Oh, Kindra... what trouble hath thou wrought.

Are you in a relationship?
Let me check... yep.

How long have you been in a relationship with this person?
Two years in December.

How long do you plan on being with this person?
It's not so much a plan, but for the foreseeable future.

Are you completely happy with the person you're with?
We have our ups and downs, but when I'm happy I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Would you say you are in love?
Indeed. Brutally.

How long after dating did you say you were in love?
Oh man, I think it was about three months.

Who said it first?
Definitely me. I have trouble with my brain mouth filter, especially in situations like this.

Have you ever told someone you were in love when you weren't?
Yeah, I didn't mean to, I thought that "In Love" was something very different.

What made you fall in love with your partner?
He's got a very old, very wonderful soul, he makes me laugh, and he would go to bat for me no matter what. He's the most supportive person in my life, really, who's not related to me. He has a tremendous sense of loyalty to his friends, and they return it.

What is this persons best quality or trait?
He can be good at anything he wants to succeed at. It amazes me. Also, he can almost always make me feel better when I feel awful.

What does this person do for a living?
He cooks food. He's really good at it, actually.

Do you or your partner have children?
Nope.

If no, do you want to have children with the person you're with now?
It's most likely not in the cards, but I think we'd have awesome kids. They'd be cute and smart and sarcastic.

Do your friends like your partner?
Yeah. He grows on just about everyone.

Does anyone around you NOT support the relationship?
Not that I'm aware.

Have your parents met your partner?
A few times.

If yes, what do they think of him/her?
They like him. My dad likes to talk sports and my mom likes to talk shit, so they always have something to talk about.

On a scale of 1-10, how is the sex with your partner?
I'm not going to kiss and tell. But you can ask Rip or anyone else who shares a wall/floor with us for details.

What makes you stay with your partner?
For starters, it seems that every time we've tried not being together, it sucks a lot. But I think we just get each other. Even if we don't relate all the time or truly understand completely where the other person is coming from, we can always come back to the experiences we've had with each other, the way we keep each other sane and keep each other going. I almost feel like I'd be less me without him.

What does he or she do that you don't like?
He he. He doesn't clean his apartment. But until we have an apartment we both have to deal with every day, I'm not going to tell him what to do.

Are you happier single or in a relationship?
I never thought I'd be happier with someone than I would be by myself. It was a hard sell, really, but I'm very happy to have him to come home to.

Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
I try my damnedest to be a good girlfriend. It takes a while for people to warm me up, but when it happens I will go to the absolute ends of the earth for my partner.

Have you and your partner ever broken up and gotten back together?
Couple of times. We just kind of needed a reminder of why we needed each other.

Ever been given an engagement ring?
No. I had one that was supposed to be the one but it turned out to be way too bling and the whole ring thing is now kind of on the backburner.

Do you want to get married?
I've more or less committed to the idea. I'm not sure when or how, but I am more comfortable with the idea now than I've ever been.

Has anyone ever told you they wanted to marry you?
In jest and in honesty.

Would you ever leave the person you are with?
I don't like thinking of that. Something pretty serious would have to happen.

Have any of your exs called you by a nickname after the break up?
Not that I know of, actually. But I haven't given it much thought.

Would you ever date your best male/female friend?
No, I have to keep that line intact, I just can't cross it.

Would you believe your ex if she/he said they love you?
I don't think I really believed it at the time.

Have you ever flirted with a friends crush?
Maybe just by accident, I used to be a much more flirtatious person without even really noticing it.

Have any of your ex's told you they regret breaking up?
No.

Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?
This was pretty much my adolescence: pining from afar.

What is the biggest age gap you have dated?
I went on one date with a guy who was about 12 years older. It was a blind date.

Have you dated people who were not good to you?
Just one, and it sucked and I learned my lesson.

Have you ever thought that you were going to marry a person?
As a little girl, it was basically a given. When I learned I had a choice, I figured I'd never find anyone who would get past my quirks enough to love me. And now that it's a distinct possibility, I am as surprised and amazed as anyone else.

Would you date someone who has been divorced or has children?
I tried it once. I realized I wasn't ready for it.

I told you that I could sympathize, not empathize, with you, and I'm not sure I said it right. I can know what you feel, but I can't feel what you feel. I can only make you dinner, and sleep real close and try to make it feel less bad. I can only reach for you, hold your hands and tell you that I know my own pain can feel like.

I say, "I cant imagine," and "I am so sorry." And I can't and I am. I am trying what I can. I am doing all I can. Empathy is rooted in latin: to feel into. Sympathy: having a fellow feeling. I can't feel into this. I can only let you rest your head on my chest and have a fellow feeling, and be the one who holds the ends together.

An exhausting week of work turmoil, exhaustion, little sleep, late nights, unfinished projects and no downtime. Too many obligations, and an overall feeling of never doing enough.

If I'd been alone, this week might have broken me. It might have ground me down, as weeks like this have done in the past. It might have taken me weeks to work my way out of the gut feeling that I would never succeed again, that I would continue to fall ever shorter and shorter of my own expectations.

But I'm not alone anymore. If it had not been for crying onto my sister's sweatery shoulder after a shitty day at work, getting a few hours of much-needed sleep while curled in Dale's arms, or drinking martinis and watching burlesque with Fernando last night, this week might have broken my spirit for a good while.

But it didn't. Thank you. I love you, and you keep me whole.

Colorado is blue.

The president is black.

My hair is red (well, red and black. And new glasses, too!).



I'm excited about the future in a way I haven't been in a long time. Last night was the first election night where I was crying happy tears instead of bitter ones, drinking to celebrate instead of to forget, and feeling like America was a country I could be proud to be a part of.

I know there's a lot of hard work ahead... but right now I'm going to just be happy and try not to gloat too hard around my conservative coworkers. America picked this one, American made this choice, and I'm finally excited (rather than terrified) to see what our country is going to do next.

I have been up for a long time. And, knowing me, I'll probably be up for a while yet. I have packed most of the apartment's miscellany- kitchen stuff, extra linens, lots of books. I took all the cards, photos and mementos off of my metal cabinets in the kitchen, which I had spent the past 3 years turning into a kind of chronicle of my life here in Denver. It was weird taking it all down and really coming to terms with the many important, life-changing events that have taken place in this apartment. And realizing that this little apartment had really become home in so many ways in a very short time. The plain truth is, I've grown up in this apartment. I may have been raised in a bungalow in Longmont, but I became an adult here.

I'm consciously deciding not to do any more packing tonight. It's been a long day and there will be several more long days before I'm done with this. And then comes the unpacking, the cleaning, the settling, the reconfiguring of a new place. It's exciting, of course, and change doesn't affect me the same way it once did. But these past few days have forced me to reckon with the past (and, quite honestly, the future) in a way I haven't had to in a long time.

I will miss this place. The way the radiators smelled when they first kicked in. The excitement I'd feel when the bushes by my window would begin to bud. The absolutely insane water pressure in the shower. The heady burnt smell of Pablo's coffee roasting down the street when I would have my windows open.  And the fact that it was, for a time, a home all my own. I'm tremendously excited about the next big changes my life is going to undergo. But there will always be a special place in my heart for this little apartment.

I signed the lease to the new place today and will be moving to 1505 E. 13th St. not this weekend but next. I will require help on the 26th and 27th and can offer beer in return.

Life is good but will be insane soon, with moving, settling, travel, holidays... I'm gonna need hot drinks and chill times after this November.

I work hard. Very hard. My work consumes me. I lose sleep over it. I check my work email every thirty minutes, even on vacation. I constantly strive to do better, more comprehensive work, constantly try to solve problems, learn more, move forward and up in every way.

So I'm done feeling like a failure. I'm done rolling over and taking it when people accuse me of incompetence, laziness or ignorance. I'm done feeling responsible for issues that everyone has a hand in. Done feeling like I'm not doing my job when I am faced with the consequences of others not doing theirs.

But the biggest thing is, I'm done being the passive one when nobody has any qualms being aggressive toward me. I work hard. I work well. I am done.

Yesterday, we were a table of four again. We picked up exactly where we left off. There are stories to be told and things to understand. But even when a bond is stretched taught across oceans, cultures, hemispheres... if it's strong enough, it will still hold.

And it did.

Welcome home.

You know, I used to like John McCain. Before it was a nausea-inducing buzzword, I liked his maverick sensibilities, his bipartisanship (hello McCain-Kennedy immigration reform, McCain-Feingold election reform, hello old friends). I liked that he seemed to really have a flair for getting stuff done, for being a little like the mythical Republicans my grandfather used to vote for.

But that was before.

After seeing the debate last night, and after learning that McCain has recently claimed that he himself wouldn't vote for the immigration reforms that he worked so hard in the Senate to promote, I've decided that any semblance of the old maverick senator has been effectively destroyed by the upper echelon of Republican power.

And Palin. Oh, dear. Sarah Palin. I've realized this much: George W. Bush was an East-Coast bred Yale business school graduate who pretended to be an ignorant fundamentalist hayseed, in order to get ignorant fundamentalist hayseeds to vote for the interests of East-Coast bred Yale business school graduates. But Palin is an ignorant, fundamentalist hayseed. Just the kind of person who fell for it.

If there were a guarantee that McCain would continue his tradition of bipartisanship, if there were some indication that his past as Senator McCain would color his future as President McCain, if this man hadn't bowed to the far right with such a ham-handed choice for Vice President, I might not even have minded a McCain presidency so much. I distinctly remember, back in 2004, wishing Kerry had chosen him as a running mate. But he has instead made it clear that he is beholden to the same people who seem bent on turning America into some kind of a medieval feudal state.

Fortunately, it looks like it won't happen. But it's not over until Florida sings.

Today I got along with my coworkers. Today I got a lot of work done. I even had a nice time at the DMV.

Today I woke up in a wonderful mood.

I sold my desk and two books, putting cash in my hands and creating a little less mass to move in two weeks.

Today I mailed out some information to the Kaiser mental health nurse, which should help her to help me. Things are going to get better.

Today I am one day closer to being with my family, as a complete unit, for the first time in more than two years.

Today was a good day.

On the way home, he said to me, you can have that room, for your writing. I want you to succeed.

I said, you can do whatever you want, and I meant it.

I began to wonder what it means to succeed. There are a great many things that people do, and do well, but at what point is it a success? A great bowl of spaghetti? The great American novel? A truly amazing kiss? Can you be a success simply for loving someone better than anyone else ever has, or ever will?

I tried hard to think of my successes. In all- the writing, the various little talents I have for daily things, didn't seem like much more than a beginning.

But the fact that I'm believed in seems like the real achievement. Perhaps the truest successes are the ones that others see in your possibilities.

Lizzie's emails and phone calls and text messages from this trip are awe-inspiring. She's obviously on the trip of a lifetime: Johannesbourg, Cairo, Athens, Istanbul.

The kind of trip that, as time goes on, I realize I'm less and less likely to go on.

I know that romance and excitement are only special when you have them on occasion (how exhausting would it be if we were in a constant state of romance and excitement every day). But I'd be lying if I said I weren't a little jealous. And a little depressed when I have a morning like this, where the routine makes me feel very beige and very dull indeed.

Below the beige is restlessness.

Perhaps Seattle will help.

OK, I crunched the numbers and decided to look around some more. Found a pretty swell place just up the street from me ( I do love my neighborhood), tons of space and beautiful art deco design. One more to look at tomorrow and I'll make a decision.

It's stressful not to know where you're going to live. But exciting. A part of me already can't wait for the housewarming...

I need some help. I am the kind of person who will lose (has lost) sleep trying to make decisions like this, and it always helps when other people can offer some advice.

There are two different downtown Denver apartments to choose from, one of which I will share with my sister come Nov. 1.

One is perfect- a converted Cheesman park mansion, with all the lovely touches a place like that would be expected to have (little round tiles in the bathroom, clawfoot tub, perfect kitchen, beautiful brass fixtures, dormer-style bedrooms and lots of lovely hardwoods). It is perfect but I wouldn't be saving any money by living here. My housing expenses, after utilities, etc., will be about 40 bucks more a month than what I spend now. It won't kill me, by any means, but it would mean less nights out, fewer splurges at Forever21 and the like, and maybe postponing bigger plans like paying off my debts and putting money in savings.

The other is a little less perfect. It's off 16th and Milwaukee (near Rock Bar, ew) but is a very pretty art deco place, HUGE and stylish, with kind of an ugly kitchen but tons of space and costs quite a bit less than the Cheesman place. In total, my housing costs would be about $83 less per month than I currently pay. That would go a long way toward helping me pay my credit cards down and get some more cash on hand.

So here's the decision: Once in a lifetime chance to live in an idyllic Cheesman Mansion or passable art deco and change left over? And would any of you still come visit me if I lived by Rock Bar?