This is an update to prove to the world that I'm not dead. Yet. I'm like Bigfoot. People occasionally catch fleeting glimpses of me lurking through the streets of New York. Long, ape-like arms. Huge forehead. Pungent odor. Best buds with John Lithgow.
But for the most part I'm just this mysterious creature who spends his days hidden deep within his apartment. People walk by, see me in the window, and they say, "What the hell is he writing in there?"
Here's what:
1. Finishin'
The Monkey & the BarrelThe book is coming along well and I hope to finish it by spring. As with anything I'm currently working on, I think it's the best thing I've ever done. Of course once it's done I'll think that it's crap. This is the curse of the fool. Never satisfied with what he's done.
2. Fiddlin' with
Lick Your NeighborIn the year since I finished this book I've had some more ideas pop into my head for revisions. That's what happens when you write a book and it sits unpublished. You keep thinking of stuff to add and stuff to take out. So once Monkey is done I'm going to tinker away on Lick for a couple months, just to purge all the stuff that's been running around in my head.
3. Percolatin' an Unnamed Comic Series
I've wanted to work on a serialized comic for quite some time, but I always put it off because I can't draw. Luckily, I've finally come to the brilliant realization that other people can draw, and that I can work with them on a project. Sometimes it's hard for novelists to remember that a thing called "collaboration" exists.
It's going to be something similar to
manga. Or I guess we'd call it Amerimanga, since I'm not Japanese. Yet. I'm going to begin work on this while I do the LYN revisions, so hopefully I'll have stuff to show people this summer.
4. Dealin' with the wild kingdom forming in my backyard
There is a small colony of five feral cats living in my neighborhood. A feral cat is basically a wild, homeless cat. Kind of like a hobo. They look like this:
They're actually just like house cats only they were born in the wild, live in colonies, and don't like people very much. This one colony has taken to using my backyard as somewhat of a playground, mainly because there's a bird feeder out there and they like to stalk and pounce on the birds and squirrels it attracts. And also because I feed them delicious food because I'm a sucker for cats.
Since there are tens of thousands of feral cats in NYC, I decided that instead of just feeding these cats I should do something to help solve the problem. What I did was go to a training at the ASPCA on how to trap, neuter, and return feral cats to their territory. Or TNR for short. It's the in-thing to do to control the feral cat population these days.
So I went to the training, learned all about TNR, then returned home to write a nice letter about what I planned to do the ferals in my neighborhood. I then distributed said letter to all of my neighbors. My Brooklyn neighbors. My Brooklyn "Hey, go fuck yourself" neighbors.
Two days later I check my voice mail and this is what I hear:
In a thick Brooklyn accent...
"Hey Chris, you don't like the cats in the backyard huh? Then why don't you go back where you came from! And while you're at it, why don't you and all you other liberal bastards go spay and neuter yourselves!"
You see, this is what happens when you try to do something good in this world. You get yelled at. You get someone telling you to go cut your balls off. This is why I choose to stay indoors writing all day. It's much safer than going out there and actually interacting with all of the feral people in this world.