I never meant to hurt so many. I never meant to leave so many broken and alone. Many a night I feel as if I am the murderer of hearts and thief of happiness. I never meant to bring out those tears upon your beautiful face. I never wanted to feel this way. I just wanted that which every soul in this world wants, thier other half.

I never meant to make your heart hurt the way it does now. All I ever wanted to do was to make you competely and utterly happy. For you to fall in complete love with me was the only goal I ever wanted to accomplish. Your broken heart haunts me every night I sleep. My restless dreams cannot allow me to go undetered any night. It's enough to make a man go mad!

My love for you to this day has never changed. However the harsh reality of losing you has also remained. Your tear-soaked face is burned upon my mind. I slip away into dream, a dream of redemption and forgiveness of what I have done.

My words however to you, are filled with nothing more than lies.

As each of us look at ourselves we think, "What could possibly be wrong with me?" With that statement there exists countless flaws. Within each of us lies an immense depthness of mistakes and failures to fill an entire ocean . Some more than others may posses more flaws. I include myself into this category.

An ever iminent sense of insecurity and always present stone wall around my heart keeps me from letting things that may bring others happiness. Because of these insecurities and unsureness many have suffered, and many have left my life. Many I wish I had never let slip away into an abyss in which I'll never be able to bring them back.

Unsurity of myself and endeavors I become immersed in is another fault. Unsure of those around me and their motives and intentions. Unsure of my feelings for those that are close to me and for those that make impacts upon my life. I push them away in fear, and desparity. Many do not understand why I go about living this way, it is my self-defense against pain, in which I must never show to those around me.

A lacking of understanding. I lack the understanding of the reasoning of those around me. I try to progress as if nothing is ever deterring me when in fact my own ignorance hinders me. I try to remain sublime to this world around me, but the truth is I am always in tune with those around me. I lack the understanding as to why people act as they do.

A bleeding heart. Wearing my heart upon a sleeve in to which it is dealt numerous wounds and is constantly bleeding for those around me. Weariness, and inner struggles take place because of this way of living.
Watch as I go day by day as I have described. Day by day I feel as if I break more and more. Breaking until I reach the point in which my soul, mind, and heart can no longer break anymore. I am consumed by inner demons and conflicts in which I struggle day by day to conquer.

This self-portrait I have depicted is only the beginning of a picture that depicts more to those who take the time to stare at the fine details of an artwork and see the inner workings of how the art lashes out in it's meaning.
What Will You See?

I listen to your constant meaningless problems. I hear of your tumultious confrontations with others in your life. I willingly sit for hours upon hours listening to your never ending list of problems you seem to be never able to overcome no matter what advice or help is given to you. I awake late at night to hear your tears of hurt and pain over the one that utterly crushed your heart. I speak to you in comfort and help because I hate to see you in agony and pain. My heart bleeds everytime yours bleeds.

And Yet.....

You Use Me as if I'm a piece of notebook paper written upon until there is no more room to write. I feel so empty when all I ever heart is your own self gain and yet I never seem to have ever even been there when I seen you at your time of weakness, sadness, and complete desolation. I've listened to your screams of anguish and anger until I myself can no longer help but to faulter under the immense pressure of not letting you slip into unhappiness.

But my efforts and my supports are all but for nothing. My feelings of self-worthlessness seem to continually grow when your life seems to prosper. I feel as if I am never needed unless you encounter a problem with your life and you alone cannot stand and fight it. I aid you in my best ways and even so you still treat me as if I'm on stand by like a doctor awaiting a patients next sudden attack of sickness.

I try to tell myself it is all for a greater good. That my aid in your life will be rewarded with the happiness I've longed so to posses. However as the days grow longer and the nights more darker I see less and less of a friendship and more of a expendable relationship. One you seem to be ready to release at any moments notice.

So I continue to let you in and I continue to help you carry the burden that you carry for hope that one day you will love me the way I've always loved you

You always Use Me, and with a open and bleeding heart...I allow it to hopefully one day...help change a life that will succeed where I have failed.

Use Me..........

I stare at a picture of you. I look at it long and hard. I stare at it and I have one continous thought that races through my mind. What If you had given me that one chance? What If you had given me the opportunity to show you my love for you? What If you had just for one time in your insecure life, stopped and seen that I was there wanting you?

But No....

Those years ago those thoughts did not cross your mind. When I chose to give up, and let you slip away was when any chance was lost in oblivion. I sit with these sleepless eyes wishing that I had just picked up the pieces sooner, and took what could have been, what should have been, the best thing in my life.

But No....

I let you go without oppostion. Now years later your living a good life. Your with a good guy so you say, and you are very much in love with him. I see you now and we both reminise on our past and what could have been. I embrace you in my arms and I think, 'Why Did I Let You Walk Away?'. I've loved you more than you will ever know, but fate doesn't pay attention to what we want in life. Your living your life and I am living life.

But....

Still today, I wonder what would it be like today. Where would we be today if I had not let you slip away without trying to get you back? I wonder if our love could have kept us both sustained and happy like the way we talk about being today? Neither us will never know what could have been.

What If things could have been different.

What If?........