FROM THE MAKERS OF THE LEGENDARY TREK...

DIRECTED BY GEORGE LUCAS (ELLIOT LMAO)

STARRING...

TOBY MCGUIRE AS MARTIN ANDERSON...
EWAN MCGREGOR AS GAVIN CONWAY...
SAMUEL JACKSON AS JONNY BARCLAY...
JACKIE CHAN AS GRAHAM...
JOJO THE MONKEY AS KRIS SHANKS...
KEANU REEVES AS ELLIOT MCGUIGAN...
UMA THURMAN AS EMMA HARVEY...
AND THE REST....(chelsea, Nikki and daniel, i ran out of actors i could remember)

COMING SOON TO A BULLETIN NEAR YOU...
SUNDAY 20th OF AUGUST
LIKE NOW!

After a day in stirling , which was quite quality yeah, i decided to invite a few friends over seein as i had an empty til lunchtime today.
i invited loadsa folk but most wernt allowed lol but i did get
jonny
daniel
martin
emma
chelsea
nikki
gavin
graham
and kris to stay.
lucie, emma, ashleigh, liam, ander, kerri and will were here too but they left before anythin funny happened.

first of all, jonny pelted a stone at ma neighbours window and he was ragin at me so hes a dick for that.
and then we get to the fun stuff
at first we just threw my medicine ball about lol until at 10, scary movie 2 came on, so we watched that, was a laugh
( "Why Wont You Talk To Me!?!" "Because You Gave Me Crabs!")
and then we watched south park
hehe that was also quite funny
("Gay as in Joyful, Not as in Penetration Of The Bum")
soon we got bored with tv and we played hidey in the dark, which is quite good if you know the hiding places.
we spent about 2 hours doin that and then we decided to go to the legendary place that has a part in all of my world famous bulletins, TESCOS!
Kris was wearin my little bros monkey suit thing and he walked to tescos wearin it and he seen all these people outside the cathedral club, so he ran past them goin "oooh ah ahaha!!!"
lmao
got to tescos.
got the usual shyte, 21p cola, 25p mouldy jaffa cakes, milky way spread lol
we pushed kris about in a trolley and we got dodgys from the staff until some fat guy threw kris out lol
back tae ma bit, and kris ran past the ppl ootside the club again.

we ate pizzas and milky way toast for a while then had another game of hidey for about half an hour
the lassies and daniel fucked off for a while for a feminine chat
so we sat in the livin room and watched [adult swim] and some pub comedy thing
("Is That Not The Most Delicious Thing To Ever Touch Your Fat Indian Lips?")
we tried to get gavins dodgy ps2 to work but it didnt. ah fuckit.

we took the matress from the spare room and put it on my 2nd floor thing in my room and decided to fit everyone in that space.
we had nikki, jonny, chelsea and me in my bed
gavin in the squashed matress, everyone else on my brothers single bed lmao
we slept for about an hour and then i got up to watch Metal! A headbangers journey and i slowly gathered a few fans.
("What has inspired your band?" "Satan.")
then i got bored and turned it off and went back to sleep for a few hours.
when i woke up it was 6 o clock and kris had broke my fan, the fanny.
took us aboot 20 mins to fix it and then we lay in the beds with the fan on :-)

nikki left to go home at like 8 and then we had to tidy up all the shit we had piled up through the night and it took all of 2 hours, coz i was the only one tidyin.
then blahdyblahdyblah, everyone left to go home and now im here typing this out, tired as fuck as usual.
fun fun
xxxx

once again our heroes and some new faces decided to go on a quest for no apparent reason.

dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnn

starring
ELLIOT MCGUIGAN
JONNY BARCLAY
JONNY LUKE
MARTIN ANDERSON
DANIEL BETT
NEIL MCDONALD (OR TAJ)
and for like 5 minutes STEVEN EARLE!!

our story begins in the vast lands of stirling in the plains of kings park....

we were all playin football and all of a sudden earle was attacked by a giant gay leprechaun thing...a.k.a jonny luke lol
earle was mortally wounded and was sent straight to VALHALLA and was treated by the greatest doctors in the clan of NHS.
alas, even with steven earle, one of the original legends, we could not let such a random oppertunity go to waste.
so the giant gay leprechaun and earle fucked off to VALHALL and we decided to hang about up the kingdom of the rocks and drink ale lol rofl lmao

so we spent about 3 hours fuckin aboot and tryin to get laura morgan to strip but alas that failed miserably. damn!
ah well what else did we do again...?
ummm
we tried to get laura to strip again but she didnt again. fuck!!
then came the time which we had to part ways with the fair maidens (lucie ashleigh emma ross) and we ditched the circus monkey in the trees with a life supply of bananas!!!
fuckin monkey...

it started to rain so we asked again if laura would strip but yet again we failed. shit!!
so we walked in the rain down to the town where we found out there was some pirate joint thingy hapening so we were like wtf??
so we went in for the crack with ickle martin and it sucked ASS, we caught the end of pirates of the carribean.
so we left and went to tescos to spend exactly 669 gold peices on random shit food. the cheese was shyte btw dont buy it.
we went to the bowling arena for some reason and met a lord named tomson and he was class lol "wallap!" lol he danced aboot like a prick lol

then we went up to the street wi roadshow in it and jonny luke (he came back btw not sure when)
decided to fuck off into the pub wi some cunt called gee while we fucked aboot outside drinkin merrydown lol cider sucks ass!
i prefer good old viking ale!!! rofl
aight then we went to the bus station and spent about 2 hours talkin about how nathan gail should be assraped by the dimebag darrel and who were legends of our time. starring eric clapton and elvis lol lmao rofl pmsl
we got on the bus and started telling each other top secrets
(like jonny barclay has a vagina!!!)
and we got off in inglewood which was miles away from our destination...which we wernt quite sure where it was until jonny luke told us.

we were fuckin aboot in the street almost at our destination wen the holy time came.
2
MINUTES
TO
MIDNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT
and we randomly sang that and telt jonny to get off the fone lol dick.
and then we walked for a bit then he told us "we dinny have tae go anymair btw"
what a big gay leprechaun.

so we discovered mystical time barriers and placed them across the path i choose lol rofl lmao iced earth
dudududududududddudddddd
lol
so we waited for a while and then a engine vehicle cam and overcame our time barrier and we were shocked and appaled.
so how do we overcome this problem??
WE PUT 4 TIME BARRIERS!!!
lol so then some dude in a engine vehicle came and was like wtf?? so he went the other way!!
aha!
we have thwarted evil!
rofl

we ran like scared little french girls to the church and decided to make cheese sandwiches and jam lol
some guys came past and were like why the fuck are they dickheids makin cheese and jam sarnies at fuckin 12am??
couldnae tell ye lol
taj patter

we ripped the piss oota kyle genitals for a while lol and then we went to tescos lol
we wandered around the nightlife for an hour lookin for hot lassies and avoidin the ybr lol
jonny was lookin rich wi his cigars....dickheid....
lmao rofl
btw during this entire time jonny b was bein a pussy lol!!!
polis!! polis!! lol

we  sat about at the leisure bowl smokin joints for another hour and a half listnin to deathmetal lol and then we got bored and fucked off down the town...
we got asked for fags off these two lassies and they were like "are you french??2 and we were like "fuck off!!! french people eat ass!!! go lick your own earfanny thing!!!"
they didnt gie us fags btw lol

heres a short lesson on junkie names lol
ALL JUNKES NAMES ARE ALONG THE LINES OF "JOE"
there was joke from the previos quest wich is only wrong by a letter
and now....
jakie joe!!!

we made a huge fire in a paper recyclin bin lol and it burned for ages but thats not that important lol
until martin went
"aw naw! junkies!"
rofl

we seen a guy passed out on a bench so we filmed hitting him with bottles and shit for a while (greatest laugh of the night lol) and we got like 4 videos lol
and he didnt wake up lol

we went back to tescos and me and jonny luke got accused of eating ham without paying by some fat bald security guard lol!!! we did actually pay for it this time!!!
gasp!!!
shock!!!
horror!!!
baldness!!!

we had a nice long chat and watched some wifie at the window for a while lol thn went to westy and played "KICK THE CAT!!!"
we missed....

we started another fire in a bin and jonny luke and martin  jumped over it. we got videos of that too.

then we went up to some shitty bench and ate cereal until jonny L
threw his cereal at jonny b and he got pissed off and took a raj at his bag lol
pussy lol

we then went back to jakie joe and discovered...
...he was gone!!!!
then we went to the shop for a pack o baccy and went back to jakie joes bit and seen him wanderin doon the street lol i asked him for the time randomly and he got it wrong by like an hour lol what a dickheid

then came the foul demon...
the lord of evil
the king of korn?
(naw its no doctor p.c)
it was another fuckin junkie called josef!!!(also along the lines of joe lol)
he talked to us for about an hour and he coughed like "HWOAAAAAAAAAAARG HWOAAAAAAAARG"
which sucked serious ass coz he was a dick
and we finally got rid of him when he went for fags...
or so we thought....

we were sittin down near tescos when out of the black...came josef!!!
fuck!!!
we spent another fuckin hour talkin tae him and he was like
"are you still here?"
fuck off ya jakie bastard!!!
so he went doon to tescos and we got rid of him...
or so we thought...

we went to tescos for a while and sat in the cafe while me and jonny L had a kip and the rest listened to ma ipod
then another gay security guard chucked us oot!!
why does that always happen???
so we slept on the benches ootside and taj and martin filled a "spot on glass" with piss lol

later we fucked off up to westy again where we met ye fair maidens minus ross.
i fell asleep.........

I awoke...
i seen ashleigh sitting next to me and i was like
"hi ashleigh, how are you today?"
but before she could answer i heard....
HWOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG
HWOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRG
and i was like...
no...
it cant be...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ITS FUCKIN JOSEF!!
i shat a brick!!
e spent ANOTHER fuckin hour talkin to the prick and he started feeling up jonny lukes hair lol he had a leprechaun fetish apparently

some sound fat wife told us tht he was a pedo!!!!
we were like...shit
and then he left with some random kid and we hope he wasnt raped :-(

then betty boy had a sudden gay craving for cheese on toast and we walked to jonny barclays multi storey shed.
we lived in poverty for a while until i went to bed with jonny luke....dont ask...
and then i ended up here writing this story in this tiny fucking poverty filled room surrounded by dickheads.
and jonny luke is having a wank.
dickhead.
you may ask what is the point in the quest?
couldnae tell ye
taj patter lol

lol thats me the prick of the day then lol

goodnight to all and to all goodnight

THE END

the moral of the story is dont talk to jakies called josef.
or youl waste 3 hours of ur life talkin about his son, duck amd his experience with bob dylan at woodstock..
what a fuckin dick.

Here's his little story about Saturday night. :]


Some of you may have heard the rumours of this quest...
but here is the true story
it started off with our heroes:
ELLIOT MCGUIGAN
JONNY BARCLAY
JONNY LUKE
STEVEN ERROL
TAJ

we were camping in the millgreen at dollar, drinkin and shit
until we then realised
there wasnt any drink left.
we had already moshpitted ourselves to exhaustion
and errol wanted us to wait for joanie and nicolle to come back. not sure why the left or anyhin but we waited anyway.
at around 11, we voyaged down to strathdevon primary school and knocked over a few bins and were chased by a scary car.
oooooo the scary car....

round about 10 to 12, we had lost the scary car and were finished our vandalising spree (which also inclueded letting down the dollar academy school buses tires!! muahaha)
and we wandered back up to the millgreen and sat underneath a tree for a while.
then, an idea arrived in jonny lukes head
"why dont we take a trip to tescos in alloa? i can go see emma too, she's crashin at lucies!"
and we were like
"fuckin' yeah! lets go"
"crackin'" said Jonny L
except errol, whos a difficult wee bastart who wanted tae wait for joanie and nicolle, but in the end, he joined our quest.

at 2 minutes to midnight we all started singing the iron maiden song, but that isnt important.

at 1.25 we had got to the beginning of our quest. the road.
we ventured through the darkness listening to songs on my ipod loudspeakers like pantera, deicide, house of pain and the steak pie choon (steak pie muthafucka!) along with the occasional passing of ross and his ned car lol
we kept our spirits up with the music until we got to taits tomb, where it started to bastardin rain!
i had to put my ipod away incase it got all wet and stuff so we just talked, and soon we arrived at our first destination:
THE TOWN OF TILLICOULTRY
we arrived at around 2:45-ish and stopped at a bus stop and lay down to regain our strength and morale.
"Cant we just crash here in the busstop?" asks errol
"no, ya cunt, we'l wake up with our knobs for sale on ebay and bruises on oor arses!" says jonny L
so we rest for 10 minutes and then continue.
at around 3.25, we reach the road to benvie (before having blocked off the road with cones and barriers muahahah) and we started doing star jumps to random passing cars, and one police van.

We rested again at benveiw, passing the triplets hoos and then we continued towards fishcross at 3.50
then, behold, riding towards us on a wonky bike, came a ringwraith!!!!
no really, it was some junkie called jock(pronounce it joke) who talked to us for about 20 mins about magic mushies and testicle tatoos.
after we left jock, we spent another half hoor takin the piss oot o him
fuck sake he was a right junkie.
jock is a fuckin joke
lol

thus we exited fishcross and had a long boring patch to sauchie until we got to the border between alloa and sauchie.
we held hands and passed through together and cheered coz our valiant quest was nearing its end.

but alas, all tales have sadness in them
Errol remembered he had a paper round at 9.
"ill be late!" he shouted
" a wizard is never late, nor is he early, he always arrives precisely when he means to..." we recite
lolage.

thus we parted ways with errol and there was much sorrow.
but shit happenes, we move on.
at last. at 5.57 we reached the tescos car park.
so we walked that last desperate few metres and all walked into tescos together again
another mighty cheer!

thus we bought diet kick, tesco value digestive biscuits and sweets lol
me and jonny L went up to the cafe to get the most well deserved seat of our lives while jonny b and taj got confused over the self service machines.
we tried to steal sandwiches and shit but there was a camera so we just went "fuck that"

but, woe is me, we were thrown out for like no reason, but tesco security guards are cunts.
we sat on a stupit bench for like half an hour eatin oor shit and then emma coyne and lucie arrived and we wandered tae west end park and slept on benches.

then at 10, we went to ma hoos and slept in ma bedroom and thus our journey came to an end.

ah well
it was a fuckin legendary night
this should go down in fuckin history!!

and theres a moral to this story.
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"a wizard is never late. nor is he early. he always arrives exactly when he means to"