I press down on the accelerator, pushing the pedal to the metal. The needle on the dial goes crazy - 120, 140, 150, 156, 157, 158 - 158 mph and oh shit, I'm running out of road. I ease off the juice and brake to the corner. No drifting when I straighten up. Man, this is one fucking hot machine. I always dreamed of driving one, but now it's actually mine. Can't wipe the smile from my face. Fuck man, I'm driving a genuine '66 Mustang. And not any Mustang either, but a white Shelby Cobra with complete blue "Le Mans" racing stripes. Thanks to Freddy Ferilli and his overwelming generosity, ha ha, it's funny how a big toothy smile can bring out a person's generous nature. All I did was ask him for a test drive and he was busting himself to give me the car. He almost threw the keys at me, he was so excited. He really wanted me to have it. Pity he didn't live to see me drive it. There was a fifty percent chance he could've made it, cos I just gave him a small kiss on the cheek, european style. It was a goodbye gesture, but looks like my teeth just aren't condusive to activity of that kind. Unfortunately for Freddy, I took a chunk out of his face and one of my teeth gashed through the side of his neck, also slicing through his jugular vein. Freddy bled to death within minutes. So now, justice has been done. I have my Shelby and Freddy has his past to answer for. It's all Karma and I still can't wipe the smile from my face.

Two months ago I had some major surgery done to my teeth. All the old human junk was ripped out and replaced with one whole set of shark fangs. It cost me a fucking fortune and about a month of recovery, but it was worth every miserable dollar. I had some serious payback owing and I was gonna tear those muthers apart. Ha ha. You should've seen their faces when they copped an eyeful of my pearly whites. It was pricesless. Next thing they knew, they were choking on their own blood. It was a royal bloody mess. Flesh and limbs were torn, hacked and sliced like butter. God, it was awesome! The power was incredible. The fear....the terror. What a rush. Till next time....safe swimming.

This morning I woke to find myself lying on a rather sandy, but crowded beach. Fortunately, I was clothed at the time so as not to attract any unwanted attention. As I proceeded to rise from the sand, the back of my head pulsated with the most incredible throbs of pain I had ever experienced. My hand automatically reached around to rub my scalp and my finger tips scratched upon the flakey crust of dried blood. Had I been hit? My mind was blank. I could not remember why or how I had gotten into this bruised and confused condition. Did they want me dead? If they did, they made one mistake - they didn't finish the job. I knew only one thing - that I would find who was responsible. And I never leave a job unfinished!

So I was at the pub the other night and this geezer came up to me and said, "Who are you?"

I said, "Sid."

He said, "Sid who?"

I said, "Sid Snot!"

Then he said, "Sid’s not here!"

To all those insecure and neurotic women out there. Please take a photo of your cheating boyfriend/ husband/ slave with you when travelling, as I do not want to be used as a punching bag because you forgot what he looks like. Fuck Off!

Why are oranges called oranges, but lemons are not called yellows?

Why is ok for the TV networks to allow newscasts and bulletins loaded with violence, death, carnage, war, famine and suicide bombs at any and every hour of the day? The church seems to have no problem with children watching these broadcasts even as early as 7 or 8 am.

They do, however, seem to have a problem with adults watching adult themes, such as sex scenes or nudity at a late timeslot of 9.30pm and later. Why is this so offensive to these self-righteous non-entities? Hey kids, here's an image of a jet liner crashing into the twin towers every hour, every day, for two months, but don't you dare look at that naked lady. Does anybody realise how fucked up this is?