..

...unable to sleep so you put on the TV in hopes of zoning out and you catch an infommercial for some bizarre product since that's all that's on TV at that time and you ask yourself, "What idiot actually buys this shit?"

Hi.

I am that idiot.

Part of it has to do with my insomnia but I'd be lying if I said that was the only reason. I have an unhealthy attraction to things that say "NEW!" on them. Especially things that say "NEW!" and come with an extra set of "NEW!" if you order in the next ten minutes. That's the best kind of "NEW!"

I've been having a raging case of blogger's block (is there such a thing?) and have been distracted by a couple of other things but I miss this place. I miss the glitter comments and malfunctioning software and the promises of a new fancy text editor that will never come. And I really don't want to get sucked into Facebook like most of my friends are pushing me to do. I like it here. It's comfy and safe and people don't throw Fraggles at me.

So here's what I've decided to do: once a week, I'm going to post my in-depth review of an As Seen On TV product. Whoever just made the "jump the shark" comment, this blog done jumped a LONG time ago. Probably back when I started posting Caturday pics. Let's look at it this way: it'll give me content and might save you money! Win-win, yes?

The first As Seen On TV product review will be posted on Monday. What product will it be, you ask?




Wake up! Time to detox!

If there's a product you'd like to see me review, post it here and I might just give it a shot.

This, however, is a non-starter.

There are no words to describe the pure awesomeness of this douchebag.

Because I'm at a total loss.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have seen the light. I have reached the promised land. I have found my soulmate. He's long, he's black, he's sleek and he responds to my touch like a cat in need of a scratch.

Meet Ben.



Ben is my Harmony One universal remote control from Logitech. I named him after Ben Affleck, who is also long, black and sleek. Well, not really but still.

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that this baby has changed my life. The OffiDen is gadget/gamer girl heaven. Unfortunately, heaven came with 400 assorted remote controls and a cargo ship of AA batteries.

Not anymore. Guess how many remotes I use now? Come on, take a guess.

One. That's right. One.

Ben controls everything. The TV, the DirecTV HD DVR, the DVD player, the Playstation 2, the XBOX 360, the Bose, the computer speakers and....

...are you ready for this?

My AIR CONDITIONER!

It's just that good.

The setup to control all of those devices took me about 40 minutes and that includes setting up the macros. Did I mention the macros? Can we talk about the macros? Press "Watch DVD" and it turns on the DVD player, sets the TV to the appropriate input option and gets the movie started. You can set up your favorite channels list and just touch the icon to go to that channel. The customization options are almost limitless.

The setup is done through your computer, using a USB cable and setup disc and is very user friendly. You can even listen to the latest episode of Vera Speaks while setting it up! The remote comes with a docking station, which means you won't need to give Duracell anymore of your cash. Another great thing about the docking station is that you're less likely to lose it. This was a huge plus for me as I've lost approx. 52,442 remotes.

It's a little on the pricey side. Amazon is selling it for $185 but I truly believe it will pay for itself over the next year or so. Logitech is constantly updating their database with new things to control. That almost sounded diabolical, didn't it? But it's true. Whatever new thing comes out, odds are Ben can control it.

Here's a little video review from G4.com:



If you're a gadget geek like me, this remote is a Godsend. It will replace your spouses, children and pets as your favorite thing in the house. Trust me on this.

One Remote to Rule Them All.



(Have I told you about BzzAgent yet? I'm a member, and I thought you might like to be one too (joining is free). I get to try products and services at no cost with samples, coupons and stuff like that. Then I make my voice heard by sharing my honest opinions with others, including some of the largest companies in the world. Want to learn more and sign up to join in the fun?"

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If you'd like to receive the same benefits, become an Agent today.
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Author's Note: I am fully aware that this blog brings me one step close to becoming a cliche: A single, fat woman in her 30's that writes about her cats. I should just buy this and be done with it.

Dear Raging Hellbeasts-

This weekend, the three of us will have been together for ten years. I've often said that the two of you were the best birthday presents I've ever received but I'm coming dangerously close to taking that back. In order to ensure that our next ten years together will be happy and peaceful, I'm establishing some new rules that go into effect immediately.

1. No more waking me in the middle of the night if you don't have any food. Do you know that most dogs are fed on a schedule and only get a cup or two of food at each meal? They don't have the constantly filled "Fat Cat" and "Tuna Breath" bowls that you do. You can wait a couple of hours until someone wakes up. That means no more climbing on my head, no more biting my feet and no more staring at me until I open my eyes. I promise you, you will not starve.

2. My headphones are not a chew toy. The next cat to chew through the cord to my headphones is paying for new ones. And by paying, I mean sneaking downstairs and stealing money out of your Grandpa's wallet.

3. Elton, I'm no longer removing you from the top of the refrigerator. Six times in one day is just ridiculous. If you can figure out how to get up there, you can figure out how to get down. Pretend you're climbing up there but just go in the opposite direction and you'll be fine.

4. Boomer, you need to toughen up. I understand that you're afraid of things like dust, the wind, leaves and the doorbell but scaring yourself when YOU sneeze is just sad.

5. You are no longer allowed to ignore me all day long and then, when I'm trying to beat Tiger Woods on my XBOX 360, decide that it's time for a lovefest. I would have had that eagle putt on the the 12th hole at Coral Gables had your furry asses not decided to jump up on the recliner and into my lap.

6. You shouldn't be on the dining room table to begin with but if you decide to jump up on there, could you please have some decorum and not spend twenty minutes licking your balls?

7. Finally, you will stop using my throw rugs as nail sharpeners. You have no idea how much that annoys me. Oh wait, yes you do. That's why you do it.

Despite all of these things, Mama still loves you. And that's why she doesn't want to give you to your Grandpa's crazy Greek friend who shaves his cats every summer and uses the fur to make dolls.

Yet.

Goosebumps.

Holy hell, I can blog from my cell phone. This is so exciting! What? I have to have something to actually say? Oh.