Retail Hate Vol. XI

Me: Good afternoon, SF Bookstore. How can I help you?

Customer: Hi. This is going to be a weird question...

Me (thinking to myself): Damn! If I had a dollar for everytime someone said that...

Customer: ...I'm doing this scene with another girl and I have to have a catalog during the scene and it has to be a pamplet or samples of dildos..

Me: I'm sorry.What kind of pamplet?

Customer: Yes. Of dildos.

Me: Your looking for a pamplet of dildos? (customers in the store drop mouth)and your calling here because...?

Customer: It's a prop for the scene I'm in.. 

Me: Hold please.

RETAIL HATE: Vol. IX

Reasons why I'm so glad I don't work on commission.

Some people just don't have a clue. Don't believe everything people tell you, especially your 'close' friends or family. You know? Like the people who audition for American Idol and completely suck, but always say, "Everyone says I have a really good voice." and "I can really sing." No. You can't. We all just witnessed it. Someone needs to be straight up with these people and tell it like it is. Like Simon. You gotta be cruel to be kind. Right?

It happens at my job too. Not that I'm one to judge another persons looks but, c'mon...

Case in point-

REALLY REALLY UGLY CUSTOMER:"Are these the labels to mail out to Modeling Agencies?"

ME:(Shocked!!! She's Hideous. Sorry. ) "Ugh...Yes.."

REALLY REALLY UGLY CUSTOMER:" Good. Cuz I was gonna try and get a modeling agent."

ME: "...for yourself?"

REALLY REALLY UGLY CUSTOMER: "Yeh. My friends told me I could prolly be a model. So, are there any other books here that would be good for me to get for modeling?"

I nod. She follows me over to the bookshelf.

ME: "This is the MAKE-UP and SPECIAL EFFECTS section."

Well, let's just say some people can't take a joke...

RETAIL HATE: Vol. X

Typical dog day afternoon...

Ever have those days at work when you are just completely burned out, and then something makes you laugh and suddenly it's all better? For instance..

(Phone rings)

ME: "Good Afternoon, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER ON THE PHONE: "Hi. I'm an acting teacher. I teach very young children, at my house and I have a couple of dogs..."

ME: (who the F*** cares?)

CUSTOMER ON THE PHONE: (con't)"..and I was looking for scenes for them to do with the dogs. Do you know of any good scenes between kids and dogs?"

ME: "....."

CUSTOMER ON THE PHONE: "I mean, scenes for the kids to do with my dogs?"

ME: "Well, are the dogs going to be speaking?"

CUSTOMER ON THE PHONE: (Laughs) "No! Just the kids are. Maybe. The dogs are in the scenes with the kids."

ME:  "Okay. I get it. Let me see what I can find."

CUSTOMER ON THE PHONE: "Thanks."

At first I'm flabbergasted, but then I look in the kids plays.

ME: "Hello?" I found the following plays; Dogbrain, One hundred and one Dalmations, Babe the Sheep Pig, and Spot's Birthday Party."

CUSTOMER ON THE PHONE: "Oh? Are they scenes with Dogs?"

ME: "I would think so, but I don't really know. You'll have to read them yourself and find out, I'll put them on hold for you."

Done and done.

Only it caused a slight conundrum for her when she came in because the dogs talked in some of the plays and she didn't know if the kids could do the dogs voices or the dogs should do them.

 Whatever Lady.

RETAIL HATE : Vol VIII? (Or whatever)

A Confederacy of Dunces?

After hitting the gym, my roomate and I stopped by HOWES market to get something to eat. It was late at night. I was starving. They had special deals on their sushi and before I could say "Thanks. You ready to go?" My roomate was already scarfing down her spicy tuna handroll in the cafe there. "Guess we are eating here."

So, as we are sitting there eating, this overweight, disheveled, middle-aged man (Ignatius?) with a shopping cart slowly ambles up in front of us and stops. Staring me down.

First I thought. Oh no, some homeless guy. (He kinda had that crazy vibe) I glanced at my blatantly bulging wallet just lying there exposed on the table. My first reflex was to grab it, but I didn't want to make any quick movements. Just yet. There's nothing worse than being caught by a homeless person stuffing your face and having a plump wallet. I'm was screwed. Or so I thought.

Because that's when I noticed his shopping cart had two bags seemingly full of groceries. Oh shit, he's not homeless. I'm just an asshole. Then he started shaking his head at me disapprovingly. What? Do I have food on my face? Was I eating too fast?

"There are kids around here you know." he said to me. Both my roommate and I sat speechless and uncomprehending. He continued with his rant..

" I could never do that. I have giving up so many jobs in this town because of the profanity in the scripts." He looks at me for some kind of response.

No luck. I remain completely flabergasted. I look to my roommate for help. She's just as confused. In fact, she sits with her mouth wide open. Spicy tuna falls out.

"Nothing to say?"

"I'm sorry?" I reply.

 He scoffs at me and turns away, shaking his head in disdain, pushing his cart to another table and sits. (Incedentally, he purchasd two big bags of oranges. Then he proceded to peel and slurpily eat them. One after another. Accumulating a huge pile of orange rinds on the table.)

I look to my roommate. "What the fuck?"

"At first I thought he was some cazy homeless guy." she said.

"Me too." I said.

"Then he started talking about scripts or something," she shrugged, "He's just another crazy actor."

Then it finally dawned on me. 

"He's refering to my T-shirt." I said.

The T-shirt I had worn to the gym, to work-out in. The one said roommate bought for me when she was in New Orleans. It reads:

F.E.M.A Evacuation plan: (Run Mother Fucker Run)Bourbon Street-New Orleans

I apologize to all the kids who were at the gym or in HOWES after 9pm last night. Sorry. But, it was a school night. Shouldn't you be in bed Mother Fucker?

Well...Whacha gon do?

Retail Hate: Volume VI

Seriously...

(Phone ringing)

Me: Good afternoon, S***** F***** .

Customer: Hi. You sell accent tapes there? To listen to right?

Me: Yes.

Customer: Good. I was looking for a deaf accent tape.

Me: Deaf?

Customer: Yes. I need a deaf accent to listen to.

Me: Hold please. (My co-workers have been listening and suggest they rent the movie "Children of a Lesser God.") Hello, thanks for holding, yeah we seem to be out of 'deaf' accent tapes right now, we only have 'blind' ones. You should rent "Children of a Lesser God" and listen to that.

Customer: Oh...

Me: Buh-Bye.

Retail Hate: Volume V

Yet another reason I hate answering the phones. Little Allie has nothing on these folks. 

(phone ringing)

Me: Good afternoon, S***** French.

Customer: Um, yeah, Hi! Do you sell that liquid that gives you real tears??

Me: I'm sorry,... what?

Customer: It's something that makes you cry.

Me: Oh...you mean like Genuine Emotion?

Customer: Uh..I guess.

Me: No. We don't sell that.

(hangs up)

Retail Hate: Volume Two

When you say an actress needs to be committed...