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I can't be a madman when I am a woman You will know me by the scars I left

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Breeder of Chaos™



Last Updated: 12/19/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 20
Sign: Aquarius

State: California
Country: US
Signup Date: 7/27/2005

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Night Walker Art

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Saturday, June 27, 2009 

Current mood:  angry
Another night here in my very own Limbo. I've wanted to die since I was a child. I can feel myself slipping away while I tremble from trying to hold on for so long. Every day that comes is more time for me to weep- for every reason but my own. I'm still here according to all of you. That means the disguise is working. You think you can see me when I smile or look into nothing, but I come back before you could ever realize I was gone... He said it would all go away, if I would only love Him.

The days pass by as they normally would, but I can never tell them apart. I can no longer deny the urge to tear the skin away from myself. To feel the burn as my deeper layers are exposed to the air it’s protected from. I want to breath smoke to allow the ash to destroy the delicate tissue that lies within. I want to crack the bone cage in my torso into thousands of tiny shards and allow my organs to collapse. To reach inside and dissect myself in ways others would never dare. I am at the point where I have the urge to carve all the meat from my bones. I'm suffocating in the body holding me here. The heat with every exhale, using up air that I hate to waste for my petty existence... I am here on the behalf of the Perfect God that refuses to show his face. To remind you to savor what you have sense He could take it all away with no remorse or second thought. I wish he could for me...
I am watching the lizards slither from shadow to shadow. How they do what they won’t allow. The hypocritical gospel made for the soul benefit of the King. Raising taxes for his gold forks and whores. Oh, I am here to represent the imperfections of a tedious God. I am the result of the imagination of mass destruction and doomed to be the lab rat for future scientists. I have told you before that you don’t know pain until you’ve seen me. I'm watching the word's meaning slowly lose their sway. How no one can understand what I'm saying, even though we speak the same language. Here is where I can see the future. Where all the ghosts of my past catch up to me in time to make Hell seem too real while I cover myself in leather and powder residue of narcotics.

Because I know I’m dying I can feel everything as if they were closer, louder, stronger and more profound in every single way. I am here on the behalf of a God that would spare me from it all if I would only love him. But this pain is too great for me to keep my eyes fixed on the God that would leave me behind if I cannot keep up my focus. If I cannot sustain the balance to follow in his narrow footsteps. According to Him, I have been given a gift. How pain can be a gift is beyond me. No, this is only a curse given to me from a miscalculation made by a Perfect and Almighty being.

My soul is in peril because I refuse to fall to my knees and serve the one who gave me this pain. Who has oppressed me my entire life and has hindered me from being who I really am. Oh yes, I am here on the behalf of the Perfect God that refuses to show his face…. The days pass as they normally would, with sunrise and sunset. But this means very little to me, now. And I am here to stand up and refuse Him the power he demands. The power he was able to keep, until he made me…
8:37 AM 
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Friday, May 15, 2009 

I’m trading dreams for the small desires of man
To capture and enslave the mind
To lock you in Hell without a sense of time.
You must stab out your eyes to save your life
Lay them before me before you leave
Don’t say you had ‘no choice’

I’m selling souls for the fears of man
To capture and enslave the mind
To lock you in Hell without a sense of time
Now wonder the earth and tell tales of strife
Condemn your sentence, do what you please
But don’t say you had ‘no choice’

The lack of sight bring tears to the absent eye
With words ready to pass you by
Save your hate, condemned and insane
You enforce what is served in His name.

3:22 AM 
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Monday, April 13, 2009 
These rays of light determine weather you’ll live another day.
It’s a pity, but not a shame, that you’d have to go this way.
If you can survive the rain and stand under pressure.
You just might escape the wrath of another lecture.
Disappointing expectations of the offspring continue to bring us down.
If we failed them, so help the children in their innocent gowns.
Whip the mud from your eye that resembles a tear.
No one will want you if your morality is sculpted by fear.
When we teach them nothing and stab out their eyes.
They will have no choice but to believe the terrible lies.
You’ll judge me for lack of observation in your denial that you are blind.
And you give me no reason to condemn me that you can find.
Walk back off of the edge and let me know what it was like to fly.
I can watch in excitement and wave a permanent goodbye.
Seal it shut and blow a kiss, you won’t be coming back.
Close your eyes and picture the colors, because you’ll only see black.
You were foolish to hope when you’ve seen this all before.
Just get on your knees and keep begging for more.
It’s nothing new. No more to crave. Pack your shit and be one your way.
There’s nothing else for me to do, nothing else for me to say.
You keep me waiting and my rivers have run dry.
The numbers will drop and collapse, then die.
I attempt not to fail while you believe you have time.
Wasting precious moments with your word and rhyme.
There’s no way you can go back now. I won’t allow you to leave.
You have made the humorous mistake to foolishly believe.
You adapt or you die. The choice is not easy, but simple and plain.
The insanity is frequent as much as the pain.
Believe the false accusations and you’ll be just fine.
But please don’t forget you’re still wasting time…

7:43 AM 
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Wednesday, March 11, 2009 

Category: Life



My Armando

In these eyes I see everything that awaits me.
I see everything he has to give.
And on those hands lie a story within the lines and contrast.
Without a weapon he wounds me. With a word he rebuilds me.
And outside these defenses, he continues to love me.
Like a key in it’s lock, I fit perfectly in his arms.
He is close and he is soft with every touch and embrace.
His scent is sacred to my senses and in it, I am untouchable.
Time has unfolded our story as we have unfolded secrets.
We have what the world wishes for.
What so many would die for and will probably never find.
But it’s ours... and in every way, it's real.


Happy 2 Year Anniversary, baby.  I love you.
4:24 PM 
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Wednesday, February 25, 2009 

Current mood:  content


          How are you, brother? I know you’re miserable and alone, but that’s expected. And I’m glad for it. I hope you still think of me often and I hope it hurts. I hope this life you chose is worth the price you continue to pay.

          I am better and stronger than you in every way, brother. While you can’t, I can still. While you’ve slept, I continue to grow. I would kick you in the position that you’re in if you were within reach. You… in your four-legged stand, constantly crawling… I used to wonder why, brother… But the answer was always so clear. You were never who you claimed to be. All for your American nightmare. That age passed long before the scraps of what I knew of you returned.

          I am doing very well, brother. I have everything you pretend to have and everything you wanted. I see all you refuse and can do all you tried to keep me from. I have surpassed you. I can do all you tried to make sure I could not. Now you are no longer a worthy adversary. Now you wish you would have never left.

          Oh brother, how I used to hate you… like the constant aching pain of fire against skin. Like a weeping and infected wound. But after time of healing and stepping forward without you, I am no longer angry, bitter or sad because of you. And your blood is a virus that will never touch my lips again.

          Now you sleep embedded beneath the rocks like you did years ago, farther from the surface now. And now that I know you’re truly gone and in the hell you’ve placed around you, I am finally set on the path to forgetting you. After our final encounter, I can now see your eyes are welded shut and tongue ripped out. All for a love that does not love you back.

          Once I saw how I tower over you and your cries can no longer carry to my ears, I stepped over you. Then you remembered how much you hate me. My wish has been (and continues to be) granted, along with the combination of others that unite against you.

          I couldn’t help but be disappointed in you. How you devolved right before my eyes and how you take comfort in your denial. To watch you crawl back because you are alone… and it puts a smile on my face… I know you’ll continue to flatter and lie to yourself and others, and I can’t help but laugh at what you pretend to be.

          Although I know you’ll never be what you once were, or even come close, I can lay my head down peacefully knowing: I have finally washed my hands and eyes of you…
4:46 AM 
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Tuesday, February 17, 2009 

Category: Writing and Poetry



You see that it’s been raining long before you stepped outside. You looked up at the night sky to see the stars have been replaced with thick clouds. This disappoints you. You put your knife in your coat pocket and begin to walk with haste. You hands are sticky and dripping. Your heart rate begins to accelerate out of panic and you then begin to run. There’s no time to remember why. Your feet stomp on the concrete and you forget to breath through your nose, so your tongue quickly dries up. This tires you. But you don’t stop. Your eyes rapidly shift from left to right, too fast to really see anything clearly. All you can see are large and small yellow dots that you know are lights. All the detail is temporarily gone.

It doesn’t matter where you’re running to, just as long as you keep moving. So your pace slows, and you begin to walk. After 97 minutes of walking, you sit down on a curb. You’re panting and sweaty. You can feel your heart pounding in your chest and you put your hand over your it, trying to regain control. Your heart momentarily stops at the sound of passing sirens, although, it’s not you they’re after. It would be a while before anyone would find that they are dead. You take a deep breath and try to calm down. You notice the blood stain on your knee that is hardly visible, but you still know it’s there. You get back up to continue walking… you have to. A headache is forming at the top of your brain and your heart is beginning to race again. Why is it always so easy to loose control?

You turn onto a busy street with a view of the valley below covered in small yellow lights. You see the traffic lights change from red to green. Then from green to yellow. You’re glad this walk will be downhill. You’re watching the cars go by, knowing they are all driving at speeds above the preferred limit. You can hear the tires roll rapidly over the wet asphalt and the splashing water fall back to the ground. Even though you know you’re too tired to keep going, you still try. You can see your breath and your fingertips feel numb, even though they’re not. At least, that’s what you keep telling yourself.

Then you trip. You’re now limping because you twisted your ankle over the dead cat you saw lying in the middle of the sidewalk. You felt sorry for it. You could tell it was killed because it had it’s head was nearly torn off. “Poor thing…” you whisper. You would have just walked over it… but you were just too tired to pick up your feet. You reach into your pocket and pull out a couple painkillers. ‘This should help a little bit’, you hope. You push one pill at a time towards the back of your throat sense you don’t have anything to take it with. You then swallow. You do this four times and cringe at the horrible and bitter taste of the reaction of a dissolving pill that has made contact with saliva.

The cold is creeping through your coat and you come to realize that the night isn’t going to end soon enough. Before the pills get a chance to work, weakness sweeps over you in a strong wave. Your hands begin to shake and you notice blood dripping from your fingertips. No wonder you felt this way. In a raspy and quiet voice you said, “I had to…” you stop to take in a most difficult breath, “they would have…” and before you could finish this sentence, you collapse onto your knees and fall forward onto your face. Your eyes close, your heartbeat slows, and you release the breath you last took in… and in the midst of all this, you forget why you even had to run…

5:20 AM 
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Thursday, October 02, 2008 

Current mood:To those with my name on their tongues.

Go ahead. Be offended.

I remember when nothing mattered but how the sun was going to come up. Before people started dropping like flies and scratching out their eyes because they didn't like what they see. You're afraid. And you fucking love it. Hiding is now a skill and lying is an art. I've been crawling down at your level looking for those who might want to be alive. Call me what you wish, but in the end you still compare yourself to me.

Before the walls were built and we stole the power from the sun, we lived. And not only did we live, but we were free. Now the shame of our race trips over the clues and won't consider to take a look. To look deeper than you. Deeper than your needs. Deeper than your fears. Be offended. That will only prove my point even farther. Chills run up my skin with the sight of these people on all fours as they sniff around for a reason to justify their existence.

Refusal to think.

Dependency upon the system.

De-evolution.

Inability to learn.

You resemble the roaches I step on during the night. And how you run, they run. The similarities are breathtaking. Your loss of interest is expected. The constant need to feed the incompetence of a dying and killing species. I'm ashamed to be labeled as one of you. Your weakness is your crown jewel and your most prized possession. And you will do just about anything to show your inability so someone else can do it for you. So you can be what you're good at: a burden.

Self obsessed. You pay attention to only yourself, sense you know that no one else really cares. In such a fear of being forgotten, you'll do whatever you can to turn the heads your direction… and it won't matter, even if they look passed you. The intoxicating nature of you is disgusting… like all the sheep waiting to be put out of their misery. Others… are willing to put down their very nature… just to get what they want. Completely blind, deaf and dumb… just for the typical American dream. No matter how long it will last, as long as you get it, even if the dream becomes a nightmare. Along side the dream, cross eyed cows stand ready to drop another bomb because of their instability.

I remember when I didn't have to be embarrassed… Where holding a name was an honor and not a curse. But now all I can see is the begging, the filth and the manipulation… and how easy it was to bag each and every one of you…

2:37 PM 
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Wednesday, August 27, 2008 

I'm watching you fall into yourself. As things become so clear and vivid as night and day. You sigh and question the twitching of things and again you'll look down to think some more. Your name is a bell ringing in my head, unforgotten and reassuring. I'm listening to you breathe across the room and the scratching of your pen. I missed out on life with you. Until everything had settled down another situation came to shake us again, but here we are.

My heart apologizes over and over again for the way that I am. Trying to replace 'am' with 'was'. I'm trying so hard… And now you won't even look at me…

2:06 PM 
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Friday, July 11, 2008 

I still think about you… after all the high moons and flight of vivid scented pine trees. And in this life I learned to hate what is now You. And when I do think about you, the longing has faded, and the anger has risen. My fist clichés and my teeth bare. After all the lies, the ties and the goodbyes… the unofficial farewells while running off with the blind bitches. Breeding for the sake of humanity and your desire to appear normal. You've left your mark to scorch the mind and disappear into yourself. You're becoming human… old friend. And I'm so ashamed to know who you are…

You're the one who showed me to the door. Who taught me the beginning of the wind and ending of time. Who began the transaction for my total sedation to the awakening and uprising. Then you fall in love with the desperate thought of a family in a 'world that you hate' and slowly dissipate into a form that we would laugh at.

After everything that happened… I befriended you in a way you didn't deserve.

But still it pains me to know your fate… and pain you'll feel… finally…

 

 

You'll know me by the scars I leave.  And I'll know you by the screams you sound.

8:06 PM 
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Thursday, April 24, 2008 

Current mood:  determined

They told me I could only create to permanently devastate.

I have given into the fact that you are my enemy. I have given into the anger that I have been suppressing for too long. I have been away from my Throne made of the bones of my slain enemies. The screaming never died and I still continue to bare my teeth. Boiling genocide glow in the iris of my eyes and the fear dies as I arise for a fallen race. Are all the Gods and Goddesses locked in human form? I am beginning to see they are not coming back. That the moaning will only be cause by the pain. Bitter wives and stupid children are all that is left of an unprepared generation facing their father's war.

The anger is pouring out of my eyes. Once again, I'm failing to hold back the monster from coming out. Once again, I'm losing control. Once again, I could not hold the line… And you- not I, will suffer for it. I stood from my Throne of Bones and walked away, ashamed of what we had become, and I walked into the fire alone, in hopes of washing my hands of the disappointment. But when I returned, I could only see the failure in my forgotten species. All the lost glory for a once indivisible empire. My shame had followed me here…

I'm watching myself rest upon this throne looking down like a warlord, and the heartlessness to accommodate my brutality. I am slowly crawling from the fiery pits of Hell to reclaim my armies. I am rebuilding from the ashes of time and reforming with the tides of the black waters. She drank of me, willing to accept what's to come with head high and proud. With her by my side, we glide through the old and angry wilderness, gathering ancient magick.

Don't correct me with Man's way of sent sand stone. Moldable and breakable. I have returned. My race has heard my howling calls in pale nights and come to greet me after years of loneliness and sorrow. Here they turn to me once again, ready to learn. Ready to march. Ready for war…

Where your books fail, my voice carries. Set by the words of fickle men- corrupt and ill minded. Who write for glory and trade for ink. Where your false tongues slither, my laugh runs through your soul like the sword pierces the body. Memorized spells and dead languages fall like flies because of your failure to hear the language of Us. Where our hearts need not to learn to speak words, never hollow, but to be born with the knowledge to cast ourselves against the Laws of Man and to cast ourselves with the elements.

My heart races with the vision of our uprising. Our grand journey and our welcome home. Our limits will no longer define us. We will no longer be slaves to the Laws of Gravity and the oppression of old Kings. Take back the land and treasures and kill all those who oppose. They hear our thunderous marching towards the city that they have inhabited after we perished. And sooner of later, they will come to realize there is no escaping us this time… For only we know the back doors leading out.

12:43 AM 
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Tuesday, March 11, 2008 

Current mood:  loved
Category: Romance and Relationships

So… it's been a year. Damn. I almost don't know what to say… but that's why I use the word 'almost'. Because I do know what to say. But only a part… I'm happy. Let's start with that. I've never been this happy, let alone this hopeful about another human being. I've never been so ready for anything. I've never been so ready for the future.

Over the time period of the last 12 months have been rewriting my description of love and what it should be. I've always had an idea, like any other person, but you never really know until you're there. And I honestly can't complain. Not that I'd like to, but I really can't. Every moment is precious and beautiful. Beyond my knowledge of words or experience of true joy. And before those long months of us ever really existing together, vicariously I did.

But that's another story for another time. One I don't need to tell sense we're already an existence. There's always an idiot who says 'I've always loved you', but is only saying it. There are also those liars who say they've been through pretty much every suffering you can go through when it comes to relationships. Well… I'm no idiot and I'm no liar. I've never been with someone this long, so I wouldn't know what it's like to be with someone for 10 years, then have them split. But I do know what pain is. And it's never there when he is.

I don't have to be afraid, cautious or paranoid around him. I know he's ready to protect me and would never hurt me. I can see everything he's feeling when I look into this smiling eyes. I don't know if you've ever had this happen… but when I'm laying down with Armando and am looking into his eyes, I can see my reflection, just like he can see his. I know this is common knowledge, but if you were in my position, you'd know in your heart that you were seeing yourself in the one you love. You'd see that you were welded onto them. You'd see that they are you.

I could sit here and tell you our story, but I'm not. Although I do love telling it, it's ours to tell, not mine. But I can tell you that I've never wanted or needed someone more than I do Armando. And this is only our first year. I can't wait to discover what these upcoming years have for us.

I love you, baby. Now and always.

1:00 PM 
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Friday, February 08, 2008 

Current mood:To those who hold the ropes...
During this period of time and passing the ones who lay face flat,
You walk beside me, holding my hand always wondering where I'm at.
If only I actually wanted you here.  If only I wanted to see you at all.
If only I could have you crucified upon my northern wall.
You speak to me in my sleep and constantly invading my space,
When I've never wanted you here in the goddamn first place!
Despite my hatred and the conflict inside,
I need you as my mentor, my brother, my guide...
In fear of what I can do you hold me down, you keep me bound.
You keep me on my back as the acid keeps my head turned round.
In front of me the back of your head stays in place,
I'd rather see your back than your battered and empty fucking face.
Just a layer beneath I see your plans and your plots.
Where your dreams flutter and your cells deteriorate as your imagination rots.
The dragon who shifts on the cold Earth's floor lonely but hungry for more,
You could never truly understand why this didn't work before.
Those eyes stare over me with a blank lust for total fucking domination,
Unaware and unprepared for the price to pay with your soul and it's total damnation.
You're so willing to give it all away for pride and for glory.
But you're so afraid to open to the world of others and to tell another story.
I'd kill you now if I didn't need the knowledge I crave to fly over the sun's shores,
But the contrast of blood and skin is too tempting to ignore…
5:05 AM 
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Thursday, January 31, 2008 
I may magnify your imperfections for the amputations necessary.
I could never show you mercy now.
Believe. Deceive. Conceive the bastard-to-be.
I may need to destroy you purity.
Lay flat on your back to look at the sky.
You'll soon become a star... made to fade.
Chosen for no reason.
How could you possibly help us?

I'd rather you respect me out of fear.
Like any other Martyr.
Read your scrolls. Sharpen your rocks. Dig up your leaders.
Blood will be spilt in the morning.

No metaphors. No propaganda.
All the prophecies are turning around.
Lights are flickering over the streets.
The allies I know are considering treason.
The salvation I lack will cost us all.

Don't be careful if you're guarding the supply lines because you could escape the blame.
I'm dancing on razors to impress you.
It's time for you to start following someone without prejudice.
I can hear God judging me.
It's time for me to pick up my staff and lead you all into a flight leading to Home.
Our truth will rise.
Our true home, given back our names.
But beware the weight of your soul.
You could fall.
You're not a burden anyone should bare.

'I can educate myself. I can train myself.' you say.
Then prepare to linger then perish.
The old ways are needed for survival.
Get left behind.
You're running for your life when no one cares if you die.
9:39 PM 
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Thursday, January 31, 2008 
I found myself cut apart, licking my wounds… savoring the blood.
I remember I was eating God's eyes, raping his mother.
Sometimes I hate how much it hurts to be alive. How much it hurts to remember… To exist.
I need to learn to love the pain.
Now that I know myself in this comfortable darkness too well.
The line of murders are leading up to me.
No conspiracy. Only defiance.
Defiance.
I'm not afraid of you, Devil… Sweet deceiver.
You submit so easily.
It wasn't my choice to sell you…
I wanted you dead.
I'm innocent to manifest, free to kill…
Free to liberate your soul into the shady atmosphere altered by the evil sciences of Man and the Beast.
Chasing shapes to look the part - you.
You're being replaced.
I'm newer and improved.
Drawn to hate. Composed to conspire. Undeniably unstable with deadly accuracy.
Your tongue is kept in a jar reserved for foreplay to force-feed your lack of desire.
That way you can watch your liberation burn under the sun.
Dancing in humiliation to teach you salvation.
He found me decomposing while biting my lip.
Perfect for destruction… perfect for war.
Rage fueling me with an imagination without limits.
No limits…
But still they couldn't control me.
You have caused everything beautiful to die.
All the moisture from my eyes sucked dry.
Is this revenge… or is it nature?
Am I the reason for the bullets?
Please God… forgive me for taking your sight.
I don't want it anymore.
9:37 PM 
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Sunday, January 27, 2008 
Paint your face for war, my children. Tonight will be the first time you taste blood.
Collect the skins and stretch them over to make our drums.
Gather the bones and lay them down to build the stairs to Heaven.
Dress yourselves in the brutality of your forefathers.

You do not know the nature of mercy this night.
Send your sharpened swords through the beating heart of the land and wait for the pulse to slow.
Break their hope for survival after our reign here.
Chant our battle cries until they all fall and crave the screaming of a defeated enemy.

The end is near, my loves. My people. My kin. The end of our suffering comes close.
Here we carve through the jungles of the forearms of the jealous Gods.
Here we progress to the head for it's timely dismemberment.
Behead the old Kings. Here our liberation comes on swift wings to take us.
To be freed by our long lives of endless wandering and well awaited rewards.

Tonight, we chase them up their ropes and harvest the promise they denied us.
FREEDOM!!!
March with me! To a war not of our end… but theirs! For our new beginning.
Kill the Kings. We will be free.
12:51 AM 
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