Well alot has changed for me in these short days of the new year. I don't know if all is for the best but hey we got to try it before we can judge. I moved to Monticello with my best friend Jessica. I love her dearly.  I am now single. It is kind of strange. I really haven't been single since I have been like 14 yrs old. I was with one guy for like 10 yrs and then my just recent ex for like 4 yrs on and off. We are so done now it ain't even funny. It is odd at first I missed him dearly but now he is just like a faded memory. Don't get me wrong sometimes I still wonder if he thinks about me and if he still loves me. I have to say I loved him but not in love with him anymore. Well enough about .. well wait what's his name. LOL anyways I also changed jobs. I know scary move there. I don't know if I did the right thing. I no longer work for Wal-Mart. I had worked there for like 7 yrs. I gave that up to go to a factory. It is ok there. I work with a bunch of guys. So go figure how they are. It is heavy and dirty work but it is ok. I am catching on really fast as I have been told. I did it cause I need to be with my daughter more. I am so much closer with my daughter and family and friends and I love it. I don't know what I would do without my friends. I love you all so much. YOu all have helped me through my trouble times. I have the bestest friends of all.  Now peeps I am just out to live life and have fun. True love will come my way one day. I just need to stop going out hunting for it. I am a great person and one day I will meet a great guy and we will have a happy family. I just have to give it time and find myself again. I am better then what SOME People think. FUck you all from Alexandria. I am so better then you ever know. LOL Well anyways got to go .. Peace, love, and Happiness to you all.

so yeah right now it feels like my life is going to hell. Just a week ago to today my boyfriend an I of four years broke up. I loved him with my whole heart. I really did. I know we had a lot of problems in the past an we where both trying to get over them. I really dont know where it all went wrong at. I love him an miss him deeply. My world has been turned upside down since he left. I haven't been able to work, eat, sleep, or anything. For anyone that truly knows me giving up work is a big thing for me. I loved him with everything I had. I guess that wasn't good enough for him. I lost everything now he is gone. I gave up so much to move there. I really did. Now I have nothing. I keep looking back an wonder how this all happened to me. My friends keep telling me things happen for a reason. I really dont see the reason here. I swear I don't. I would do anything to get back what we had.  I don't know what the new year is going to bring. Hopefully for once happiness. So I am moving to Monticello with my best pal friend Jessica. Where I am going to work I still don't know. I have no clue about anything. I am heartbroken. I have never felt this way before. It hurts really bad. I just need to find me again.

Hey everyone! Not alot going on in my life right now except I work all the time. Just been bar hopping with my good old friends. Thanks Nate for a really good time the other night. It was so cool running into old class mates again. I have had some fun times with my pal becky. It has been great. I had a great time. I hope we can do it again sometime. I am kind of sad. I miss all my friends from monticello. It sucks I never get to see them anymore. I really need to make time for you all. I love and miss everyone of you. Other then that life is just the same old thing as usual.

Yesterday marked awhole year that my grandma has been up in heaven. I love and miss you so much it isn't funny. Not one day goes by I don't think of you and wish you were still here. I would give anything in this world to spend just one more day with you. I love you and I can't wait until I get to see you again. Hugs and Kisses to the best grandma in the whole wide world.

 

Hey everyone sorry i haven't left anything for awhile. Just a run down what has been going on in my life. Well I am single again. Go figure on that. It is all good. My best friend Price has left me. He moved to Arizona. I am going to miss you buddy. I would like to thank you for the best neon catcus night ever. Man that was such a blast. I had never laughed so hard. Wow I would die for those pics that gill took. I am going to miss shane and his pole dancing. LOL And his standing at the end of the floor dancing with people. Wow what a night. I have been  talking to my old school friends  again it is great. I have missed them. It is nice catching up with things going on in our lifes. I love you all. I met this really cool guy the other day. He is so cute and smells so good but the bad thing is he leaves in a week for washington so go figure. Work is going ok. Alot to do as usual and never enough time. OH yeah my daughter lost her first tooth. She is so happy about it. Well everyone that is just some of the crazy drama going on in my life. I got to jet.

later

This weekend was one of the best weekends I have had in awhile. I got to spend time with my best friend,jessica, my boyfriend, and my daughter. It was great cause I have been working so much and I haven't really got to spend anytime with any of those guys. I went camping for the first time with those guys. It was really nice. I had a really good time. We spent most of saturday out on the water. That was really nice. Got a pretty nice little tan going on. My daughter is getting alot better at swimming. I am so proud of her. Then Jeff and I got to spend time alone friday night on the beach. It was great. We got our freak on and it was so romantic. Everything I thought it really would be. I love him so so much. Then saturday my daughter went to my dad's house for the night and jeff and I got to spend time together alone. I felt so bad for him cause he got sunburnt really bad. It was great we made a little road trip to knox for some taco bell and on the way back i got pulled over. I always get pulled over for the dumbest shit. This time the reason was that my light above my liscence plate was out. Too funny. Then jeff and I layed down and watched a movie it was so great laying in his arms again. I have missed that so much. Sunday I got to hang out with him for awhile and then I took cheyenne and my little newphew and niece to see the movie Cars. It was pretty good. Now i am sitting here missing my love bug. LOL Well That is how my weekend went and now monday back to work for the next 9 days. Fun fun. I am so excited.

Today is my grams birthday. The sad part is she is not here with us to help her party it up. I miss her alot. I know it hasn't been that long since she has been gone but damn it seems like forever since I have seen her face or held her hand. NOt a day goes by I don't think about her and wishin she was here for me to kick it on the front porch with. Those were some great times we had grams. I miss you and I love you. well my grams loved this peom so this is for you grams:

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered and he questioned the LORD about it. "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I need you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that i carried you."

 

Today has been a pretty good day. I am doing so much better then I was yesterday. I am actually in a really good mood. Kind of odd with all the drama I have been going threw with my love life. Or should I say my non-love life now.lol Today my daughter woke up and gave me her mother's day gift she made at school. It was so cute. They took and traced there hands and then glued them to make them look like flower tops and put pipe cleaners as the stems. It was so cute. She also made me a card. I really needed it. I love her so much. I really don't know what I would do without her.

I have been working back at my old store in Monticello the past couple days. I am loving that. I really need it. I loved being with my friends on Friday. They really help me threw a pretty tuff time. You girls know who you are. Thanks a million. I couldn't be so strong without you. I miss all the people there so much. I have made some really really good friends there. Today was a mad house at the store. Everyone in getting there mothers day gift. I got to work this table for awhile where the kids could come and an take a plastic bowl we provide for them and decorate it and then we took soil and put in a flower they picked out. It was so cool. I love doing that kind of stuff. I love working with kids. I sometimes think I should of been a teacher. All of them had stories to tell about there mom. It was great just listening to them. Everyone made me fell good today. I swear everyone I seen today goes looks like you are losing weight. That made me feel so good. I don't think I have. I have weighed myself and it doesn't show but who knows. but who cares they think I am. It just made me fell on top of the world cause the people who know me well knows I always worry about that shit. The only thing it bugged me about my outfit today was I had a couple of my friends come up to me and say that my shirt really made my boobs stand out more. LIke I need help with that. Damn I can't believe how much shit I am just rambling on about. Sorry y'all just in a good mood today. I am so proud of myself because I have kept a promise with myself I can't tell you on here but those who know me know it  already. I hope I can keep doing it. It has been hard but I will.

 

 can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That dont bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
Im not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend Im ok
But thats not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin to do

Its hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But Im doin It
Its hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and Im alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
Thats what I was trying to do

 

these words so describe how I am feeling right now. I have lost probably the best lover I will ever have. I am not saying it was totally all my fault but most of it was. I guess I am just going to have to walk away sadden and heartbroke. It hurts real bad but you can't make someone love you and want to stay with you. I have realize that. I can't stop living either. I will always have a very special place in my heart for him and he will always have my whole heart but it just wasn't ment for us to be together as a couple forever.

I know i haven't posted anything on here in a long time. Not like anyone probably reads this anyways. I really haven't had to much time actually. Just a little run down on what has been happening.  Last week I went to Michigan for my Leadership class for work. I passed the test I was so stressing about. I am glad I am so done with that now. It was a good time there. Met alot of people there and it was great. I got to go swimming. With my new swim suit.. LOL I looked hot in it. Terri could tell you. LOL Had  to pay out like almost $600 dollars to get my car fixed. I swear I have no luck with cars. I just give up on that for sure. Then when I was in Michigan I drop my phone in the water and was without a phone for like two days. I really thought I was going to die. I bet verizon liked it though. Work has really sucked this week. I have been stuck doing remodel. Not the most funnest job in the world. It is some hard ass work. I am suppose to find out tomorrow what store I am going to be going to for work. I can't wait. It will be so nice not to have to drive so far everyday.

Life is so damn confusing lately. Sometimes I think I am just meant to be single and lonely all my life. I guess I am pretty cool with that. I have a great guy right now that I love dearly but all we do is fight and I know mostly it is my fault. Maybe I am to picky and all. I don't know being by myself might be best in the long run. I won't end up hurting anyone and they won't end up hurting me. I have thought about this alot lately. I have seen tons of people that are older and have never been married or anything. They seem to be fine with that. I wonder if I would be fine with that? I use to always dream of getting married and living the little happy life we all wish for but some dreams are just better left as that. I have a wonderful daughter and I can enjoy that great aspect of my life. So i really don't know what I want anymore on that subject. It is so weird I know some people that would die to have a guy like mine. I know i don't treat him the best sometimes. He deserves so much better and i should give that to him. I can't for some reason. I just don't know. well getting off here now.

~~LOVE~~~

What a many powerful thing it is. I don't know, it is crazy it seems like when I love a guy and start to get close to them I push them away. I really don't know why I do it and I never really want to do it.  I have all these ideas of the perfect person I want to marry and stuff. My standards aren't totally high and out of reach. It just seems like when I think I have found the right person there is always one major flaw or something that I can't get over about them. Maybe I just hold on to things to much or for some reason have such a hard time getting over certain things. I just really want to fall in love and marry someone that is totally honest and trust worthy. Those seem like hard qualities to find in a guy anymore.  Oh well shit happens and maybe life will surpise me and I will just get the guy who can be all that.

Well sorry about that just something on my mind today. NOthing new has been going on for all that knows me well. Just chilling with my cool work buddies talking about anal sex and having sex while ragging .. Got to love the good break room converstations. well got to get ready for work.

later