I don't mind where you come from As long as you come to me I don't like illusions I can't see Them clearly I don't care no I wouldn't dare To fix the twist in you You've shown me eventually What you'll do I don't mind...I don't care...
As long as you're here Go ahead tell me you'll leave again You'll just come back running Holding your scarred heart in hand It's all the same And I'll take you for who you are If you take me for everything Do it all over again It's all the same
Hours slide and days go by Till you decide to come And in between it always seems too long All of a sudden And I have the skill, yeah I have the will
To breathe you in while I can However long you stay Is all that I am I don't mind...I don't care...As long as you're here Go ahead tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running Holding your scarred heart in hand It's all the same And I'll take you for who you are If you take me for everything Do it all over again It's always the same Wrong or right Black or white If I close my eyes
It's all the same In my life The compromise I close my eyes It's all the same Go ahead say it you're leaving You'll just come back running Holding your scarred heart in hand It's all the same And I'll take you for who you are If you take me for everything Do it all over again It's all the same

sometimes i feel stupid for the things i write on here. i post blogs, on a diary thinggy or whatever, so no one can see them but me. so why write on line? other times i just feel stupid cause it wasn't worth writing about. and others i just want to write to be writing, even if it's just ranting, bitching, or just...writing. dunno. just a thought

ok guys.....rules about the phone......free mins after 8......don't call during the day so much unless it's REEEALLLYYYY important....cause the bill keeps gettin higher, and since i can barley help to pay it.....PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME by not calling so much during the day. Text allll you want, its unlimited...but mins are limited....sorry!!! but thanks

       Vacation.  Family.  Friends.  Everything was amazing and perfect, until I saw MY family.  Don't get me wrong, I always have a good time and all, it's just so painful sometimes, to sit and hear things people say you know they don't want you to hear, or when they begin a conversation about something YOU don't want to hear.  When I went to see my mother, I was happy I got to see her.  Very happy of course.  She's my mother.  I can read her like a book, just like she can do the same with me.  I hate that.  Because I can see and fell her pain she has.  She worries.  A lot.  One of the days we were down there, she started asking me how I was feeling lately, and I told her what had been going on and such.  Devin was on the couch beside me.  I didn't really go into crazy amounts of detail or anything, I just told her about my kidneys and stuff.  She then reminded me of childhood.  And told Devin my history of my failed body function.  "Ever since that baby was 2 months old, till the time she was 6 years old, the hospital was all she knew. Not one of the 12 (or so) doctors could figure out what was wrong with her.  They always said '..if she can make it to ten years old, she'd be in good shape..'"  When I was a kid, I didn't know what the hell that meant.  And when she told me that, life hit me in the head.  I could've died.  I should've died.  Then the more and more we were there the more I thought about so many things. My sister especially. She still hasn't realized how the path she so chooses is going to kill her.  She's 20 years old.  She'll be 21 the 26 of June.  I'm starting to get scared she won't make it to 22.  She won't listen, she lies about everything she does, and no one can help her because she doesn't want help.  Nothing I can do.  And it KILLS me that I can't be there for her. I'm about 220 miles away from all of them.  What can I do? Nothing.  Except sit here and watch her destroy herself.  When I WAS there, she seemed happy and fine.  But I'm not dumb, you know?  I can see right through her lies.

            The day we left, I had stayed the night with my aunt. We left to my mom's house from there.  And when we got there, mom was cooking friend chicken.  Lol.  I love my mom's fried chicken.  We stayed there for about an hour just talking and listening.  Everyone who knows my mother knows she is goofy.  She's a blast.  So we goofed off for a bit just talking and such, and then Step David came home and we joked around with him a bit too.  Kristen, the little girl across the street came in, 10 years old, and has bigger boobs than my sister.  Well, she and her mother comes in with a notice that she'd been written up on the school bus for hopping seats twice, and calling 3 girls white trash.  She was proud apparently of her accomplishment.  My mother sat there waiting for her explanation for her trouble making, which she only said it was because the girls called her a bitch.  Her dad said "oh well I can deal with the 'white trash' comment, but the bus seats?" That shocked me.  I thought to myself, I have NEVER seen a child act like that before. And her father just lets her do it?  These kids are young, and they act worse than I ever did. My mom, sat there and told her she was disappointed.  I didn't blame her.  But the whole time she was talking to Kristen, I just kept remembering when I was a kid, and the things that happened when my parents were still married. Some bad, but some good too.

            Well, when Devin and I left?  All I could think about was watching my mom cry because I was leaving.  I normally don't get upset when I leave.  I don't.  It just doesn't happen.  But I started to cry when she covered her face pretending like nothing was happening.  I haven't ever seen her get like that.  I mean, yeah, she cries when I leave, but this time it made me feel different.  We walked out the front door, and got in the car, and there was my mother, at the door, waving and watching me with tears in her eyes.  She then did something we haven't done since I still lived with her on ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Waterworks Rd.  We made a secret handshake a long time ago.  And she started to do it where I could see her, through the glass.  I opened my car door with a smile on my face, and did it back.  It was our thing.  Our little secret thing.  When Devin drove away, I couldn't help but to just stare out of my window, and watch home pass me by.  I couldn't help but to cry.  He kept asking me if I was ok, and I said yes.  I mean, yeah I was ok, I just hate leaving my family.  I want to go home.  They are home.  Why can't I be?  I would have to leave so much behind, and I couldn't leave Devin behind like he meant nothing either.  But sometimes, I just think that maybe if I were with them, things would be better.  They would be happy, those kids wouldn't be smart mouthed brats, things around the house would be easier, and bills could be paid with less worry.  I don't know.  I just miss home.  I miss home.

  

a piece of history rest in the palm of my hands, and i feel like i have been waiting on something such as this to come my way.  940 dollars wasted on a girl.  a 9 year old piece of metal and a green marble piece of plastic.  All fit into one.  I feel like i have to abuse such a privlage, or the talkent that has been brought from it will go to waste.  I thank you for everything.  I thank you for being here.  I thank you for what you've done.  and who you've been to me.  Thanks for life.  For memories.  For friendship.  for tears.  for music.  for art.  for everything

here lately, i find things to be better, but then other things to be worse.  I find that hope for school is slowly deteriorating and my dreams are sinking below level.  I don't know how to fix it, or make it go away.  But the things that are not so bad tend to be full of exaggerations and lies.  Maybe that's what i'm doing to myself.  Lying to make myself believe in me.  Why can't i just give up, or why can't i just FOR ONCE get what i need to do right the first time.  It takes so much time and so many days to realize what happens.  And what has been happening.  Please make it stop.

i fucking HATE liars, and i hate when people say they trust you and really don't.

So, gots me a new tatto on the first of August.  Hurt like a SON OF A BITCH!  Rib piece.  4 stars...well.....more like the ouside shading of stars.  The actual stars are flesh colored.  But there is one for mom, one for dad, one for Devan, and one for me.  My family means the world to me. Even if they don't talk to me much or come around.  They are still mine.

 

But if you think you are a hardass, go get a rib piece.  Then tell me how hard you are.  GAH it was pain.  lol.  But hey, if i can do it? So can the rest of the world.  <3333

"Did you wait till i got off the internet, to make sure i wasn't doing anything bad?"

You completly tell on yourself.  Wtf?

It's shit like that that makes me want to say yes, because you talk to ppl, then don't talk to them when i come around, and make sure you exit the chat messenger before you close the other window so i can't see what you were writing.  If you don't have anything to hide, then why are you still hiding it...And before you get all mad about it, yes, this is how I feel.  Yes, it makes me mad, and yes it kills me.

 

You always say you can't get mad about how i feel.  I guarentee you will get angry.  It's just pointless to hide things like that.

so i am pretty tired if being at work already....tired of being busy,,,wish i had a different day off, and wish i was back in college already.