Old fattie Fern, she's been shedding the lard off, but not with exercise. They reckon she's done it the crafty way by havin' one of them gastric bands put round her stodge pipe. It's perfect for a big old unit like her because it means she don't have to do nothing. She just fills up as usual with her pastries and that while larking about on the sofa. Thing is though, she can't get nowhere near as many of 'em in as she used to. And it's not for want of trying neither. In no time at all she's stuffed right up and straight off down the lav for a clear out. But what about Schofield? Surely he should be joining in. If it's nil by mouth you want, I reckon they should put one of them bands round his windpipe. That way, everyone's happy.

That Lord Laidlaw, he's a tragic figure with his sexual addiction. He's been struggling with it for decades he reckons. Thank god he can afford all them prostitutes in Monaco, that's all I can say about it. Imagine the state he'd be in if he couldn't? Poor bastard.

I can remember going through a similar fing meself when I was a bit younger, waking up each morning wiv an 'ard on thinking, Oh no, not again. When will I be free of this terrible curse? Lucky for me my wife, by way of her proximity, was able to put paid to it, and I've been in remission now for the best part of ten years. Touch wood. 

Terrible news. Just as I feared, Kerry is about to be dropped from the Iceland campaign. 'She no longer fits the Iceland demographic,' a spokesgeezer has said. Eh? You're 'avin' a Turkish bath, me old fridge-freezer. No one does Scouse chav slapper like our Kerry. Not even Danielle Lloyd, though she tries her best. She's pure method, that girl. No one to touch her. In a class of her own. What sort of effect is this gonna have on her mental health? It's gonna put her right on the brink.

I tell you, Health & Safety needs to get them tits boarded up ASAP. She'll end up face down in 'em, otherwise. No mistake. What a way to go.