As of today my past is nothing for anyone to ask me about nor to bring up, I wont bring it up and I refuse to talk about it. I never had one to anybody's concern, it exists in my head and is my means to go back on as I please. NOT for others to ask about and judge me on. And that nasty little habit I have of going back on something and talking about it will have to stop, let's just say my life just started three years ago and that's as far as it gets. maybe it will be a magical wonder for those to question how I learned to type?

I posted crap loads of videos, they all suck and the ones I want to work wont load right, but also I want to know what the fuck is up with this Twitter shit? Would someone like to tell me?

These are way cool
Rob doing the AirBush

Tommy's Ink

Hmmm, when I really think about this subject I think about the people that get star struck, I'm sorry but I don't get that way and I don't treat people in bands or even famous ones in any special way because of their life's status. I seriously get pissed off at those cocky son of a bitch mother fucking "Rock Stars" who think you are going to treat them like all mighty God because everyone else does. Do they not realize they are people too? Do they also not realize that people may also just see them as normal people themselves and not give a damn about their worth to others. But does it shock them to think that others may have their own view of worth towards them? I refuse to treat anyone like that special or above anyone else, I don't favor people. If you treat me like a person I will treat you like one back. The other day I told someone how I felt about him, yes he's in a band but though he's in a band I wonder if he expected me to really treat him like he was so fucking amazing or something? He told me I made him feel like shit, that was not my intention whatsoever, but he had to know and maybe be treated like a normal person for once. I am not a girl to treat them any special way to get backstage or to take advantage of them. You are only Human and you have your own feelings and way of acting. Also, I felt horrible when a person in a band passed by and just ignored the people around them, I was also not expecting that person to be such away. does popularity really change who you are as a person that much? I am not famous, but I am not a bitch to people who show any interest in me, I am not that popular but I do have people that see me as a muse or inspiration (for some odd reason). I get cat called and hit on every time I go out, do I let that get to my head? No! Honestly even if I may hate a person's guts I will try my best to be as cool as I can be. If I get angry I try not to take it out on people. I mean if I were "Rock Star" status I'd have to be professional, why would I show people I'm a bitch? Especially those who would look up to me and made me get to where I would be, why would I do that? Why would anyone? Advice, treat people like the normal Human beings they are despite how they may treat you, maybe it will pay off and you'll get treated the same way back and they wont expect you to treat them like God or pass you up like you're nothing. I wonder if they do think about the people who support them at all, mainly the ones who have been there from the start. It really gets under my skin and I am so sick of the "Rock Star" bullshit, people should learn they need to act like pros at what they do, not like arrogant unworldly "God like" assholes.

I THINK THIS IS THE HOTTEST THING I EVER SEEN!
 

This is gorgeous and also hanging on Tommy's wall
This looked so amazing on him I bugged the hell out of him to get it for real and he got
 it on his own :)  

See, very H.R Giger, it's just beautiful
This is for Tommy's dead little Brother Nicky, who passed before his time of brain cancer at the age of ten, it's a wonderful thing to have forever and Nicky will live on. 

Rob is impressive though my Jack Bow needs to be fixed up and even, I may have gotten some type of skin poison from the ink, EK! I hope not because then I don't think I can get colored tats :(

Yep, now on Ford's model page at FordModels.TV

The Birthday Massacre covers the music style I have always wanted to do, but tossed with a bit of Emilie Autumn in it with old Victorian style thrown in the music is always something I have been dying to do. Emilie's style was something I always had in mind since High School, I love it. I wish it were me up there making people go crazy, singing along to my songs, cheering me on and going on tour with those bands and way more I love. I fear being pointed out as a copy cat, but I always wanted to do it, just never had the right people. Plus as of now if anything seems like it's going right, it flops. Ted told Tommy if we had our shit together he would consider us as a local open act for them when they tour, I'd LOVE to do that. Something better happen while I have the drive, I am hyped for this weekend and it's seeing stuff like that which makes me want it more. Then I just feel the energy all over my body wishing to let it all out and wanting to take the stage and shread it apart myself. Fuck the flop I had at CWT, I need to shine!

Good Morning everyone,
So as of recent my spirits have been lifted and that darkness is gone, but as usual I don't know how long that will last? :/ errrrrr...... So with that said I am going to tell you what has been up with me. I have been taking my modeling more seriously then I ever have before, it use to just be for fun but now I am really getting into it and I am enjoying the fact that people enjoy it and others enjoy working with me. I really thank you all for that, I am happy to make others happy. It's a hard job but someone has to do it, right? Well not to seem nor sound so cocky on myself.

This is a brand new week and I am booked throughout all of it as far as I know of, so please bear with me as I may be late with some of you on here. I mean it's not only just shoots as well, but all that comes with living, you know? Like, going out, Friends, Family, Pets, events and trying to find a really good job. Yes all that type of stuff.

I also am happy to say that there is a great music project in the mist and I hope that it turns out seriously well. I am personally really happy with the music, and though names for the band have been thrown out there, uh I'd have to say the members may not always agree. But I do have this one name in mind and another band mate backs me up on it since he thought of it. Errrr, shits to say it's not solid though.

My vocals were great a few nights ago, I bounced back without even having to warm up, I was impressed with myself and I sang louder and stronger then I have ever done in years. I imagine how great my vocals will be once I work them out more. I am very excited that I am seeing and feeling this happen. I just seriously hope nothing goes wrong since I terribly worry and I have my reasons, actually a few.

But thus far thumbs up, just please to my band mates and future band mates, don't kill my dream and make me cry to death do to stupidity in band drama, it scares me a lot to have this dream torn from me. So I ask if anyone that joins us or already is a member, please it's about making art and we need to be happy that we at the very least are working on something productive in a way we all dream to. Sure we will have to flex and deal with others not always in agreement, but we have to talk things over and also learn how to deal with things as a group.

I know things would be easy if everyone was the same and enjoyed the same types of things, but it's not reality. To be in a band together means there is a number of people that are very individual no matter what you think you may have in common or not. Someone will always have something to say to the opposite and that's just how it is. This is where a band grows strong and builds a connection, so no matter what the damage done we will be able to overcome it together, knowing it's not easy.

And with that said I have a call out to make, so this project is looking for a keyboarder and a drummer at this moment in time. YOU MUST enjoy the visual aspect of music and have great style, not afraid to dress up and go outside the box as they say. YOU MUST be experienced and if not but you are still good then we shall audition you. Your musical influences should lean more towards bands like The Birthday Massacre, Julian-K, Imperative Reaction, Deftones, Riot Grrrl, Orgy, Mindless Self Indulgence, The Creatures, Til Tuesday. Emilie Autumn, Element, Cinema Strange......... You also must like PUNK or at the very least be able to tolerate it because I personally enjoy it so you might hear it a lot from me and can expect it to influence me as well. YOU MUST be open minded to other band member's ideas or anything else thrown at you. YOU MUST take this seriously, this is important. Right now we are located working on our music in Yonkers, so please be dedicated, we may at some point find another place. I will push this on people till the day I die, please be a person that is able to be spoken to, be kind, charming and good socially with people. We don't need idiots that may have a lot of talent but may also hold us back due to their attitudes towards others. AND PLEASE LISTEN TO ME, NO HORRIBLE DRUG HABBITS. Smoke, Drink, Weed is always fine and always very welcomed, BUT NO SERIOUS DRUG PROBLEMS, PLEASE! And as I said drinking is great, but we don't need alcoholics, it's the same thing as using serious drugs, so if you need to go to rehab for it, then you are not qualified. Please take good note that these are very important details, this is a serious project looking for serious musicians, do not feed us any lines of shit or we will be forced to be like the Police and background check you, but you should already have a good background with nothing to hide and if you don't but you are very honest about it, then depending on how you are with us maybe we can turn the other cheek. You will be watched and observed for a period of time, you should know that bands do that so yes I am going to be flat out blunt with it instead of trying to hide it from anyone. It's like a new job and you should take it as such, so please if you are serious contact me here or at DarlingGhoulDoll@aol.com, best chances are you'd better get me faster on here, much faster. Other contacts will be posted.

So anyway that is that for now so please feel free to leave me messages or comments as always and I will try my best.

I just don't know anymore about my life, the things that make me happy don't seem right to others and it just causes me problems. My small dreams are or were a bit higher, but I fear I have gotten to ahead of myself. I feel like happiness is something not dealt in my deck of cards, I have to play with the hand I was given and I'm not winning. I feel no matter where or what I move on to, living or career wise I'll never ever be happy, someone or something will always be there to make sure it all goes wrong. I feel low, being put down all the time for almost your whole life will really damage a person's view of themselves. Maybe the people that pushed me away are happy now, I guess I was just not worth it? And those I have pushed away due to fear of attachment are lucky. Trust no one needs me, I'm just the garbage people throw away and some how happens to make it back into the junk pile.



There is no more advice to give me, I have tired everything. The only thing left to do is to live day by day in hopes to just die or wish for a miracle. Neither will happen, I'll just be living in suffrage, I don't want anyone to feel a damn bit sorry for me, this is not to grasp anyone's attention. I don't care what anyone thinks nor what they have to say, I'm just venting out loud wanting to just be understood and treated right.

When the change is clear that's when I'll know my voice has been heard.

First off I'd like to thank Nelson G and J.V for working with me and giving me my photos back same day, not making me wait and being cool with the watermarks on the photos. Not many people will let you post their photograpghy of yourself without their dumb watermarks, I give you all credit anyway so who gives?

But yeah anyway thank you both and J.V get a fucking MySpace already! I know it's against all that you are, but how are you going to network more?

Also as for everything else my life's not going to well for me when it comes to the people I care about and I thought cared about me and also would know me better, but I guess not. It hurts, it really does, this is something I should be use to and yet I'm not.

One thinks I lied to him about who I am, when he does not understand that I have changed a lot due to the shit I have been through thanks to others. Please, like I am going to let the person I love have any chance of slipping away from me and also I try to better things by voiceing what's wrong, instead I get gutted for it, been through it before and it almost killed me. I am in no mood to be mistaken, so please try and understand me.

The other just keeps lowering me all together so, yeah that's not a good feeling at all.

Yeah I guess right now I feel so very unwanted by the ones I care for so much.

I have to make this quick because I have to be in the Bronx for a shoot today.

I did not go to the auditions because I was thinking about living with a bunch of other girls if I somehow actually got picked (which I know would never happen). In some crazy world that this did manage to happen, I fear the gossip and the bullshit drama those girls all carry around with them.

I don't need it, I have to much shit to deal with, with the people that I have known for years, why would I need to bullshit on TV and make myself look low by trying to speak my peach if a crazy ass Bitch decides to go wild on me? My idea there would be to keep to myself and read a lot, not make friends nor bother with the shit I have seen on the other seasons of this show.

Lucky for me I did not go because there was a riot and they had to put the audition on hold. Hmmmm, it still gives me time to think if this is something I'd really want to do, but I am sure by reading this you'd notice the answer is clear for me.

But maybe I'd might like to suck it in and go for it? Hmmm, we shall see.......

Just happy I was not part of yesterdays caty stupidity.

Okay I am looking so if anyone knows of or has any good connections with one or feels they could be my Agent, please let me know. Please note that if you feel you can work with me in this sort of way I'd like that you'd be able to provide some sort of proper qualifications to sway me.

Today I printed out copies of my resume and I made a very tiny adjustment, but I sat back and read it over three times and realized I had to keep it simple and make it look professional. I thought for an Art Student it was "impressive" and to my dismay I felt I was wrong after looking it over again. I feel it has no merit and the things I'd like to put on there I can't for there is no room and there are just those things you can't add but it shows your great progress. I can cut it and alter it all I want and for some reason I still don't think I'd feel happy with it, therefore thus others wont as well. I cried over it, seems like all I ever do is cry, but really it's nothing new and nothing at all to feel sorry for me about, as really it's apart of my life just like blinking and eating is to everyone else.

I feel like those that I really care for don't support me like I wish they would and also don't bother to view me as someone who does try, it's just hard to deal with rejection one interview and then another. It's emotionally draining and it takes a physical toll on me as well. At least let me feel like I have a little dignity left, let me mope and then try again when I feel stronger after a huge defeat. Time to mend and also why can't I do the things I'd like to do to make up for all the hardship I have finding a career with the horrible economic state this country is in right now.

I may make a few bucks here or there or I may even spend more money then I've got, but I enjoy, horseback riding, modeling, GoGo dancing and working for photographers as a Makeup Artist during some assignments. I adore reading and wish I had the money to procure every book I ever could dream of. I love collecting 80's toys and things from my childhood past. I wish I had the money to treat myself to a very Grande Frap from StarBucks every now and then and just sit there relaxing reading my book after doing something I'd enjoy doing as a lifetime career. I'd love to just shop and have the money to feel free to come and go as I please, get my own place and be on my own again. Have fun nights out with my friends and not having to budget my money. All I want is to be comfortably set. I wish music would be a huge part of my life, but it seems I have creative blockage as of late. I have so many things to inspire me, but no way of putting it together like I use to. I don't feel like I am in the same body anymore, I don't think I know who I am anymore?

I'd like to set it for the record that to those of you who seriously think I have this wonderful life and that I take myself so seriously, get to know me and you'll notice I am pretty normal. I have done things out of my true character lately and I also feel I owe apologies, I'm an erratic mess right now just going through more changes. But that does not mean I have to point fingers at others.

You know, this girl sent me an AIM message earlier and I am glad we talked and I respect her much more for reaching out to me, when heaven knows I was going to most likely be as stubborn as my, uh..... I mean a Mule, yes that's right, a Mule. So I am sorry to you.

You all would really have to live a day in my life and be around the people I am normally around and chaos that lurks around every corner, it's basically timing itself just to fuck me over when it is all at it's worst.

Wise words that I should be more stronger are always said to me, but I feel I like to avoid conflict because it's the easy way out and when I do speak my rights, standup for myself. All that happens is it gets twisted terribly on me. If you are troubled and can relate you know all to well these feelings, the confusion and the mental confrontations you have with yourself. you need to be treated so fragile it all most makes you that embarrassed to the point you'd want to hide away, afraid of the ridicule.

It's a delicate balance that needs to let on to betray itself and unfold into whatever it may, but it needs a push. A strong one from myself, the one person that has the only ability to determine how I feel and who I am, to what I think. I need to be in control and I have to find my center, but I ask those I love dearly to seriously support me and be there for me, because if you have a shred of love for me in your body, you'd compromise with me and yourself, so that we can hold each other up.

Hmmm, now why would a Girl with no evil intentions deny my Friend Request? I am not stupid, I know you are after something that belongs to me, but you proved me oh so much more the right. Now why I ask you, why so suspicious, if not for that reason? What is there to be afraid of hun if you're not looking for trouble? Now, by you being so obvious and silly, your rep is going to haunt you and you make yourself look like nothing but a whore and a man stealer. Don't wonder why you're alone so much when it's so obvious why and don't make me want to laugh at you for you serious stupidity. I agree with a lovely lady whom shall remain nameless, but you are nothing more than a little child.