What the hell, man? Why does shit always have to come at once?

I'm sick of it. Sick of friends backing out on me. Sick of bad surprises sprung on me. Sick of being told one thing, but getting another. How is that fair?

Fuck you, Life.

I had everything ready. Things were almost set, and then my plans were shattered all in one breath. Catching up is hard to do when there is always something else hiding in the shadows waiting to jump me.

And how did I accumulate so much shit? Where am I going to keep it all now? Not only will my stuff and I be homeless, but I have animals that depend on me.

I try not to be a bother, but I don't like being a doormat either. I'm trying to stay on my own feet this time. Sarasota is where my family of friends are. My life.

So what if I can't supply you with free substances. I have much more to offer than a waste of brain cells. I'm easy to get along with and that should be all that matters. Fuck your lack of ambition. Stop leaching. Everyone knows who I am, but your colors are starting to show, and they're not as vibrant as I thought they were.

Congradulations, "friend". You shattered my dreams without even trying.

I am trapped in a vortex of fetish and addiction. There is not one sign that points in the direction I should go. It's only a leap of faith and nothing down below. No one to turn to when I fall. No one to help me patch up this whole in my heart. It keeps bleeding. Pooling in my shoes. If it is I who you want, it is you who must work to catch me. No freebies. Distraction plays against you. Worried eyes strain to see who stands before me. Is it a facade? A mirage? Tingling touch like a ghost. Can it be? Cold and infamiliar yet again.

 

..> ..>

I am a common goldfish Creating memories from sand Distant thoughts of you Makes these special moments grand Your reflection in my bowl Amply compels my quiver If only you were here with me Mornings when I shiver Decide now the tide you keep Is this love or is this fate Down your path I prefer to follow On your every wish I'll wait Hate you I cannot For love is all I know If you stay will too I forever But you'll break me if you go

 

by me

 

again

..> ..> ..>..>

I am a common goldfish Striving to recall your love The tender feeling of you near Fit together like a glove My castle crumbled to pieces Poor foundation its demise Cold lonesome indifference of you Worthless belief are my own lies Flush me with the rest of them If your love cannot I keep No life is worth this torture I would prefer forever sleep Embrace me in your heart Perceive me with your eyes Seize me with your love With you I will survive

 

By me.

 

I got my creativity back!! I'm so happy!!

..> ..>

I am a common goldfish Simply longing for your love Your shadow drifts belatedly Casting sprinkles from above You sustain me for the day My joy is perpetually overlooked I await the drop of my name You already have me hooked Weak lips smile at your approach I fail to catch your eye These fins and gills do not avail How can you pass my love by? Adore me, love me, hold me Remove me from my bowl Take my breath away Grant my wish of being whole

 

 

By me

So, many of you are probably wondering, "what biopsy?" Well, here's the whole story:

About 3 weeks ago I got a weird rashy open wound on my right wrist. It got itchier and looked worse, so I went to a dermatologist and she said it was a fungus. How I got it, not sure. I think it came from the dogs because they have been getting under the deck lately. Anyway, she gave me a cream and sent me on my way. I used all the samples she gave me and got the prescription, but the rash seemed to be spreading. I couldn't get an appointment with her until the following Monday, so I decided to go to the hospital because the itch was unbearable. They were baffled by my condition, but gave me steroids to take for the weekend and Hydroxyzine to help with the itching. By Monday, the steroids had cleared up my hands a little, but my knees were still really bad. When I got to my appointment, the doctor was like, "wow!" They took a little piece of skin out of my leg to do a biopsy on. She said it looked like EM (there's a longer name to it) which is a form of herpes. Not genital. More like the cold sore type. Anyway, that got me really worried. She gave me some Valtrex and said she would call with the results.

I got the call this morning. I was thrilled when she said it came back negative for EM!! She said that it is likely a reaction that I got from the fungus I previously had. That's a load off my mind! The Valtrex seems to have helped a lot though. All of my spots are cleared up and I don't feel itchy at all. I'm so glad it's not what it could have been!!!

First read this if you haven't already:

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&FriendID=22432919&blogM..3&blogDay=21&blogYear=2006

 

Where did all the fresh lemonade go? I don't remember there being an experation date. It's still as sweet, but tangier, not as pleasant. My thirst is left unquenched. I don't want juice, I don't want soda, I don't want water, I just want my lemonade, damn it!! There's got to be something I can do, anything to preserve my drink of choice. Is it time for sugar to join the mix? Maybe I should make it pink, change it up a bit. Do I need new lemons? Perhaps the tree grew old and it wasn't the lemonade's fault at all.

I'm sorry lemonade. I never meant for this to happen.

Most of you know of the tattoos that I already have and most of the ones that I hope to get. For those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about, here's the run down.

This is a link to my previous blogs about tats I want and currently have:  [link]

I've finally decided what to do with the ones on the back of my neck. The middle star will be a brown and teal nautical and the outer two will be an orange fade. I'll like to get my "Hoz" signature right underneath too.

I'll be getting a crescent moon on my other wrist soon I hope.

I want to get a coyfish or goldfish below my belt line. I don't think it'll end up looking like this, but it's a good example.

This one kind of matches Ricky's that he has on his chest. Now, this I wouldn't mind as a tramp stamp.

I found this one online tonight and want it soooooo bad!! I think it'll go quite nicely with the little feet I want to get for the back of my neck.

Then we can't forget about the one for my butt. XD

 

Anyone want to help me achieve body art bliss? I need money, people!!

So, the blog I posted before wouldn't show the embeded file, so here's the link:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ofRF5vpFpl0

 

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!

 

Joel McHale is HILARIOUS!!!

First of all, moving sucks ass! All the packing and transporting and figuring out where to put all your crap. It's not very fun. I think we're pretty much done though. It's not too far from our old apartment.  We found a house to rent down by Gillespie Park in Sarasota. It's got a nice back yard for the dogs and easy access to the park for recreational use. It's also walking distance from Downtown and about 10 minutes from work. Yes, we will be having a house warming party and anyone that wants to come will be invited. Bring beer. LOL

There was a dog psychic at Max's Dog Bakery today, so I decided to find out what exactly is always going through my dog's minds. I went in with an open mind and was completely blown away from what the lady told me!!!

Maggie was up first. The lady said right away that Maggie thinks she's the prettiest thing in the world. She's a very happy dog that likes most of the people that come around the house. She loves Ricky a lot, but feels she has a stronger connection to me. Whenever we leave the house, she gets really scared and then nervous. I asked if she knows that we're moving soon, and she said that yes, she's excited to move and can't wait to be able to run around in the backyard. I asked her what her favorite animal in the house was and she said it was the one with the soft personality. I asked if it was the cat, and she said right away, "no, he is a dog in cat's clothing". I was a little confused by that, but the lady said that what she meant was that the cat was a dog in a past life! I was so shocked because I was just thinking that before we went. It completely explains why J. Dub likes to have his belly rubbed unlike most felines!!

Now it was Jazmine's turn. She said that she had a difficult life in the beginning, but she's a lot happier now than she was. In case no one knows, Jazz was tied up for the first 3 or so years of her life. She never really got to run a lot, but all that changed when she came to live with me. She said that she's always nervous and is more instinctive than Maggie. She doesn't like small places, but loves to be outside where she can run and play. Though she loves me, she's always a little weary because she doesn't want me to leave or send her back to Craig. When she's not busy playing, she is always thinking and worrying about things.  All she wants to do is please everyone around her. She said that she is always very hungry, but that didn't make sence to me because she had food in her bowl all day that she refused to eat. She said that her food is hard to digest because she has an allergy to it. That blew me away too, because that would explain all of her tummy aches. The nice people at the bakery gave me some samples of all-natural food and she scarfed it all down as soon as we got home.

The entire experience made me feel even more connected to my dogs. It was so nice to hear what kind of things they worried about and how they interpreted the world around them. My next order of business is to have someone tap into J. Dub's mind and tell me how he sees life. Maybe I'll even get my rats done and the dogs again. I highly recommend that anyone who loves their animal get them read.

So, Ken and I went to Seattle to see his parent's for the holidays. We left Friday and came back Tuesday. This is what we did.

We started out having pizza and watching a movie at home Friday night. Saturday we went to some shops downtown and had lunch at the Space Needle. It was so wonderful!

All of the views were great.

And the 3-course lunch was pretty amazing. This is Ken's meal. I think it was a seafood platter.

That's some fancy-ass food. Delicious as hell though.

The breathtaking sights continued. That night we went to Muckleshoot Casino. I'd never gambled but I was the only one that won anything. It wasn't much but it made me happy. We had sushi at the casino.

Now doesn't that look absolutely delicious? Mmm Mmm!

Sunday was a day in for the most part. We went to the Supermall and then had a Thanksgiving dinner. It was yummy. Later we exchanded Christmas gifts.

Monday we went to Snoqualmie Falls just outside of Seattle. Pure Beauty. Take a look for yourself:

Yeah. Tranquil. The hike was great too.

Washington is full of great sights. We found a little snow when we drove 20 minutes north of Snoqualmie. It was great to see it again. The entire trip reminded me of why I hate Florida.

I know it's a tad bit late for a Thanksgiving post, but I felt that this may be of some interest to most people.

This year has been a whirl-wind of events. Craziness was everywhere and there was no way to escape it. As 2006 comes to a close in a few short weeks, I can't help but think of the fun times and the bad times and the things we've learned that have just passed us by so quickly. This is my Letter of Thanks to all the people I am proud to call friends throughout this outrageous year.  

    Ricky

It's almost been a year since we met and we've already done things that most couples don't even think about until their a few years along. I love you with all of my being and I want to thank you for your patience and guidence with all of the drama that I always seem to brew up. You are my everything.

 

    Ken

This year has been awesome! You were the best 21st birthday present a girl could ask for. Being roommates has been a tricky feat, but we make it work. Sorry it hasn't been all that we had expected, but that's part of life. You are and always will be my best friend and I thank you for giving me such a remarkable relationship.

     Krista

Just over a year. Not too shabby. I don't want to get all mushy on you because that's just not your style, so I'm gonna come out and say it: you are the freaking greatest girl a girl like me was lucky enough to find. You are my first MySpace love. I love ya, babe!

The Rest of the Z-Group

I know that not much of this year has been great. We lost touch most of the way through. I feel that most of it is my fault. I'm sorry about that, I really am. I do want to thank all of you for the great times. New Years was the kick-off to '06. Lousianna was the greatest and most kick-ass roadtrip that I have ever been on. Valentines Day was touching. Concert after concert after concert!! So many memories in so little time. Thank you for all of it.

 

     Craig

I just want to tell you how pleased I am that we have managed to become friends again. I don't really know what to say other than that. I have always considered you one of my closest and dearest friends. Thank you for finding me.

 

To all of my friends that were not mentioned. Please do not take offence to this. It is not because I love you less, but because it is 2:30 in the morning and I need to be to work early. If you really have a problem with not being mentioned, pipe up and I will make it up to you.

Peace and Love to all

HOZ

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. I am miserable.

There is nothing that can make me feel better. I snap at people for no reason. I cry spontaniously. I just threw a glass on the floor because I thought it would help me feel better, but it didn't. It just made a mess that I had to clean up. Maybe it's because I have ridiculously painful cramps. Sorry if that's TMI, but I need to vent and this is the only way I can think of doing it right now. I am still unemployed. I'm bored out of my mind. It's like I'm depressed and I don't know how to handle it. I'm not someone that gets depressed. I don't know how to handle it. I want to lay around and not do anything, but I get angry at myself because I know it's not really me. What the fuck am I doing!? I don't want to get so out of control that I upset Ricky and Ken because this isn't their problem nor do they deserve it. I need to figure out what the hell is wrong with me all of a sudden. I couldn't even relax earlier when I took the dogs for a walk to the park. I laid in the shade of a magnificent oak tree and couldn't clear my head like I normally can in such a beautiful surrounding. I want to smash everything around me. I wish I could take a sledge hammer to the wall or the window or something. Anything that will break and I don't have to worry about replacing or fixing. Screaming into a pillow hasn't helped. Smoking a cigarette hasn't helped. I don't want to be alone, but I get irritated when someone is in the same room as me. I have no appetite. I haven't had one all day. I'm uncomfortable in my surroundings. It's too hot inside and too gloomy outside.

I am the most unhappy that I thought I could ever be.