Figured I would post a new journal since my last one was all depressed and stuff.
 
Life is great, Im feeling great, I just finished my finals, the stress of a long and difficult term is over, I have a week break before the new term starts, I needed a break really bad.
 
Its been great being around so many people, before I started hanging out with chris I pretty much sat in my room all the time because I had nothing to do and no one that wanted me around, but no I have people around me alot, and the people that arent around me still talk to me alot, its been really great.
 
aaaanyways lol just figured I would brag since Im in a good mood, so happy this term is over with! :D

I swear I thought things had changed over the last couple of months. I thought I had grown as a person, I thought life was getting so much better.
I just dont know though. I mean I gained some good friends, and others who would like to call me their friends, but it seems like a good portion of these people would stab me in the back for a klondike bar o.O
Half of the people I know, and text or talk to on the phone daily are only friends with me because they expect me to do things for them that I just cant do, Im sorry but Im not that kind of person.
I felt like everything has been going so good for me, with school, and friends, I never seem to have time to sit and think, which for me is a good thing, my mind wanders away from me sometimes and I get depressed, I guess its better if Im always busy, I feel like I keep messing things up though.
Right now, Im sick, and have bruises all up and down my legs, my back, and my face, and I dont even know how they got there, this is my most recent sign of complete stupidity, and I know if I was to say that Im going to quit drinking I would just look like a moron because lets face it, I love to drink with my friends.
seems like lately though, with friends, I gain the trust of someone, then ruin it almost right away, gain respect of another person and thats shot down almost instantly. I dunno, its just hard to believe anyone can handle to stand by my side anymore.
I know Im not a horrible person, though it seems like I am sometimes, because I just dont think before I say or do something.
Im so afraid to start something new with someone because it seems like everytime I start feeling truely comfortable around them, they turn around and tell me everything is wrong with me, Im a bad person, Im sick, or they just plain out dont like me.
I know that shouldnt hurt me as much as it does, but even though Im used to being alone in my room, alone walking around, alone anywhere, I dont like it. this is why I try to text people so much, I always feel alone, no matter how many people are around me.
I know my constant texting annoys so many of you, and I really try to limit myself, but its hard sometimes, especially when there are things on my mind, because talking to people is the only way to block out the world for me.
I know Im just ranting and stuff, and for those of you that see me daily, I usually try to hide everything, Im usually pretty good about putting on a happy face and pretending my mind is elsewhere, occasionally you see me staring off into space and ask me if Im ok, yea sure, whatever, its easier to tell you Im doing great, than to explain to you why Im not.
Not that I want all of this brought up tomorrow in conversation or anything, its just nice to rant sometimes I guess.
Anyways as far as being sick, sore, and tired, its my own fault, I dont know my limits apparently, and now Im paying for it, I hope that everyone I have hurt or scared away lately doesnt think to bad about me, and those of you that dont think anything at all of me, I dont even know why your reading this, so whatever.
To those few people that love me, I love you all, and I love talking to you all, obviously, I mean why would I talk to you so much if I didnt right?
anyways to cut this long rant short, Im just hoping that I continue to improve and things go better for me...
 
I hope to talk to you all soon
 
 

I am here outside
Of my quiet home.
Sitting here,
I'm all alone.

The winds are felt,
Racing through the air.
The trees reach up grasping
Silently as I stare.

I watch the shadows
Race around.
I sit here now,
I hear no sound.

As darkness falls,
Reaching out with it's hand.
The night will take
The light from the land.

By Deanna Mentzer

I watch your dreams
Race as you sleep.
I see you
Are all alone.
You stand there
Sad in a hopeless,
Struggling for control
Over your life.

You dream of happy
Easy days.
Of a life
Where you have
Everything.

I wish I was there
In your world,
At your side,
To struggle with you.
To help you when
You loose control.
To help you
When you fall.

By Deanna Mentzer

Have you heard about the lonely child?
She was beaten by her friends.
But, she still keeps on fighting.
Thrown into a small dark corner alone,
Pressure striking her like cold hard stones.

Have you heard about the homeless child?
She was beaten by her friends.
But, she still keeps on fighting.
Distant dreams of her loving family,
Hidden by life's reality.
She has lost
But, she still keeps on fighting.

By Deanna Mentzer

Black smoke filling the air.
Dark and unnatural,
Like your heart,
Unremorseful,
No despair.

As I lay here my,
Heart wants to die.
I know that you are still
Living,
A never ending lie.

A slow red flowing river
Makes my Body feel cold.
Trembling,
I cry for you.
As I Fight back a shiver,
I know you still love me.

Memories left me scared.
Struggling to catch a glimpse of your face.
Fading,
Familiar eyes, distant and hard.

Pain and misery no longer control me.
Thankful for the moments we shared,
When you cared,
You have set me free.
My heart beats
Hard,
In your hands.

By Deanna Mentzer

You are truest my friend.
Our friendship will never end.
Your are more like my brother,
Only lacking one mother.
You give me strength to fight,
For the that on this earth which is right.
In many more ways than one,
You make life so much more fun.
Sleeping at Day
And working at night.
Forever we live.
Together we fight.
One step at a time,
We will set this world right.

By Deanna Mentzer

Looking around me,
My life is such a lie.
Hoping that someday,
I can lie down and die.

Watching the people,
As they walk away.
Knowing that no one,
Cares enough to stay.

Wishful thinking,
Turns to sinful thoughts.
Hoping that someday,
This world finally rots.

Blind to the light,
Watching the dark.
The voices I hear,
Why do they bark?

I see nothing,
It's dark as night.
Whispering voices,
Come from the light.

Crystal tears
Come from the sky.
I know the secret
My life's a lie.

By Deanna Mentzer

I can see in my dreams

An old familiar face.

With old warped skin,

Dull sad eyes, a meaningless smile,

Of old sad lies.

Somewhere deep inside of me,

I feel I know this man.

Reaching out to touch his face,

With my scared unsteady hand.

A crystal tear runs down my cheek,

As I run through all my memories.

A picture of this old sad man,

I now begin to seek.

Catching hold of a single thought,

I see it in my mind.

Running to him with arms out wide,

A little girl is there.

She hugs him hard as he tries to hide,

A devil watching from deep inside.

Then like a page turned in a book,

My thoughts began to flip.

Now standing in a room of smoke,

Screams are in the air.

I cover my mouth so not to choke.

I hear my mothers cry.

Remembering stories of cries from hell.

The ones most people don't ever tell.

I cough and cry warm tears of fear,

As another scream reaches my ear.

Crouching down I cover my head,

Knowing it's just another memory.

None of this is really happening,

My Father is already dead.

Then looking up again I see,

The old sad face staring back at me.

My fathers face, his dull sad eyes.

I accept no more pain, no more lies.

Stronger now, I say to him,

"You taught me so much way back then.

When I was blinded by your lies,

But now I see what you don't realize.

There's a power passed on that lives in me.

You taught me to love my life and watch carefully

Over my own family.

You taught me about true love and honesty.

You have helped me to become a stronger, better me."

By Deanna Mentzer

Dark be the soul of the old black stone.

Dark be the king upon his gold thrown.    

Dark be the quest of the men away from home.

Dark be the riders that wildly roam.

Dark be the shadow that covers the land.           

Dark be the man with the sword in his hand.

Dark be the forest were the brave eagle lands.

Dark be the meadow where the black wolf stands. 

Dark be the canyons so mysterious and deep.

Dark be the cloak thrown in a heap.

Dark be the horse that lies down to sleep.

Dark be the man that slowly begins to creep.

Dark be the arrow shot from the bow.

Dark be the river that slowly flows.

Dark be the sword struck against the stone.

Dark be the hand that shot the arrow from the bow.

Dark be the blood from the horse on the ground.

Dark be the ears that search for sound.

Dark be the river where the horse was found.

Dark be the feet of men pounding the ground.

Dark be the girl that smells so sweet.

Dark be the land beneath her feet.

Dark be the smell of fresh warm meat

Dark be the tears as the girl softly weeps.

Dark be the man as he stands so tall.

Dark be the horse as it's head finally falls.

Dark be the heartless shadow of death as it crawls.

Dark be the tender whisper from the land as death falls.

By Deanna Mentzer