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Henry The Alcoholic Critic

Last Updated: 7/25/2009

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Gender: Male
Status: Divorced
Age: 75
Sign: Sagittarius

City: Concord
State: California
Country: US
Signup Date: 7/3/2007

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

VIDEO: Big Tone and I review a movie, but... uh... a lot more shit happens

Currently listening:
Shit Happens
Release date: 31 October, 2006

10:55 AM

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Friday, February 01, 2008

Fuck that Muppet Rowlf, FUCK HIM STRAIGHT TO HELL
Current mood:

drunk

I remember my first meeting with Rowlf The Dog. I stuck my hand out to shake his paw and he just stared at it, like I was the scum of the Earth, and then smirked as he walked past. At that moment, I silently prayed for Rowlf's destruction.

And thankfully, God eventually answered my prayers of hate.

Rowlf The Dog would have been as big a star as Kermit, but he kept fucking up. The bastard was basically the first Muppet ever, but he blew it. HE BLEW IT! HE BLEW IT LIKE A WHORE BLOWS THE SEMEN FROM A COCK!

Jim Henson had Rowlf scheduled to appear as the star Muppet on the first episode of "Sesame Street" ever. Kermit wasn't even interested in the "Sesame Street" project because he thought it would cause him to be typecast, so it was Rowlf's job to lose. And big surprise! He did lose it, like the red-rocket sucking loser he is. Rowlf just kept showing up drunk to work, with his shaking paws gripping the ass-end of the previous night's bottle of cheap Merlot. Eventually they fired his alcoholic ass and Kermit reluctantly agreed to appear on "Sesame Street," and the rest is history.

Rowlf eventually conquered his drinking problem. Henson, nothing if not loyal, gave the stupid drunk Muppet a second chance. Big mistake, if you ask me. Anyway, Rowlf got a job on "The Muppet Show" as the piano player, eventually graduating to a lead character in the popular 'Veterinarians' Hospital' skits on the show.

When Henson died in 1990, Rowlf again spiraled into self destruction. I knew he would - without the gullible Henson to guide his career, Rowlf was basically the scum of the earth. I once watched the guy suck an intern's dick for a key bump in a restroom stall at a Bob's Big Boy in Ventura. Not surprisingly, Rowlf disappeared from the spotlight soon after. He resurfaced two years later, in 1992, when his star sunk even further after he was videotaped participating in the beating of Reginald Denny during the L.A. riots.

Aside from occasional public appearances at D.A.R.E. events after that, Rowlf kept a low profile. Good riddance, I said at the time.

It wasn't until Weezer decided to record the video for "Keep Fishin'" with the Muppets that Rowlf suddenly showed an interest in being a Muppet star again. I remember watching him approach Weezer's drummer Pat Wilson's dressing room with a bag full of nose candy that he had scribbled "WEEZER CANDY" on in crayon. Rowlf's plan must have worked, though, because Rowlf is briefly visible in the video. Wonder whose load he drank for that.

Anyway, from what I've heard, Rowlf is currently working in a legal office owned by Nanny's brother-in-law.

In closing, let me just say that I guess there is justice in this world. I went from an alcoholic to the greatest alcoholic puppet movie critic of all time, while stupid Rowlf went from a Muppet to a secretary.

So I win, Rowlf. Henry The Alcoholic Critic always wins. Next time shake my hand, asshole.

P.S. Rowlf can't really even play the piano, he just hammered the keys and they played piano music over it.

Currently watching:
Days of Wine and Roses
Release date: 06 January, 2004

9:14 AM

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Monday, November 19, 2007

VIDEO REVIEW: "I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry"
Current mood:

drunk

Currently listening:
Drunk Enough to Dance
By Bowling for Soup
Release date: 20 August, 2002

5:08 AM

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Thursday, October 25, 2007

Working for "Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood"
Current mood:

depressed

In the late 80's, as I hit rock bottom with my coke habit, I took a job as a cameraman for "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood."

Here's what I thought of the 'Hood.

Mr. Rogers himself was a pretty decent guy, although I'd trust John Mark Karr with my kids before I would've trusted that guy. Just kidding. Seriously, though, I was never comfortable with the way he used to change his shoes immediately after getting home - what's the point of taking off your shoes just to put on another pair of shoes? Why not just walk around in your socks, asshole; what the fuck are you trying to hide? And damn, that Imelda Marcos motherfucker had a lot of shoes! I accidentally walked into his closet once and it was nothing but tennis shoes... and tied up garbage bags, but I was afraid to ask about those, especially since one of the bags had something moving inside that made baby noises. Other than that, though, Rogers was a decent guy, and he had some of the best fucking kush I've ever smoked.

Mr. McFeely was pretty cool too, but the guy was a bit too hyper for his own good. I'm not going to directly say it, because I don't want him to sue me, but let's just say that his whole "Speedy delivery! Speedy delivery!" routine might have concentrated a little too heavily on the speedy part. That guy invited me and my then-wife over for cocktails, but when we showed up, all McFeely wanted to do was clean his shower. With a toothbrush.

And those two were just the humans that I met on the set. The puppets were much, much weirder.

Such as:

King Friday was completely unpredictable during my time at the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. He had apparently always been bipolar, but during my brief stint with the 'Hood, Friday had fallen into a deep depression and he'd started smoking opium on a fairly regular basis. They'd bring him on set in a nearly unconscious state, some of the interns would pour ice water on him, and he'd usually be good to go in a matter of 30 minutes or so. Sometimes he'd twitch, but it looks cute when puppets twitch on television. I never really got to know Friday, but I definitely wasn't surprised when I read in Variety that he had entered rehab. I was kinda shocked when I heard about his arrest in that Minneapolis airport men's room, though. But hey, like ol' Friday used to say whenever he was fucked up - a hole's a hole! Right?!

Daniel Tiger was a really nice kid, but he was quiet as hell. Kinda creepy actually, in a Haley Joel Osment sorta way. Daniel was also the only puppet under Mr. Rogers' employment who didn't have a mother or father puppet, which always made me suspicious that Mr. Rogers might have possibly kidnapped Daniel. I also found it odd that Daniel Tiger would start crying whenever Rogers would take off his shoes.

Lady Elaine Fairchilde was, without a doubt, the biggest drunk that I've ever worked with. That bitch would ask me to bring her a glass of vodka with ice, but then she'd complain that she "tasted water in the ice." One time I tried to explain to the ol' boozehound that all ice contained water, but in the middle of my explanation, Lady Elaine began to go down on me. Yeah, you read that right - she plunged my plush penis pole into her putrid piehole! Meanwhile, I kept talking about the difference between ice and water. I was in the middle of saying "ice is just water that is stiff and cold," when I felt a sharp pain in my crotch area - "OH SHIT, BITCH IS BITING MY PRICK!" I looked down to see Lady Elaine just chomping on my one-eyed monster! Seriously, blood was gushing like a crimson Old Faithful out of my beef bayonet! Needless to say, I violated my "never hurt female puppets" rule that day, first by pepper spraying Lady Elaine to get her to release her jaw from my Little Henry, and then by punching her in the face and shoving her head in between the gears underneath the Museum-Go-Round. Damn, that shit tore her head up! You make my head bleed, I make yours bleed, bitch. Anyway, Elaine recovered, and I think she's working for Fox News on a temporary basis now. She's a talented broad, but don't give her booze - and never let her suck it.

X The Owl was a deadbeat dad and a scumbag. On the show, he played a flaky and rather stupid owl. He even delivered his lines with that eyes-half-closed stoner look that guys like Garfield and Nate Dogg have made famous. In real life, though, while he was an owl (well, a puppet who was stitched to look like an owl), X was neither flaky nor stupid. In reality, X The Owl was a real go-getter who had spent time in the Skull And Bones society during his time at Yale, then graduated and moved to Boston, where he joined a company called Bain Capital and made millions through leveraged buyouts. X didn't even need to appear on "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" to begin with - every other puppet was doing it for the money, but X was already rich as hell. He only wanted to appear on "Neighborhood" because that was the only time that his kids got to see him - when he was on television. So he created the "cute simple owl" character so that his kids would love him despite the fact he was never home. That was great for his kids, I guess, but behind the scenes, I got to know the real X... and he was scary. Scary in the same way I bet a young artist named Adolph scared his friends when they started talking politics after a few glasses of German wine. See, drinking with X The Owl was always interesting, because he couldn't hold his liquor worth shit. Booze was like truth serum for ol' X. I remember drinking with him in a New Orleans bar in early 2006- it was one of the first bars in the Big Easy to be reopened after Katrina- and X The Owl was downing shot after shot of Herbsaint. "Last year, when I came here to shoot a Mardi Gras segment for Reading Rainbow," X The Owl said to me, slurring his words, "I realized just how easy it would be to blow up the levees." X was clearly drunk; he slurped on his glass of liquor like a lazy vampire sucks on a menstruating girl in a wheelchair. He continued: "One perfect storm on the way, one bomb to destroy the levees, and W would owe me for life! 'Cause I killed a bunch of black people, who my buddy W does NOT care about! So of COURSE I blew up the gawd-damn levees!" That was the last time I personally saw X, but I've heard he's been elected to some sort of office in Florida.

Cornflake S. Pecially, better known as "Corny" to viewers of the show, was a pretty odd dude. His gimmick on the show was that he ran a rocking chair factory in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, but the only thing that guy really made rock on the studio lot was his trailer. Seriously, what a fucking pervert! He was constantly getting visitors to his trailer in between takes, but these weren't normal puppet groupies. See, Corny was what is known as a "furry," which means he could only get off when people would dress up as cartoon animals. One time I walked into his trailer and he was dryhumping somebody dressed as Minnie Mouse. I was so curious I couldn't help myself, so I walked over and pulled the Minnie Mouse mask off the broad... and it was fucking Lambchop The Lamb! I was like, "damn, Corny, what the fuck did you need Lambchop to dress up as a mouse for... the bitch already looks like a furry animal, you sick fuck!" Oh man, did we have a good laugh.

I was fired a couple months later, after Mr. Rogers himself caught me attempting to steal tires from the trolley. I was drunk as fuck and Fred had caught me red-handed, with two tires already unscrewed from the trolley and me in the process of unscrewing a third. Rogers just stared at me- he never actually said a word- and I dropped my tools and ran.

I knew it was over.

My legs felt like they were going in slow motion as I ran down those streets of the Neighborhood.

Past the rocking chair factory, past the Museum-Go-Round, past the castle, and through the trolley tunnel that led me back to Mr. Rogers' house. And I ran right through his living room and out the front door.

And I didn't stop running until I passed out.

And in a lot of ways, I'm still running.

Currently watching:
Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood: What Do You Do with the Mad That You Feel?/Adventures in Friendship
Release date: 14 March, 2006

9:31 AM

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Friday, September 14, 2007

Text review of "Are We Done Yet?"
Current mood:pissing on people in public
Category: Blogging

Today we watched "Are We Done Yet." Or, as I like to call it, "The Money Pit" with melanin.

"Are We Done Yet" is a movie starring Ice Cube, who I was shocked to learn is an African American gentleman and not a square made of frozen water, and some asshole children and a bunch of other people you don't give a fucking shit about.

Ironically, "Are We Done Yet" is also the title of a poem my ex-wife wrote about our sex life, but her poem included phrases like "limp dick" and "half a man" and I didn't notice language like that in the movie's dialogue.

Anyway, in the movie, Ice Cube buys a house that needs a lot of fixing up, but he has no idea how much fixing up it will require. And then he gets hurt a lot and the kids laugh at his pain! Ha ha ha! Because pain is funny, especially when it happens to step-dad! I once fashioned a condom out of a sword and sodomized my step dad, and boy, did we ever laugh! Giggles!

That's pretty much all I remember about "Are We Done Yet." I passed out drunk at about the halfway point and I ended up choking on my own vomit. A Mexican maid woke me up and scooped the vomit out of my throat. According to the Mexican maid, "Are We There Yet" had a happy ending. But then again, the same Mexican maid also admitted that she finds a guy in a lobster costume nuzzling his face against a model's breasts on Univision to be "hilarious, highbrow comedy for smart people," so I'm not sure if I trust her opinion.

I give "Are We Done Yet" ten cans of beer out of ten - you drink any less than that and you'll hate it. And that's the lowest review I could possibly give, which means this movie is a complete piece of bullcrap. I would rather eat slices of cactus and then shit them out in a bloody, thorny mess of plant and anal tissue, than EVER watch this movie again.

It stunk, I hated it, and if your kids liked it, I hope they get kidnapped and molested by Richard Allen Davis.

Fuck off, assholes.

Currently watching:
The Lost Weekend
Release date: 06 February, 2001

6:37 AM

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Monday, September 10, 2007

VIDEO REVIEW: "The Nanny Diaries"
Current mood:

nauseated
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Currently listening:
I Think I’ll Just Stay Here and Drink
By Merle Haggard
Release date: 01 January, 1995

2:23 AM

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Saturday, September 01, 2007

Reason I hate Sesame Street: My first meeting
Current mood:

drunk
Category: Blogging

In 1969, I stumbled into a dive bar in New York City and happened to meet Matt Robinson, who went on to fame as the original Gordon on "Sesame Street" (there have been multiple Gordons). He was quite trashed, as was I, and we hit it off after several shots of Hennessy.

"I'm going to be the king of children's television," Original Gordon drunkenly boasted. "I'm one of the only humans on a show full of puppets... and I'm one of the fucking producers! YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER! HELL FUCKING YEAH!"

I didn't care for his coarse language, but I smelled opportunity as it crapped on my doorstep.

"Sir," I began, verbally licking Original Gordon's anus, "do you have any other roles for puppets on this 'Sesame' show that you speak of? Because I'm a puppet and I love children."

Before Original Gordon could answer, the bar door swung open and the jukebox scratched to a halt.

Another puppet had walked in.

And the puppet's name? Roosevelt Franklin.

Roosevelt immediately began playing the race card.

"How you gonna hire the white?", he asked Original Gordon, "that shit isn't right, he don't know our plight, his shit isn't tight, he's not all that bright, so please don't invite, him to the Sesame site."

Original Gordon smiled at Roosevelt Franklin, enjoying his rhyme. He then turned to me.

"Hey man," Original Gordon said. "I dig your style, but we're going with another puppet for the show. But thanks, man, and I'll consider you for future projects."

I'm not proud of what I said after that. I went on a bit of a rant; not quite on a Kramer level, but politically incorrect nonetheless. I used the word "jive" to describe how Roosevelt Franklin had been speaking. I'm not proud of it, but I said it. I used the word "jive," and I can admit that.

"YOU ONLY HIRED ROOSEVELT BECAUSE HE CAN SPEAK LIKE A JIVE TURKEY, ORIGINAL GORDON! HE'S JIVE, JIVE, JIVE!"

Original Gordon and Roosevelt Franklin both stared at me for a moment... and then they both started laughing hysterically. I hadn't expected that. Humiliated, I shrank back in shame, hoping that the shadows of the bar's neon lights would cover me, but they didn't. Gordon and Roosevelt pointed at me and laughed at me and there wasn't a gawd-damn thing I could do about it.

After what seemed like an eternity, a limousine pulled to the front of the bar and the driver honked the horn four times. Original Gordon and Roosevelt Franklin both got up, walked out of the bar and climbed into the limo. As their vehicle drove away, Roosevelt rolled down the back window of the limo and let out a shout:

"FUCK YOU, HENRY... PECKERWOOD!"

That hurt.

A lot.

Currently watching:
Leaving Las Vegas
Release date: 01 January, 2000

9:10 AM

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Thursday, August 30, 2007

Lamb Chop
Current mood:

drunk
Category: Blogging

Remember Lamb Chop? After PBS cancelled "Lamb Chop's Play-Along," she developed quite a little alcohol problem. I was at party at Hush Puppy's doghouse in 1998, drunk as fuck off the green fairy, and I went to use the pisser. The sight that greeted me more closely resembled a puppet crime scene than a restroom. The toilet was overflowing with what looked like a mixture of fecal matter and vomit, Lamb Chop was unconscious on top of the toilet, and there was an unsnorted line of coke on the sink counter. I'll tell you the full story at a later date, but long story short? Shari Lewis isn't the only one who's shoved her hand up Lamb Chop's lifeless asshole.