Not that I'm actually anticipating anyone reading this, but I couldn't care less.
Christmas is a time to spend with those we love, and who love us. This year was beautiful because I had my sister, her husband, my parents, my Nanna, and bubba Brianna, who starts prep in a little over a month. Was a nice morning, and we had a great lunch before everyone packed up, leaving me and Mum to about a hundred games of magnetic darts (sorry about the dents in the wall, Dad). Sent out texts to all of my friends, and even some not-friends, feeling in the spirit of things, but I have a feeling that this may have backfired a little.
It's been over 2 months and Jay is still ignoring me, but I sent him a message none-the-less, same as I sent everyone else, so hoping he doesn't take it the wrong way? It was a general "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" thing but meh. We'll see. I don't care if he's still pissed at me. He didn't want to talk about anything.
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Because I need to get this off my chest in one go, rather than a series of tiny outbursts, I guess now is as good a time as any to talk about what happened, so far as I know, between myself and Jay. Since he's never spoken to me since, I can't really speak from his view.
For pretty much the last 2 months that we were together, I just got the feeling that he was only wanting one thing (could it be that as soon as I diverted from that path he'd say he had to go or was busy or some shit), and I felt as though I couldn't talk about anything important. I was going through a lot of mental shit here and it was tearing me apart to know that he was so far away and I felt as though I'd never quite be good enough.
I was so excited about everything that I told all of my close friends and family and they were excited for me, but at the same time, I felt as though Jay was almost ashamed of me. Maybe it was an overreaction, but when the guy who was in the same room as him for most of the day had no idea of what was going on even, it just felt... wrong. As though he wanted to hide me from anyone he cared about. WoW was more important than me and the one time in the last year that I felt genuinely suicidal, and my best friend had laughed at me when I told her, I tried to talk to Jay and was treated like a burden. As if I was just too much time and effort. Is it any wonder I try not to tell anyone my problems?
He wasn't there most of the time. I understand that people have lives, and particularly with the demands of a child that he couldn't spend all his time talking to me. I would never have asked it of him. But when he was seriously ill, too sick to even send me a text to say he wouldn't be around for a while, he was ok enough to be sitting on fucking World of Warcraft trying to impress some group of strangers enough to get them to accept him into their guild. It really hurt me, and again, maybe I was overreacting but it all made me feel like a worthless piece of shit.
He talked of wanting to marry me. Pretty words with no meaning. If he wouldn't even talk to me about any problems, but he said he'd marry me? The last conversation I ever had with him ended with me saying "I just feel as though you'll never be able to be there for me." He didn't reply. And I haven't heard a single word since. He just dropped me out of his life completely. And has never looked back. He's never said a single word to me, or even about me anywhere. I was devasted and heartbroken when things ended, but his stony silence makes it worse. Or maybe that's his revenge. Or maybe I over-analyse. Either way it hurt. I valued his friendship more than anything else, and when things ended I couldn't even hold onto that.
A week after he stopped talking to me I told Courtney that it was over and that I was really hurt. A few hours later she was talking about how she was upset because James wasn't going to make it up from Melbourne to see her for another week. Perhaps I should have bitten my tongue, but a week of accumulated hurt burst out at once in the form of a sarcastic "Oh that's such a tragedy!". We haven't been friends since that moment. As a result, I lost the love of my life and my best friend in the span of a week. The horrible part is that I couldn't trust or rely on either of them towards the end.
So while everyone is out having a party and getting smashed with their friends, I sit with a new group of friends and enjoy the silence, broken only by the clicking of keyboards. I had my Merry Christmas this morning and now I can temporarily wallow in my sorrows. Until WoW has finished updating. Not that I feel like playing any more. Jay destroyed that enjoyment for me. But anyways.
Have a safe and Merry Christmas, and take care on the roads. Wishing you all a prosperous and fun New Year.