Have you ever felt like everyone you ever came into contact with has used you for convienience?  Who can relate to this?  Like they use you for something you have, or because you can get them into the club for free, or maybe even just for a quick fuck?  I'm tired of feeling that way.  Why should I go through life wondering if the people I call my "friends" really are?  What makes these people so much better than me for me for me to HAVE to wonder throughout my life?  I think people underestimate me sometimes and don't believe that I'll just start over again like idid a few years ago.  Just stop talking to everyone and make new "friends".   Or is that it?  Is that what life is?  Just keep making new "friends" to replace the old ones and wait for the new ones to fuck you over like all the others did? 

Why should I have to put up with things like this?  I'm a good person.  Atleast I try to be.  I go out of my way for people only to get screwed over in the end.  More than most people.  Like how is it ok for a "friend" to come see you at work and expect you to buy them drinks all night?  How is it ok for a "friend" to only call you when they need something?

Why is it ok to feel used by the one person you have ever really loved in your life? 

2am and he calls me cause I'm still awake........might be the lyrics to a song, but it meant a lot more to me at one point in my life.......That's what Matt and I did a lot of times.  I realize it's not the best thing in the world to think about nothing but him but it's really hard when everything you see, hear, think, even smell reminds you of someone.  Most people don't realize how close he and I were.  The first time I met him I got his phone number so I could call him when he got back to Tulsa.  But we had to be careful about it cause he didn't want to get in trouble for taking on the phone too late.  So we'd call each other in the middle of the night and just talk..........I can't count the times we talked till the sun came up about NOTHING.  Or about how he wanted someone he could love in his life.  Or how much we wished we could hang out together more.  I don't think anyone really  realizes how much we talked or even came close to knowing what we talked about. 

There's one person that I think has a clue........I'm getting to know him better every minute of each day.  Matt always told me the only think he ever wanted was for his life to be remembered when it was over.  He never cared about being remembered for anyhting important.  just for beig himself and he will will be.  His smile, his laugh, his heart, his life..........will all be remembered. The one thing I've figured out in the past few days is that there's not a way to say goodbye to someone you love as much as I loved Matt.  He was one of my best friends and always will be.  Pretty much the only comfort i can get out of any of this is that I know he's above us watching over everyone he cared so much about. He's up there with my dad watching over me. And I know we'll all be together again someday

I love you Matt. 

Joshie

It only took like......................a year.  But I did it.  :P  SO...................I'm not sure what to say.  Umm...................well...............I guess I'll leave this like this for now.  Lol. 

(I do swear that I'll always be there. I'd give anything
and everything and I will always care. Through weakness
and strength, happiness and sorrow, for better, for worse,
I will love you with every beat of my heart.)

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on