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Last Updated: 11/23/2009

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Status: Single
City: Peterborough
State: East
Country: UK
Signup Date: 7/26/2005

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Tuesday, July 21, 2009 

Current mood:  happy
Category: Life
............

The Crooked Clamper – What a Jip!

.. ..

Have you ever met Neville? Poor Schlong did.....

.. ..

What a fu+-in nightmare of a day for our Lord Schlong-Plausible.

During the day before Lord Schlong parked Lady Tenner’s Porsche 911 s/e in the car park of a pub he frequented, to nip across the road to town for a hair cut.  He knows the landlord of this pub.

After the trim Lord Schlong received a call from Lord Punt who beckoned a meeting in a pub just round the corner.  Lady Mint Garden was also present along with Denison Gout and Dame Levy.  The pub was ambient and a calm game of chess was underway.  Schlong and Punt often duel on the chequered square.  Lady Mint Garden became insistent on throwing additions onto the chess board; until Schlong shouted her to stop.  Lady Mint reacted by spitting partial contents of her pint over Schlong’s arm.  Then the game continued.  Victory was Schlong’s and he walked home.

The following morning Lady Tenner was heading to work.  She had slept at Lord Schlong’s. She entered the bedroom and asked “Where’s my car parked Schlong?”

“It’s just outside”. Then he remembered he had left the car in a friend’s car park on the other side of town.  Lady Tenner was furious as she was already late for work.  But Schlong ordered a taxi for Lady Tenner and pulled together three pounds thirty from his bedroom floor and sent her on her way; after she had thrown her keys at his head; hard. 

Schlong-Plausible got to the car park and the car had been clamped; Schlong saw red.  He telephoned the number on the car to explain it was his friend’s car park, with ample room, and that he felt one hundred pounds fee was unjust, the he asked for the clampers name. “Neville” said the man.  Schlong went suitably ape sh*t.  Ah Neville we meet again, Schlong thought.  

.. ..

(open bracket)  Neville....

Eight years ago Lord Schlong-Plausible had a next door neighbour who was far to be desired.  Neville was his name.  He was 6ft 6 tall, 6ft 6 wide and he fuckin stank of skank.  Schlong had been allocated a parking space outside his residence. 

Very handy, He thought.

At the time Schlong was a Personal Banker for Barclays.  A hire car was ordered for Schlong for business. He parked the car in his allocated space and found it to be clamped the next day.  He called the number and by chance Neville answered the phone.  “I’ll come and see you face to face” spat Schlong.

No point talking on the phone when you live up them stairs there, right next door to me!

  Neville answered the door with the same dumb-ass blank expression that he always wears.  “You need to pay fifty pounds before I can have it released, the key is with a man in Wisbech and he can’t unclamp it unless you pay, my boss won’t allow it”.

“Who is your business account with Neville?”

“Barclays”

Schlong daily wore a navy blue suit with Barclay’s tags on the trousers and jacket, complemented with a turquoise shirt and blue tie also with the Barclays logo on them.  The suit was itchy as a thistle in your briefs.

“I have no cash, but you see me wear this suit everyday, as soon as I get to the office I will transfer fifty pounds from my account to yours”.

“OK” said Neville in a dubious manner and passed the account details to Lord Schlong-Plausible. Neville went and unclamped the car.

“How are you doing Sally, can you check out a business for me and give me a few details?” Lord said to his business banking colleague.

It turned out Neville the clampers business was registered as an adult lingerie company, and that a scam was underway.

Did Schlong transfer fifty pounds to Neville’s scam? Of course…. Not.  And Neville never mentioned it.

.. ..

Two years later Schlong’s residence was burgled and he tracked down the culprit.  He squeezed information about where the stuff had been taken.  “To a man named Neville who lived on Lincoln Road who buys stolen goods from Crack and Smack heads.”  Would you believe the coincidence?!  Schlong made the threats to retrieve his goods, which never came back.  Though insurance was More Than compensatory to his losses.

They never crossed paths again, until yesterday. (close bracket)

.. ..

Lord new it would be a cold day before one hundred pounds would pass through his fingers to be placed on this crook’s palm.  If you think your getting any money out of me you fu+- face you can kiss my fu+-in arse, thought Lord.  He immediately made phone calls and arranged for a swift delivery of an extension cable and an angle grinder, with a fresh steel cutting disk that could cut the lock off and have plenty left on it to trim Neville’s bones for Sunday Lunch.

“I don’t fu+-in believe this, six fu+-in meters short, SIX Fu+-IN METERS!”

Schlong ran to a friends to get another extension but on his arrival back to the car he was met by two reps from the company and a pick up truck with a further two people in it.

“What are you doing with them?”

“Are you with this company?”

“Yes”

“You’ve got two minutes to take this clamp off or i'm cutting it off”

“You can’t do that, and I don’t have the keys”

I do have the keys really but Neville’s coming and he’s great and big and we have the police who know us, so nuh nuh nu nuh nuh.  Thought the rep.

“You’ve got two minutes” shot Lord.

“We have your details if you do”

“I don’t give a fu+-, are you doing it or am I?”

“The boss will be here in a minute”

“Who’s that?”

“His names Neville”

Oh my fucking god, Neville is coming here, I’m gonna rip his fu+-in heart out and shove it down his throat; Finally, this is the right place, and right now I’ve got the anger to take out ten Neville’s and a rabid wolf.  Schlong thought.

“Good” Schlong said

I don’t believe it, I’ve been stitched up by my mate, ah he’s gotta cover his arse, though this is all I need, how the fu+- am I gonna get to London for the show tonight??? 

Just then a Police Car pulled around the corner.  Two male officers proudly chested themselves out from their car and wondered over.  One of them was a miniature Arnold Shwazern*ger.

There was a silence.__

“We’re just waiting for the boss” said the rep to the police officers.

I’m just waiting for that C*#T I want to kick the shit out of; thought Lord.

The police turned to Lord. “We aren’t here to get involved; this is a civil matter between you and the camping company”.

Then what the fuck are you hear for?  He thought.

How am I going to get out of this one? shit I’m proper backed in a corner with these boys here, if I get into trouble again I’m looking at a four wall sentence.

“We have been informed you were going to cut the clamp off, we have to warn you that although this is a civil matter, if you damage that clamp you will be charged with damage to property.”

Lord was calm, cut the clamp off, he thought, I want to smash it to pieces and give each of these fu+-ers an enema with the leftovers.

“Then I won’t damage it” he said calmly.

“Did you bring something to cut it with?

“No” he said hiding a huge angle grinder sticking out of his coat pocket.

“That’s alright then” said the officer.

“I just need to take down your details, what’s your name son?”

“Lord Schlong-Plausible”

“Can you spell that?”

“L-O-R-D – S-C-H-L-O-N-G—P-L-A-U-S-I-B-L-E”

One of the Officers eyebrows twisted.

“And your date of birth?”

“Censored”....

“Have you been in trouble with us before?”

Schlong thought about this, for he had had a dabble with the law some time ago. If I say no and they check, i’m in troffle.  If I say yes, I’m in a troffle, but maybe not.

“Yes”

“What for?”

Censored”....

The officers looked at each other and smirked.  Huh, figures.  Coming here with tools.  Mmm but you seem calm and co-operative, then most murderers do, mmm but you do seem like a pretty decent fellow.  Either way this clamping business is a joke wanting a hundred pounds off this man in a friend’s empty car park, but there is a sign, and this is the law, And I Must Uphold the Law to Her Majesty the Queen.

“Can I go and get some water officer”

“Of course”

Lord S made the phone call to Lord Crackcorn explaining his predicament and telling the band to go on as Schlong thought it likely that he would be visiting a cell.  His next phone call was to Lady Tenner who was still waiting to be picked up from work.

.. ..

Where is my Schlong? He was meant to be here at four, it’s now half four and his phone is dead.. What is going on?....

.. ..

“Hello?”

“It’s Schlong, get yourself a taxi home and sort yourself out, I may be some time I’m not gonna make London”

Lady Tenner could hear the tension and manly grrr in his voice and eloquently said;

“Ok, call me when you can”. Then hung up.

LSP went outside to see a white van pull up next to the Police car.

Oh you’re finally hear are you, come on you piece of sh*t let’s fu+-in have it.

“Alright Neville!” said Schlong.

How does this guy know my name? Neville thought.

“Do I know you?” he said.

“Yeah you know me, we were neighbours a few years back, remember?”

“Uh that was a while ago”

I can’t keep this in, I can’t believe the police turned up and I can’t believe this gormless fu+- is still standing,  and I won’t talk about our personal issues in front of the police; this is between me and him. Schlong thought.

“Can I have a word over here” Schlong said.

“Yes ok” replied the heathen snake.

Both men were twenty yards from the police when LSP glared through N and told him the facts including the favour he still owed him for not sorting out LSP’s stolen goods he had received.  As soon as Neville realised who this man was he etched back over to the policemen.

“You’re a fu+-in crook Neville and you’re business is a scam, you’re daylight fu+-in robbers”

“If you swear again Lord we will have to charge you with something”

Silence fell__

Schlong’s adrenaline was high, he was rushing, and he liked it.  He would have liked it even more so if Her Majesty’s Bobby’s were absent.

“What would you like to do?” said an officer.

“What can I do?” asked Schlong.

“This company has rights to remove your car now as it states on the board it can be removed after half an hour.  The company will then charge you three hundred pounds to collect it from the compound tomorrow, and thirty five pounds each day there after for storage costs. Or you can pay a hundred now and be on your way.”

“It’s a con, you know that, this is a scam” LSP told the officer.

I know kid. Thought the officer.

.. ..

Schlong thought a moment; I have no way out of this, I feel sick, backed into a corner by this clown who’s protected by the police…damn if only that extension cable had of reached the first time.. But then I would have been tracked down by the police.  Oh balls, I have to pay the hundred.  At least its not a clear hundred profit for N, he’ll have to pay that removal truck, and at least I’ve seen the fear in his eye when he realised I was that man from the past.  What a jip!  God I can’t believe it’s him, after all these years.

 

Neville thought a moment; Of all people, I can’t back down now though, I have the police on my side right now and i’m a new man, i’m trying so hard, god please sort this mess out.

.. ..

“Give me five minutes to make a phone call” Lord said to them all.

.. ..

After a call to Lady Tenner it was agreed paying the hundred was the most sensible of all options and so Lady Tenner went and met Lord Schlong-Plausible and they had the clamp removed. 

.. ..

All in all it was a most peculiar day and Lady Tenner had admirably forgiven Lord Schlong-Plausible for the inconveniences he had caused.  She knew that he would have to work hard that night to make up for it, and smiled from the corner of her eye.

..
..

.. ..

The End
Currently reading:
Tai Pan (Coronet Books)
By James Clavell
Tuesday, July 07, 2009 


Photobucket

Saturday, June 13, 2009 

Current mood:  gallant
Category: News and Politics



Thursday last, being june 11, saw a full bus of lords and ladies off to perform at The Grey Horse in London.


Lord Crumb went all Arjee Barjee after a pee stop.  He's gone and knocked a load of rubbish out the van and spat his Crumb dummy out when asked to pick it up.  Oh dear Lord Crumb we must show you etiquette.

Later that eve after a fun sweaty show our bellies requested re fueling at the originally named CFC.  Lord Chip and Lord Symphony got as much nosh as possible for the last of the shiny coins from the corners of every pocket.  Lord Chip spat his dummy out when his X-tra large fries were handed to him in a paper bag (like most chinese food establishments), But this was no chinese establishment.  Arjee Barjee Lord Chip quacked "What sort of a place is this, chips in bags, what sort of place is this.  Twenty pence for a box?! At sight of Lord Chips apple anger he was swifty passed a box. 

Lord Symphany was happy, and was soon re fuelled.


Lady Mint Garden sat quietly in the bus playing with her hair.

Lord Punt had left some time earlier for a date with passion.

Lady Tenner stayed at home.

The end.

Monday, May 18, 2009 

Current mood:  vibrant
Category: Music
Dudes and Dudettes,

We're gonna start with a HUGE Thank You for everyone who came and shared in the great weekend that was the launch of our Second Album Break the Circle.  It has been such a memorable weekend, one that keeps a smile on our faces.

Thursday night (14th) saw us at The Hopbine in Cambs for a great night with Alex I Am (was a woman) hosting what was a rammed venue with a brilliant vibe of music, laughing and bounce.  

After a few hours of sleep we hit Friday (15th) hard preparing our albums (which arrived a few hours before the launch, as always last minute mayhem!) at our home hub The Glass Onion in Peterborough.  What an amazing night, so many great acts a big thank you to Siren, Jody, Abs, The Rich Hall band, Keeley and All of you dancers for rocking the stage and floors with us in this rammo'd kick off of an Album Launch Party!  We followed to a friends house warming/after party which took us through to Saturday with music, jeer and proper debauchary, You Guys rock man! Sorry about the garden chair!

And last of the weekend Saturday (16th); it began with several of us walking sideways with tripple vision, our trip to london and a few sherbs shaped us for our London Launch Show at 229 bar.  Thanks again to all that came and shared the show. 
We might add that Chops got kicked out the venue within 5 minutes of getting off the stage for putting a cider on the tab (which didn't exist) "They Served me it".
We then missioned on with friends to a hats and wigs party in soho which was so much fun, loads of crazy ass people dressed in comical attire. They had a eukeoke (several dudes playing eukillales live to songs you select),  It wasn't long before we were once again walking sideways and laughin hard with jollerful cheer! Well done guys....

Monday has dawned, we have a few days practice and prep ready to hit the road on thursday, if you're near any of the venues on our gig listing come and say hello we love the craic with you all!!!!!!

Buckets of Love and wishing you all a merry week...

Opaque xx

Currently listening:
Dear Catastrophe Waitress
By Belle & Sebastian
Release date: 2003-10-06
Monday, December 01, 2008 

Current mood:  amorous
Category: Music

An Interview with Jockey Chang  part 2


Tonight’s gig was at King Tut’s in Glasgow. 

King Tut's throughout its twelve-year history has been host to bands including Radiohead, Blur, Travis, Pulp and The Verve before they reached the heights of music superstardom. It also hosted the first Scottish gigs for Beck, Crowded House and The Strokes, and created a piece of rock and roll history as the venue where Oasis were first spotted and signed in 1993!  Pulp, Suede, Gomez, Barenaked Ladies, Catatonia, Beck, Ash, Supergrass, the Charlatans, Deacon Blue, Rae & Christian and Mercury Rev have also rocked King Tut’s stage, it’s a legendary place to play in Scotland!

“Let’s Go”. We said for the umteinth time

We left for King Tut’s ahead of schedule as I wanted to go busking for beer money and Moony wanted to go for a brief walk in the highlands, we did neither!

What we did find along the way was Hadrian’s Wall, a wonderful piece of history built by the Roman Empire dating back to 122AD during the reign of the Roman Emperor Hadrian.  They used stone and earth to build this amazing divide between England and Scotland. It stretched across the entire width of Northern England. The wall was 117 kilometres long and took 6 years to build!  Unfortunately now there is little left of what was once a monumental wall, though you can still see the remains as you drive across northern England on certain routes. 

Check out the Hadrian’s Wall heritage sights online for more information. 

“Wow look at that” someone chirped with glee.

“That is so beautiful” Someone chirped back.

“We gotta stop there” we all chirped in agreement.

10 seconds later just over the bridge… “Yeah man, look there’s a coffee shop”

“Wicked I need some more warm food to get rid of this hangover” I pointed out.

“I’ve made us sandwiches and we’ve got crisps” Moons said in a pleased manner.

“Wicked, I gotta get something warm too”.

We had just crossed over a single track bridge going over a breathtaking scene.  A beautiful river ran below the bridge with natural carved hinges in the river bed.  There were small tussles of water fighting over narrowing edges creating calm mini rapids.  The river probably touched on 90ft wide.  On one side was a belt of well aged trees in full splendour.  On the other were green lands, the type you’d find cattle roaming.  We parked up in a coffee shop and nipped in.

“2 egg rolls and tea please” asked Rich.

The shop was quaint, so was the waitress frying our eggs. 

We left the car at the coffee shop and walked back over the bridge to get to the field side of the river.  ‘Private Property’ signs met us just at the top of a rambling track. 

I climbed over the fence heading towards the river with a little hesitation feeling I could be walking into a bull’s back garden and he could have been waiting for years for me to cross that fence.  Dismissal of signs often occurs when such beauty is so close to touch; is ignorance acceptable when it means touching Mother Nature’s fruits, I don’t know and to be honest, we didn’t care. 

I was ahead of the boys by twenty or so strides, I was first over the fence and got a third of the way to the river when I heard it…

“MMMOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

My heart froze.  Do I run forward and jump in the river to avoid the Bull that’s close behind me, I dared not to turn and face my enemy.  As I jumped in the air with surprise I made sure it was in the direction of the river and as my foot hit the ground I sprinted forward, my heart was going ten to the dozen, I had instant sweat beads, how could I get out of this? As I leapt forward I turned my head, eyes wide with anticipation…..

“YOU TWATS!” I shouted

Jimmy D and Benny T were laughing hard.

Jimmy D was the bull.

“That’s not funny dude I nearly jumped in the river”

They laughed harder.  After several minutes my heart rate dropped to normal and we were sat down dipping our feet and eating snacks.  Half an hour and an expired camera later and we were off back to the car.  Its Glasgow all the way now, King Tut’s here we come!

 

You never know what you’re going to find at legendary venues.  By this I mean you hear of the most famous places where all the greats have played through the years of popular music and you build mental images of the largest most spectacular stage in the world, it’s not like that in this game.

 

My first ever London gig was with my first band called The Weakend.  From months and months of building contact lists of venues, promoters and record company contacts we finally got a date to play at a venue in Islington, The Hope & Anchor, through Bugbear Promotions (Tel: 0207 7000550).  This was such a big moment for The Weakend as we were leaving the comforts of rehearsing in our living rooms and kitchens cheering “thank you Wembley” to each other as we finished each song, to now taking our music to the world, to London, and to the city you need to play if you’re gonna make it in music. We thought that then, some will tell you it’s true now. 

I’d read that the Hope & Anchor was very famous in the mid seventies as one of the must punk/rock venues to play, a few of the bands you’ll probably recognise that played the stage are The Police, Elvis Costello, The Stranglers, Madness, U2, The Cure, Joy Division and Ash.  The Weakend arrived all nervous but very excited and from what I remember Damo (our guitarist) had man flu.  We parked outside on the loading bay and went into the pub. 

It was a small pub on the corner of the high street, it looked smaller than expected but ce la vie.  We were soon informed that the venue was downstairs, that’s more like it, the famous amazing venue was just down these twenty something stairs.

It couldn’t have been further from what I thought a legendary venue would be. 

The room was about twenty feet wide on entrance and maybe triple the length.  It was dark lit with an equipment room’s walls laden with graffiti.  In the small main room was the world’s smallest stage in the corner which I doubted if even my drum kit would fit, and the place absolutely stunk of stale beer…  I loved it.  It’s hard to note why this place felt a bit spesh but I felt a little magic down there in this hole of a venue.  Maybe it was knowing it’s a reputable place to play, a place where A n R would go and sit and drink listening to bands they were tipped as potentials for a cash boost to get them on the ‘full time rock tour’, or maybe it’s knowing great musicians and co have walked on the same floors and racked up on the same bit of side wall.  I could speculate till the cows come home, it was what it was, and it still is what it is. If you want to play The Hope & Anchor ring Bugbear (Tel: 0207 7000550), Marrianna is very helpful. 

 

King Tut’s were very welcoming.

A table was arranged with fresh bread and menus for us. Upstairs was the backstage room with a fridge full of beers, water, juice, ginger beer and pepsi, there was also a shower, t.v. coffee machine, sofas and a table. 

Hamfatter were engulfed in poker.  I was engulfed in pockets full of beer, soon to be engulfed in a soup starter followed by a vegetarian pasta dish which, for five minutes of my life, rocked my world. 

Then we played – the gig sounded good. 

I was outside rolling up and a woman came and stood next to me and asked me for a light.

“Got a light?” she asked me.

“Yeah” I answered.

I gave her one. 

She hung in the spot for a few moments I could sense she was looking for some conversation from me.  I didn’t have any, I just wanted my roll up.  Then my lips farted.

“Do you come here often”.

It’s a bit of a shitter but I didn’t care I had no interest in flirting for a dip in her knickers.  Once the conversation started between us she kept looking at me like I was answering in a different language.  I stopped speaking, I couldn’t be arsed to feel like a twat for having crap convo.  Half an hour later and I’ve grabbed the last beer from tall fridge in the band room and sat down.  Outside the venue was a big sign mounted on the front wall with King Tut’s wah wah proudly protruding.  Opaque were all out front, we had a couple of band photo’s taken compliments of Rich Hill.  Some time later Mark steamed out front looking pissed off.

“You alright dude?” I asked.

He kinda shook his head in an, I’m not that fussed about speaking right now, kinda way.

“What’s the matter mate”

 “I’m pissed off”

I could tell.

“Why what happened”

“I’ll be alright”

He was soon on the phone to someone, I smoked my fag.  Our paths crossed ten minutes later, Mark was smiling, good. 

After the shows we hung around for a while then packed the van for our next dwelling for the eve.  We were staying in Edingburgh tonight at Jimbo and his partner Abbeys house about an hour away. Jimbo is a Scottish dude, he does well to live in Edingburgh and play with the boys based in Cambridge.  I like his style. 

Due to space restrictions back at their house the group was split into two, half of the group went to Jimbo’s and Me, Arms, Rainbow, Jimmy D, Benny T and Rich Hill went to a spare flat which was being viewed at 10 or 11 the next morning so we were politely asked not to fuck it up!  ASIF we’d do anything like that.  The first floor flat was quite spacious, It looked quite new and still had a t.v. and video unit in it as well as some shopping in a bag in the kitchen and a set of golf clubs next to the window in the living room.  From the window were views of Street lamps, a road and some other flat blocks.  It felt good here.  Moony, Rich Hill and Arms shot-gunned the bedroom and we were rulers of the kingdom of the living room.  I was agitated and in serious need of some physical and mental stimulation, I paced wondering what there was I could do, fighting the boys wasn’t an option as one of us normally ends up with a body part not working quite as well as it did before, and we need our limbs for the next few days at least, so what could appease my edge.  Within minutes I was playing ‘try to get the toilet roll onto the office chair with a nine iron’ game.  Rich Hill joined in with his Handicap of 11.  We couldn’t do it, mainly due to the fact that there was 6 feet between us and the office chair, and the jejectory required was hard to obtain from the force required for distance. Hitting a toilet roll off the ground with a 9 iron to make it sit just 6 feet away on a chair is a mean feat.  I took a few tips on my Driver swing, it wasn’t long before the boys convinced me that swinging a huge golf club at 80 miles an hour in a flat was a bad idea.  After a moments thought I couldn’t disagree.  Me and T-bag nipped out for a swift smoke before getting our heads down.

 

There is a phase between sleep and awake, sometimes it is very hard to differentiate between dream and reality.  I was in this half way house when I heard it;

‘wwwhhhhhhhgooooooooooom, bbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr’

“What the fuck is that?” I said out loud

The room was very dark.  I could barely see my hands in front of my face. Rainbow Jo was also woken.

“I don’t know it just started it might be the‘Tele’ or something”

The t.v. was off but underneath it was what appeared to be a digital recorder type devise.

“Is it that thing” Jo inquisantly caughed.

“yeah probably” I inquisantly answered

We pushed lots of buttons in a typical male fix it fashion but the sound kept whirling.

“The plug” I said

“I’ll get it” Said Jo

“Can you see it”

“Uurrgh, yeah got it”  pop.

[SILENCE]

“aaarrggh, good shot” I commended his fumbling skills.

“Night man”

“Night”

We slept.

The morning sun shone through the window, we had half an hour to restore the flat and get the fuck out.  I could imagine it, an estate agent man in a suit with a clip board coming to show a new couple to one of their ‘prestige flats in a wonderful location in the city’, as the door opens they see a floor full of beer cans, and stinking guys in a fart cloud stretched all over the floor making grunting sounds whilst wheezing in their sleep. SOLD!

Jimbo came round and took us back to his home to wake up with the other half of our party.  The place was really nice.  Abbey and Jimbo made Vegetarian Sausage Baps, Eggs, Toast and Tea for the clan, it was proper lush, it was a welcomed surprise to have had good warm breakfasts each day so far, we were living like kings and I felt it.  There was none of the ‘eat breakfast while you shop’ antics that I’ve so often had to embrace.  

The sun was shining we had been blessed with yet another gorgeous day to fulfil.  I noticed above the sink there was a china plaque 12” x 12” approx.  It was a ‘my first prints’ of their little son’s hands and feet, he is just over a year old. 

We all ate and talked, drunk tea and scratched our heads. 

Jack entered the living room with;

“Has anyone got a needle and thread?”

I had a look in my bag, I’d bought some specifically to sew my button back on my shorts, since then the needles had vanished.

“What’s it for?” I asked.

Jack turned around and bent over, slightly cocking his left leg.

“ooow” i laughed.

He had a massive whole in his ass.  The seam on Jacks Jeans it seems couldn’t hack the pace, the jean company obviously hadn’t catered for the power of Jack’s trumpet. 

“I have a couple of spare pairs if there any good to you”. I said.

Like a Debenham’s show boy I displayed Jacks options from my holdall. 

“There’s these, or a pair of shorts I’ve already worn, or these jeans?”
The jeans were very new.

“Are you sure that it’s ok to borrow a pair?”

“Of coarse dude your jeans are fucked, any of them is fine I have a few pairs”

“I’d probably say the jeans if that’s ok” favoured Jack

“Here, no worries”

“Thanks, I’ll sort you them out on Saturday” he smiled (Saturday is the last date of the tour)

“Cool”.

Jack is about a foot shorter than me, the jeans just about fit with a belt and the legs rolled up. 

I went and smoked a fag on the top of the concrete stairs outside the front door, the stairs led down to a little alley where about twenty other houses stairs met.  Just 10 feet from the alley was the side road.  I finished my burn and went back inside and hung out in the kitchen, Eoin had just woken. He was well pissed last night.  I drove back in the van with the Hamfatter crew, one minute Eoin was sat next to me in the front, the next thing I saw was his knees fly by me as he dove in the back of the van crowd surfing the knees of the front row rear passengers.  I didn’t know what was going on I was swaying more than the van but it sounded fun. 

Eoin woke up with smiles despite being a one man brewery the night before.  I made him an egg roll, without butter, and a cup of black coffee to kick start his day.  He was quite quiet through a lot of our week together.  I take him as a thinker, always thinking about what’s going on and the next thing he’ll be doing. 

 

Just after breakfast at Jimbo’s something bad happened;

I’m minding my own business staring in the kettle/frying pan direction when

[SSSSSSSSMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

My shoulders raised, your body goes into that strange position sometimes with a loud noise, your shoulders head up towards your ears and your arms come up into the Michael Jackson ‘Thriller’ position.  Speaking of Arms he was also in the room near the door and Joe had his hands in the sink washing a few plates.  I spun on the spot and looked down.  The horror hit me, it was the ‘my first prints’ plaque.  My hands cupped my mouth and my eyes stretched just like in the films as I let out an “oooooooh ssshhhhhiiiiitt” in a whisper.

Joe turned around he thought a plate had fallen off of the side board.  Arms new what it was. 

“oh my god, oh fuck” I whispered

I was gutted but poor Arms stomach must have been in the flat below and his heart in the flat above.  The plaque that had smashed once sat upon two nails loosely hammered into the wooden architrave beside the kitchen window.  Arms noticed the angle of the nails was only slightly above the 45 degree angle required to hold a plaque against a wall.  He pushed the nail in a bit more with his fingers for a better angle and tighter fixing.  As he turned and walked away the nail dropped below 45 degrees, and plaque had a swift introduction to floor.  It smashed into pieces.  If you’ve ever had kids you’ll know that things like kids first prints are priceless, even if you haven’t had kids you’re probably aware of the sentimental value something like that holds as they are true ‘one-offs’ and are made from the stuff most and closest in ones heart.  Not that this was a time to lay guilt on poor Arms, to be honest it was probably due to fall sometime soon anyway.  I was amazed it had stayed up there for that long, any way, what how when where and why were not the issues before us, the issue was how the fuck do we tell Abbey and Jimbo we’d smashed their priceless plaque? 

I thought Jimbo would be gutted, but I thought it was going to really upset Abbey, I was sad even thinking about her seeing it.  Arms took the notion to go and call Jimbo into the kitchen with the classic…

“urgh Jimbo, can I have a word?”

“yeh sure”

Jimbo looked a bit curious, his eyes told the story. 

I was waiting for a few of us to be swiftly evicted through the kitchen window, thankfully Jimbo kept his cool.

“I think we can stick it together” said Arms

Fortunately each foot and hand had smashed into its own section, not in their entirety but it was possibly the best smash that could have happened.  Jimbo went and got Abbey, the mum of the young artist. 

I needn’t tell you she was gutted, Arms explained why and how it happened and also that is was salvageable due to the good nature of the smash.  Joe stood there quietly at the sink, sensibly. 

This took me back to a similar thing that happened years ago.  As teenagers a group of us were round my friend Damon’s house in Orton Malborne in Peterborough.  Damon used to do freestyle karate and had the pads so we used to spar, it was all good fun.  One day we were in his living room, it was me verses Hick, we could only find one pair of boxing mitts so I took the left hand and he took the right. 

Jab, jab, dodge…………SMASH!
”Of fuck in hell dude look what you did” someone shouted at Hick

“It wasn’t me” Hick said

“It wasn’t me” I said

“You knocked it with your shoulder” I said to Hick

“You hit me towards it” He said back

On the floor lay what once was an ornamental plate that faced the room from the shelf.

“Where can we get one of these from Damon?” I was hoping he could say “ah we’ve got three, the others are just in that drawer” but of coarse there were no spares.

“Dunno, maybe a magazine, I’m not sure” replied Damon.

We picked up the pieces.  Damon’s dad was a cool cat, Over the years he’s been nicknamed different things but my favourite was Dave ‘The Pen’ Macdonald, he likes to write.  Under the advice of Damon we thought it best to not say anything and see if ‘The Pen’ noticed. 

He noticed. 

“Where’s that ornamental plate Damon?” asked Dave.

“What plate” said Damon

“The one on that shelf” served Dave
”I don’t know what your talking about dad”

“Well it can’t just disappear”

I was a sucker for the truth as a child, a few times things had been broken round at Damon’s and I would buckle in no time and part with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, well, something like that. 

Once upon a time we fought over who was going to use the downstairs toilet first, instead of offering it each other we ended up in a full scale wrestling match in this down scale ring.  Damon had secured him self with his arse on the sink, one foot on my back and the other doing twirls, I was facing the door pushing back with every last bit of might I had to try to secure my place on the toilet.

“wwhhhump”

“Wait Gav”

“WHOOOOMMP”

“SHIT”

Water started gushing out from behind the sink. 

“What shall we do?” we both stared clueless.

“Ask the neighbours, they’ll know”

We were two schoolboys with an elemental knowledge of domestic plumbing and in a new situation such as this, we were fit for nothing but bad language and knocking for help.  It was a good five minutes before the main inlet tap was turned off by which time the downstairs hallway was flooded as was the kitchen slightly, thankfully they had kitchen tiles.  We borrowed a VAX machine from the neighbour, we planned to soak up the water from the floors and carpet, put the carpet outside to dry and put it back to rights before Barbara came home.  Barbara, Damon’s mum, was such a beautiful woman, so lovely, but if she caught wind of this we thought we’d get a proper bollocking.  We couldn’t dry the carpet in time but we drained the excess water out of it and laid it back in the hallway, and we couldn’t fix the sink either so we had only one option.  Fib. 

Before Barbara could ask we came out with it.

“I was just washing my hands and the sink fell off the wall” Damon presented with sincerity.

I still laugh now when I think about it. 

“Fell off the wall?”

“Yeh I’d just been to the toilet and as I was washing my hands I turned the tap on and the sink fell off the wall and water started spraying everywhere” said Damon

“Gavin what happened”

“mm what he said, yeh”

“Ok we’ll ring the council and ask if they’ll come and fix it”

They came the same day as the house was without water, Damon and I were stood in the doorway watching the man fix the sink thinking ‘fuck we got out of this one by the skin of our teeth’. 

“Blimey, you must have been jumping on this to pull this off the wall like this” said the intrigued plumber.

We both looked at each other with half smiles.

“Nah, it just fell off we just washed our hands”

Thinking back the guy must have known we’d been pratting about, but he mended it all the same.  Accidents happen.

 

Arms and I poodled down to the local supermarket where we found Super glue.  We got back to the house and Arms begun the task of sticking the ‘my first plaque’ together.  We (Opaque) said our good byes and headed for Edinburgh centre for a quick look around and a photo with the bagpipe man [pictured]. As the other boys busked I found a beautiful harpist.  The harp is so beautiful, admittedly so are normally the ladies playing them, but what it comes down to is a magical tone from the strings, they make you laugh, and by spectrum they’ll make you cry.  I got ten minutes shut eye string drunk then headed back over to the boys who’d found a nice arch under which they busked on the main street drag in Edinburgh centre. 

We sunk a beer in the nearest bar on another sunny day, sat on a table outside next to the footpath. My chair was just into the lines of the streaming people walking by.  I had the hot seat.  If you imagine being a turtle floating in the clear blue oceans in the midst of shoals of fish swimming past, in the opposite direction,  I was that turtle on Edinburgh high street.  After fishing for half an hour we left the café-bar, jumped in the car and headed back into England for our next show at Fibbers in York.  

We got there late and the management were flapping about us having to go on first because we had missed soundcheck. 

No we are not driving around the country to play to one deaf guy at the bar! 

“We’re billed on for 9 15 mate its only 8 we’ll line check and play at our billed time”

“The local support have gone off now though, cause you wasn’t here we told em they can have your slot”

BOLLOCKS!  We disapproved and recommended they try to contact the band to get there asses back to the venue and get on stage in 15 minutes but they we not obtainable.

We were left with a choice to do nothing but play at 8 15 to the deaf guy.  Oh well shit happens sometimes! He clapped all the same.  As we played it slowly filled.

 

The local guys that swooped our spot (and we think all the beers too) had a pretty full room to play to.  What was there name again?? They were nice guys backstage, filling Benny T and I with generous quantities of Jack Daniels straight from the bottle neck.  For three minutes of their gig they gave the crowd drums, bass and guitars with the repeated vocal – “know what I’m sayin”, “you know what I’m saying”.  We laughed hard, not because it was shit, it was just funny, and I was mesmerised by the size of the drummer.  I hadn’t seen them before they got on stage, I came in when they were a song into their show, I kept pointing out to Benny and Rich how huge the drummer was.  I’d never seen such a big musician, every time he hit the cymbals the room shook, I mean this guy was a hard hitter, no retreat, no surrender and definitely no prisoners.  He was hitting like it was the new and last source of renewable energy.  I laughed with amazement at the power and size of this guy.  The Drum kit appeared like a child’s toy version from toys R us.  I repeatedly commented on how enormous this guy looked.  The band finished and when they came back stage I realised what a big bastard I am, I was taller than this giant, sometimes you forget. 

 

Hamfatter rocked again, Its Labrador shit man.

Moony had other commitments tonight involving driving back to Peterborough with Jimmy D. Benny and I were far from ready to head back to the Boro, with one more night out on the road and the mini tour finale tomorrow in Cambridge’s Soul Tree.  We cleared the decks after the show and jumped in the van with the Hamf Crew heading for Wakefield, tonight we were heading to Bill, Michelle’s and Nanny Jimbo’s. 

Nanny Jimbo lived in a beautiful flat on the ground floor of their splendour of a home.  Bill and I drunk beer, well I drunk beer, lots and lots of beer, and we talked about music and the fish that swam in circles at the top of the stairs next to the guitar amps and effects pedals, Bill’s a cool guy, a guitarist/bass player too.  I started to flag and I could see the wrong side of my eyes as they rolled, as much as I didn’t want to be rude by leaving any hospitable beers left, I could drink no more.

They had a tiny child size piano built by Bills granddad in the upstairs hallway.  Despite begging for a restoration it still sang a little tune, Benny was enthralled and enjoyed a wee tinkle before we were shown to our sleeping quarters.  Half of us were shown to beds upstairs and the rest of us were shown downstairs to Nanny’s flat, we tip toed around like teenagers trying to sneak in at night, we were directed to the last room in the hallway. It had original dated oil paintings on the walls, an adult size piano, a few trinkets, two blow up beds and a setee.  Rainbow Jo and I claimed the blow ups as Benny snuggled into the sofa.  Just before we slept T-bag and I found our way back into the courtyard for one last puff.  We slept.  

We met Nanny in the hall the following morning;

“You’re the quitest rock band I’ve ever met” she remarked.

I laughed but almost felt failed as a wanna be rock star.

Where was the enormous pile of cocaine?

Where were the numerous ladies flashing?

Where were the arrests?

Where was the violent vomiting and waking up in bushes in the completely wrong towns??

It’s happened before, and I’m sure it is only round the corner but for this venture, we were good grandchildren.

Benny, Rainbow Jo and I walked our feast of vegetarian and sausage sandwiches off with a gentle stroll to find a nearby mill which was “just down the road there”.  After half an hours walk we come to the conclusion it was “just down the other road”.

 What we did find was a sheared rock face overlooking miles and miles of farmland with the clash of industrial units which from afar looked a little like a train docking station.  With a little squint, a mile high signal receiver stretched high into the clouds on a far away field.  Behind us sat the rock face with a decades worth of spray paint blanketing its jagged edges.  At the very top of the rock face HOLLYWOOD was cast in bright letters.  We climbed to the top.  We climbed back down. 

Our good byes came soon after our return to Bill and Michelle’s and Nanny Jimbo’s and a brief gathering for some group photo’s together left us with one voyage left to end this week.  In two and a half hours time we will be in Cambridge’s Soul Tree sound checking for the homecoming.  There were roomers of Soul Tree being sold out for Hamfatter’s big return to their home town after their two week tour and we had some friends coming up which was excitable, but the looming end to this week was quite sad.  I love being on the road, I hate four walls surrounding me and during the drive back to Cambridgeshire I couldn’t help but feel and know that soon our adventure was soon to end.  Sad feelings were quickly put in the side pocket, there is no room for negative to seep in yet, we still had one last show of the week and we were going to make sure that we rocked it to the hilt!  We arrived in good time.  Free beers and a bar top of varying snacks greeted us at the 2nd floor venue.  Our friends Fre3 piece, a top hip hop/mellow groove band, arrived from London ready for their show tonight, they seemed in good spirits.  Check out www.myspace.com/fre3peace for some of their funkygrooveliscious music.

We all rocked it tonight, the crowd loved it, energy breeds energy and as a finale goes, it was a brilliant end to a most enjoyable week on the road.  Jamie Turner did a wonderful job arranging this tour and in getting Hamfatter to where they were now with doors opening for a prospective future for them in music.  Arms was a natural tour manager, at only twenty two years old I hope to see this guy filling this role again, superglue included. To Rainbow Jo, smoke on man! 

After sharing a week with these guys I was very hopeful they would be successful in their plight, good guys, good music, good laughs and good memories, Hasta Luego Compañeros.

 

 

Jamie, I need my pillow m8.

 

Eoin, my tuner dude.

 

and Jack if your reading this, I need my jeans man.

 

 

Till Then....X


                                         chops '08

Currently reading:
Restless
By William Boyd
Monday, December 01, 2008 

Current mood:  aroused
Category: Music

An Interview with Jockey Chang   Part 1

 

Normally the sound coming out of my alarm in the morning fills me with enough rage to do the classic “lean over and slap it till it shuts up’ technique, but this morning was different.  I instantly smiled with thoughts of what the week ahead will bring, fun, laughs, music and maybe an adventure or two.

It was 7:50 am and after a cup of tea and a lung full of tar we were ready. Due to the fact we were going on tour for a week through England and Scotland we though it best to squeeze a little practice in as it was something we had managed to omit from our weeks, maybe even months prior. However we did gig quite a bit so we weren’t complete cocks about it. 

The original plan was to share a bus with our fellow tourers Hamfatter, who I’d not met yet, but we just found out our 17 seater mini bus was only insured to take 9 butts.  Maybe due to the fact we cut out the other 8 seats for storage space, Clever.  So now we will take a car.  The driving was to be shared between Opaque and Hamfatter drivers, for some reason my name was left of the ‘who can drive’ list, I’ll keep quiet for now. 

The journey to London was standard, including aromatic crispy herb, a favoured dish from the local take away, which always leaves the windows smoky. 

During the journey I remembered to Moony, Benny T, Jimmy D and Rich Hill about one of the weeks I spent in Spain last year. 

La Latina was a real life living set for Knightrider, with its amazing retro buildings, all I needed was a leather jacket and a pea sized amount of ‘Hasslehoff Hair Wax’ to blend in this living 80’s film set.  La Latina walked with two fingers up at the ‘polished reflection’ look other cities of the world carry, and the people their also regularly excersice the ‘V’  with their constant smoking in the bars, clubs and tubs despite the no smoking ban Spanish governments brought in 2006. 

Introduced by the Spanish socialist party, bans in most places were lawed but the people maintained the excemption of a smoking ban in pubs, clubs and other public places smaller than 100 m².  Bring that shit to England! Saying that I’d like to quit so fuck it. My lungs, my life. 

We arrived in London in good time, actually it was the earliest we had ever got to a soundcheck, we were only half an hour late.  We were all excited about tonights gig at The Borderline club, we had a full crowd reception the last time we’d played here.  That was when we could smoke on stage, now they’ve taken the ‘roll’ out of ‘rock n roll’, bastards! [hypocrosy]

 

It’s always nice and just to get ryders, Hamfatters ryder included;

6 x non alcoholic beers

Fresh bread – uncut

Sparkling water

Ale

Beers

Plus other stuff I didn’t read.

 

Protocol inhabits me on arrival at any venue to find venue management and source our alcoholic “refreshments”.  On the whole venues are rarely hospitable but The Borderline are good for supplying go go juice, in the form of two big buckets filled with bottles of beers on ice, and water.

I introduced myself to the Hamfatter boys, they seemed like a friendly bunch, no huge ego’s on show which is always a bonus.  Egos with me are like vegan milk to coffee, a really bad mix.  We were looking forward to this evening’s gig and to the days that followed. 

The place was rammed it was brilliant! We played well, although it didn’t feel as comfy as the last time.  Sometimes you just sink in on the stage – like a sofa that wraps its leather around you.  Saying that the sound was great and the monitors kicked out a good mix of all of us which is vital for a good performance.  I like to have everything really fucking loud blasting in my ears during a gig, it’s the only way I can fly off into music land for half an hour or so. Some bass players love the sound of the bass above everything, On the other hand as much as I love my trousers shaking with low frequency vibrations, I like it best when the kick, hats and snare rip through the air. 

At this stage for you, the reader, I’ll introduce our band. 

We have been mistaken for Opurk, and one time as Obscene……. but we are OPAQUE…..made up of the following ingredients:

 

Moony – Songwriter, acoustic guitar, Vox.

Benny T – Micro korg, sequencers, melody horn, wild hair and backing vox.

Jimmy D – Drums, percussion and an “I won’t sell you lighter fluid” kinda look.

And me, Chops, with a bass wrapped over my shoulder for this gig.

 

I caught the last of Hamfatters set which was the first I’d heard these boys.  I knew they had had the hype on television and radio.  Was it what I expected? I didn’t know what to expect, it didn’t grab my balls and squeeze juice from ‘em but I did like it. 

 

After the gig Jimmy D and I were where we so often are, sitting outside filling our lungs with good old tar.  A man came over looking for a light. He was the main promoter for Metropolitan club night, about 5 ft 7 with short dark hair un-waxed.  He’d had an interview with Jockey Chang the night before and even after sinking yet another espresso with us it was clear to see the events of the night prior had left him hanging out of his arse, a nice guy none the less.  Once we’d sunk all the beers and finished all our surplus beers from the local shop we said our goodnights, slapped some hands, touched some knuckles, and went home.  I slept like a log.  Love me, love my log.

 

Tuesday had a day break with one quest and one quest only; for me only to source funds for the rest of the week on the road.   I was on the point of a financial meltdown and in addition to this it was a certain special ladies birthday in a few days time.  Lady luck found me, the day went well and I slept like a log.  Love me, love my log.

 

It’s Wednesday now and after the ritual tea and a lung full we were ready.  I like my tea quite strong with one sugar.  Newcastle is today’s venture; I’m heading out for a quick coffee with friends before we hit the road.

Coffee from the Cornish pasty shop is always delightful.  I followed it with an emergency shop/gathering stint for the items on my list which read:

 

1 x The Stage

2 x Disposable Cameras

Needle & Thread (for my shorts, my six pack popped the button off)

1 x Seven Troop (Andy Mcnabs latest book)

1 x Independent

1 x toilet roll + nibbles + water

plectrums

Bass guitar

Suitcase of hardware

Clothing

Wax/brush/roll on/spray/soap

 

It is now 1 something pm – we are back on the road after stopping off at a shop to get the largest bag of onions for Moony’s mum, who I’ll also add had prepared a really nice days lunch and dinner for us boys.  Five hours ahead of us till we hit Newcastle, we’ll be an hour or so later than scheduled.. 

 

“There’s already a massive crowd outside the doors!” [of the Carling Academy]

Our car doors opened then Benny T cupped his mouth. 

“oooohhh nooooooo” Benny T muffled through his fingers.

“Whats wrong?” I said

“ooooohh nooooo”

“Whats wrong dude, you pissin about?”

“I can’t say it”

“What?”

“I can’t”

“Fuck sake what dude?”

“I’ve left my keyboard at home”

“Fuck dude your shittin me”

He Wasn’t.  We had just driven 4 hours to Newcastle and arrived just in time for the sound check, due to play in two and a half hours and Benny just realised, due to a rush to leave apparently, that his main tool was sitting in The Red Room (his recording studio) at the Glass Onion.  “SHIT”. As for playing the gig we were still able, but would it be the same? Definitely Not.  If you have heard Opaque you will know an integral part of our sound is from Benny T and his magic tools with his incredibly adapt fingers. [Super T]

Due to time factors going back for it was no option, it seemed impossible to get it hear in time and after speaking to UPS it seemed almost impossible to get it even for tomorrows showcase at King Tutt’s in Glasgow! This was a bleak few minutes.  “Think, think” we thought.

“We could stick it on a train from Peterborough on carriage H and someone run on and grab it in Newcastle?” said Rich Hill our friend.

“It’ll get nicked or blown up in the anti terrorist lonely package law stuff”  I said.

“We could drive back tonight after the gig then drive to Scotland” Moony un-passionately shared.

“Fuck that” I added.

I telephoned Dolphin music store at the nearby shopping centre; they had one on display, it wouldn’t turn on when they checked it! No luck.

“Let’s ask Jorje Gomez”. Benny suggested.

Jorje Gomez is a mate back home a.k.a ‘Crazy Mexican’.  He has long black furry curly hair, a beard to suit and he’s Mexican dark. Antonio Banderas is to ‘Once Upon a Time in New Mexico’ as to what Jorje Gomez is to Peterborough.  Jorje is without a doubt our ‘Mexican legend’ hailed from Mexico City.

I made a quick phone call to train time info (08457484950) and found out a train leaves Peterborough in 29 minutes and arrives in Newcastle twenty minutes before tonight’s show.  Although it seemed pretty bleak that we’d get the keys (slang term for keyboard) here for tonight’s show I couldn’t help feel it could and would happen. We had a chance to rock full on and it all lay within Jorge’s grasp. 

Pj (a friend back home) is another integral part of this plan.  He took the challenge to pick up Jorje Gomez then go to the Red Room Studios then get Gomez on a train ALL WITHIN 29 MINUTES

“Go on P.J fly like the wind” I thought with fists clenched punching towards the ground.

‘Time check’ 18:09; It gives us 7 minutes before the train leaves and hopefully it will have Gomez and the Keys on it. I thumbed in his numbers and called him. 

JORJE where you at?”

“At the station Chops, P.J had to go home he left his card at home” he said in a Mexican accent

“No Shit, Jorge listen to me you need to get on the train now you can’t wait for a ticket if you wait you’ll miss it get on it now”

“But I haven’t got a ticket Chops”

“Fuck the ticket if you don’t get on that train you won’t be here in time get on the train”

“I’ll get on the next one”

I was very anxious in tone with desperation for an understanding from the other end of the telephone line.

“The next one doesn’t get in for an hour it will be too late, you can do this Jorje, only you can do this but you have to jump on the train now”

“But Chops, the guards are there”

“Fuck the guards, jump on the train I’ll call you in a couple of minutes and tell you what to do when they come round. It’s easy.  E = MC JUMP.

OK I’ll get on now” Jorje said.

“WICKED, DO IT NOW BEFORE IT GOES” I said.

It was now 18.15.  Benny T and I were wide eyed and hearts a pounding, almost hopping on the spot, the thrill was almost too intense to take, this was it, this was the moment that would decide if Opaque were playing with a full deck of cards tonight at the Carling Academy.

I watched my time piece 18:16….18:17….still no call back, time to call again.

“You on it mate?”

“No”

“NO!?!”

“No I was gonna get on and P.J came through the doors so we’re here getting a ticket” he calmly explained.

“Is the train still there?”

“Hah, it just went”

“DUDE YOU NEEDED TO GET ON THAT FUCKING TRAIN! YOU NEEDED TO GET ON THAT TRAIN”

I never done it without a ticket before Chopper, I saw the guards and I couldn’t, I should have jumped on it enit, I could have done I spose, hahaha

“YOU COULD HAVE DONE, FUCK!!.....[silence]…… Ok, sorry mate I don’t mean to shout don’t worry about it”

“Sorry Chops”

“Don’t worry dude, it’s not your fault sorry I’m shouting I’m pumped with it all, don’t worry it’s all good, get on the next one at 19:30 we’ll see you at about half nine.  love to P.j. we’ll see you soon”.

Well that was that, you’ve just got to pick your chin up in these situations and get on with it, where’s the beers!

 

We played to a hundred or so crowd with clumps of it pushed up against the crowd barrier.  They were dancing and jigging and were loving what we were putting out.  The set was going well when we got the message telling us we had two songs left to play when all of a sudden Benny T was on the stage in front of me desperately trying to find somewhere to plug in his leads…

Jorje had made it!

Ok it might me a few minutes late but he’d ran from Newcastle train station and got to us in the nick of time to play our last two crowd rockers with Benny T.  What a legend! 

Our show finished and I went out for a customary lung full then returned to the venue to see Hamfatter’s show. 

This was the second time I’d heard them, the band that had won £75,000 on Dragons Den that had been on t.v and radio.  I loved this set, Mondays show was ok, but tonight it was fucking awesome. 

Hamfatters music IS quality and they all look like the stage is second nature.  All of the guys were loving it and by the thoughtless rocking I was strutting it was clear that I too was now a fan of these guys music, after only two shows I had already fallen for their single ‘The Girl I Love’.  I was impressed by Eoin’s singing whilst playing some technical bass lines, he seemed content up there and the fans seemed more than content dancing their asses off.  The Horns of Contention are a brilliant horn section, smiley, bouncy and remarkable in each of their own rights.  There were a couple of songs when they went absolutely wild filling the room through horny speakers, it was just brilliant. 

Eoin’s voice is quite distinctive, very warming.  Maybe likened to a mix between Neil Hannon in his early days (Devine Comedy), Thom York (Radiohead) & Paul Smith (Maximo Park). It’s a tough one but I think they are reasonable comparisons to mix. Listen to Hamfatter and make up your own minds, check them out!

_____________________________________________________________________

 

The press have given these guys the thumbs up, here are a few of the headlines; 

 

Constantly refreshing…If only they’d hog the limelight a little more, cult collosaldom would be assured. – The Fly

 

Hamfatter carry an arsenal of power-pop nuggets including the amazing ‘Sziget’ which deserves to be a hit. – NME

 

Gleefully bounding indie pop… Effervescent, Pavement style clatter and the skipping earnest shimmies of Once Around The Block era Badly Drawn Boy….A delightfully fresh album. – Metro

 

A hugely entertaining listen.  Hamfatter’s sonic palette includes indie rock, Sixties pop, horns, strings and, above all, style 4/5. – The Sun

 

Hamfatter are as refreshing as a lemon sorbet in the Kalahari desert. – HI–FI News

 

I’ve never liked any band so much in my life. – Cakespank.co.uk

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If you’re near a computer type this in now www.myspace.com/hamfatter, scroll down the page until you see the video for ‘The Girl I Love’ and press play, you may recognise the guys from Cambridge and if you know Cambridge you may recognise the location.  The Girl I Love is such a good tune, me and the boys were whistling it for days on end, it’s a brilliant catchy song with great hooks and there are other just brilliant tracks.

 

This is a good time to introduce our partners in crime on tour, the band that we were happily supporting through this week… Hamfatter. 

Their ingredients are;

 

Eoin – Songs, Vox & Bass

Jimbo – Electric Guitars

Mark – Drums

Tommy – Saxophone

Jack – Trumpet

Joe – Trombone

Jamie Turner – Hamfatter’s/Our Management

Arms –Tour Manager

Rainbow Jo – Sound technician

 

After tonights show at the Carling Academy in Newcastle we drove about twenty miles to our temporary home for the eve, we were kindly put up by Jamie’s partner Debs, who did a marvellous job of baking cookies amidst the beers and squalor which flew about.  Her cookies were yummy. 

Due to Gomez needing to be back at work in the morning, in a new job that he couldn’t pass a day on, Jamie and I left the party at three am and dropped Jorje off at the train station to catch the 04:20 train home.  We ensured he was suitably intoxicated for his journey ahead.  It was sad he couldn’t join us for the rest of the tour but needs must and I admired his will for needs must

 

We got back to the house about an hour later, lights were off and all were sleeping. Just before my beauty sleep I had the urge for a lung full…

Roll up or cigarette?

 

Roll up or Cigarette?

 

You get a better lung full with a roll up.

But it takes longer to roll, especially when you’re pissed.

But after a cigarette I always feel the need for an immediate second.

Whatever. I had a roll up.

 

After my roll up I found a gap on the floor just wide enough for me to squeeze in and share Jack’s body heat.  I had looked for my sleeping bag but I soon discovered during my absence that ‘Jimmy D pirate’ had commandeered it. It was going to be a long few hours. I felt like Andy McNab on his second night in Baghdad lying in a foot of snow without movement.  He too had seven other friends to share body heat with. 

I swiftly whipped my pillow from Benny T’s head, unnoticed, and used it as a very small quilt which, to my surprise, made an unbelievable difference to my temperature. You wouldn’t think that a pillow could be suitable for a body warming task and with most pillows I suppose you’d be right, but not this one. 

 

Size: 50 x 75cm

19.5” x 29.5”

Filling: Siberian Half White Goose Down with Duck Feather Core.

 

Thursday morning; it took an hour for us to work out how to put the hot water on so the clean ones could shower, Jimmy D soon reminded me that “deodorant spray is a shower in a can”.  I laughed that was so funny.  

The morning was great. Jamie and Debs made Scrambled Egg, Toast, Beans, Mushrooms and Tea for us all.  As soon as the word “READY” left the giver of good news’s lips, ‘the loungers’ moved fast as light. We went from a room of sprawled lounging boys to a nice orderly breakfast queue in seconds.  It was lovely to have a warm belly to start the day.  After a walk to the shop with Arms, Rainbow Jo, Jimmy D pirate, and Benny T, we said our goodbyes and Opaque set off North just ahead of Hamfatter.

Currently reading:
Pride and Prejudice (Penguin Classics)
By Jane Austen