It is long past due for a little definition time for all!  Apparently there are many people who have no clue what things mean.   I feel the need to clarify.  AND by all mean attempt to insult me by calling me a nerd again.  You know what...let's start with that.

nerd 

whore 
white trash 

lie 

cheat 

trust 

friend 

lov⋅er 
en⋅e⋅my 


Here are a few references for you to read up on too!

First we are talking about it Monday after it was on Opera.  Now my dear friend Lindsay has posted something about it!   I love it!

Steve Harvey's Dating Advice for Women

Though primarily known as a comedian, Steve Harvey is also a writer whose new book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" is intended to provide honest relationship insights that empower women. Learn more …....

One of the original Kings of Comedy, Steve Harvey is the host of one of the most popular radio shows in the country, The Steve Harvey Morning Show. His first book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, is shooting to the top of the best-seller lists, and Oprah says she loves everything it has to say!....

Steve says this book has a special meaning for him. "This is the first project that I didn't do for money," he says. "Other than my foundation — mentoring programs — everything I do is for money. I tell jokes for a check; I'm on TV for a check ... But this [book] right here I did purely to empower women."....

The Introduction
In his book, Steve says the way a man introduces you gives good insight into the status of your relationship. If a man introduces you as a friend or says your name with no title at all, Steve says you have nothing. "We're very protective. We mark our territory. If a man loves you ... he's willing to profess it. He'll give you a title after a while. You're going to be his lady, his woman, his fiancée, his wife, his baby's mama, something," he says. "If he's introducing you after six months, 'This is ... Oprah,' you should be standing there going, 'This is going nowhere.'"....

Man with a Plan
Another thing women need to understand, according to Steve, is that every man has a plan. "Men don't come up to you to just talk. We come up to you with a plan," he says. "We're looking across the room at you, and we don't care about your hopes and dreams. We don't care about what your future holds. We saw something we wanted."....

When a man approaches a woman, Steve says, he already knows what we wants from her, but he doesn't know what it will cost. "How much time do you want from me? What your standards? What are your requirements? Because we'll rise to the occasion no matter how high you set the bar if we want to," he says. "The problem is, women have stopped setting the bar high."....

The Cookie
Though a woman might want many things from a man, Steve says men only need three things: support, loyalty and sex. Or as Steve calls it, "the cookie." "We've got to have your support. Whatever adventure we're out on, whatever pursuit in life, we need your support. Then we need your loyalty. That's your love. We've got to know that you belong to us," he says. "And we've got to have a cookie. Everybody likes cookies. That's the thing about a cookie. I like oatmeal raisin ... but if you've got vanilla cream, I'll eat that too."....

Kickin' It
In Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve tells the story of his father-in-law's first introduction to one of Steve's daughter's boyfriends. "[My 26-year-old daughter] was dating this guy who was about 30. He had been over to the house about four, five times. And my father-in-law was visiting from ....Memphis....," Steve says. "He's in the kitchen and he's eating and [my daughter's] boyfriend is in there, and [my father-in-law] goes: 'So, son, sit down. Tell me, what's your plan for my granddaughter?'" After plenty of hemming and hawing, Steve says the boyfriend finally said that the two were just "kickin' it."....

Steve was pretty confident his daughter didn't have the same interpretation of the relationship, he says. "I said: 'Cool. Let's bring my daughter in there. Let's inform her that she's just being kicked ... let's see if that's what she wants to do," he says. "They broke up the next day."....

Gone Fishin'
Steve says men are like fishermen — but women are actually the ones looking for a good catch. You won't be able to find one, though, until you up your standards. "You've got sports fishermen, and you've got guys out there fishing to eat. You've got guys that are fishing to keep the fish, and you've got guys that are fishing to catch them, unhook them and throw them back," Steve says. "You've got to determine along the way which one of the fish you're going to be."....

Without ironclad standards, Steve says you'll always end up back in the dating pool. "You've got to quit lowering your standards," he says. "Set your requirements up front so when a guy hooks you, he has to know this is business."....

And don't let the man set the pace of the relationship — Steve says it's always the woman who has total control. "With all that power, why do you suddenly relinquish this power just because you want a guy to accept you? That's stupid," he says. "Say: 'Look, if you want to be with me, this is what you got to do. This is what it takes to get to me.'"....

When Should You Sleep with Your New Boyfriend?
As an auto plant worker, Steve says he had to wait 90 days to receive benefits — and says the same probation period should apply to dating. "In 90 days they checked me out. They determined if I was easy to work with, if I got along well with others, if I showed up when I said I was going to show up, if I was worthy."....

Women, Steve says, hold the greatest benefit of all — the cookie — so there's no reason to give it away until you know your man deserves it. "Slow down, ladies," Steve says. "Look, you cannot run us off."....

So what if you don't want to wait 90 days? Steve says if you change the probation period, you do so at your own risk. "You all keep changing the rules. And men are aware of the fact that you are changing the rules. We're aware of the fact that you act desperate. We're aware of the fact that you think there's a good shortage of good men out there," he says.....

"We play on all of that ... we created the term 'gold digger' so you won't ask us for nothing. We created the term 'nagging' so you can quit badgering us. These are terms that we created so you can require less of us."....

Mr. Fix-It
Steve says four little words can strike fear and dread into any man: We need to talk. "You just drove a nail in his forehead," Steve says.....

Men are fixers, not talkers, Steve says, so it's better to get to the point. "When you say, 'We need to talk,' we put up the barriers," he says. "I tell ladies, just sit down and strike up a conversation."....

Turn Off the Text
Social networking websites and text messages can be a great way to keep in touch with friends, but Steve says it's not the best way to date. "You have nothing if you're texting a guy in a relationship," he says. "We can text six women a minute. We can text it and push 'reply all.' I mean, since we're lying, we might as well lie to everybody."....

If you want the relationship to be more, take it face-to-face. "Women talk about [how] chivalry's dead. Chivalry's not dead — it's just not required anymore," he says. "You've got to get a guy in your face. Look in his eyes. ... God has given you all this incredible thing called intuition. You've got to use that."....

Safety First
You know you've got a keeper when your man wants to make sure you're always safe, Steve says. Every man wants to protect his woman, and Steve says this instinct kicks in when his wife, Marjorie, scuba dives. "I can't go home without her. We've got seven kids between us," Steve says. "They need their mother. I'm not a good mother at all."....

Although Marjorie is a certified diver, Steve isn't a swimmer. "I have a security guy who can swim," he says. "So [he puts] on the snorkeling gear and when she goes down, I tell him, 'You swim over and just keep an eye on my wife.'"....

Steve also has instructions for everyone else on the boat. "I told all the dive masters on the boat: 'If she does not come out of that water in 30 minutes, everybody in the water. Everybody. We're doing a dive search right here,'" he says. "I don't care if nobody [else] on the boat goes home. She goes home."...

Hosted By:
Kellie Ryan

When:
Monday, April 06, 2009

Where:
Bottles And Racks
2318 S Market
Brenham
77833

Description:
I am starting my Pure Romance business with a bang!

Click Here To View Event

Here I sit, having a rockstar and thinking about my past year.  It is always interesting how things change and how we evolve in just a short amount of time.  If you were to come up to me two years ago and told me I would be divorced and living on my own I would have become rather offended and walked away because I "thought" that Patrick and I were happy and there was nothing that could mess up our marriage.  One year ago if you were to tell me that Adam really was not right for me, no matter how I felt about it and that my divorce was going to be drawn out by the man who filed, I would  have laughed at you and walked away.  Now here I am, happy as can be with a great man, finally divorced (thank you again for signing the damn papers!!)
To think it all started with one phone call and information leading to me to find my husband was not only lying to me but cheating on me as well.  Kind of makes me feel like a hypocrite at times when I ask why someone is still with a cheating significant other. I remember how messed up I was when I first found out. I lost so much faith and trust in everything and everyone.  Put yourself in my shoes....One friend is telling you one thing; the suspected friend is telling you the opposite and your husband is admitting to half, denying the other half and coming clean about petty shit that should have never matered in the first place. Then the self-esteem lowers.  I didn't know what I did wrong.  I couldn't figure out what made the bitch so much better than me other than she came from money.  I couldn't figure out why his high school sweetheart (who was married with three kids) was more desireble than myself.  I felt that, although I had given up so much to make him happy and keep him in my life, I was less than adequite for him.  Shit, I still do not get it to this day but I honestly do not care as much anymore.  It is one of those things where I know in my heart I gave him all I could and then some; He selfishly took all I had and never gave as much as a thank you in return but like a goat I kept coming back for more. I cannot say I do not care at all anymore, since I do worry about the same instance happening with Ryan from time to time, but I am a bit more thick skinned about it now and I also know that no matter what I could have done, Patrick probably would have done it anyway, especially with all the other outside influences he had.
Looking back on that, I seriously feel bad for any other girl he encounters.  Not because I hate him; I honest cannot hate Patrick.  Mostly because I know that he has not mentally grown up enough yet to seriously handle an honest relationship with a mature woman.   Patrick is a compulsive liar and I fear that his girlfriends will all be regularly hurt and blow off if not totally lied to on a regular basis by him.  Hell he lied to me for two years about poor Tabby....the girl he claimed to be his best friend.  I am sorry but I would never lie to anyone about my best friend. Scott is the shit and I love him like the big teddy bear he is.  Lying about Scott would be just like lying about myself or Ryan.  It just seems so pointless. But this all just leads back to the simple fact of any girls in his future have to learn about him the hard way.  It sucks for them but as society tells all of us, they are not going to listen to anyone in his past and they most certainly are not going to want to hear any warning anyone has for them.  Not that I would try to let them know but there is still that little voice in my head that wishes no one the pain I went through.  I just hope to God that the other girls see it before that take a short walk down the long isle with him. 
And then came Adam.  I do not in any way consider anything I did with him a mistake, contrary to belief.  It was a learning lession.  Somethings, including relationships, were just ment to be left alone.  I thought that Adam and I were ment to be.  I honestly thought he was the right now, who actually cared for me and liked me for who I was.  We are both to blame for the demise of that.  He seemed in my eyes to want to lead me down the same path I took with Patrick.  I am in no way saying that he was going to be just like him but it was just not what I wanted to risk.  I should have expressed that early on.  Honestly I had a great home, wonderful friends and family, fabulous jobs and yet for some reason he actually had me thinking of leaving it behind to take a chance on him in an unfamilar stated only with him to trust and lean on.  So soon after being betrayed by the one person I thought I could trust and love the most was a bit much for me to swallow....not to mention Patrick, who filed the divorce papers, was not dragging his feet out in this divorce at that time.  Yes I admit to putting a stop to the first proceeding by obtaining a lawyer but that was the right thing to do and I am so happy I did!  I feel bad for the way I ended things with Adam but the way he was talking and taking things really pissed me off and we all know how I react when I am pissed off.  I at times, am glad that it all ended badly.  Now neither one of us is tempted to return down a path I doubt would have worked out in the end anyhow.  Besides, Ryan was doing this wonderful job of charming his way into my life and I knew if I did not test out the waters I might miss out on something great and someone that could make me much happier than I had ever been....and in comes Ryan;  My squirrel; My Yoda; My world! 
Ryan has tamed me.  He has helped me complete this transformation into a calmer but yet no holds barred kind of woman.   He has helped me discover what to take and what is not worth my time.  We have had our little problems and our arguments.  There have been the moments of uncertainty and annoyance.  There have been days I wanted to drown him in the river and not look back but then he looks at me with that sly cheesey grin.  He talks with me; not at me or to me like boys before.  He makes me feel like no matter my flaws, I am perfect the way I am, no matter how pissed I make him, no matter how crazy I am.  He actually loves me unconditionally.  I have never had that love from any other man in my life except my dad and Scott....but they do not count the way Ryan does.  Ryan has really reinstilled the trust and faith I had lost becuase of boys like Patrick.  It really shows there is a true difference between men and boys.  It shows the huge difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.  Funny thing is I thought Ryan was the weird bank customer this time last year.  I thought he was just another weird person here in Brenham who just had nothing better to do than to deposit a check in the bank everyday.  Funnier yet is I never knew his name till I worked at the bank.  He infact was known to me as "long island" because that is what I served him at the bar if and when he came in. The man deserves more credit than I gave him and my biggest regret thus far is not giving him a chance much sooner.
Ok I am being sappy enough...I am thinking I am going get a wii and wii fit today....Sam got me talked into it.  Ughhhh....there goes a little bit of my tax return....and I was going to do something with it...I just do not know what yet. 

The holidays Suck.  Yes I am the grinch at this time of year.  Don't get me wrong; I love to decorate and give gifts to children....I just hate everyone else.  For instance, walmart shoppers.  Walmart has to have this evil negative vibe about it.  Everyone in there at this time of year is just so bitter and angry.  You can just be passing by a person and they give you this look of pure death.  I just want some flipping lettus and grandma is all pissy about me going around her and her squash.  Then you got those people who pull the little "I bought you a christmas present" reminders as if to say "I spent my hard earned money on you; you better get me something worth more than the piece of shit I bought you."  Fuck off!  I spent my money this season on the boys and Ryan.  That is IT!  If I wanted another bottle of poorly scented lotion and a loofa I would have skipped down the dollar isle myself.  Which leaves me to question why is that that people always seem to get a woman scented body lotion or bath products for a gift when they have no clue what she likes.  Get me a gift card to Hallmark or somewhere.  I have 13 bottles of un-used shitty lotion in my bathroom.  They all smell like oil and feet and will possibly be regifted to someone whom I do not care much for and gives me a gift expecting something pricey in return. 

Now a little off holidays and how I loathe them so much, my page.  I ask everyone to read this slowly so that your feeble brains can process this. 
RYAN RUNS MY PAGE!!!
There you have it.  People who call him and question him about the crap in my status message are ignorant fools.  Seriously, turn off your computer and pick up a book or newspaper.  I will not waste my time explaining what that is.  If you have to ask, you will never know.  Now even though you morons do amuse us a great deal with your consistant questions and "concerns" about what is posted and what I say, it is obvious to see that not only have you sumed up your own stories from one sentence, but you share that information with everyone.  How sweet.  It is funny to see that my life is so uninteresting now that you take my "status message" and add to it something or anything to make the drama more fun for you.  WOW!  Watch a soap opera.  You will find it more entertaining I promise.  Here is the best part....You will never know what is true and what is a lie on here.  Mostly because 90% of my page is full of truths and the other 10% is just shit we throw out there to watch you all freak out.  Nothing is more absurd than that....unless you count me being followed home every night I work.  It maybe a different car everytime but if you really want to know where I live, just ask.  It is not that difficult.  Then again, everyone relies on myspace for information. 

So, holidays blow, drama is more entertaining on television and my myspace is ran by my boyfriend and you are all still dumb enough to believe I post my life on here.  Thanks again Brenham Bitches for making us famous! 

12 types of females

<1. Ms. Gold-Digger

Advantages
a. You have someone to manage your money.
b. She always looks good.
c. She makes your other boys jealous.
d. She makes you look good.

Disadvantages
a. When you get broke she'll be gone and take what you have left.
b. She makes sure she has a child by you to sue you for child support.
c. Once your boy comes up she'll be on his arm the next day.




2. Ms. Freak (secret lover)

Advantages
a. She knows all the right positions.
b. She'll try everything more than once.
c. You're never unsatisfied.
d. She'll do all the things your girl won't do.
e. She doesn't mind being your freak, as long as she catches one too.

Disadvantages
a. Eventually, because she's a female, she'll end up catching feelings.
b. She starts to act like she's your "main".
c. She messes with ya boy and act like you in the wrong for telling that she's a freak.
d. Eventually her stuff gets old. And you need a replacement.




3. Ms. Independent

Advantages
a. You don't have to worry about buying her anything. She got it.
b. She's intelligent, sassy, confident and determined.
c. She's great for (business) conversation.
d. She keeps it real and has goals.
e. She knows how to please a man.

Disadvantages
a. She will continuously let you know, that she can handle it on her own.
b. She will eventually say forget you and get a dildo.
c. She will consider you another one her play toys, or goals.




4. Ms. Dyme

Advantages
a. She's top of the line.
b. She stays looking like a fantasy.
c. She has the body of a goddess with the face to match.
d. She considers herself a "model"
e. All the girls envy her, but she doesn't care.

Disadvantages
a. She's superficial. She cares only about her looks.
b. She honestly lacks confidence and will annoy you about the way she looks.
c. She's probably dumb as hell and if she's not her personality is dry.
d. You have to constantly keep your game up because every kat is gonna try to get her.





5. Ms. Tomboy

Advantages
a. She's cool and laid back.
b. She'll be willing to play rough with you.
c. Of course, she loves sports.
d. Her body is athletically divine.
e. She's easy to talk to and fun to be around.
f. She's a diamond in the rough.

Disadvantages
a. She'll remind you too much of your boy.
b. She might not want to change her appearance.
c. She might actually beat you in basketball, football and track.





6. Ms. Ghetto

Advantages
a. She's not afraid of any other female or male. She will fight to keep you.
b. She's down for you. She'll be there to bail you out of jail.
c. She's always stays fresh.
d. She can cook up a storm. She can make the best out of a bad situation.
e. She keeps it real and keeps you satisfied.

Disadvantages
a. She doesn't know how to act in public.
b. Your mom can't stand her.
c. You get into it with her every other second.
d. She's willing to fight another girl looking at you PERIOD!!!!.
e. Her weave colors are distracting and her vocabulary is minimal.





7. Ms. Good Girl

Advantages
a. She's always there for you.
b. She's intelligent, classy, kind, sweet and cool.
c. Your mother loves her.
d. You can see yourself falling in love with her.
e. You are her first everything.
f. She makes you feel like a man.
g. 8/10 you will be her first sex partner

Disadvantages
a. She's an A or B situation either: A. You're not gonna get any until ya'll are married or she will make you wait A LONG TIME or at least till he feel like you really like her and not just tryin to get some.. or.... B. She said she never done it she said she never tried she's sitting there telling a lie.




8. Ms. Main

Advantages
a. She is the one you respect.
b. She probably may know about the others but might not care.
c. She has all the qualities you want in a female.
d. You've been with her forever.

Disadvantages
a. She starts getting very suspicious and calls you every moment.
b. She will devise a plan to catch you in your act and then kick your ass.




9. Ms. Psycho

Advantages
a. She's fun and spontaneous.
b. She's down to earth.
c. She loves you unconditionally.
d. Everything about her is too good to be true. So everyone loves her.
e. She makes you feel loved.

Disadvantages
a. Don't you break up with her. She will stalk your ass.
b. She keeps pictures of you everywhere and knows everything about you.
c. She can manipulate the hell out of you.
d. She will consider herself wifey even if she may just be that chick on the side.
e. Messing with her can make your life a living hell.




10. Ms. I have a Man.

Advantages
a. She may have a man but she'll mess with you anyway.
b. She looks good.
c. You have an intense night of passion with her.

Disadvantages
a. She'll always come crying to you about the problems with her man.
b. She'll get you caught up and then leave you anyway for her man.
c. If you piss her off she'll get her man to come beat your ass.
d. She'll unofficially make you her man once she gets pissed off at her real man.





11. Ms. Tease

Advantages
a. She's tempting and a nice piece of eye candy.
b. She's intelligent, athletic, respectable and SEXXXXXXY.
c. She knows how to turn you on without touching you.
d. Everything she does is just so sensual.
e. She can bring you to that point and make you wait to get it.
f. Every time you see her you catch a mini orgasm.
g. Every kat wants her cause she's so mysterious and that makes you want to get her first.

Disadvantages
a. NO matter what you think or do you never get it.
b. She probably has a long distance boyfriend somewhere that you will never know about.
c. She gets you hard and leaves you like that. (Unbearable)






12. MRS. RIGHT

Advantages
a. She is not sexy, fine, or a dyme but she is BEAUTIFUL and therefore encompasses all of these descriptions.
b. She is intelligent, sassy, funny, outgoing, determined, strong and classy.
c. She can cook or at least order a meal that is just like your mother's.
d. Her personality is just as beautiful as her body.
e. She knows that a relationship requires a 200% quota yet she gives her man an extra 10%.
f. She can please her man in anyway. Mentally, Spiritually, and Sexually.
g. She makes you recognize your full potential as a man and completes you.
h. She's always there for, no matter what your dreams are.
i. She's not afraid to tell you the truth and set you straight.
j. You can talk to her and confide in her, she's your best friend.
k. You love being around her more than your boys.
l. You can share your most intimate moments with her without sex.
m. You can have a bad argument with her and then have the BEST Mind Numbing and passionate love making fest ever.
n. She's always willing to find a way to work out your problems and will often take most of your shit. But she's also intelligent enough to leave.
o. She's nothing like any other girls you've met. She's your woman. THE RIGHT ONE


Disadvantage: You've probably met her, or had her in your life but got too consumed with 1-11 that you let her go

With great thanks to my wonderful and near perfect boyfriend, Abby is back home with us. 

So far everyone has had the same questions and the same responses about how it might have happened.  All I have to say is it is interesting how I can have all the doors locked, tell the cats goodnight, and wake up the next morning with the doors still locked and one cat missing.  I know someone came in and took her, neighbors saw and heard it, she was not in the place we found her but apparently she was hiding there in the evening and not in the morning or afternoon.  If I ever find out who it was, not only will I never have anything to do with them again, but I will also expose them for what kind of sad and pathetic being they are, and make them feel worse than I ever made anyone feel.

Yeah I have my cat back but I will never forget this.  That person put my animal in danger.  I hope karma comes back on you before I do.

My little Abby has run out of the house and we cannot find her. If anyone has seen her please fetch her and call me, Ryan or Allen's A/C here in brenham. Her picture is in my photo albums! She is a long hair silver and grey tabby. She answers to Abby, Abigail, Abby Cat or Momma Cat. Please, PLEASE if you see her, Help get my princess back to me. These cats are my world.



Check out this video: Abby nursing on her blanket

This has been bothering me since...well for a long time. 

Ok I know manners are left at the door when You work at the bar.  Yeah I get that.  I never go into work expecting to hear "Please" or "Yes mam."  I work at a bank during the day.  Where the hell did all the politness go?  People bitch and moan if we forget our manners but has anyone stopped to think that when they approched us smacking their gum like a cow and barking demands at us maybe, just maybe, we are just, for one small moment, meeting you in a simular tone.  No one liks to feel below someone, no matter if they are or not.  Manners equal all of us out.  Of course there are people who feel they are immune to this little rule bases on who they are or what kind of person they are to the community or their genetic make-up. Get the fuck over yourself. Are you honestly that stupid?  No one is above using manners. 

Pretty much I really effing hate people in general but people who do not use their manners are at the top of my list.  Those people should consider choaking on their gum they are smacking in my face...

There are somethings I feel need to be explained and somethings we need to be reminded of. 

~This is myspace.  Myspace is a internet web site.  It is not a place we can drive to, a place to have dinner and drinks at, or a place to party or hang out at.  It is imaginary.  Too many people take this way too serious. 
"Omg did you read her blog?"
"What is that in their status message?"
Get over it!  Seriously.  You are grown adults spending your entire day on a web page! Do your jobs; take care of your kids; spend time with your significant others.  If everything on the internet, much less myspace, were always true, it would and could hold up in court 100% of the time. 

~I have at least a dozen nicknames for my boyfriend.  Not everyone knows them and not everyone will ever know them all.  You can still sleep at night not knowing what I call him in private and/or public.  It just pleases us and makes us laugh to hear you all chatter and wonder who I am talking about this week.  It's a game to us.  You just keep our twisted minds entertained.

~I am close to another male who is not my boyfriend.  Oh what a crime.  That in no way means I am sleeping with him.  Is it truely wrong for a woman to have a close male friend?  He is my best friend.  We developed this friendship based on common ground and simular life experiences.  We have a solid understanding of each other and I know it blows your minds but we don't have any intimacy between us.  How taboo!  In all honesty it all sounds like some sick jealousy over us!  Oh you all will get over it.  We will just continue to disgust you with our dinners. 

~Cheating is not programed into me.  It is not going to happen.  Sorry.  Just because I have dinner with a male friend does not mean I am cheating on my boyfriend.  Just because I toy with your heads through my status messages does not mean I am cheaing on my boyfriend.  That just means you all are so twisted that you are all just waiting for me to screw up with him.  That is sick! First of all, it is nice to see that so many of you would think so low of me.  Now that I have that off my chest, I would absolutely NOT be so ignorant to screw up this wonderful relationship I have with him.  If I were to ever be as shallow as some people, I would make sure I would upgrade first.  Upgrading from him would be nearly impossible, especially in this town.  So just get over it already.  There is nothing in this world to cause me to cheat on someone who is treating me better than ANY man ever has. 

Ok...getting annoyed and True Blood just came on.  My vampire show is far more important; oh look, I am putting something before myspace.  Learn from it people!  You might be happier with your lives if you try this!