made me smile

http://www.pbase.com/denisedee/image/117109968

Feeling disconnected from myself and from other people the past couple weeks.   Starting shooting some photos to try to find my way back to myself.

http://www.pbase.com/denisedee/what_i_saw_today

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQNknNX7HoA

Exquisite!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLSqHUrOXBw

I'm ready to buy a synthesizer.

I had a few days off this week which gave me some time to catch up on my reading.   One of the first books I dove into was Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser.   Lesser is one of the founders of Omega Institute which I think of as a new age think tank.  

Early in the book when Lesser's first marriage is crumbling she visits a trailer park psychic whose business card reads:

Name: The Mouthpiece of the Spirit
Location: The Road to Truth

The psychic informs Lesser that the soul contract she had with her husband is over and if she stays with him "You will be living in 'dead time'.  If you live you will be born again"   She relays some other astounding insights and then stresses the only question that matters is "What does your soul want?"

Lesser than shares with us some stories from her own life and following her soul even when she did not know that was what she was doing.

In a chapter titled The Shaman Lover she quotes:

The great epochs of life come
when we gain the courage
to re-christen our evil
as what is best in us

Nietzsche

That was just surprising and so beautiful that I started to cry.   Truth be told, I was crying a lot while reading this book.   Lesser has an affair with a man her intellect thinks is 'preposterous' - but they connect instantly and deeply.  I think many of us have probably had a lover where we knew going into it- that the relationship would not last- but we also knew it would be life-altering.  

I'm still struck by that quote hours later.   No wonder people developed some crazy ideas about Nietzsche being 'evil' here he is turning the world and 'religion' or 'moral's upside down.

Lesser also quotes from a Goethe poem given to her by her 2nd husband when they were first going out.   She now gives it people that she knows are in the process of breaking open (or out)

And so long as you haven't experienced
this:to die and so to grow,
you are only a troubled guest
on the dark earth

from The Holy Longing

People in some of my new age communities are all about 'love and light' and turn away from any mention of the dark.   I would feel cut in half if I was to turn my back on the dark as I believe they are both necessary.   I think the weeping I did while reading this book is a recognition of both the times I left and was left and for the beauty and the courage of people following their souls even when it isn't easy.  

Went to see a great exhibit of Polish posters from 1900 to 2005.   They were collected by a man named Martin Rosenberg who now has a gallery in Santa Fe.   The posters were mostly for plays and films.    The designs were stunning.   Many of them added a 'darkness' to even the most upbeat of plays or movies.   Equally stunning to me was pondering how the Poles (during Communist days) had even heard of some of these plays to produce.   I didn't think information was flowing between the U.S. and Poland for a good number of years.   The young man working in the gallery pointed out one poster and said that it had only hung for one week!   As much care appeared to go into it as if the designer were thinking it would be permanent.   Reminded me also of how little love America (seems) to have for theatre.  I'm going to back to that gallery and spend more time in it.  Must have looked at - at least 200 posters but could have easily looked at 200 more.

Moses used his chest high walking staff to hoist himself onto the bus.  He was almost bent over backwards from the weight of his backpack.   He sat down next to the driver and in a weary voice inquired as to how the driver had been and then quickly informed the driver "I buried my brother yesterday'.  
"I'm sorry to hear that" - the driver responded.   Moses spat out "Don't be because he's done with all this bullshit"
The driver waited a while before replying "Was he sick?"   Moses answered "No, he was only 58.  A car he was working on fell on him and crushed him"
They went back and forth for awhile talking about the proper way to jack up a car, the use of bricks, and different ways to die.   Out of nowhere the driver asked "Was it his car?"   Moses answered "I don't know" and then after about 30 seconds said "I'm not going to lie to you, I have no reason to lie to you, the police said it was a stolen car"   
 
When the conversation started back up they talked about autopsies and having your chest cut open if the cause of your death can't be determined.   Moses reflected that maybe God had pulled a cruel trick on his brother by keeping him under the car for awhile, cutting off his oxygen so he suffocated and then God said "It's time to come home now.  I miss you"
The driver sat with that one for awhile I could see him looking at Moses in the mirror his mouth open but no words coming out.
 
Moses' shoes were dusty and deep lines crossed his face.  His hair was sticking up in the back as if he had just woken up.  He leaned forward heavily onto his walking staff and for a minute I thought he was going to start pounding the floor to summon the spirit of his brother or start wailing.
 
For the next few stops everyone on the bus stopped talking and we rode in silence.