I just got an email. It was full of jokes about the economy and merging companies to make funny names. Like 3M and Goodyear merging and becoming MMMgood. Hilarious. It was an okay email I guess, but it's not like PolygramRecords, Warner Bros, and ZestaCrackers would ever join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. They're not even in the same industry, duh.

In fact, I've never ever heard of "ZestaCrackers." And what's funny is they don't even use "Zesta" why didn't they just pick Ritz Crackers? Everybody has heard of that. This is a stupid idea, I can do it right now just using obscure companies, here we go.

Did you hear that 24 Hour Fitness, Country Living Magazine, and the Parker Brother's game Boggle had to merge?? Yeah, they're now called: Hour Boggled Country!!! Booyah!

Anyway, that "Booyah" there. That's what drives me nuts about email forwards. This one I'm talking about, the last joke's punch line was "TittyTittyBangBang." Then the email said "Now you KNOW you're gonna forward this!!"

Ugh. Yeah. You really fucking got me on that last one, email. The whole time I was thinking, you're pretty good, but really need something to push you over the top into "forwarding zone" -- Oh SHIT! You GOT me, email! Good for you! Forward forward forward.

Like the words "TittyTittyBangBang" suddenly make it irresistible not to repeat. Later and the grocery store I'm saying it to every stranger that walks by. It's that fucking funny. Jesus Christ.

The worst forwards are those ones that make you scroll down. And while you're doing it, lines pop up like "Wait for it!!!" or "You're gonna love this!!" Then you get to the punchline, and it's like "Frank is my DOG'S name!!" Then even bigger it says "Oh no I didn't! Betcha didn't see THAT one coming!"

It's like if you went to see stand-up comedy and after every joke the guy was like "Do you love it! I know, right?! Hilarious!!!"

Fuck you. Fuck forwards. What is this, the late 90's? If it doesn't have a picture of a cute kitten or puppy, I really don't need to see it.

I'm trying to write a cartoon. Here's the note I got, "Make it like the show you gave us a year ago, only take out the school." Awesome. The whole show took place in a school. The evil villain is the school librarian. So what now, she works at the public library? Nobody ever goes there. Except the homeless. Maybe I could make my ten year-old lead a homeless drug addict who washes himself in the library water-fountain. Is that comedy? Wait, is that comedy that appeals to 10-12 year-olds?

I guess I have to be careful what I say here because I don't want to end up like Dan Monster House Harmon... But tv executives are stupid, right? I'm asking that, not making a statement. I mean, any time they're in a tv show or movie, they're always stupid. So, that's gotta be based on something true, I think. Just like how all Jewish people are concerned with money and every Mexican is sleepy. Black people like fried-chicken. That one's cheating though because EVERYBODY likes fried-chicken.

Don't get me wrong, they're nice people, and probably hard working(?). But when you sell them a show based in a school -- like, not even just "based" but the school could be considered a character in the show, like how Boston is sort of a character in the best movie ever, Good Will Hunting.

I guess I just have to be a better writer. I'm already being exposed as a non-talent. Just take out the school, Wade, stop being a dipshit. Here's a box, stuff yourself into it. It's like trying to make your television fit back into the protective Styrofoam it was shipped in. You have to be a fucking engineer to figure that shit out. So now I have to be a writing engineer filling up a box with jokes for 10 year-olds so that in between my mediocrity, they'll buy more McDonald's.

Anyway, I'm just doing that thing where you put off stuff -- jesus, I'm getting so stupid -- procrastinating. The hardest thing about writing a children's show is that I'm 30 and that was 20 years ago for me. Fuck. 20 years ago, 30 was ancient. I guess it still is. The good news is that I now own one fifth of a vacant townhouse in Colorado.

Eat your heart out Matt Braunger, I have the worst mother fucking problems.

Fuck! Spread the word!

My newest video that's sweeping the underground home-made mtv parody video world.

Fuck politics. Fuck politicians. I don't need it. Leave me alone. Fuck.

I'm aching. I'm always aching. Do you have to be a serious figure for suicide to make you a tragic figure? That comedian who killed himself last year wasn't tragic because he was a comedian. That's the definition of "tragic" isn't it? But no, Heath Ledger is tragic. Elliot Smith is tragic. Because you could watch/listen to things they did that were painful. Not jokes about jean-jackets. I don't know any of that guy's bits. If he had one about jean-jackets, I'll bet it was hilarious. I'll bet it mentioned the "Bedazzler."

Jesus Christ, I can't think of these things. Mortality gets more morbid every year. Fat. Bald. Heart disease. Colon cancer. Fucking shit. And I'm supposed to watch three hours of plastic people talk politics?

I don't understand the conventions. It's just a bunch of sycophants sucking dick, isn't it? What's the point? We all know who they're going to nominate. They already have. There's already millions of dollars invested in smear campaigns and bullshit. Save the fucking balloon money and confetti canons -- Kids NEED those for summer camp. Send out a press release and let me get back to the shitty reality television shows about buying real estate, so I can delete them from my ever-clogging DVR.

America's Next Top Asshole.

Taxes and abortion and illegal immigrants. Holy shit, it's all so serious. I'm writing a movie about a giant, talking penis who fucks tunnels and causes traffic jams. Is that on this year's agenda, Barack? Johny M.C? No it's not. So I'll get back to that and drinking and you guys can get back to lip-service and photo-shoots. Blue vs. Red. Race wars are hate crimes so we assign our own colors.

Fuck it all. Nobody is going to notice anything. The people in favor of the winning president are going to find facts that back them up, and the people adverse will find the opposite. In any case, AIDS wins. Cancer, diabetes and feline leukemia win. And we're left holding a cock shaped like a (half) black guy with big ears or an old white guy with reconstructive surgery.

It's enough to make you want to make just enough money to buy your own island and get legally stoned every day for the rest of your short-black or long-white life.

What America needs is a president who looks like Martin Lawrence. You win, Barack!

It's so hard to do black tar heroin when nobody's looking. The only reason for doing it is to make people feel something for you. Even if that something is that they want you to stop. Well, FUCK YOU. I'm doing it anyway. Constantly.

The smell of sex and disappointment. And people not loving me. Have fun at all those parties. I'll be here, alone, with my black tar heroin. I can shoot it or smoke it. It's flexible, unlike the managers at ShopCo. Fuck you and all your stockers. I'll just take my black tar heroin and go my own way.

Oh yeah! I can feel it in my veins and/or lungs! It feels like cotton candy! I'm so tired... but not like normally when I'm tired of all your bullshit. This is a good tired. It's tired like falling asleep on the furry stomach of your childhood dog. Or tired like nap time in pre-school after making the best fucking paper-plate clock this GOD-DAMNED world has ever seen.

Yeah. I love you, black tar heroin. You're better than all of my friends put together.

Watch this. I made it after doing a shitload of black tar heroin:

Oh man, look at that fucking match.com ad where the girl is smiling at the camera like a fucking lobotomized sex-fiend.

I so want to fuck her so fucking bad now. I'm gonna join match.com because some idiot in a video is fucking smile-flirting with me! She's totally cute and not annoying at all. That's what I love about women, their faces! Can't wait to put my dick in that face!

I'm sorry. I'm mad. You won't be notified about this blog anyway because Myspace is a fucking disaster area. God damned future.

EDIT:



Join the Jam
DGTTM

Hello family. It's been a while. I'm out here in sunny Los Angeles, just shooting the shit. I have some updates for you, family, since, like I said, it's been a while.

Update number one:

I had dinner with my friend Drew! Look how little he is next to these normal sized portions!



Update number two:

Did you know I'm a TV star now? It's true! They gave me my own trailer and everything. Here's me just "chillin'" lol!


My trailer had a TV that was big enough for me and all my chins!


I brought my own lunch, so it was "ok" that they had a fridge for me!


It was also totally bad ass that there was a microwave for me to warm it up!


When I spilled my lunch on myself, they even gave me a shower to clean myself up!


Here's a mirror!


Update number three:

I'm a painter now!


Update number four:

South Park didn't hire me because they said I didn't "contribute" enough, whatever that means. I think it was really because I snapped this photo on the charter flight. Assholes.


Update number five:

I'm a father!


She sort of hates me, but it's okay, because I hate her too!


So I guess that's it. Talk to you in another ten years!

Love,
Wade
xoxoxo

I picked a random episode and there was no "last time on" so I'm confused already.

4:10 - Oh, it's Thanksgiving. Some people want to have sex with each other. I think this guy is Mr. McSteam or something. His girlfriend in the kangol hat (I looked it up) wants to have sex but he wants to give her anesthesia. Geeze doctors don't know when to stop being doctors!

Okay, now they're in the hospital talking about boring stuff, so in the meantime I'll tell you about the only episode of this show I've ever seen before. It was the one after a Super Bowl and a man had a bomb in him and it was retarded. To keep it from going off this girl had to keep her hand inside him (as to not upset the bomb), then she got scared and took it out, and to keep it from going off ANOTHER GIRL PUT HER HANDS IN THE BODY. I don't know much about bombs, but I'm pretty sure that touching them doesn't keep them from going off. The fact that it didn't go off when she removed her hands, probably meant that it wasn't going to go off. No need to jostle it further by sticking another pair of hands on it. Fucking retarded.

So anyway, a dead/coma(?) guy just opened his eyes and looked at this woman doctor -- Holy shit, her name is "Grey"?!?! What is the reason for that? "I'd greenlight this new doctor show but I'm not sure America knows what Grey's Anatomy is, so let's name one of the characters Grey and really retard-proof this mother fucker."

4:20 - Hotty McDream is turkey hunting but doesn't want to hunt the turkey. Meanwhile Sexy SteamBoat is helping with ComaMcHotLips who keeps looking at LongStems Grey. Asian Babenstein needs help making Thanksgiving dinner and wants to get drunk. KangolHatTitties is alone wanting Steamy McRad to come fuck her but he's too busy finding HotDudeComa's family. The two black doctors: SexyBlackMale and SexyBlackFemale are actually working, on a dude who got stabbed in the back (McStabby).

4:30 - There's a lot of talking about working on Thanksgiving between McChizzleFaceBuzzcut and Grey's Booby. SweetFace Coma just woke up! The doctors at home are making the turkey but it's funny because they're acting like they're operating on it! AsianBootyMama is curiously angered by this. I'd bet it's because she's sick of everything in her life being about doctoring stuff all the time, but I'd be wrong. It's because her SexyBlackMale2Boyfriend world is colliding with her SexyNonDoctorFriends world. She goes to get booze.

4:35 - DreamyPacifist shoots a turkey because his brother's found out he's not a surgeon and were giving him tons of shit. Then one of the brothers shoots their dad in the butt. I almost guarantee that the family will respect their DreamyBro when he removes the buckshot, but I'd be wrong again. In the operating room he yells at his family for talking about cars. You following this?

4:40 - ComaSixPack's family moved on when he was in a coma and now he's sad. What a selfish asshole. Oh yeah, Lucy Liu went back to work instead of getting booze. What a selfish bitch. How do people watch this show without just constantly thinking they have Cancer? I wish I had health insurance for all the Cancer I probably have.

4:45 - There's nothing like having a heart-to-heart with your father while taking metal out of his ass.

4:50 - ComaTightBuns died in surgery because McSteamRoom was too busy thinking about how attractive he is. This causes McGrey to drop a sponge in sadness. This is a metaphor for how much doctors care about their patients. They are emotional sponges and sometimes are forced to unload their baggage by dropping it in the sink.

4:52 - Is there a show on TV that isn't bookended by a thoughtful voice-over which ties all the seemingly non-related storylines together? I'm not even paying attention, this show doesn't know if it's supposed to be serious or not. It's trying really hard to be serious right now, however. Trendy, emotional music laid under the voice-over, people having conversations, connecting with each other, making new friends, and finding courage they knew not they had. Roll credits as trendy music piano tinkers on, alone, pulling on the strings of the heart.

What a piece of shit.

What the fuck has Wade been up to?

A fucking lot. Included:



Post it everywhere. I'm so sick of doing this for free. Thanks to Erin Hill and Ben Pluimer, both wonderful.