I think I've lost my sense of reality or something. I don't know how people do it. I'm done with it, at least I'm pretty sure. I don't wanna put myself through it again. I still don't feel right; can't really figure out why... not like it matters. If anything, it probably pulled my head out of my ass and made me realize I've probably just been dilirious or something for who knows how long this time around. Who knows. -shrug-

My fears and dread just haunt me and pick away at me, piece by piece, at night now... Making my mind race and my heart feels like it's just about done trying to keep me going. I don't know. Are these those fucking growing pains some people go through or something? Is this what becoming an actual adult feels like? I don't like it one bit. I don't know how I'm going to do it, if I even get to. Just the thought of it has me on the verge of tears again.

I hate being alone anymore... Because it gives me time to think, which I REALLY don't fucking need right now... It's something I try to avoid... But I can't seem to be able to even do that anymore, which blows.

All in all, I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I have no idea what to do about this, and I dread having to face it... But I don't know how else to go about it. I can't keep going on this way. It's way too much. It's got me feeling sick to my stomach all the time now, and I hate it. I'm making myself physically sick just by breathing lately. I just can't take it. Dunno what to do. Dunno how to handle it... But I feel like I'm going insane and losing my mind more and more as each day goes by.

If you're a friend of any kind... Please tell me now. I'm having a hard time with a lot of shit right now, and I can't sort it all out. One thing I can't help but feel is confused. :[

I feel like I have maybe... two really good friends anymore. So please, if we're friends at all, please let me know now. My moods keep swinging back and forth between alright to beyond angry to really depressed and upset.

so just... comment & say why we're friends or something if we are. :/
it'd probably help me out a bit right now.

It probably isn't my place to say anything, but I figure I may as well put my thoughts out there for people to consider. I've basically kept my distance from all the shit that's gone on that seems to routinely hit the fan every couple of months or so. However, it's the same people bringing up the same things. Forgive me, but I'm going to say names, and I'm just not even going to bother whose feelings get hurt...

I'm going to just focus on Paige this time around though, because she's the one I remember giving a good lecture to. Yes, you've thought of Faith as your best friend, and no one ever had a problem with it until she started treating you like fucking shit. You even admitted to having to get physical with her in order for her to even listen to you when you'd tell her stop doing something rude. She drives you crazy, and you just take it. Never is she going to learn until you just blow off her very existence. I told you it'd be muuuuuch better for your health if you'd just stop bothering with her altogether. Don't even tell me it's not true, because it is. There's a hell of a lot less stress in your life if you just eliminate her. She doesn't give a shit about you. If you just walk away from her for good or until you can figure out what the safe distance from her is, you'll have a shit load less to worry about or be bothered with.

As for the 'couple' who's shitting on everyone else.. Just let them see what they have left if they keep living the way they do. Everyone is getting fed up with them. If no one would fucking bother with them at all, then they'd have no one to talk shit about each other to anymore. Then let's see how long it lasts.


I'm just getting kind of tired of seeing old shit being brought up and causing more shit. I'm getting tired of everyone routinely deal with bullshit and drama that feeds off of events past. And realize where or who it all starts with. I figured it out a whiiiile ago, and I decided to say fuck it. It seems like only one or two people have managed to do that. I think it's time everyone else did. Your lives would be a hell of a lot easier if you'd just get away from who the shit starts with.


For the sake of your sanity, just walk the fuck away from her. And when you learn the safe distance, then fucking talk to her.

Goals for 2009 (in no particular order at all)
- find a job somewhere besides the boardwalk (but still work there too, of course)
- go to both days of bamboozle again
- animeNEXT '09, of course.
- get my own car
- get a new ipod. T_T
- get a Chocolate3. D:
- paint my walls turquoise.
- re-do my room
- update my wardrobe fer sure
- lose weight
- add some other color to my hair
- no more soda. and stick to it this time.
- stay real. stay gold.
- decide on brookdale or berkley.
- apply for brookdale.


i might add more.

It was only a matter of time before I finally got around to posting a blog about the whole same-sex marraige thing. This is all thanks to California and the closed-minded motherfuckers living there, and to California in general for teasing people who are just as entitled to the same rights as every other couple in this free, and supposedly EQUAL country. Seriously, what was the point in legalizing same-sex marraige for just FIVE months if you were only going to put it up for vote before the public could adjust to the idea... And then leave it up to closed-minded people to decide the fate of couples who are just as loving of one another as a man and woman are.

I wouldn't be surprised if the same-sex couples are more dedicated to one another than a man and woman are to each other in same cases. I also wouldn't be surprised if a majority of these same-sex couples that got married in the time that the marrying was permitted have been together longer than any of today's straight couples seeking to get married. The only differences between straight and same-sex couples is the fact that these couples are two people of the same gender & they can't procreate like a straight couple. Are these people being unable to procreate such a big deal? Don't even say it is. There are men and women who get married & can't have children. Are you going to tell me these people can't get married because they can't have children together?

This whole Proposition 8 thing has me pissed off, and I'm just using that one as an example cuz, y'know, California is kind of a big deal. *gag* Everyone out there who voted yes disgusts me. I could go on a huge rant about how wrong it is for same-sex couples to have the right to marry stripped from them after a five month tease giving them that very right. This is fucking America, land of the free. How can people say this is a free country... Or even a country of equal rights? If gays can't marry, than we don't all have the same rights.  I could repeat what Sarah Dope said, but instead, I'll link you to her blog for you to read what I could have easily repeated in my own words. Then there's Sin Synthetic's lesser, but still quite notable arguement in his blog.

I may only be seventeen years old, but I am not a dumbass or blind. And I can totally see how this country contradicts itself when you look at why America even came into existence. People came here to be free to be who they were and be able to do what they couldn't in their former homeland. Yet here we are, year 2008. People were open enough to give an African American man the right and privelage to lead our country, and yet homosexuals were robbed of one of the most important rights a human being could have. The right to marry. How can you do that? I wonder just how many parents stabbed their very own, grown, homosexual children in the backs by voting yes on Proposition 8. It's awful to even think about.

Other Mentionable Blogs:
Robbie Hilton's
Jeffree Star's