I am a girl in lust. I have never really been in lust before, except maybe for Johnny Depp (who is one very fine piece of man) so I don't know what to do about. Never have I been so attracted. Every time I learn something new about him I find it hard not to stalk him into a dark alley and jump him.

He's as much of a dork as I am. From webcomics to flash animations and Final Fantasy video games.

He loves Final Fantasy D&D, my all-time favourite. I'm in love.

His eyes are blue. They make me melt.

His smile...*sigh*

He has a tattoo. Dear God, take me now!

I wonder; if I rape him, will I feel better? Do you think he would mind?

I think I may be rather starting to like Tammy. She still scares the crap out of me, and I'd rather not be in her line of sight while working, but I kinda like her.

She has this intense way of looking at people that unnerves me. It may be her wide eyes or over-application of eyeliner, but whatever it is, it makes her seem kinda frightening.

But we had a long chat on the busride home Saturday morning that started when we discovered we both went to the same high school.

Chris was on the bus as well. On Saturdays Chris and Tammy take the 41 with Liz and I, instead of the 5. And then all three of them get off at Upper James and run to catch their connection to wherever it is they're going.

Have I told you how pretty Chris is? He's pretty. On the bus he just sits there, doesn't join in the conversation and stares straight ahead, like he doesn't think he's wanted to participate. It reminds me a bit of myself and it's kinda weird. Freaky really.

People are such interesting beings. I have a conflicting view about people. I love them, I think they are fascinating and I want to meet every single one of them. But at the same time they're scary and some people are capable of extreme cruelty. I can love everyone, and then seconds later hate everyone. Only to jump back to loving them when I see someone particularily interesting. I guess that's rather moody of me.

Hair looks neat-o, by the way. I think I might have liked regular black better though. When my roots start to show I'll pick a new colour to dye it. I haven't gone brown yet. Maybe I'll do that. And I would like to put coloured streaks in it. Or even just one. Or maybe I'll go blonde again with a chunk of black in the front...

I like doing things that people don't expect of me. I like dressing in ways that don't suit my personality, like dying my hair black or piercing my eyebrow. It's just part of my personality.

Does my nose look kinda big in my profile photo?

Finally back on the net.

Going to dye my hair tomorrow. Blue-black.

Work is going well. No customers but the money kinda sucks. Oh well.

I work with a guy named Chris, and I am madly in love with him. Damn he's pretty.

Hey, answer me a question. If you could be any kind of cheese, what kind would you be?

I said feta.

Dion said gouda.

Shaun said monteray Jack. I have a new respect for Shaun.

Dan said munster. Is that even a cheese? I didn't know.

Vanessa and Oma both say havarti.

I love that people answer that question without asking what's wrong with me

Tell me what kind of cheese you would like to be.

Thunderstorms rock. No really they do. First they caused a poweroutage which gave me an insentive to go outside and sit on the porch to watch the storm while reading my book. I'm still trying to get through the Lord of the Ring series.

Anyway, being the dumbass that I am, I went outside, only to discover that when I wanted to get back in I had locked myself out. And it was raining.

No biggie, right? I'd just have to hang around outside till my 'rents got home...in four hours!!

I don't have the patience for that. One can only read Lord of the Rings for so long. So I decided to break in. Alas, all the windows were lockedon the bottom floor. But I KNEW that the ones upstairs were unlocked. All I needed to do was get on the roof. So I did.

I climbed up onto the gate, then hopped onto the roof from there. Lemme tell ya, I felt like freakin spiderman! I ripped the screen out of the window forced the little bastard open and did a nosedive into the bathtub.

You know, some people may say that this was a bad day, but for me is was fucking awesome! Any day where somehting out of the ordinary happens is awesome for me. I really appreciate that about myself. Being laid back is definitely a good thing.

Climbing on roofs is fun ^^!

So about a week or so ago, I got this email from some random guy who saw my MSN profile and wanted to talk. He was from Brantford and since I don't know anyone here yet I thought it might be advantageous to talk.

But, couldn't you guess it? He was a total loser. Kept talking about how sweet and honest he was, and how all other guys want sex but NOT him. Stressing how he likes to 'cuddle'. Puh-lease! Pathetic, really.

I wanted him to go away. He was pretty dumb on top of all the issues, which is realy not cool. So I start sending him random mad libs and talking about my imaginary toenail collection. Things like "Feet are like ripened papayas filled with mouthwash' and 'Don't ever forget that fun equals pizza explosions.' He got pretty freaked out while I laughed my ass off. He told me to 'be more mature' because he has NO sense of humour so I kept going until he blocked me.

Can you believe that?! He fucking blocked me!!! Man, that is so awesome!

How do I keep attracting morons? I think I'll just interview everyone who wants to talk to me and ask them to define words or maybe just ask "Can you spell your own name?" How can people be so dumb? Honestly, bad spelling is a huge pet peeve of mine. But what do you expect? I'm a writer.

And REALLY! Who wants to be MATURE, of all things? Whatever. I have no hope left for the future of the human race.

Still in Brantford. Still mulling over my life-changing decision.

Should I stay or should I go now? (Pun intended) :p

Anyways, I get the feeling my dad doesn't want me around, although he insists otherwise. And my mom wants me to come back, although when I saw her yesterday she was rather cold and not interested in seeing me. Gave me the brush-off, she did. I don't know what to do anymore.

Brantford is small and new and I don't know anything about it, and I rather like Hamilton. But on the other hand, Hamilton means Doug, and I don't want to deal with that. I'm not really ecstatic about being told what I loser I am every day and being made to feel like a worthless sack of shit. It's not a pleasant home environment, you see.

I don't know.

Life is shit.

This all feels so unreal. Or maybe too real. Maybe that's the problem. I can't deal with real.

Oh fuck.

I don't know how I get myself into these things. Another minor (in my opinion) arguement with Doug ended up with me moving into my dad's place. In freakin Brantford of all places! I don't know anyone. I don't know there to meet anyone. I'm all alone up here, but I was all alone in Hamilton too.

Another fresh start for me.

My dad used to get laid off all the time. And whenever he did he'd move us to another city for a 'fresh start'. I hate fresh starts. But here I am again. And I'm not even in school anymore.

Sleeping over at my dad's place is weird. I missed my room and my uncomfortable futon mattress. I couldn't help but think 'what the hell am I doing here?'. But I hated myself for it. Because this was ultimately my decision. I intend to stick it out. Try and come out of my shell a bit. Make some friends.

I just need to figure out how. It's a curse being shy, you know.

I'm supposed to make my decision of whether I want to stay in Brantford or go back to Hamilton by tomorrow. I don't know what to do.

I am so fucked.

I feel shitty.

Random. Lost. Stupid. All those fun and friendly feelings I'd managed to put aside for the weekend came back. Little bastards.

I hate that I'm terrified of talking on the phone. I've been swearing at it all morning.

Just one of my many quirks.

Quirks are bastards too.

Random Quotes of the week:
"Peace up, a-town down,...squish!" ~ Amanda, gotta love her
"Few things are more familiar, he supposed, than finding oneself a stranger." ~R. Scott Bakker

Today is Shaun's birthday. He is 17. It kinda freaks me out because I can still remember quite clearly when I was seventeen. Of course I can. It was only six months ago. Thinking of Shaun as a 17-year-old is weird.

*sniff* they grow up so fast...

Anyway, today we did some volunteer work at the nursing home by my house. That was interesting. We helped them play bingo and met some interesting characters. Old people are grumpy, but who can blame them? They're treated like children in the home. I wonder if it's weird for them to be taking orders from people 1/3 their age.

Whatever. Don't have a lot of time to go into detail.

People are so quirky.

Finally going to do some volunteer work. (Yay!)

Going to help old people play bingo and the like (double yay!)

I get to walk to the nursing home in the worst heat wave in this area since when, the seventies. (Triple yay!)

Feel the sarcasm.