She holds herself in the trenches

Customary considerance of a life you never understood
Nor could you ever know fully or possibly grasp
Born a child...an unfortunate female of this world
Brought down upon her by herself and and and
Nonstop unspoken brutal truths of hatred sadness confusion
These were never brought down on you by her
She knew always that you were never strong enough
Your weakness was her imperfections and you
You played blind to the sight of a daughter
A daughter that you knew was just looking for a way out
But without an extended hand from the people she was
She was silently screaming for
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU WANT HER TO DO?
So here she is...bold faced and finally honest
At least to herself
She understands the implications of just being that person
The fucked up one that is not socially deemed crazy but
But most definitely a self proclaimed nutcase
There is nothing like originality, which is what makes you
You who "tried your hardest" more fucking pathetic
Because what would have been really unique and really
The right move. That would have been to come to her aid.
Isn't that originality embarrassing?
I am so sorry that I could have possibly put you through that social blunder.
Truly.

Our world became clouded and a disillusion filled our vision
I became enthralled in the image of a wall that seemed infinite
Falling heavy into a chair that wrapped around me
Like the arms of a loved one that sensed comforting as a responsibility
How do I live like this...or not like this?
The reality is that I cannot feel reality at all
Not now
Not with three strips gone and the world twisting into oblivion
A man plays his guitar and a girl unknowingly kisses her significant other
Feeling with a light heart and a heavy emotion
Is that the only way to live
Or is it the way not to live at all
My pores are dancing on the skin that collects them like cancer
The color of my flesh warps into pinks, gray, green, and an occasional blue
This is how I have begun to function and I do not disagree
A life filled with what I want to be is caught in what I am
Cloaking it with a swirl of colors and mishap stepping
Happiness at a rate that is impossible to comprehend
Is better than no happiness at all
And when this is all over there is the usual substance that brings me down
To the world that I am comforted by
Because it is the world that agrees with the constant feelings
Of pity, sadness, and the extreme joy that has become occasionally constant
For this is recovery in the most unimaginable place
A warped mind and a healing insecure
If I could save them all I would
But for now I am saving myself in the disillusions of a tapestry
Of a beautiful face
Of a pretty pillow
Of a face in the mirror
That seems slightly familiar but is able to be ignored
For the time being
I am saving myself slowly
And the ability to do so is lost in a substance that infects my vertebrae
Seeps slowly into my conscience
But I am becoming heeled with each minute that passes
When you twist into an oblivion
I twist into a fucked reality that I am loving to make my own

I am for the spirits they contain
The lives they lead without credit where due
Their daily actions seeming meaningless
Unable to speak our tongue is claim to maliciousness
It is claim to self righteousness
Though we cannot live without them
We murder in unfathomable numbers
We torture, poison, mock rape
And suck the soul out of creatures to enhance dominance
To declare higher intelligence is to dismiss the guilt
This declaration gives responsibility, not right
I am for those ripped from their homes for our entertainment
I am for those giving care for the caregivers
I am for those relying on our love, our compassion
I am for those who meet us at our door
And keep us warm during a lonely night
I am on their side to fight for I am for those without a voice

A scent caused a memory, so I became lost
Entangled within my sheets
Hunting down the source of the pain
Every thread and fiber thoroughly examined
Waking with a jolt I envisioned your face
Soon my body began to smell of you
Every inch of flesh resonating
With your eternal perfume
The scent of the men attempting to take your place
Are drowned in the quilts that were saturated in our love
Previously, there were things to do in times such as this
To enrapture myself in pleasant memories
Of new acquaintances and events that have taken your place
But for now I wake, willingly
And rub the sheets along my neck
Dab them about my wrist
And carry on about my day
While carrying the memories
While carrying the heartache
While carrying the scent
...............of you.

I should be confused.....I typically am even without reason
These new deliveries might as well have been on never ending roadway
What am I supposed to do?
That was a joke....I am not confused....I know what to do
If I act like it never happened then that means it didn't.
It is not like there is a new name at the bottom of the same card.
Or that the lily's glow brighter due to play on words by a new player.
This is so typical.....and to think that people thought it would get to me.
What a great friend. Most friends would not be so nice.
I am lucky....how would something so sweet get to me?
He knows about the original player and the words that swept me off my feet.
He understands that my decision has been made....my future laid out.
He is happy that I could never be more in love than I am right now.
It is not like he has feelings for me beyond friends.
He doesn't......he couldn't.
Damn it.....it's getting to me.

You know how your mouth salivates excessively

Right when you begin to cry?

Making it perfect for chain smoking

And constant shouting

But once you hit that certain point

When your body is telling you to stop bitching

By soaking up every bead of mucus from your mouth and throat

Causing it to hurt to relieve yourself

With either of the two things that seem to help

That is the moment when I know it is real pain

It has moved drastically from upset or hurt

To sheer torment

It is life changing, mind blowing, suicidal torture

Who, what, when, where is to blame for this?

If you find where to point the finger

Homicidal intentions can fall under the insanity plea

But then imagine if it would be him or her

The same person where not even a week prior

Was curled up in your bed

With their beautiful head on your pillow

Wrapped tightly in the hand stitched quilt your grandmother made

What then?

Insanity should be your excuse for euthenizing them

In the last room where you made love

For they must be crazy for ending such perfection

You know how your mouth sailivates excessively

Right when you begin to cry

Well...carry your gas mask

For this bliss cannot last for long.

 

This may sound depressing.....and when I look back on it, it is.  But this is just a thought that I had.  Basically what I am trying to say is that if things do not work out like I hope or plan then I do not know what I will do.  Imagining what I thought caring for someone ment then meeting him makes my viewpoint seem totally obscure.  

allmylove............................amelia

Your scent has been massaged into my skin

Mostly against my chest and the gentle space between my legs

I feel the moisture resulting from your efforts

Pooling on the small of your back

The area hesitantly grasped when intoxicated in your eyes

Soft gasps miscellaneously replaced with words

How to need nothing and still understand?

Sum up my tendancies in a few brief sentences

Comparing my love of pink wine and cheap vodka

My mind wraps around the idea of your mindless brilliance

Simple words and pure emotion

The world is gone

And so is my conscience

But loving the feeling of falling into you

It has become my mindless brilliance

My genius move into your arms and your bed

One night

What a change to attack head on

It began

And it could not be stopped

I wear you like perfume to make my mind flash

Back to the small of your back

And the look in your eyes

I am wearing my love

And wearing it well.

I must have been dreaming

It never was true

The love you had for me

Could never equal my love for you

And though this may be simple

And quaint and brief

Two months since it has been over

And I still miss you beyond belief

I have never been able to depict in words

The emotions I had to express

In the beginning it was love

Now it is a dream that will never rest

So I will end this childish play on words

Only with how it all began

Yes, my dear, you have woken up

But I am still reaching for your hand.

 

 

if you don't know then you don't need to.......amelia

 

IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT

I LOST YOU

BUT FOUND MYSELF INSIDE

TANGLED WITHIN YOUR THOUGHTS

AND TRAPPED INSIDE YOUR LIES

HONESTY WAS SCREAMING

WHEN I WOKE YOU FROM YOUR DREAMS

SO I SCRATCHED AND TORE AT EVERYTHING

YOU WANTED ME TO BE

RIPPING TO SHREDS AN IMAGE

I THOUGHT YOU LOVED TO MUCH TO HAVE

CRUMBLING TO THE FLOOR

BECAUSE YOU WERE ALL I HAD