!!!!  Doh! (Homer-Simpson-like)

Sorann turns to Picard.

Sorann:  Picard!

Picard (tossing aside a kitchen sink that he has ripped out of the missile): Yes?

Sorann (waving gun):  Get away!

Picard (muttering to self):  Damn... I didn't get anything sabotaged in time.  Damn.

The panel's lights go out and Sorann smacks it, looking confused.  Then the pink Energizer bunny goes walking by, beating his drum.  Sorann opens up a panel on the side, revealing SuperVolt Batteries.

Sorann:  Uh-oh...

The missile and the control panel and Sorann all explode noisily.

Sorann (dying):  Ow.

Picard hurries down to where Kirk has fallen.
 
Picard (kneeling by Kirk):  Oh, my goodness.  I didn't expect you to slip on a banana peel and fall off a bridge.  That was really stupid.  You are a stupid, stupid man.

Kirk (Gasping for last breath):  I think we forgot to take the grim Berman into account.

Picard:  Oh.  Sorry.

Kirk:  It's okay... Since this is Star Trek, and I'm James Kirk, that means I can't die.  And if I do die, it won't be permanent.  No one can run the Enterprise like me.  And that's the God's honest truth.

  (Picard rolls his eyes and buries Kirk, leaving him on the ridge.)

(Long shot of pile of rocks on ridge.)

Kirk (From beneath rocks):  Picard?  Picard, come back here.  Spock?  Spock, damn it, this isn't funny... Spock! 

(Even longer shot of pile of rocks)

Kirk:  Damn it, this is Star Trek... someone get back here and revive me right now!  Picard?  Spock?  Hello?  Hello? Damn it... I am Captain Fucking Kirk!


    Scene whatever.  Wrecked bridge of the Enterprise.  Picard and Riker are talking.

Picard:  Boy, you sure screwed up my ship.

Riker:  'Sfunny.... I always thought I'd get to sit in that chair someday...  (Indicates Center Seat.)

Picard (gesturing at chair amid the ruins of the bridge) Be my guest.  It’s all yours.

Riker makes a nasty face at Picard

Picard:  Well, I'm sure there will be other ships named Enterprise.

Riker:  You mean I may still get to be Captain someday?

Picard (smirking):  Yea, right.  You destroyed my ship, and you expect me to recommend you for another one?  No way, buster.  You had your chance, and you blew it!  I mean, you really screwed up. 

Riker (Becoming angry): Man, I saved your ASS at Wolf 359.

Picard: That's right... you had your chance to be Captain, and you blew it then, too.  And remember the time I was stranded on a planet without any food and water?  You could have just warped out of orbit, and no one would have known the difference.  (by now, the two men are walking into the sunset.)  All your life, you've consistently screwed yourself over by not taking the opportunities when they came to you.  You know why?  Because, you're a daaaaaammmmn idiot, that's why.  A daaaaaaaammmmn idiot.  If I'd been in your shoes, I'd be an admiral by now.  You know why?  Because, I'm not a daaaaaaaaaammmmn idiot.  That's why.

(From behind, Troi leaps into the POV and plants a dagger in  Riker's back.)

Fade to black

Don't be a dumb-ass.    ;)

http://www.mania.com/futurama-back_article_115591.html

FUTURAMA is Back!

26 New Futurama Episodes coming to Comedy Central

By Jarrod Sarafin     June 10, 2009
Source: Comedy Central Statement