This is probably going to be a bit scatterbrained, so whatever, excuse me...hahaha.

So this weekend I wasn't feeling my best, mentally and physically, but I pushed myself to pull it together and attend my family functions Saturday and Sunday.

Saturday was my "cousin's" graduation party. I had a few drinks and spent the day with some of my sisters, my parents, and people so close that they're family-and we call them just that haha. I had a great time and was very glad I put all my crap aside and joined the celebration. It was so good to see everyone that was there, both people I knew, and just met.

Sunday, today, I just got home from my little cousin Natalia's christening in Piermont, NY. My Aunt Colleen and Uncle Frank had the party at their new home, which I am in love with.

Now, I love both sides of my family(Mom & Dad), but there's something different about my Dad's side. In many ways I feel like I relate to them a lot better, and I sadly feel more accepted by them.

Laughing with my family today over many things was one of the greatest feelings. It felt like my vacation to Florida again, except even better because more family was around today.

Maybe all of these feelings arrived with maturity, but I've never loved people more than I do right now, right here, today.

Talking to my Aunt Collette about certain things was wonderful. She and I speak mainly through e-mail aside from seeing each other just a few times a year, so today meant a lot. She's been helping me a lot lately with a few things, and it means so much, especially because she is going through a lot herself.

My Aunt Colleen has always been the Aunt that I have looked up to since I was a young girl. She is "the Cool Aunt", like most families have. And she'll continue to hold that title forever, even with a husband and two daughters now.
From afar, and in the midst of our own dialogue, I admired her loud, roaring laughter, the undying smile painted permanently on her face, the concern and care in her voice when she responded to an event I filled her in on, and everything else about her.
These things stood out tremendously because she has just recently recovered from a tough battle with breast cancer. Her hair, which was pretty much mine, but orange, is finally growing back! I'm so happy for her, and I know she is just ecstatic about it.
The things I noticed today about her are all her strength.
Even after all she has been through pre, during, and post cancer, she sees everyday as nothing less than an opportunity. She puts all that she has been through on the back burner in order to dedicate her full attention to you.

It had been a while since I had hung out with her, so we agreed that this summer will be the start of rekindling the time we used to spend together when I was younger. I am beyond thrilled.

She is probably one of, if not the strongest woman I have ever known. It is her that motivates me each day to help other people, to appreciate the warmth of sun on my face as I'm driving down 208, to treasure the loud music that drools from the speakers in my car, swallowing it whole, fill my lungs with fresh air, and love, love, love.

Walk, drive, laugh, sing, smile, cry, and love...because you can.


One day can change your life, but for me, each day changes mine.


I love my family so much.

Well insomnia has officially joined me and fastened itself tightly into my life. It's 3:25am and my mind is racing faster than Nascar. 

Today there were unpleasant things brought to my attention regarding my sister. She has had a whole lot of problems, and she got better for a while, but if all I'm being told is true, she has slipped back into the black hole that once engulfed her. While she was confronted by family tonight, she immediately blamed me for saying something about the serious accusations about her.

At this point, I teeter back and forth between sadness and anger. I have always been honest with her, and honesty is what I expect from anyone in my life that is close to me, and my sister hasn't exactly been a Norman Rockwell portrait of it. 

It kills me to hear these things. And it kills me even more to realize the lies. 

I feel betrayed. This isn't to toot my own horn, but the people close to me know that I bend over backwards for my family to protect them and care for them, to the point where it sometimes interferes with my own life, And my sister has completely thrown it in my face. 

You would think that when someone comes inches away from death, they'd take on a new perspective on life, but months later she has yet to do that, apparently.

My heart is having a hard time dealing with the constant, heavy worry. I find it hard to sleep at night because checking on certain members of my family to make sure they are okay has become so routine and necessary. 

And now at 3:33am, I wonder if my sister will be talking to me tomorrow, or if she will abandon my love and care for her for a while like last time. I sure hope not. 

I just wish she would see. I don't get anything out of this, I just want her to be okay, and safe, and happy without relying on bad people who do bad things. I wonder if tonight will drive her in deeper, I wonder if she will change. I wonder if she will ever truly see my intentions throughout time. She mistakes my love for something negative, and it is SOOO far from that.

I just want her to see herself like I truly see her. I wish that she would just respect herself and not throw her beauty out the window. She has too much potential and too much of everything to let it go. I hope she sees that.

And I hope that she knows how much I love her. She can hate me if she wants, but I hope she knows I'll always love her no matter what.

It's the middle of the night and I find writing this blog nothing short of imperative. As I've been sitting on the floor in my disheveled room, I began to recall such an important moment in my life. Some might pass it off as "dumb" or "unimportant", but for me, it has held a great magnitude of power over my mind and how I live my life. Something so simple, yet so precious has lingered inside my brain for years now.
It was a very cold winter evening and a friend of mine had attempted suicide by hanging herself. Luckily her mother walked in and found her beautiful daughter just in the nick of time to save her life. Due to the injuries she obtained, she was rushed to Westchester Medical Center where she stayed, unconscious for quite a while. FINALLY she awoke. Everyone was notified and a friend of mine and I decided to make the trip to visit her. We picked up some picturesque flowers and were on our way. We reached the hospital and dashed madly across the freezing parking lot through the hospitals automatic doors. After signing in, up and away in the elevator we went. We reached her room and briefly spoke with her family in the hallway, then proceeded to her bedside. Only minutes were allowed with her, this beautiful, talented young girl, hardly able to speak and breathe, and probably so perplexed as to why she is alive and why we are sitting on her hospital bed holding a bouquet of fresh flowers. Pretty soon after our arrival, we were ushered to leave by the nurses. We hopped back in the elevator and headed out to the car. Little did we know, being unprepared high-schoolers at the time and quite emotional considering the circumstances, that we had to pay for parking. We had no money aside from a spare dollar or two most likely left over from our lunch money that day. We had no idea what to do, so I attempted to run inside and try to pay with whatever money we had, but of course, I was way off. A very sweet hearted, generous person cleared her throat and said "Excuse me" in order to grab my attention. She handed me a $20 bill. I pleaded with her that I couldn't take her money, or to give me her name and address and I will certainly pay her back. She persistently refused. I thanked her a million times over for her generosity and let her know how much it was appreciated. She turned to me and replied with one sentence, that will forever enforce my belief that there is good in all people, "Don't worry about it. Just help someone else out the next time you see they need it".
It is the beautiful idea of "Pay it Forward". What she did might be considered a minor act of kindness, but it is something I will never forget because I know that not many people would help someone out, even with something that minor. There was a lobby full of people, and no one cared. It wasn't hard to help me out, and it isn't hard to help so many other people out. I'm not a hippie that will sit here and preach peace to you, but I will be a human being preaching kindness. Put yourself in other people's shoes. Whether you would ever want to admit it or not, if you were in some other people's situations in this world, you'd want the help too. It is so much easier, and so much more satisfying to be nice to someone. Everyone deserves a chance, or a second chance, until it's right. There's no need to judge someone or automatically assume one is a certain way due to stereotypes. For instance, I can't begin to tell you how many times I've seen people walk past bums in the city. Yes, I'm fully aware of the stereotype that bums ask for money and buy booze with it, and that there is some truth to that, but there are some people that just might have had a stroke of bad luck. A couple of friends and I were leisurely hanging out in NYC one day and saw this helpless homeless woman on the street forcing her pelvic area against a heater on the side of a building to relieve her pain. She was blatantly in pain and stopped us, and with eyes filled with embarrassment and helplessness, she asked if we had any spare money so she could run into the store next to us for some feminine products because she had her period. My mind tranced to when I have my period, and I think about how I have the luxury of soaking in a hot bath, or a heating pad to alleviate my monthly pain. I don't have to find a heater on the side of a building in NYC. Imagining how she must feel, we handed her some money. Do you know what she did with that money?
...She went into the store and bought just what she said she needed.
You have to have faith in people. Sometimes you will be wronged, but there's never a good enough reason to stop believing.
Pay it Forward everyday. Never stop. Treat others how you want to be treated. Never take anything for granted. It's the little things that count. One day you might be helped out in a big way when you really need it.