i had a dream last night.. that a guy kept coming to my house every night to rob me. sometimes he'd hit me, sometimes he'd tie me up. eventually he raped me. i woke up from the dream and the dream continued when i fell back asleep. the robber had somehow fallen for me.. kidnapped me and repeatedly apologized to me and told me how much he loved me.

it was a disturbing dream.

its been a little strange that 2 people that i've hung out with all summer have suddenly left.. i understand the reasoning of one person.. the other.. i guess i'll never know. it just makes me appreciate those who are around now more.. because i'll never know when or if they decide to leave as well. i like change, but not those kinds of changes. i hate when people leave. i love all my friends.. even the annoying ones or wanna-be's or meanies or goodie-two-shoes.



i was happy today when my dad asked me, "are you going anywhere tonight? are your friends coming over tonight? i can make them an extra steak."

he's been more accepting and nicer to my friends =] lots of them having been coming over lately.. staying the night or hanging out.


when i was playing guitar hero i noticed the side of my bum had a fresh mosquito bite.. very very big and itchy. a few minutes later my mom says, "omg there's a huge weird bug next to you! i hope that's not what bit you!!" she puts it in a napkin but doesn't kill it. i look at the bug and its an extremely overweight mosquito that can't fly..

i'm still itchy.


i've been upgrading my computer and my mom's computer.

i thought i installed the power supply wrong and i was checking and re-checking everything.. i got tired, gave up, and went to bed.

i went to look at it today.. my mom unplugged the power surge.

so i'm starting grad school tomorrow.. i'm excited and nervous, happy and depressed!  i'm getting my master's in psychology and i'm applying for a sub-plan called Applied Cognitive Psychology.. if you want to know more about it you can read this - http://coursesite.uhcl.edu/hsh/PeresSC/ACP-Application.pdf  the front two pages describes what it is and what i can end up doing.

overall i'm pretty satisfied with this summer.. made some friends and lost some friends.  i've learned alot and grown alot this summer.  i've gotten back in better touch with my old best friends also.  i guess overall i feel better.  i got to do a little bit of travelling and hanging with the parts of family i hardly see.    now i'm going to be working super hard and be super busy with school.. but i'll have lots of good memories to keep me going =]  thanks everyone.. you know who you are!

so i was looking at my old xangas.. since 2002 all the way til 2006.  i have some pretty funny stuff in there and a lot of things that i've forgotten.  i should probably start blogging again.  there's a lot of little things that's been going on in my life which would make a pretty good little soap opera blog lol.  hmm should i write here? my blogger or deviantart?  this myspace is pretty private i guess since only friends can read.

so school started and i'm taking 15 hours.. 2 classes are sculpture and ceramics.. they're mon/wed and tues/thurs at 830am and 9am.  i'm not really used to waking up that early but i don't mind too much for those classes because i'm having a blast! makes me wish i'd done a minor in art.

my grandmother passed away.  my mother went up for the funeral and stuff for a week.  i realized i don't know what i'd do without my mother.  she's the only one who's really been here for me and for me to talk to.  i understand that alot of it has to do with the fact that i have my hermit phases, and i don't expect anyone to keep trying to keep in touch with me when i don't do so in return during those times.  during those times the only people i really talk to is my mom or my boyfriend if i have one.  i've always been one to listen to other people's problems, give advice, and be there for them unconditionally.. but when i have problems i don't turn to anyone.. except maybe to vent here and there.

i'm probably going to end up to be one of those old crazy lonely ladies with a house full of pets.

So i'm racing home late at night down the empty, orange lit toll/freeway.  the radio is off and all i hear is the sound of the hard wind against my car.  the cool warm air from the AC softly blow against my cheek.  my hair feels cold as i run my fingers through it.  i suddenly feel a sharp pain from an old scar on my wrist, where once a kitchen knife pierced through my skin several years ago.  self destruction.  the scar is only 1/4 of what it used to be.  i start to think about the things that has happened since early this year, since i returned from canada and new york.. of which seemed like the entire vacation was a mere dream.


i begin to feel bad for those who i've been cutting off over the past week or two.  people call or want to hang out but i just can't for some reason.  i don't want them to feel bad.  it's not anyone, it's me.  by now i should be used to all of this drama crap.

a week and a half ago, my best friend who i had while i was in highschool passed away.  he did a lot for me.  he even did creepy sweet things that i found out he did for me years after he had done them.  when i was in really bad situations (which were frequent around that time of my life), he'd watch out for me and make sure nothing happened to me.  we hung out everyday and he made me feel good about myself.  he could make me laugh til i cried..

and then i had the dream a few mornings ago.. a week after i found out about his death..

in my dream, i saw him and i said hi and gave him a hug and the usual greeting.  we were at a festival.  we began walking and as i looked over at him, a weird feeling came over me.  then it hit me.. tran passed away.. how is he walking and talking with me? i kept staring at him and double, triple, quadruple looking and trying to find anything wrong about his features to prove that it wasn't him.. but soon there was no doubt about it that it was him.  and then i realized.. omg.. he doesn't know he's not alive.. i kept myself together and thought that i might as well spend some time with him since its been a while.. and then tell him later.  we hung out at the festival and joked around and made fun of people.  i held his arm as we walked and he mentioned something about hoping another girl doesn't see, which was always like him.  pretty soon, i knew i was about to wake up in a few moments.  so i grabbed him to the side and hugged him.  i tried to tell him as i held him close.  he became angry and didn't want to hear anymore.  he didn't believe me.. i was in tears.. i sighed and closed my eyes for a minute, but when i opened them, i was holding a little girl i'd never seen before.. i looked down at her and thought to myself, he ran away.  then i woke up.

i know this was more than a dream.  and so would anyone else who knows me well enough.  i just hope he visits me again.. i still feel like i never properly thanked him for everything he's done for me.  i'll keep you updated if you're interested.. comments are very welcome.

so i spent my birthday [dec 20] in toronto
my mom and her mom came from niagra falls, ny to pick me up and bring me back for xmas.
we got to the border and we were bombarded with questions.  the border patrol didn't believe and neither of us were related - me being very asian looking, my mom half american indian and half french, and her mom being full blooded american indian.  the guy checked our car and then told us to pull over for further investigation.
we pull over and get out of the car.  i turn around just in time to hear my grandmother scream and trip on the curb and fly a few feet before landing on the pavement.  she was in pain and couldn't move. soon about 10 border patrols are surrounding us.  one light skinned black guy starts laughing hysterically.  he asks me with a huge smile on his face, "how did she fall? you didnt see the whole thing? she just fell??"  obviously they all thought she was faking the whole thing to get out of investigation.  they called for a medic who then called for an ambulance.  she gets sent to the hospital while we're still stuck there being questioned.
a drug dog sniffs our rental car twice.  they want to know what we were doing in canada,  why we have a rental, our birth certificates, my mom's occupation, what university she's going to, what she's studying, etc.
and then the retard comes up to me and says, "what's the first three digits of your social security?" i answer.. then he asks me, "do you know what a united states passport is??" i'm like umm yeah i have one.
more stupid questions all the while we're just wondering what the hell is going on at the hospital? is she okay? i hear a guy in the background talking about us saying, "something just ain't right." what ain't right is your goddamn intuition you idiot.
forty-five minutes later they decide to let us go.  we have no idea where the hospital is and we get about 3 different directions from different patrols.
we get to the hospital and find out that the border had just called checking on her status.  most likely to see if she was faking it or not.  well my grandmother broke her hip and didn't have the surgery til a few days later due to a fever and further testing.  the hospital was horrible and creepy.  we spent xmas in her room opening presents there, but she could hardly stay awake. now she's in rehab and we're not sure when she'll be released.

we're getting a lawyer.

if anyone can do the guitar and the guy part for me, i'd love to sing my own version..






Led to the river
Midsummer I wave
A "V" of black swans
On with hope to the grave
And through Red September
With skies fire-paved
I begged you appear
Like a thorn for the holy ones

Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I faced, when you left me
A rose in the rain...
So I swore to the razor
That never, enchained
Would your dark nails of faith
Be pushed through my veins again

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above unto me?
For once upon a time
From the binds of your lowliness
I could always find
The right slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart that barless prison
Discolours all with tunnel vision
Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine
Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampiric addiction
To her alone in full submission
None better...
Nymphetamine

Nymphetamine, nymphetamine
Nymphetamine girl
Nymphetamine, nymphetamine
My nymphetamine girl

Wracked with your charm
I'm circled like prey
Back in the forest
Where whispers persuade
More sugar trails
More white lady laid
Than pillars of salt

fall into my arms
Hold their mesmeric sway
And dance out to the moon
As we did in those golden days

Christening stars
I remember the way
We were needle and spoon
Mislaid in the burning hay