So things lately have been going pretty good. I'm losing weight in a healthy manner - not making myself sick or anything like that! Just doing a ton of push ups and sit ups about 3 times a week. I've been getting along with my parents for the most part, my dad's been really cool to me lately, and my mom's been pretty decent too. She's actually letting me finish sentences now and listening to me when I talk! She's not getting along with my dad at all, but that's pretty much normal, she's gone to my sister's house for a day or 2 just to get away from my dad. He gets on her nerves the way she gets on mine is really all it is. She's too much of a clean freak to put up with him. Anyway, I'm really excited right now about my new phone!! I was finally eligible for an upgrade - it's been two long years with the one I have. The one I have now can't take or receive pictures, it stopped ringing about a month ago - it tells me when i get a text message, but if someone calls it never rings. I miss a ton of calls because of that. Unless I'm looking at the phone, I don't know when someone's calling me. The battery is shot, if I do answer a phone call, the battery dies within 5 minutes, but if all I'm doing is texting, the battery will last for up to a week. I've been bitching about this phone for over a year - since it started vibrating for no reason, even when vibrate is turned off, back in like march 08. So I was woken up today when my mom called Wug and he woke me up to tell me they were doing the upgrade for my phone! I'm getting the LG Rumor2. It should be here by the end of this week. I can't wait - it has an mp3 player, 1.3 megapixel camera, full qwerty keyboard, and a ton of other awesome features. I will be so happy to be using that! I will have the same number that I have now, just a much better phone, and get this: That was one of the free phones from sprint! I swear we've got the most awesome cell phone company ever.

One bit of sad news: Billy Mays died today. I thought he was so awesome, selling cleaning products and gadgets for relatively cheap prices on tv at 4 AM. It's a really mysterious death too. They don't know why, his wife just found him unresponsive and the paramedics pronounced him dead...

Anyway, I got my ears pierced a couple of weeks ago at Wal-Mart. They still hurt a little, but it's fine, I'm hoping to get more piercings in the near future! Also, I got new shoes on Friday, since my other ones had holes in them and I stepped in dog poo and it got inside the holes of the shoes...it was gross, but I'm glad to finally have new shoes. I've been needing them for about 2 years, haha.

Just thought I'd post something in a good mood so people don't always think I'm so emo all the time, haha.

i completely hate the majority of my family. i'd love to see them die in some disgustingly brutal way.

they're always right, no matter what is said or done. my mom will have screaming arguments with me over what time she said something. I have proof it was 10:55 when she told me to wash dishes, but she was like "no it wasn't! i said that at 8!" so when i'm in there trying to clean the kitchen at midnight and my dad gets up pissed off because the sink broke, it's my fault because she told me to wash dishes while he was asleep.

who knows of anywhere in cherokee/bartow/cobb that's hiring? I need to get the fuck out. i'm tired of taking extra care not to do so many things around here so i don't irritate them when i don't even fucking like them. i honestly cannot stand my parents at all. i've never gotten along with them, i've pretty much always wished death to my mom, she is the worst person i've ever met in my life. i'd rather live with crazy bitch kira than my mom, and that says a ton because i've never liked that ho.

tired of not being able to take a fucking shower here because my tub is now a storage closet, tired of everything being fucking broken. I can't wash dishes because our sink fucked up tonight. i can't wash clothes because our washing machine broke yesterday, so pretty much i'm running around like the nasty little trailer park kid i used to be in elementary school - dirty, greasy, wearing the same clothes for 3 days, and the only thing to eat off of is paper plates with plastic forks. explain to me again how life is any different now than it was when we moved from motel to motel when i was a kid?

if you know of anywhere i can stay for free until i can get a job, let me know. i clean kitchens decently. i don't mind washing dishes or laundry at all. i just can't be in this fucking hellhole any longer.

was AMAZING!! if you weren't there, you SO missed out!

today i'm sore, sunburned, have completely lost my voice, slightly deaf, and extremely tired, but it was SO FUCKING WORTH IT!!!!!!!!

ok so me & chasidy got there around 2-ish, we missed a little bit of armor for sleep, but i still got a ton of pictures of them and they were really good, i've definitely underestimated them! they played for like 20 minutes once we got over there, after that we walked around checking stuff out - there was a booth there from a clothing company called "i ♥ vagina" lmao...i wanted an i ♥ vagina t-shirt so bad, but by that point i'd already spent the $30 i had on a projekt revolution shirt - it's AWESOME! it's black with a big purple skull on it so then we went back to the revolution stage and watched hawthorne heights...they were amazing, it was really sad seeing them without casey, and worse cuz this dude like 5 people away from me looked like casey...but they did amazing, they played a few new songs and they really sound like a completely different band, i like it more actually...and during their older songs, any part of the song that would have been the screams that casey let out, the entire crowd just went fucking nuts loud screaming casey's parts...and nobody in the band told us to...we just did...this guy next to me was like "I LOVE THIS BAND THEY'RE AMAZING!!!!" and screaming all the words...so was i, lol...i got really sweaty and gross during their set because i was dancing and jumping and screaming a lot...after they played, they were doing an autograph signing at the music for relief booth but the line was so incredibly long and me & chasidy were really hot so we skipped out on that and went to get something to drink - they charged us $6 for a large coke..then we went and sat down next to these smartassy hot dudes over in the shade for a minute..then walked back out to watch 10 years play...i saw hawthorne heights were still there, i didn't stand in line, but i was behind the barricade and got a sweet picture of eron & matt...eron looked right at my camera and smiled and i think my soul melted...lol...then we went and watched people play DDR and guitar hero for a minute, then some dude was like "hey do you want your picture on the big screen?" and took a picture of us and in between main stage bands later in the day, our picture kept coming up on the screen and we were like "WOOOOO! ITS US!!!" lol...then we walked over and caught like, the last 3 or 4 songs 10 years did...they were awesome, and their lead singer looked rather tasty, lol...then was fucking atreyu holy shit...i wanted to get in the pit...stupidddddd lol, so with that whole like, 25 minutes in between 10 years & atreyu, we stayed there, just moved forward as people left...we were like, 2 rows of people away from this big ass circle pit for the majority of the thing...i was screaming so loud with the songs...lol....then, they told everyone in the crowd to get down on one knee, and when the song started, to go fucking crazy...so we did...i was...in the circle pit for a minute...that was the most funnest thing EVER!!! and all i got was a couple of bruises on my knees from the rocks on the ground...lol...after atreyu played, we went to the bathroom where the big ass fans are and stuff to cool off...missed all of street drum corps (they got moved to the main stage because busta rhymes wasn't there) except like, the last half of one song...so then chasidy goes to get us a small coke and she wanted a hot dog...and LUIS my new favoritest person ever holy shit i fucking love him SO MUCH!!! he comes up toward the beginning of ashes divide's set...he won an entire VIP box from project 961, he looked at where the VIP box was in comparison to his pit seats, and decided to keep the pit seats, he asked me if i wanted 2 seats for the VIP box and i said "HELL YES!" so me & chasidy sat VIP, had a fucking waitress! and we were like, maybe 40 feet at most from the stage, it was amazing!!! after ashes divide was the bravery, i really underestimated them too, i went there expecting to hate them but they were awesome!! then chris cornell holy shit!! like...he has the voice of a god, i swear...his set was so amazing, i was mesmerized, yet dancing and singing to the songs...he did a lot of soundgarden & audioslave stuff, it was really cool...when he did "Hunger Strike," chester came out and sang with him and the place went fucking crazy...i was so excited i was jumping up & down and screaming like a teeny bopper, lol....after chris cornell came LINKIN FUCKING PARK, BITCH!!!!! they were so awesome, like...that was my fourth time seeing them and honestly that was the best they've ever sounded, looked, everything...that concert was better than last year's - WHEN I FUCKING MET THEM!...but yeah LP was so amazingly perfect holy shit...this time, they OPENED with One Step Closer, that used to be their closing song for...basically forever, lol, and they did a lot of their older stuff really, which is cool because i love those songs and it was loud as fuck there! like i could hear the crowd over mike in Papercut, lol...then, when they did Crawling, like, they started it off like the reanimation version with that violin...for that whole part, mike rapped the first verse from Hands Held High...it was so great!!!! then, during like the second verse, chris cornell came out and sang it and he completed that song like nothing else...i remember freaking out and LOVING hearing aaron lewis on it but chris cornell...gah...i dont have words for how much i love his voice...when they did Breaking The Habit, i cried like i did the very first time i heard that song...it moved me...so much...that song...is so powerful for me, and i love hearing it live and they were sounding awesome already and i'm standing there covered in these fucking cuts on my arms and legs...and i hear chester with that heavenly voice...

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Cuz inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

I'll paint it on the walls
Cuz I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
We're breaking the habit
Tonight


...it just hit me like i was 16 again and hearing that song for the first time looking at "LINKIN" on my left arm and "PARK" on my right put there by a box cutter...and all i could do was sing along and cry like hell...it was beautiful though...great, great moment! then, when LP did "The Little Things Give You Away" oh my god...it was so beautiful i almost cried again, like the whole place was mesmerized, silent, it was so good...and "Shadow of the Day," last year it made me cry but not this year, this year i was more mesmerized than anything by it, and then LP scared us, like dude people were leaving, thinking that was the last song they were gonna do, i didn't move because i'm a super nerd and i was like "that can't be all, they didn't do bleed it out!!!" so me & chasidy start screaming "BLEED IT OUT! BLEED IT OUT!" and we see these dudes bring something big with a tarp over it to the front of the stage...then the words "LINKIN PARK" start flying across the screen...everyone then started chanting "LINKIN PARK! LINKIN PARK!" and then only rob came back out...the big thing under the tarp was a second drum set...rob sat down at the drums and did this crazy ass solo it lasted at least like 5 or 6 minutes, oh my god, i fucking love that man, he drums like...fucking crazy...about halfway through this, the guys from street drum corps came out and joined rob, it was so awesome, the people in the row right under the big metal boxes were drumming on the wall and shaking everything, it was crazy loud and just...the greatest thing EVER! then, the rest of LP came out and did "Bleed It Out" it was so great, like, better than it was last year, it was just...fucking cool as hell...i love LP, they are the best band in the universe, no one will ever be better, and i highly urge you, when projekt revolution comes to your town - GO!!!!!



if you wanna see my pictures, go to the projekt revolution 2008 album i have on here!

His name was Benji. He was one of my best friends in high school. He committed suicide just weeks after talking me out of going the vicodin route again. I tried to help him, and for a while felt partially responsible for his death since I wasn't watching his every move, because I trusted him that he was just doing homework and he'd come out and skate at 5. 7 rolled around, he never came out, didn't think anything of it, just thought maybe he was playing a video game or something. His dad came home with a bunch of groceries, I offered to help him take the stuff in and he told me no, that he'd get Benji to help him. A few minutes later, he was coming out of the house in total shock, squeezing my arm so hard I thought the bone might break. All he could say was "Benji". I went in their house, to Benji's room, and saw the dead body of one of my best friends hanging from a makeshift noose - a Playstation 2 controller tied around a ceiling fan blade. The weight of his corpse was pulling on the ceiling fan to the point that the ceiling was cracking and the ceiling fan was coming loose. That was the first time I ever cried at a funeral. He was buried on February 20, 2004.

What I tell you next may make you think I've completely gone insane. I don't care. I just say don't judge what you haven't experienced...

He's visited me on a couple of occasions. Both times have been when things are going REALLY bad, I'll just feel his presence. Once I could smell him and I swore I heard his voice. I never see him, I just feel him. The first time, I was cutting myself and I felt a hand grab mine, but I was completely alone. I couldn't cut after that. That was the day I could smell him and I heard him speak. I heard the words "This isn't worth it and you know you're stronger than this. Don't go the same way I did." After that was said, I felt like I was being hugged, and then he was gone. After that, things got REALLY good for me, it was then that I went 2 years without cutting myself. The second time was about an hour & a half ago. I've been really stressed out over the lack of food and money in this house, I haven't cut in 12 days, haven't thought of it once, just been kinda stressed out. Anyway, I was washing dishes around 2:30, and listening to Project 961 on my MP3 player when I felt someone lightly grab my hair and it felt warm, like someone was standing right behind me. I turned and I was the only person in the room. My parents were both snoring. So I said "Benji?" and when I did, I felt like he was hugging me. I almost cried, and asked if he could please leave for now, that I needed to finish cleaning because I was getting sleepy, and that missing him is already bad enough. The room went cold like it normally is with the air conditioner down below 60, and a song came on the radio, and I swear I felt like he was speaking to me through the song:

"Afterlife" - Avenged Sevenfold

Like walking into a dream, so unlike what you've seen

so unsure but it seems, 'cause we've been waiting for you

Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste

of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway



I see a distant light, but girl this can't be right

Such a surreal place to see so how did this come to be

Arrived too early



And when I think of all the places I just don't belong

I've come to grips with life and realize this is going too far



I don't belong here, we gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife



'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here



A place of hope and no pain, perfect skies with no rain

Can leave this place but refrain, 'cause we've been waiting for you

Fallen into this place, just giving you a small taste

of your afterlife here so stay, you'll be back here soon anyway



This peace on earth's not right (with my back against the wall)

No pain or sign of time (I'm much too young to fall)

So out of place don't wanna stay, I feel wrong and that's my sign

I've made up my mind



Give me your hand but realize I just wanna say goodbye

Please understand I have to leave and carry on my own life



I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife

'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here

Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you

This place full of peace and light, and I'd hope you might

take me back inside when the time is right



Loved ones back home all crying 'cause they're already missing me

I pray by the grace of God that there's somebody listening

Give me a chance to be that person I wanna be

(Who are you?; I am unbroken; I'm choking on this ecstasy)

Oh Lord I'll try so hard but you gotta let go of me

(Unbreak me, unchain me, I need another chance to live)



I don't belong here, I gotta move on dear escape from this afterlife

'Cause this time I'm right to move on and on, far away from here

Got nothing against you and surely I'll miss you

This place full of peace and light, and I'd hope you might

take me back inside when the time is right

FUCK YOU.

I'm in a really good mood today. For the first time in a long, long time, I'm genuinely happy with me. I feel comfortable in my own skin, I don't feel like everyone's out to hurt me, I know people care about me, I know people love me. There's one who doesn't, who really hurt me for a while but you know what? Fuck him too. He's not worth being depressed over. I finally see it!

 

I was looking around my room at how terrible it looked. I hadn't cleaned it at all in 7 months, other than getting food & drinks out on a daily basis. There was a 4 inch thick layer of dust all over my TV, there was mail, paper, old stuff from school from like, last year, and there was maybe 3-4 inches of walking space in the entire room. For those of you who don't know about my sleeping situation - I have a shitty bunk bed, for a while i was pushing 180 pounds, and the bed couldn't hold me. So I took the mattress from the top bunk and just slept on that mattress on the floor. I'm now back down to almost 130 pounds because of an untreated thyroid problem, and my bed can support me again, so the top bunk mattress is back where it belongs on the top bunk. The bottom bunk was buried under 7 months worth of unfolded laundry. I spent the past 3 hours cleaning my room, throwing stuff away and folding that mountain of laundry. Right now I'm typing this entry on my bottom bunk mattress and couldn't be happier with my clean room, my confidence is boosted, I've been eating normally - without being told to or forced, I haven't cut in 8 days, and just very, very content with life. Just thought I'd let people know that I'm doing well.