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Open Your Eyes

Kaci Van Meter


Last Updated: 11/26/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: Single
Age: 19
Sign: Virgo

State: Texas
Country: US
Signup Date: 7/15/2007

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Saturday, October 24, 2009 
Forgiveness is a subject often talked about, often thought about but rarely ever acted upon. We hold all of this anger all of this hate against someone for perhaps only something small something irrational or something that changed our lives for the worst. We hold it in and it consumes us. It warps our sense of being, it changes who we are and how we act. So when do we decide it's time to forgive? It's time to let the hurt go and let the love in?
I found myself writing about this in my journal a few days ago and I forgave people. I let it all go and began something new. I would like to share this all with you, it has changed me. It has bettered me.

  " I can't spend all of my life pondering the unknown. I can't waste anymore time pretending that part of you is still here. I lost you a long time ago and I don't think I'm ever really going to get you back. But that's okay, at least I had you at one point. I will never in my life forget the wonderful things that I shared with you but it seems that the bad overcomes the good most of the time. It broke me, it hurt me, it tortured me. It still does, to see you act this way. To have you say these things to me. But, it's okay. It will only make me stronger, it will only improve who I am to be in the future, it will ultimately make my life better. So, thank you for that. I forgive you for tearing me down, for lack of a better word mentally fucking me up and making me lose the one thing everyone should have. I forgive you. I still love you, I'm here.
    I miss you. I miss talking to you and feeling whole, feeling like nothing could harm me. What a childish thought that was. There's always going to be something out there that is going to hurt me. I'm not blaming you, I never did. I know that this world can break you, I know that you were hurting and I know that you were so completely broken. I just want you to know that you still meant something, you meant so much. Your life was important. I hope you know this. You changed me. Hopefully you are happier now wherever it is that you are. I don't blame myself either. I. Don't. Blame. Myself. I tried with everything that I had to help you, to save you. In the end it was up to you and I just wasn't strong enough to change your mind. You weren't happy, you didn't feel alive, so you left. For the longest time I wish I could have left you but I'm kind of happy that I didn't. I would have missed some good opportunities.
    God, I'm not exactly sure how I feel about you. There has always been so many reasons for me to not believe in you at all. Where were you all the times that I needed you? But, you know what? I think you may have found me and I might just be finding you. Lately there have been so many beautiful people placed in my life for such wonderful reasons. People who I have unknowingly been searching for all my life. Perhaps I have always been found and I just didn't realize it."

  I know this may not seem like a lot but it means the world. To finally let go of years or months or even just weeks of built up pain and anger and fear is one of the most reasuring, relieving things that have ever happened to me. I hope that you can find it in your heart to just let go. To just forgive, and it may take some time. Just work on it, you'll get there and you will feel so alive. I'm here for you all the way.

-Kaci
2:30 AM 
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Friday, October 09, 2009 
What are your fears?
Your nightmares?
Your dreams?
Your hopes?
Your aspirations?
What makes you happy?
Makes you confussed?
..Makes you whole?
Makes you hurt?
Where are you in this story?
Who are you in this story?
Who do you want to be?
7:31 PM 
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Sunday, September 27, 2009 
as you lay your head down tonight that tomorrow can be better, tomorrow will be better.
Know that when you are asleep you are on someones mind, someone loves you.
Know that it does not matter who you are or what you have done, someone loves you for you.
Don't give up when your head hits the pillow, instead make it a begining.
When you wake up tomorrow breathe fresh air, open the curtains and soak up the sun.
Tell everyone around you that you love them, forget all past arguments, let it all slip away from your weary heart and let it regain security and awareness. Don't hold grudges, you never know when someone might be gone for good.
Step out side, let the sun warm your skin, the wind cirle your body, let your eyes become aware of all that surrounds you, all the simple the things.
Or let the rain slap against your body beating all past sorrows out of you, let it reawaken you. Just don't step into the darkness and let it consume you.
Because no matter how bad you've got it, now matter what you have done there will be a streetlight waiting to be found by you. Follow that light no matter what, don't fall out, don't give up because the closer you get to that light the better things will get, you'll get there it'll just take time. Don't you worry, there's still time. There's always time,  and the light wont go away, you may percieve it that way, but it is never truly gone. It's always there; waiting.
Something has happened to break you, something terrible that you hide so far in the back of your mind. Something has taken your hope away, something has take the one thing you had to hold onto. We are all broken, this has happened to so many and will happen to so many. You're not alone in any way shape or form. There's a whole community, a whole world that is waiting to embrace you in their loving arms.
You are beautiful, you are intelligent, you are gifted, you are loved, you are alive.
You will be so great some day, you can do whatever it is you want to do, whatever it is your heart was made to do. People may cut you down, may degrade and push you down with words full of anger, full of hate. Be the bigger person, teach them what it is to fight with love. Teach them to create not destroy. Be the bigger and better part of this story.

-Kaci
5:35 AM 
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Thursday, September 03, 2009 
Recently the site godhatesfags.com has been brought to my attention by Jimmy Elliot, the founder of HOW.
I had heard of some of the things that they do but I had not seen the site itself. I went to the website and nothing would come up so I decided to do some heavy duty research. I expected certain things but in no way did I expect what I found. It kills me, just rots me to the core to read about the type of things these human beings are doing. I began to literally shake with anger, tears rolling down my face as I read, "The group came into the national spotlight in 1998, when they were featured on CNN for picketing the funeral of Matthew Shepard, a young man from Wyoming who was beaten to death by two men because of his homosexuality. Westboro has protested at the funerals of people ranging from Fred Rogers to Coretta Scott King to Jerry Falwell."
I do believe that every individual has the right to speak about what they believe in but this, this is carrying it away, way away. Disrespectful, hateful, and just plain mortifying.
They have children wearing T-shirts that read "God hates fags" children holding signs that read "Death penalty for fags." Small, innocent children who do not yet know any different and are forced under the thumb of these inhumane protests, etc.
This honestly makes me sick to my stomach, it makes me question humanity in all. Is this what we are becoming? Are we going to let this be who we are? Or are we going to step up and make the change? We are going to be the voice for Matthew Shepard, we are going to be the voice for those who were not able to have one. It is not wrong to love someone of the same sex, it does not make you ill and it does not in any way make you any less valuable than anyone else in this world. You are beautiful, there's nothing wrong with you, you are you and I'm happy that you are. I love you for you, don't hide who you are, it's not worth it. Life is way too short. If at this moment you feel scared and alone and afraid I want to recommend that you tell someone. You don't have to if you're not comfortable but it would be a good thing. Open people's eyes to the fact that homosexuals are not bad they are human. Nothing is wrong with loving someone who is the same sex, NOTHING. God loves everyone. God does not hate someone because they love.


-Kaci
11:42 PM 
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Monday, August 17, 2009 
I was inspired by another myspace group called ALIVE to create something like this.


Sometimes:
I feel like I'm not who I am supposed to be, I wonder why I'm still here, I want to do it all again, I want to force up the regret and leave it to the sewer, I think of how much I've screwed up, how many people I have hurt, how many times I have cried and screamed, and sometimes I feel numb, sometimes I'm happy, scared, unsure, insecure, and sometimes I feel like it's not worth it.

Every day:
I wake up and just breathe, smile, cry, dream, hope, look up, fall down, pick myself back up, fight, overcome, lend a hand, realize, create, love, hate, wonder, ask myself what am I doing wrong and what am I doing right, struggle, remember, appreciate, think of how much I have, how much I am worth, think of everyone who loves me, think of everyone I love, reach as far as I can, hope to improve, grow, learn, change and hope to inspire.

Never:
Get over the past it's still a part of me, give up, not worry, feel sure, secure or achieved.

It's your turn.
Let it all out, we wont judge, no one will judge.
When you leave something make sure to say something to the person that left something before you, something encouraging.

-Love
Kaci
2:30 AM 
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Friday, July 31, 2009 
I was reading a friends blog (Your Favorite Enemies) when I stumbled upon one that read," 4 boys between the ages of 9 and 14 lured an 8 year old girl with chewing gum into an empty shed, and they raped her one after the other."
After I read the entire blog, I looked further into the case, I came to find the following,
"A 14-year-old boy is charged as an adult. The other boys -- ages 9, 10 and 13 -- are charged as juveniles. Authorities say the victim's family has rejected her for bringing shame on them."
Rejected their own daughter.
I went into shock after reading everything, then I became angry and overwhelmed with tears.
This little, baby girl will never be the same,
she will see the world in a completely different light,
she may never trust anyone again,
she may not even make it through her teenage years.
She will forever be haunted.
Innocence ripped away from an eight year old child.
An eight year old child with no family.
An eight year old child who did not in any way deserve this.
Needless to say this is heartbreaking,
everything about it is hearbreaking.
This is an issue that goes very unspoken most of the time.
It's time for us to be speak up.
It is time for us to be there for this little girl,
we can't let this keep happening.
In the year 2007 there were 248,300 victims to sexual assault.
Every two minutes someone in the US is sexually assaulted.
60% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police.
60%
Because they are scared of rejection,
this little girl was rejected by her very own family.
Because they thought they did something wrong,
this girl did nothing wrong.
It is now time for us to be strong and to fight against this,
we will be the voice for the ones who never had a chance to have a voice.
We will be the voice for those who have been a victim and are scared to admit what happened to them.
We will be the voice.
Nobody should be denied love and comfort,
no one should have to go through this.
So we will fight and we will scream.
We will try with everything we have to give hope to those who have struggled through this.
They deserved to be loved,
they deserve hope.
They deserve justice.

If you have any ideas on how we can all help in this situation, let us know.


"You're not alone,
there's more to this I know,
you can make it out,
you will live to tell."

-Kaci


Currently listening:
Saosin
By Saosin
Release date: 2006-09-26
3:05 AM 
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Wednesday, July 29, 2009 

Current mood:  blessed
that which cannot be put into words an cannot remain silent."
-Victor Hugo
I was skipping around a music site called pandora when I stumbled upon a song called
"Beautiful world" By Carolina Liar. The first verse struck me as an old memory.
"Here it comes in the morning
I’m just trying to forget
Keep it real, keep it simple
And somehow just get out of bed
And this city is endless
I’m as cold as it’s stone
Yeah this city is endless
And I’m, I’m walking alone."
It's amazing how many people can relate to just these few lines.
People who never knew how to say it,
never knew how to admit it,
never knew that they weren't alone with this feeling.
Every song out there can help tell a story,
every song out there can help save a life.
People often ask me how to stop hurting them selves.
What other things are there that they can turn to.
I can not say what it is exactly that you need to do,
you have to find what holds you up.
I will how ever recomend music.
The feeling of hope.
of love,
of life.
of awareness,
and of clarity,
that you get when those certain lyrics hit is a feeling unlike any other,
don't ever turn down your music.
It's one of the only things that is certain to be there,
music is sometimes the only way humans know how to feel alive.
Don't quit on music.
It's quite the beautiful thing.
-Kaci
11:29 PM 
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Friday, July 24, 2009 
Hate crimes were reported in 2006.
Reported in the US alone.
Countless hate crimes happen everyday everywhere in the world.
People are murdered because of hate.
Brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, best friends, lovers, employes, students, teachers, children, and the list goes on; are murdered because they were who they were.
Killed for loving someone of the same sex, for being African American, for being caucasion, Mexican, Jewish, Catholic, buddhist, being handicap, for being transgender, it goes on and on.
I find that this happends because of fear, because of rage and because of not being able to talk about these feelings.
I find that this happends when people chose to judge by the skin and not the soul.
When people chose hate over love.
When people refuse to listen, to ask question and to learn.
When as children, people are taught to hate people who are not exactly like them.
So, what can we do to lowers this number, maybe one day terminated this statistic comepletely?
LOVE.
Teach love.
speak love.
Do not spout angry words and do not teach your children angry words.
Instead, teach them to understand, teach them to question and teach them to try and accept that everyone is different.
We should not be judged by how we look, how we love, what religion we are, what race we are or any of the things stated above.
Then after we teach the people we meet and we teach our children,
they will teach theirs and they will teach theirs.
Soon there will be a cycle.
A cycle that does not include 7,722 people being killed.
Remember.
There is nothing wrong with you, you are not ill because you love someone of the same sex, because you practice a certain religion, because of the color of your skin or whatever it is that makes you, you.
You are beautiful, every lasy inch of you is beautiful, from the bottom of your soul to the outer most atom of your body. Don't ever let anyone tell you something is wrong with you, there isn't.
-Kaci
<3
This is the number of hate crimes in each state in the year 2006.
It left me speechless.
 

8:07 AM 
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Wednesday, July 08, 2009 
I'm listening, we're listening, they are listening.
Your pain is not going unheard.
Your screams are heard by so many and your pain is being felt by thousands.
You are not alone.
At times this journey can feel so damp and dark,
no street lights can be seen,
no green lights to let you know it's okay to go on.
Only dead ends and ditches left silently awaiting you in the dark.
It's okay to ask for directions.
I promise you will find a candle to guide your way home.
Green is everywhere.
Green is infinate.
Green means go.
Don't let the burning red light take you over,
don't take another glance into the rear view mirror.
Look beyond and find the light.
You'll find your way home.

-Kaci
10:18 AM 
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Tuesday, June 30, 2009 
where you come from. I want you to know that. I want you to know that no matter what age, sex, race, sexual orientation, religion, weight, height, etc. You can do whatever it is that you are longing to do. If you want something do not let anything or anyone get in the way of you and that one thing.
I've come to realize that this is it. This is life, this is our life, this is our only life. So why would you sit back and let things get in between you and what you want. You have one shot to get this right. One chance to be happy, to live life, to love and to feel alive. Don't waste this time that you have on this beautiful, beautiful thing called Earth.
There will be people who want to push you down, there will be things that try and stand in your way but you can not let them. There is no reason why you should no feel happy and loved and alive. Go for it, I promise you it's worth it. You could change this world, you could be the next president, the first homosexual president. You could be someone who saves lives with their music, you can be anyone you want to be. You just have to go for it.
If not you will wake up one day and realize life passed you by. Your time is up and you didn't live life to its full potential.
So, whether you in a 12 billion dollar home, or a trailer park or on the streets. I want you to know that you are capable of living the life you want to live. You are capable of finding love, you are capable of changing this world. Just look inside you and open your eyes to all of the beautiful, endless possibilities.
-Kaci
9:06 AM 
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