People sometimes ask me, "Will there ever be an 'Angel and me, Part 2'?  I've been putting it off because there was a lot of personal pain and tragedy.  Angel was part of my life for two years--from May of 2005 until June of 2007, when I saw him last.  I thank God that I met him because he helped me become close to God.  We had a wonderful friendship up until he was released from prison.  We gave each other encouragement and he looked up to me like a father.  After he was released though, things changed--he returned to old friends and old habits.  I tried to give him advice, but he wouldn't listen and he did what he wanted to do and met with personal tragedy.  I used to blame myself for what happened and went through a lot of guilt, thinking that there must have been something I could have done to prevent it.  But he hid stuff from me and I didn't find out until it was too late.  Only God can heal the wounds and dry the tears.  I last heard from Angel in July of 2007 and as far as I know, he is alive and doing well.  I would love to hear from him again.  I still can't write about what happened and I may never be able to, but if I could say one thing to him, it would be "I love you and I thank God you were a part of my life."  God bless you Angel.

I'd like to introduce you to the man who brought me to Jesus Christ.  His name is Angel Martinez, and he was an inmate in the Illinois State Prison system.  He's been released now, and even though we're not as close as we were before, I still thank him for helping save my life.

I started writing to Angel in May of 2005.  At the time, I was involved with the Urbana/Champaign Independent Media Center, and they have a Books to Prisoners program.  One of the program leaders told me that there was an inmate who wanted a book on Puerto Rican history and she knew that I went to Puerto Rico to work every winter.  As it turns out, I had a book on Puerto Rican history, so I mailed it to Angel along with a brief letter, and he wrote me back.  That was the beginning of two years of correspondence and hundreds of letters back and forth.

From early on, Angel wrote to me about God and Jesus Christ.  I'd like to share one of his letters to me, and my reply, where I tell him that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior.


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August 19, 2005

Dear Phil,

I honestly hope that when you receive this letter that you are in the best of mind and health as I continue to keep you in my prayers.

Man brother Phil, when I read your letter about how your mom almost left you, it tore me up 'cause I know how you feel.  And now I know you can relate to what I'm telling you about, you know!  So I'll be here for you too, okay, 'cause you're my brother and I've grown real close to you through these li'l letters, you feel me?  So you can count on me to be here for you, okay.  You can tell me whatever, I won't be scared or think any less of you too!

I'm still trippin' about how you said you had a vision of the Virgin Mary.  Yes, I am praying for you, and when you saw it I was probably doing it at that very time.  When I read that letter, I said Thank You God for helping my brother Phil and for answering my prayers.  I'm very, very happy to know you are living your life a little cleaner.  That's good!!  Keep it up, okay?  Maybe God is trying to tell you something.

You're very welcome for letting me be a role model for you as well!  I had a vision too when I first accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior.  I saw Jesus Christ pointing to his heart with one hand and a light with the other.  It means that I have to believe in Jesus with my heart and love Him so I can see the light, which is Jesus.  It was cool.  Also, he (Jesus) showed me a picture frame of a hill with a road going up, which means God is giving me a better path in life!  Cool, huh?  But yeah, bro', as I continue to pray for you, I hope you too will accept Jesus Christ as your Savior.  It's awesome!  All you have to do is pray this prayer:


Please, brother Phil, do this, okay?  I promise you that God will be there for you no matter what.  No sin is too bad for Him to forgive.  Jesus loves you!  And if you can, go to church, okay?  When was the last time you've been there?  Well, I've just received my first Bible course in the mail today and I got so happy I cried, 'cause I've been trying to get it for so long.  I know God is with me now.  He's always been there for me, and he's there for you, too!  Well, wish me good luck on my test scores.  Okay bro'.  Cuídate, mi hermano!   Estoy pensando en ti también.  Que Dios te bendiga.

Your bro',

Angel


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September 3, 2005

Dear Angel,

Cómo estás, mi hermano?  Thank you for your wonderful letter and card that were waiting for me when I got back from Puerto Rico.  You really made my day, my week, and maybe my life!  I can tell that you really care about me and that you want me to live a clean, healthy life.  It's a struggle, Angel, but I'm already making some changes and improvements, which I'll tell you about soon enough, because I feel like I can tell you anything now and you won't turn your back on me.  Thanks for being there for me.  I'll be there for you, too.  Like you said, brothers 4 life :-).

First, I want to tell you that I love you, brother Angel.  It's hard for me to say that, but I've wanted to--I just didn't want you to take it the wrong way.  It's one of the things I thought about while I was listening to the coquies the other night.  Life is short, and if you care about someone, you need to tell them and show them while you have a chance to.  I want to be a good brother to you.  I tried to say some of these things in my last letter, but I want to be more clear.  

Thanks for sharing your conversion with me.  I know you really care about me.  I believe in Jesus and the example that he set for all of humanity on how we should treat each other.  I'm a little afraid of organized religion and churches because I've seen how some have used religion for political purposes and to oppress others.  I've suffered personally because of this.  I think that religion must primarily focus on each person's individual relationship with God and not in lecturing what people should and shouldn't do.  If a person has a good relationship with God, they'll know what they should and shouldn't do, and the Bible is there for guidance.

Angel, what you've been telling me in your letters has already changed my life for the better.  My biggest problem has been trying to live a clean life.  It's going to be very hard for me to tell you about his, but I can't keep putting it off.  Your letter has given me the courage to say these things.  First, and easiest for me to say, is that even though I don't drink a lot of alcohol (one or two drinks a day), I don't weigh a lot, so even a little bit affects me.  I cut way back in Puerto Rico because I had to, and I've cut way back since I got back because of you.  After I read your letter, it's like you're here with me, and I don't want to let you down by getting drunk and sick.  I can't be a good brother to you if I'm sick.  The second (and hardest) thing I need to say is (God give me the courage to say this to my litter brother) is that I'm gay.  A lot of people have turned their back on me--I've been really hurt, but I've tried to forget all that and get on with my life.  All of the suffering I went through I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I think that's why I'm a kind, compassionate person.  What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I guess.  This is very hard, but I need to tell you the most important things so you know what I'm going through.  My roommate, J---, is my partner.  We met 10 years ago, but haven't had sex in a couple of years, so now, we're more like best friends.  But, I had been seeing other people maybe once or twice a week.  Now it's been a month since I've been with another man, and I don't want to do it again.  I'm HIV negative, Angel, and I don't want to risk getting AIDS or other diseases.  Talking to you makes it easier for me.  Now that you know, I won't let you down.  I've asked for God's forgiveness.  I'm asking for your forgiveness, too.

I just prayed the prayer you sent me.  The part "I repent and turn from my sins" is the hardest.  I'm trying, Angel.  It's a work in progress.  I think that it must be hard for everybody.  Just knowing that you're there and praying for me helps a lot.  And you can tell me anything too, brother.  I won't turn my back on you.  God bless you, brother Angel.

Phil

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September 10, 2005

Dear Angel,

How are you doing, my brother?  Espero que estás vivito y coleando :-).  You have made such a big difference in my life, little brother.  Thank you for opening my eyes and for being there for me.  I'm still doing great, living a clean life.  I'll keep you posted on that, because I'm telling you everything, little brother.  It helps me to tell you the good and the bad because it always serves as a constant reminder that you're counting on me, and I want to set a good example for you.  It also reminds me of your commitment to God, and the commitment that I am making with God.  I won't let you down.

I know that by now you've received my letter that I think was a bombshell, and the sun has still been rising everyday to greet me in all of God's beauty and glory, so I'm not worried about it.  I just hope I'm not making you upset or worrying you.  The good thing is that I'm making changes, living a clean life, thinking about God, working to make you happy and proud of me.  Going to Puerto Rico to think about things and getting your letter when I got back made a huge difference for me.  Thanks again, little brother, for being a part of my life.  Take care, Angel, and may God bless you!  I'll write again soon.

Phil

Hi, welcome to my blog!  For now, I'm going to be posting material I've already written, but when I get caught up, I'll start posting new material.  The topics I'll be dealing with at the beginning are Christianity, homosexuality, and major events that have taken place in my life, things that have made me the person I am today.  Hopefully, this will be the beginning of a long journey of healing.  Enjoy!