Hey you! This isn't a warm, squishy top ten list for you to read between coffee breaks and fun. This is a lifestyle, and it's better than the one you already have. Print out this list and put it next to your TV. Also, put it in the bathroom, tape it to the back of your girlfriend, hide one where you least suspect it and get a tiny version to tape to the inside of your sunglasses.
If you're a child of the '80s, you may have noticed that gaming isn't a hardcore hobby for a niche group anymore. Everyone games, and the average game's difficulty has changed to reflect that. Little kids, your mom and the old people in Wii commercials all play BioShock on normal. So you need to play on hard.
Stand up proudly, punch normalness in its unremarkable balls and proclaim from the rock bottom of your curly-covered chest, "I'm [insert your name here], and I play games on hard because I'm a man (or woman)!" Good job! Now read the rest of the rules.
No computer is going to tell you how to game.
If you're playing an action game, it plays like an action game:
And if you're playing an RPG, it uses RPG controls:
We could go on, but we won't because we know you already know how to play, right?
Recent games have attempted to infringe on your masculinity by cleverly disguising the tutorial as gameplay. Don't be fooled. If your first mission is "boot camp," "graduation," or simply isn't butt clinchingly difficult, mash the X button, ignore the dialogue and run forward until something explodes.
Splattering blood, body-part specific-damage and pants-tenting explosions are great. But you may not be aware that the current generation of games also has remarkably detailed environments. Or so we've been told. Here are some things we've never noticed while playing a game:
If you've seen any of these, you're playing the game wrong. The object of any game is to win, and if you want to be a man, your job is to win better and harder than the other guy. That means no dallying around remarking on the architecture's influences from the Romanic period. Take off the beret and haul ass. You've got a boss to kill.
In most cases, an inflated gamerscore is a result of playing too much Avatar: The Last Airbender, TMNT or whatever else it is that casual gamers are into, and frankly, we have no idea what that is. All of our Achievements are from playing Ikaruga on hard.
Above: This guy has 32,560 points
Raise your hand if you think that shooting someone does more damage than hitting them with the butt of your gun. OK, now everyone look around and remember whose hand is in the air. Now point, laugh and refer to their arm strength condescendingly. If this doesn't shame them enough, try adding the suffix "ette" to the end of their names to make them sound dainty.
And, no, we're not going to be the ones to tell her. It's an unwritten dude code that it's your job to deal with it when she asks. And she will. Here are some examples of how this situation could play out correctly:
Soulcalibur IV
Her: "I like Soulcalibur. Can I play winner?"
You: "Sorry, Babe, the controls for this game are PH balanced to be used by a man. You could hurt yourself."
Mario Kart
Her: "Can I play in the next race? I brought my own Wii-mote."
You: "Dang, I wish you could, but Mario Kart is a three-player racing game. Sorry!"
Braid
Her: "Do you mind if I play Braid? Or are you just going to keep looking at the dashboard with your friends?"
You: "Looking at the dashboard."
Go ahead and lend your little brother the extra controller your girlfriend brought over.
A real gamer only says "casual" when referring to his pants.
Above: A gathering of "casual" gamers and their serious pants
Got someone blaming you for breaking their new Wii-mote? Look, maybe the controller doesn't work because we smashed it on the ground, or maybe it got itself smashed on the ground because it didn't work. Think about that, or better yet, don't. Real men don't think - they smash.
We understand that your mom isn't online, so you don't have to use your best language, but you're only showing your own lack of wit by yelping at opponents with the same couple of cookie cutter insults heard all across the internet.
We've thought carefully and come up with a complete list of acceptable phrases in an online match: "Good game" and "Nice shot." That's everything you'll need to say, and definitely everything anyone wants to hear from you.
That is, unless you think you can get under their skin and give yourself an advantage. If you can, go for it. But you'll have to be more creative than the typical lewd attack on their sexuality. We know that's asking a lot of you, Internet.
When fighting, you can kick or punch at three strengths: quick, strong and fierce. They're euphemisms for these three attack strengths: tiny-baby, medium-baby, and man-punch!
Pick a funny name to let everyone know that this is your character, but you're not emotionally invested in him or her. Because being emotional is not cool. The last thing you need, if you want to be cool, is to play as Lady Hawklight Hopebringer.
Consider naming your character something clever, like Barf, Butt-Face 3000, Kyle Sucks or name your strongest warrior after your dog or favorite GamesRadar editor. We understand that this is too late for many of you, and that you have already populated your adventures with yourself and the girl from the video store who you've never talked to. We're afraid that the only thing to do is to wave goodbye to the hours you've spent leveling, think of a new ironic name and start over. Do it now, before someone sees you playing.
A bard is a poet and minstrel skilled and educated in writing, prancing, rhyming, singing and some other useless stuff. They often show up in role-playing games, muddled in with the fighters, wizards, barbarians, thieves and other real character classes, waiting to be clicked on by someone too lazy to hit the back button.
Above: These are typical bards. None of them have ever killed an orc
If you find yourself in a situation where this could happen to you, vacate the premises. We don't mean in the game. We mean actually leave wherever you are in real life and don't talk to your friends ever again. They're not your real friends. If they were, they'd leave with you because the risk of an errant character-creation click is simply too high.
It is never, under any circumstances, no matter what, a good idea to respond to annoying headset users. Understand this: they're just baiting you, dude. Mute them. Don't give them a warning, don't give them one last chance and don't try to prove them wrong. Mute them and enjoy the rest of the game.
If you still don't get it, cut out these simple rules and post them on your forehead:
There's nothing wrong with slamming down a delicious Dew every now and then, as long as you're under 21, but everyone will appreciate it if you do so in moderation. Nobody wants to play with the jittery guy secreting enough saccharine sweat to be smelled across the internet.
Instead of caffeine and sugar, consider eliminating sleep by galvanizing your mind with the fire of a thousand suns found in the blackest recess of your heart - you know, where you buried your feelings about when your pet hamster died, or something.
Those of you who've never known the pain of hamster loss, just remember, your family doesn't love you and there is no God.
It's a sign to everyone else that lets them know that you're serious about your gaming, serious about hand-controller traction and less serious about your cleaning. And there's nothing more manly than not cleaning. Except gaming like a man.
Samurai warriors in feudal Japan could regain their lost honor by committing a ritual suicide.
Jeez, we were just sayin'. If you're too big a wuss to redeem your honor with the ultimate sacrifice, the least you can do is stay in the match until it's over and not ruin things for everyone else, you big baby.
For rock-hard fingers possessing the strength of a mutant lion with opposable thumbs, the only replacement for spending four hours a day squeezing rocks into diamonds , is spending five hours. And you'll need that strength if your A button gets really, really… seriously, really stuck.
Be aware that there's a time and a place for certain things. How would you like it if we practiced our bear-fighting techniques next to your Kurt Russell film collection?
Who cares about cutscenes you may ask? We don't care much, but we care even less about what you have to say (while we're playing). We want to know what we're supposed to blow up next, so no blabbing during the cutscene banter. You may resume speaking when the scene is finished.
They've added bumpers now, but the next thing you know, they'll be adding little makeup mirrors and obligatory turn-signals to your game controllers. We encourage you to melt any unused buttons off your controllers in protest*, and the only buttons you should use are "point," "shoot" and "punch in the face."
Aside from the unmanly, difficulty-curbing extra functions the bumpers provide, such as blocking, slowing down, spin-moves and turbo boosts, there's also the name issue:
Above: "Bumpers"
A.The same word we use for the metal guard used to soften the impact of car crashes.
B.Cushions to ensure even the most uncoordinated of us can succeed at bowling, which sissifies a great American pastime.
C.The least cool type of stickers are often bumper stickers
*melting may have an adverse effect on your warranty.
Eventually you will need to use two hands.
Don't care about saving puppies or helping old folks? Good, you're on the right track! A notoriously awful story can usually be fixed by turning down the sound and recruiting a friend to read the script for Rambo: First Blood when characters are speaking. If your friend doesn't want to, he's too prissy to be your friend. Men shouldn't need an excuse to read the First Blood script.
If you have ever uploaded a video of yourself playing a game on YouTube and replaced the music with modern rock, you made the internet worse.
Philosophically, this is what it's all about. And literally, you might as well just hand in your man card if you aren't doing this first.