I don't even know to to explain my New Years Eve and it's effect on me. I went into it just thinking it was going to be a kick ass show with my favourite band but like all The Mars Volta concerts, it's an experience.

That sounds really cheesy but it's the truth. The group of people at their shows are the most diverse I've ever seen. Everyone is there for the love of the music and each person was enjoying it in different ways.

I cried, I danced... I close my eyes and took it all in.

The show/trip made me believe again that people are good. I've been feeling so jaded lately (I blame Los Angeles) and I always have that wall up wondering how someone is going to fuck me over, use me, whatever... The people I was with at that show were just happy to have me there to be part of their experience. It was beautiful.

I'm viewing things in a whole new way. I feel content and I have faith in people again. I want to get out and do things, meet people.. experience life. It's like a 3rd eye was opened and all of a sudden everything makes sense. Things I never understood are so clear to me now.

People are good. Life is good. Fuck the small things.

It has to be the Cancer in me that makes me choose to hide out in my room with my computer, books and tv rather than going out on a limb to call up friends to see if they want hang out. Not having a car is one part of it. I can't do things at night unless I can get a ride home. The Metro system in Los Angeles is pretty shitty. And I feel like a bother when friends have to drive me home. So I choose to wait but I miss everyone.

I miss having those close friendships where you talk to them everyday, like in high school. I still talk to my best friend Jane everyday but she's in Syracuse. (I miss her.) I don't know, I just miss the closeness the most.

Going to bars and clubs isn't something I'm big on doing. I mean once in a while it's fun to go to a club, have a few drinks and dance but it doesn't always end up being a good idea. Alcohol can fuck so much up and to me, it's just not worth it. I want to do other things. Go to LACMA or MOCA, take walks on the beach or Runyon Canyon. Something more emotionally and culturally productive.

There are a lot of things I still want to fix in my life. I've cleaned up in a huge way and I barely ever drink anymore. Being sober is pretty awesome.

My relationship is pretty awesome too. We are going on 6 months this month and I loooove her. More and more all the time. <3

School is almost done for me too. March 22nd will be my last day of school, hopefully ever. I've been in school since 2002 (I started off with a different major) and I'm very ready to get out and make some REAL money. It's pretty scary too not having that cushion around me anymore but I'm sure that will fade quickly.

More soon, I need more film!

As some of my friends know, I'm doing a photo project using some of my good friends who are willing and kind enough to model for me. I finally did the first shoot.

This is the lovely Jena. :)

                                                   

I seriously cannot stop listening to The Mars Volta. I haven't listened to anything else in nearly 2 weeks. The more I listen to them the more I love them and believe they are the most talented, unique and inspiring bands out there right now. They were hard to swallow at first and sometimes I had to force myself not to skip songs but once I heard everything as they designed it, I couldn't get enough. To me, they are musical artists. Not musicians. That's the best way to describe them. You can't put them in any genre and to me that's always been what I like about music. Music blurs the lines and labels.

Geniuses. Shit, Omar Rodriguez-Lopez is just about as prolific as Prince - if not more so. And Cedric Bixler-Zavala is the best frontman I've ever seen. I saw them in April with my dad here in LA and I was blown the fuck away.

Favorite band. Period.

Enough of that, I can rave about them for days. Things are good otherwise. I know my schedules for my last 2 quarters at the Art Institute and I'll be graduating in December after busting ass. I want to make sure I graduate on time since the familia is coming from Michigan to see me graduate. It's going to be SO NICE to drive them around my home. They haven't been here yet, only my dad has been to visit me.

I've been off the drug I used to do for about 3 months or so. I caved a few times in the beginning of the year but those times only made me realize how much I dislike the drug and want to stay as far away from it as possible. I've also cut down my drinking A LOT. Being sober is a good feeling. I have more energy and I just feel better overall. I do miss the crazy adventures but I can have those without drugs. Not sure why I didn't know that before. C'est la vie.

Next month I go back east to visit my family. I can't wait. I miss them so much but I need to live here. I don't like the areas they live in and there really isn't anything for me there. I learned that very quickly after graduating high school. If I wanted to settle down and make babies, that would be the place to be. No babies for me yet.

As for settling down, I have since I've stopped drinking so much. I'm over being promiscuous. It's so empty and unfulfilling. Dating is hard but I'm hopeful. We'll see what happens. I mostly need to learn to open up to people and let them in. To stop being so damn stubborn and let the wall down a little bit.

But I'm happy. No more Express job and the horrible commute. I'm doing freelance which is hard but nice at the same time. It allows me to be creative and work on my schedule. I just need to learn to be more focused. Always a work in progress.

I can't believe it's been around 2 1/2 years since I've been to Venice beach. I've been to Santa Monica and Manhattan Beach a few times but there is just something about Venice. The artists on the boardwalk, the lil shops and eateries... I just love the vibe there. Everytime I go to the beach it inspires me. A reminder of how beautiful the world can be.

I've always loved the beach and being so close to the ocean is one huge reason I adore living in California. And for some reason I like the west coast beaches way more than the ones on the east coast. I loved the Florida Keys but I could take or leave the rest. West coast is the best coast, for me.

Lately I'm trying not to be as much as a homebody as I usually am. I love being at home comfy in my room or on the couch but I've been trying to break myself of that. Taking bus rides around LA to places I don't normally go. Leaving my headphones off so I have mini conversations with random people. When I go on these rides without the notion that I'm in a rush I have a much better time. People say the most random things to me and it's always nice to be told by a stranger that I'm pretty. Once this guy told me, "you are the most beautiful thing I've seen all day." That made my week. But it's not just that... it's smiling at someone or giving up your seat for them. Smiling and waving at babies and picking something up for someone who can't get it themselves. Just being open I guess.

Those little interactions could never happen if I stayed put being a couch potato.

As a person I always want to evolve. I believe people and their personalities can be fluid. There is always those core values and ideas but being open can allow a person to evolve and change. Change is beautiful and makes life interesting. I need change constantly and when I don't have it I get antsy. I need to shake things up and see what happens. .

The way I look at things helps too. In my Ethics class we have to write down all the bad thoughts we've had a day and contemplate them to evaluate why they occured and how they can be avoided. Then we have to write down 5 or 10 good things that happened. I find that I don't have many negative things to write down. I check them when they pop up and I forget about them. I guess that's why I get so hurt when something really DOES bother me.

Also for the class we had to take this "Authentic Happiness" test that tells you what your strengths are. Then based on the top 5 a person can figure out what kind of career they should have based on how well they can use their strengths. Soooo interesting. I'm excited to see what else we learn in this class. :)

click on VIA Signature Strengths Questionnaire

These are my strengths according to the survey:

1. Gratitude
You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.


2. Curiosity and interest in the world
You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery.


3. Fairness, equity, and justice
Treating all people fairly is one of your abiding principles. You do not let your personal feelings bias your decisions about other people. You give everyone a chance.


4. Humor and playfulness
You like to laugh and tease. Bringing smiles to other people is important to you. You try to see the light side of all situations.


5. Appreciation of beauty and excellence
You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.

I've been asked a lot about my tattoos so I thought I'd do a blog about 'em. For reference and shit.


The Prince symbol. I got this when I was 18 in Cornwall, Ontario. I've been a Prince fan since I was 9 but the symbol represents more than him - it represents a change in my life since it was the O( > album that introduced Mayte Garcia who inspired me to be a dancer.


"Sweet Euphoria" is a song by Chris Cornell. I got this in Potsdam, NY while I was living on campus at SUNY Canton. Chris is my favourite lyricist EVER and the song is just beautiful. Here are the lyrics.


These are lilies I got drawn up by one of my favourite artists and an online friend of mine: Tati. I got it tattooed in July of 2005 at Shamrock Tattoo on Sunset Blvd.


Last but not least these are my beautiful script spirals drawn up by an artist at Shamrock Tattoo. I'm into balance and I always wanted something on my wrists so I came up with this. I love the script lettering but I didn't want it to say anything. I wanted it to be fluid and resemble the fluidity of dance (I'm a belly dancer, uh huh). So it reminds me of the dance. I got these in February of 2006.




My mom's name in her handwriting. August of 2006.


Nancy Callahan from Frank Miller's Sin City. February 2007.

There you go. :)

ps. Flavor of Love is way too entertaining for my own good. :P

I feel very lonely lately. And it's all my fault. From time to time I put myself into this self isolation where I hide out in my room, ignore IMs, phone calls, emails.... all that. I'm never sure why I do this but it makes me sad.

I miss having a best friend near by. My 2 favourite people in the world outside of my family live on the other side of the country and I miss them dearly. They understand me and I understand them. It's rare to find people you just mesh so well with. Unfortunately it's way too easy to find people you clash with.

There was a time where I tried to get along with everyone. That just left me tired and disappointed. So instead I don't bother. What's worse? I don't have an answer.

Then I've been so occupied with work and school and trying to stay out of trouble. It's hard not to revert back to my old ways. And at times I would love to jump back into those destructive habits so I wouldn't have to think so fucking much.

2 weeks ago I had a anxiety attack. My aunt on my mom's side sent me this photo album that was basically photos of her growing up with letters she had wrote. The last photo was of my mom sick. It didn't look like her at all and I ended up throwing it away. I got so upset that I couldn't breathe and my heart literally hurt. Ever since I got that I've been acting strange. I don't want to deal with people, or go out, anything... it all seems so pointless.

I don't know. I'm confused right now and I want someone here to listen and just let me lay in their lap and pet my hair. I feel so fucking alone. Thankfully my dad is coming out in a few weeks. It will be nice to see him, not so nice when he leaves again.

Guess I'll just go back to sleeping... i've been doing a lot of that lately.

I got up semi-early today to snag tickets to The Mars Volta. They are playing the Orpheum Theatre on April 3rd and I'm super stoked. I just started listening to them last month and they are fucking amazing. You can't put them in a genre which pretty much means I love them. So does my dad, he is going with me. I called him as soon as I listened to them and told him he needed to get their albums. Now he is obsessed with them. He is the one who found out about the show so he's coming out to see them and finally get the car that's been sitting in my garage for a year.

He's so cute. He's been giving their CD to all his friends and even tuned my brother onto them. Very cool.

Yesterday sucked. Kind of. I dressed all cute because I thought I was going to go into work at 5 and so I waited around after my class (11am - 3pm) at my school since work is close. Then I leave and get a call from one of my managers saying that it's so dead and not to come in. Blah. Whatever, I was tired anyway. I was bummed about not getting the hours but they called me again this morning to schedule me for tomorrow and Sunday. I could have said no and chose to get drunk instead but like I said, I'm all about being responsible lately. No drugs, booze and boys fucking things up anymore. Hmph.

Right now I'm laying in bed listening to Volta's De-loused in the Comatorium album then I'm going to get something to eat and start reading "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama. A nice chill Friday. Love.