Every time I take the initiative to actually make stuff happen with my acting career, I always start to get busy - without fail. It simply takes me remaining positive and seeking opportunities everywhere and anywhere. Work leads to more work. Opportunities lead to more opportunities and optimism will always trump negative thoughts. These are some of the lessons that I have not only learned but actually live by daily nowadays.

It certainly is easy to become discouraged when we have financial or physical limitations in our lives yet only we are responsible for our own destiny and success and while bad things may happen and certain circumstances may seem overwhelming, if we simply just doing what must be done and keep on keeping on - it always gets easier or at least becomes less overwhelming.

Last week I had a fun audition for a feature film. Last weekend I played one of the most violent characters I have yet created and brought him to life. Well, I didn't create him - the Writer/Director did - but I learned a lot from the character and have learned that I am not afraid to push the limits. This week I am in two more short films - granted they are not very mainstream projects and may never even be seen by the public but by simply showing up and working I am increasing the circle of contacts I have and the best part is I get to act opposite one of my newest closest friends in both instances - someone I believe in - Sahna.

I also had a fun commercial audition today and this week is the Foursite Film Festival which should be rampant with networking opportunities with local and hopefully not so local filmmakers. I also will be seeing The Laramie Project on stage this week.

I love being who I am and while I have joked with people that I will again be on my throne high above the world on a perch looking down - there is some seriousness in that statement.

I believe in myself. I am talented. I am good-looking. I am hard-working. I have a great sense of humor and a knack for making even the most unbearable situation more enjoyable. I will not fail because it isn't an option I even consider.

I am coming into the abundance that I truly deserve and I have earned. I will get out of the red and back into the black. All the people who have and continue to believe in me know that I won't give up and to those who relish the thought of me failing or secretly hope for my demise - THANK YOU!

I feed off of your insecurities and selfishness. I relish each win a bit more since some of you have wronged me, doubted me or questioned my skills, intellect or potential.

Once you are on the plane with me - it is a first class journey. If you have been kicked to the side or fallen behind - have fun trying to catch up. I won't slow down and go back and get you. You had your chances and now I am creating my own future and damn, it feels good.

....................

16 Feb 2009

Ogden, UT

Jefferson Street – Kitchen

23:35

I am sitting here drinking a glass of red wine, exhausted
from working non stop since last Friday, waiting on tables, slowly digging
myself out of the abyss and now, at last, I am beginning to see the light at
the end of the tunnel. It’s been a challenge for me as I strive to rebuild my
life, rebuild the company and keep many of the other people in my life moving
forward, yet I feel that I am well on my way and if I have learned anything in
life hard work does, and will, always pay off and I end up with incredible
rewards.

I am not as far behind or overwhelmed as I was last month
and next month at this time I will be on tour with a metal band so I must
continue to work smart. I am sure that this journey I am on will ultimately
lead me where I am supposed to be – even though sometimes the destination may
not always appear to be crystal clear. It’s up to me to recognize opportunities
and make the most of them. I booked another short. It’s a student film for the
University of Utah. I know I won’t make any money however, for me, as an Actor,
all opportunities to work and be on camera are appreciated. I know many of my
peers are still struggling for their first role so I am fortunate that I have
worked on so many films that I have forgotten what half of them are. I have
two, maybe three, auditions this weekend. 
Each audition is an opportunity to meet someone new and learn from them
and gain additional experience that benefits me as an Actor, Producer and Director.

All that experience is vital as I begin teaching acting
classes and coaching newer actors on their craft. I am not the most qualified
teacher. My lessons will be based on many of the techniques and processes I
learned from my coaches and instructors throughout the years as well as the
skills I have gained as a Casting Director, Talent Manager and Agent. My goal
is to inspire new actors to simply show up, take a risk and realize that they
have control of their own destiny.  I am
not overly excited about teaching classes since I feel my time can be better
utilized elsewhere. I have made a commitment and I will see how I do. The
workshops I have led in the past have been somewhat successful. The words of
wisdom I have shared with high school and college students seem to have
inspired some of them to pursue a career in the entertainment industry. I am
careful to educate them on the risks and the challenges. Everyone needs to know
that any career is not easy but entertainment is one of the most challenging careers
another human being can pursue.

Some people view me as a failure. I am not wealthy. I am not
famous. I am not a power player in the industry. I am not living large with a
beautiful home, a new car, the finest apparel and I don’t have an entourage. I
also could focus on these valid points. I don’t. Something about my career is
very real. It’s simple. I haven’t given up. I haven’t sold out. I haven’t
allowed others to cloud my mind with their insecurities or what they think is
best for me – and for many of the people that know me, I am sure it is
frustrating. I have many skills and talents. If I had become an orthodontist
like my stepmom planned for me, I probably would have done much better
financially. Would have. Could have. If. Maybe. It’s all relative. One person’s
happiness and security isn’t another person’s goal. I simply want to live
honestly and make the world a better place. If I can convince one person to
assist me in this endeavor then I have done my part.

I am very tired. I am feeling worn down. I am definitely,
and this is a first, feeling my age.

I won’t slow down. I will work harder, smarter, more
efficiently and continue to achieve my goals. I can’t and won’t be stopped. I
hear my Dad everyday.

“Nothing succeeds like a try.”

I am thankful for this glass of red wine.

I am thankful that my house is warm enough with space
heaters to allow me to type this blog in my boxers.

I am thankful that Melinda, Sahna, Robin, Lin, Andrea and
Mary Alice trust me enough to guide their careers yet they are smart enough to
know that they are responsible for their own success.

I am thankful that I have a new job that I genuinely enjoy
most of the time.

I am thankful that Jef and Tammy sincerely love me.

I am thankful for sunshine.

I am thankful for honesty.

I am thankful that I found Oscar when he escaped late last
week.

I am thankful for the new friends I am discovering I have so
much in common with and the old friends who genuinely seem happy to be back in
touch with me after so many years.

I am thankful that I am not hungry.

My eyes are heavy and my body is sore. I am thankful for
rest.

Good night.

28 Feb 2009

Rubber Arts Building

Downtown SLC, UT

On the set of “The Competition”

.. ..

It’s been a couple of weeks since I last wrote and I never
found the time to cut and paste the above blog entry from Microsoft Word to
Myspace so I am now adding an addendum since It’s been a while.

I have had a busy couple of weeks filled with auditions and
now I am on set working on a film called “The Competition,” written and
directed by Matt Zeller, with some stellar costars and a small and efficient
crew including my dear friend, Sahna Foley, as Assistant Director.

The character Damien is evil. I am a kidnapper who has
abducted and tortures my friends soon to be fiancé the night he is going to
propose to her. In the process, we solve our differences over a game of Chess
while she struggles to escape. It’s a short film intended for film festivals.
Since I have had so much luck in the past working on short films, I felt that
this was a smart choice and the Director is top notch, super organized and
talented. He brought me to some pretty dark places as Damien as I was torturing
my costar.

Being on this set has been great and I met another Director
who I will be working with next weekend on another film. That, in addition to
the callback for a supporting role in a major feature film and several more
auditions on the horizon, has me excited, as always, about my future.

That’s about all for now. I need to get back to set and
bring Damien back to life.

This is a post midnight brain dump because I should be home in bed but alas I am still at the office quasi-working. I come in daily to work on my finances now that I am working and earning cash tips daily. I try to remember that I am not only working for my own survival but also the survival of the company that I helped create and the projects I helped give life and the people who have dreams that I have made commitments to and reassured them daily that life will be okay - if only we remain positive and focused on our goals and don't flinch in the face of adversity.

As I have been struggling to get my personal life back on track, it seems that a select group of people have decided to gun for me, my peers and our company and have made some pretty vile remarks about the choices and decisions we made and to be quite honest, it annoys the fuck out of me.

I arrived in a state that was hungry for more film and tv production and I, and a select group of my peers, decided to make movies here -- because the feeling was so positive and everyone seemed to want to see everyone else succeed. We produced a movie that is mired in post production debt yet we have a finished product and we strive daily to get the finished product into the marketplace. I feel guilty some days that I am not giving more time to the projects we have completed that are in post production or close to being ready but if I can't stay in the game, healthy, with a roof over my head, some food to eat, and, at the least, a cell phone and internet connection, I am useless to my peers.

I feel like many of the industry people complaining had nothing going for them before we came along and now, well, we gave them an opportunity and saw the best in them and it seems that instead of focusing on the positive and the new opportunities, like a select few have done, they have decided to focus on the negative and attack either our company, project or me personally.

Nothing frustrates me more than uneducated skanky nontalented white trash wannabes. Some days I feel like the people complaining are a parade of Jerry Springer rejects who couldn't even get on his show so of course it makes sense that they can't comprehend anything.

Then we have the jealous and pissed off people that simply feel we are dishonest and out to take advantage of other people, their money and their talents and that the projects we create are so we can separate people from their money and personally benefit.

Let me tell you what I have right now -- a deflated sex doll that I can't even have sex with, special effects blood stained sheets on a waterbed that was given to me and then a friend and now I have inherited it by default, and a few boxes of props. I certainly have not been living large on other people's money but you know what?

I do live a GREAT fucking life. I travel. I am popular. I have friends. I have a dog that loves me. I speak a foreign language. I have extra condoms. I am intelligent. I am a survivor and no one can take me down -- they can really try but please understand that every time someone guns for me I am like Wonder Woman/The Incredible Hulk/ the Back to the Future Delorean and every bad ass horror movie killer -- you just give me more strength. You want to take me down? You want to take my company down? You want to discredit my projects and my teams and my actors and my writers? Well, to quote Faye Dunaway from "Mommie Dearest:"

"Don't fuck with me fellas. This ain't my first time at the rodeo!"

Have a nice day and spread love to everyone..Thank you and Good Night!

....................

5 Feb 2009

23:36

Kitchen, Jefferson Avenue

$171,003.59

I am sitting here in my apartment – the huge three bedroom
apartment that just one month ago I broadcast to the world that I was moving
out of because I was simply done with roommates and wanted to be on my own and
live and die by my own rules. I had forgotten a promise I made to my former
roommate from 2005 and 2006, Matt, and that I told he could move in with me. I
reconnected with Matt when Melinda was here for Sundance and after discussing
the situation with a few close friends (Mel, Jef, Zu); I knew that Matt would
be good for me. He is not a drug addict. He pays his bills. He works hard. He
loves dogs and he has faced and beaten some unique challenges of his own the
past few years. I am now glad that he is here. I really didn’t want to give up
this apartment. It’s the best one I have had and I love the location, the
space, the colors of the walls and being able to be so close to the office,
church and my bank.

I am now working at Olive Garden after an intense six days
of training. I finally “graduated” on Tuesday and now I am taking tables and
finally earning tips. The tips are great. It’s eliminated a lot of stress off
of me knowing that I will at least have a few dollars cash in my pocket again on
most days while I rebuild my wealth. I finally sat down, totaled up my debts,
and I owe $171,003.59. Lin has some of my medical bills from my medical stuff
last year and I also, of course, owe money for Alexius projects since I was the
lead Producer. I figure my net total will settle in around $250,000.00. It’s a
lot less than the half million I had envisioned in my mind.

I am amazingly calm because I now know I have control of my
life again and my finances. I made some blatantly bad financial decisions in
the past and certainly have had entirely too many people help me out and enable
me along the way. I have learned that the confidence that comes along with
being financially responsible carries a lot of weight as I have begun moving
forward in my life and now I don’t look back with remorse or regret. I have
done the best I can with the resources I have been given and by no means would
I be as far along on this journey without the love and financial support of so
many. I have kept track of every loan and emergency bail out through the years
and have been adding interest. Keeping up with the interest, much like credit
card debt has proven to be a beast yet I feel that I must be fair and want
people to have some return on their investment in me.

Tonight I am sitting in a cold house. It’s somewhere between
58-62 degrees inside and around 28-32 outside. The gas was turned off because I
couldn’t keep everything afloat while I rebuilt this past month. I had to have
a job. I had to have clothes for that job. I had to eat and feed my dog. My
rent isn’t as far behind. My car isn’t as far behind and I have most of the
demons at bay for the time being. I simply grabbed the reins of my life and
have been doing what must be done. I don’t have the luxury of taking advantage
of others, like some of my peers. I have refused to place blame or become angry
because I know that karma has dealt me a fair hand and because I am finally
learning from my mistakes, poor choices and questionable situations, life will
indeed continue to stay on an upswing. I bought a few space heaters and sleep
in my sweats. I boil water to shave, bathe, do dishes and wash my hair. Of
course I will start showering at Jef’s now that it’s okay with his wife. I also
may join a gym just for the benefit of having a hot shower daily. I am not sure
what it will take to turn my gas back on since the bill was so ridiculously
high ($377 last month) but I do know that my brakes are going bad on my car and
I need car insurance so those two priorities must be taken care of first. Zu
suggested a terrific mechanic. I have been putting a bit aside every day into
savings so that I can make a down payment on car insurance again soon.

It’s been a process for me of breaking life down into
manageable chunks so that I can survive and, in the process, I have learned a
lot about myself and how strong I really am. Many people give up when the odds
are stacked against them. That isn’t an option. I will continue to learn daily
and look forward with a positive outlook.

I am tired. I am sore. I am a man who has faced many
challenges and traumas yet I am no more special than any other person on this
planet. We all have a right to be happy and successful and only we can control
our own destinies. No one else holds the power. Hard work and training are
crucial because even if luck does enter the picture, it will only work that way
for so long.

I am especially grateful at this time to those individuals
who continue to see the best in me. Their smiles and hugs make it all
worthwhile.

I have this new job at Olive Garden -- which I think I will like. Then last night I get a last minute call from another local place about being a server. I walked in the door and they are like "can you work tonight?" Less than an hour later I returned, in uniform, only to immediately take a 9 top in a place where I had never worked before and yep, I still have the magic and made some bank.

I have so much going on that I am actually getting more organized and caught up the past few weeks. I was supposed to be in Vegas at this time. It's amazing how quickly changes happen when you have to fight for your own survival. Priorities change moment to moment with me and I guess that is sort of expected from me by now.

Tomorrow I am volunteering for the Utah Theatre Association and teaching a couple of workshops - which I am not really prepared for but I will make it work and make sure all the students have fun and leave the class a bit more educated and inspired about their craft.

We are going to start managing a great band -- "And Embers Rise"

You'll see more information about them soon -- just know that I will be on tour with then 13-21 March through Nevada, California, New Mexico, Arizona and possibly Colorado. That's right, ladies and gentleman, I am touring with a metal band. Life is grand.

Stay tuned.

I love the women in my life. They make me smile.

Okay, It's Tuesday night. I am tired. Really tired. I don't know why. Yeah, I do. It's this work part of my life. It's amazing that I can work 12,14, even 16-24 hours on a film or TV set or be in prepro or production and never get tired yet the minute I start to work with a real job again, I become instantly exhausted.

I am in limbo --waiting for some developments in my personal life that may or may not happen yet I feel confident that something is going to happen soon. It may not be what I expect. I know that my heart is in several different places at the moment and my hormones and mind seem to be in other places yet on some levels they are all crisscrossing each other as I strive to determine what is healthiest for me and the people I am infatuated/in love in lust with this week.

I have to judge at the Utah Theatre Association this week and teach four workshops. The next Saturday I am teaching another workshop for the Utah Artist Support Fund and have acting classes starting the 10th and I am also volunteering for some sort of career day at a local high school. I don't mind teaching and doing workshops because I never know where I will find new talent.

It's possible that I may head up to Portland to work on a film with Sahna. Melinda Chilton was cast in another great project, "Rid of Me," by Director James Westby, who also directed the award winning film, "The Autuer," which received rave reviews at Tribeca and Outfest.

I miss red wine. I need to buy some soon.

So many thoughts are running through my head right now as I sit here tapping away on my laptop after an 11 day run of film festivals, Melinda, Sahna, films, events, parties, financial strife and salvation, hormones and workshops. The future is so overwhelmingly positive that I am excited about all the possibilities yet I am almost paralyzed and can do nothing but just be in the moment as I wait to see what develops. I wouldn't have made it through these past two months without friends and now I want nothing more than to make them all happy and assist them with all of their own dreams. It's important that I feel like I am contributing to society daily -- in some capacity.

A few changes -
Nope, not getting my own place, my former very cool roommate Matt is moving in with me now. I lived with him in 2005 and 2006 and he is good people. Pays his bills, has a heart of gold and allows me to be myself and doesn't judge me at all.

I started training at Olive Garden today. I get so excited over the stuff in life that i really don't want to do yet I know that I need this job to financially get back in shape. As a friend of mine said -- I am now in a good place and rebuilding. Previously I haven't been very good with my money and may have made bad choices and trusted the wrong people and not thought every issue through but now I am setting myself up for financial abundance now and in the future and I deserve to be abundantly rewarded.

Jessica has almost moved out. I'll miss her. I am going to send her all the positive energy I have left for her to find the joy, peace, love and happiness she so deserves. Jessica and I have been through a lot and I love her - unconditionally.

I have a couple of hundred emails to answer and I just don't have the energy to do it all tonight. I know I need to work but until I get my head clear, I can't. I need to have my stability back before I can build the stability of others.

The muse I have been wanting may soon be free. The question is -- do we still want each other or is it too late?

The man I thought I would never find has found me and we have everything in common and both desperately need to be heeled and loved. He may be coming to visit me. I only hope this isn't all make believe and I am hesitant to hinge too much on the possibilities for fear of the unknown.

My soul mate is still hurting. I can't rescue him. It kills me. It's time to let go and allow him to determine his own journey but I must wait and be available for him until he doesn't need me any longer.

I love her lips.

I am mesmerized by the women in my life in the entertainment industry. They should all be working actors and stars.

I like flannel shirts so does that make me more butch?

I hate underwear so if I wear an apron at work can I freeball more often?

People to follow up with in NY, Chicago, Los Angeles and Louisiana. Opportunities are everywhere but I am home in Utah and like it here. I may try wandering down a few new/old paths in the coming months but this is my base.

If it is love, I need it and would start my life over.
If it is lust, I need it and will explore it for a while.
If it is destiny, I have no control.

It's Sunday. I want Pasta. I love hot baths..maybe I should take another one tonight.

Randomness is slipping out. So many movies to recap.

It's real, I hope.

Sundance Film Festival -- Day 8
Park City, UT
Sundance House

I am tired today. We had another day of meetings. The meetings today were for International Documentary Filmmakers whose films were selected for the Sundance Film Festival. The meetings allow the filmmakers to network with other producers, distributors, funding sources and other entertainment industry VIP's.

I use these opportunities to introduce myself to both the filmmakers and the VIP Industry people. I have handed out a few cards - mostly to Italian Filmmakers. If I could work on film in Italia, I would be thrilled!

I also have learned a lot about this industry during the festival and it really is imperative that filmmakers complete their projects and submit them everywhere but the major festivals (Sundance, Cannes, Berlin, Venice) are the ones where a lot of the major deals happen. Qualifying for and being accepted to some of these major festivals gives filmmakers and their entourage almost instant access to the upper echelon of the film industry.

A film makes it into Sundance. It gains buzz. The major agencies fight for the artist/director/writer - then when the project is being sold --those agencies, that maybe weren't even interested in the filmmaker prior to the festival, create a bidding war for the content and immediately start packaging future projects for their clients. Everyone who is power seems to know each other because, in the end, the powers to be in the entertainment industry are a select few and the only way to be invited into the club is to make it into a major festival or know someone on the inside and that's why it's important to do what I always have said about this industry -- just show up!

Volunteer for film festivals, help student and indie filmmakers, go to workshops, events and networking events and listen to what people are saying. Be selective about who you help because time is valuable and shouldn't be squandered quickly..well I guess time passes at the same rate for all of us but it is important to use it wisely.

I will, over the next month or so, be following up with all the contacts I have made. I am not sure where the emails and phonecalls will lead me - or what will happen as a result of me being proactive but if I don't take chances -- and continue to push that envelope -- I will be battling longer and harder than needed.

I know that I am a great Producer. I am also a strong Casting Director. I have a good eye for quality projects. I can build buzz and make a project happen. I am a capable Actor and a decent Writer. As time progresses, all of those skills will continue to blend together as I continue my journey.

Alexius OmniMedia will be reinventing itself soon -- and I can't wait to see where the next level brings us. In any event, I am having fun and enjoying the connections.

I leave today at 3pm -- and wind my way down through the mountains -- to meet Sahna -- then I have hopes of joining her at the LDS Film Festival - which is a completely different world.

My dreams are coming true and in all honesty, people like me! They really like me! The ones that don't are either envious, bitter or feel I owe them something special. I am fair and I am honest and that alone will take me further on this journey than most other people in the industry.

Sundance has been an amazing experience so far. It's hard for me to believe that I have been doing this almost a week already -- from Melinda's arrival to today's Sundance Industry Meetings at the Filmmaker's Lodge. I have seen celebrities, run into old friends, dined with new friends, explored every inch of Main Street, headquarters and taken the shuttles to and fro. It's been an eye opening and inspirational journey but I realize I still have a tremendously long journey ahead of me as a filmmaker/producer/actor/manager and more. I have made some great connections from both coasts and met filmmakers from Italy - which is where I would ultimately love to be.

None of this would have been possible without Melinda, Robin and Sahna looking out for me. Factor in Mary Alice taking care of a big project for me, Jessica and Jaison, along with Sahna, taking care of Oscar and tour guide Andrew, and it's easy to see that even up here we are a team. I am so tired. I have hardly slept all week. I have a party tonight. I skipped one last night. I am so over energy drinks, bagels and cheese yet I am grateful for the food and beverages being made available.

The weather and parking gods have smiled on me.

Today I met people from CAA, ICM, Endeavor, WMA, Paradigm, Sony, Fox, IFC, Sundance, Filmfinders, Open City Films, IMDB, Without A Box, Anonymous Content, Senator, Gersh, Koch Lorber, Cinetic and so many more companies...It's going to be a good future.

I can make this happen. I will.

I am going back to the drawing board.

Just wanted to type an update. More later.

....................

Sundance Film Festival

Park City, UT

Friday 16 Jan 2009

10:29

.. ..

This is my second day at the Sundance Film Festival and my first time attending the festival while living here in Utah. Other festivals are also going on this week including the Slamdance Film Festival, Tromadance Film Festival, and also the X Film Festival.

I arrived early yesterday morning with Melinda and Sahna. We were fortunate to find free parking right off of Main Street. We spent most of the day walking up and down Main Street getting familiar with the area after having breakfast at Morning Ray, a great little café with superb service. The weather was perfect – not too cold and not too hot – right around the mid 30’s. There were no celebrity sightings outside of catching a quick glimpse of Spike Lee. Later on in the day Melinda’s agent and my friend, Darren, ran into Andie MacDowell, who I have had a huge crush on since I was in high school.

I’ll be volunteering for the festival in both Ogden and here in Park City. I spend two days at the Egyptian Theater in Ogden and then on Monday morning I will spend a week working directly with a Sundance programmer as I gain more experience with the festival which will lead to future opportunities ideally with both the Sundance Film Festival and the Sundance Institute.

I am striving to focus on the experience of being here, especially since it is a significant milestone for both Melinda and I. We had hoped that her Connie Stevens directed feature, “Saving Grace B. Jones,” would be opening here as well as the Alexius/Surgical Dalliance Film “The Sex Doll She-Bitch,” which we felt was a slam dunk for the Tromadance Film Festival and didn’t make the cut. So, since we had already made plans to be here, we decided to make the best of the festival. Melinda is going to a film today here in Park City, two films tomorrow in Ogden and then we have her acting workshop this weekend. On Monday we will all rendezvous all up here in Park City for fun and festivities and plan on hitting a party Monday night.

Yet, with all this excitement I still can’t seem to separate myself from the financial stress I am under as well as the concerns that seem to be nagging me about Alexius OmniMedia.

Okay..Melinda and I are off to our next stop. More later.

12:20

Absolut Queer Lounge

Main Street, Park City

.. ..

Melinda went to a screening of “Lost Sparrow” at Slamdance and now I am relaxing and checking email at the Queer Lounge, which is a program of GLAAD. It’s an elegantly designed lounge for LGBTQ people and their friends and allies. I think it’s a great idea to have a place like this for networking, parties and more. The sponsors have provided beverages and snacks and it’s the perfect place to catch up between screenings or to meet someone else in Park City during the festival.

.. ..

Part of me is here in hopes of meeting someone and the other part of me is here because it’s a free place to hang out and just relax plus I like supporting the community and all the programs that GLAAD, HRC and other organizations have so that people do become less homophobic.  Being a filmmaker and Actor has proven to be a challenging journey for me as I try to find the professional and financial stability I crave. Factor in the uncertainty of my personal life and I sometimes feel like I am an outsider in many ways to mainstream America which is peppered with married straight professional couples, kids and a perfect Suburban house. I am staying focused on positive energy and asking the universe to reward me with abundance and to guide me as I follow my life’s purpose, especially right now when I am more financially stressed than I have ever been at any other point in my life.

.. ..

I am grateful that Melinda and Sahna have been serving as the perfect hosts – allowing me to ride back and forth to Park City, buying me meals and also encouraging me to focus on all the opportunities ahead of me the next ten days at the festival. I know that these challenges will pass. I will be surrounded with all the money I need soon and I will also continue to build a top notch career. I had an audition on Wednesday that went well.  I know that many more auditions are on the horizon as well as additional production opportunities. I will soon have my finances under control, be financially stable and even out of debt as I pay my debts with the rewards coming to me. I will continue to become even healthier and my emotional health will keep pace with all the other blessings I will receive. I believe all of this to be true and will repeat this positive mantra over and over as I rebuild my life, eliminate what isn’t working and utilize more of the tools/people/skills available to me on this journey forward and up.

.. ..

Sometimes it’s a real battle to stay focused on the prize. The past few weeks have had me staring down the barrel of a possible eviction, no gas to keep my apartment warm, a potential repossession of my vehicle, no car insurance, no dog food and no gas to get to/from the places I need to travel yet, in the end most of these fears never came to pass. I must stay focused on the rewards of the moment and the love that surrounds me. This is the power that keeps me driving forward at this time in my life.

.. ..

I also continue to shed those who aren’t healthy for me as well as the behaviors and habits that are most dangerous. It’s my future and no one else can control the outcome.

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Today I am at the Sundance Film Festival. I have a beautiful woman walking by my side, who just booked ANOTHER film. I have friends checking in with me as I network. I am not fading or slipping into the background. I am blazing my own path.

Just a quick blog. I have really been moved by the emails and phone calls of so many of my friends.

First and foremost -- I have a job - starting on the 25th of Jan. It's not as exotic as I would like since I will be waiting on tables again but, in the end, waiting on tables was very good to me for most of my years in this industry. I will be working at Olive Garden. I am Italian so I'll make it lots of fun. They are flexible with schedules and I should make decent money since I am such a great server. This will also allow me to focus on Alexius OmniMedia, the projects that are still in the pipeline, auditions and other production, casting and promotional opportunities to make more money and have more opportunities.

I struggle all the time with being a Producer/Actor and then the occasional reality that I must be "Joe Average." Yet, I can't justify having projects with debts that need to be paid - along with personal debts so I simply must make it all work.

I'll work - get my bills caught up, repay a few "must pay" loans ASAP and also save for travels, an emergency fund and put money towards my company. I don't believe in working just for bills. It's important that we also focus on putting money aside for our goals and dreams.

I managed to get my car current - with the help of a friend...which I guess means I am shifting debt instead of going further in debt..I am not sure but they were threatening to repo so unfortunately I had no choice and was moved to tears that someone would care enough to help...you see, this is what I am learning now, people really do love and care about me and my well being. Just having other people care is enabling me to finally say "I love me." It's easier to fight for a future when you know others care about you. It makes a huge difference and I am grateful for everyone and everything. I really feel like the last year has been one of the most enlightening to me. I recognize my limits and realize that I can accomplish anything I want but that honesty and hard work is the backbone of moving ahead.

I was able to get laundry detergent -- and dog food. I even managed to mail a few cards. It's going to be a challenge to become liquid again but I will do it. Having my own apartment will make all the difference and, effective 1 Feb I move into my very own one bedroom apartment - utilities included. I can now have some more stability as Lin helps me with my budget and know that only I am responsible for my bills and finances.

I have a few friends that have reassured me they will pay me the money they owe me ASAP, a few checks on the way from previous gigs and now have a job so I can only improve.

I have been here before. I like a challenge.

So today, I have food to eat, clothes to wear and a roof over my head. I have people that love me and help me. I am fortunate that the universe has blessed me and I do deserve these rewards and this help. I am a good person. I am not malicious and I only want the best for everyone I know. I am going to be okay-- and so will Oscar, the world's greatest dog.

Oh --
We also started the Matchbox Racing League again (well, we would be Me, and maybe Oscar..)

Race 1 Results:
Qualifying Heat One:
1. Floyd Westover
2. John Barnes
3. Audrey Prothero
4. Robin Westover
5. Mary Alexander
6. Roxie Barnes

Qualifying Heat Two:
1. Oscar D'Alessio
2. Tree Musick
3. Lexi Barnes
4. Pietro D'Alessio
5. Gina Barnes
6. Mary Alice Nelson

(Heat winners get 10 points, 2nd place 9 points and so on...)

Main Event (The Feature)
1. Lexi Barnes
2. Tress Musick
3. Pietro D'Alessio
4. Robin Westover
5. Mary Alexander
6. John Barnes
7. Oscar D'Alessio
8. Roxie Barnes
9. Mary Alice Nelson
10. Gina Barnes
11. Floyd Westover
12. Audrey Prothero

(Winner gets 40 points, then 38, etc. When it gets to 10 points, then it goes 9, 8, etc...)

Point Standings:
1. Lexi Barnes 48
2. Tree Musick 47
3. Pietro D'Alessio 43
4. Robin Westover 41
5. John Barnes 39
6. Mary Alexander 38
6. Oscar D'Alessio 38
8. Roxie Barnes 31
9. Floyd Westover 30
10. Mary Alice Nelson 29
11. Gina Barnes 28
12. Audrey Prothero 26

Have questions? Ask!

See, even when life is most challenging and stressful -- I still must find time to play.
Matchbox cars kept me calm as a kid when I was terrified and screaming inside so I am using a therapy that works for me. It's amazing what sitting on the floor just playing can do for stress levels.

Okay --
Gotta run -
I have an audition and Melinda is due here any minute from CA and I have a networking event tonight and then coffee with a friend.

Please continue to pray for me. I can admit I need help and love right now.

Thanks.

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I have discovered that when I am at my most desperate and my most overwhelmed and I feel like all my resources are drying up, that’s when I become the most inspired and creative. It makes sense, really. I mean many of us get into a comfort zone of doing the same routine day in and day out. We wash clothes on Sunday. We drive the same roads to and from the office. We often will shop at the same stores and even sit in the same place at church or in meetings. We simply become robots, ironically, when we are the most comfortable and can actually take a risk and make changes in our lives.

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I frustrate people. I frustrate myself. I vocalize thoughts, emotions, dreams, desires and to do lists non stop and often will change my mind or direction mid-sentence or mid-conversation. I often find my answers in my own rants when I am asking everyone else a question. I simply brainstorm out loud and every thought I have, even the most mundane, is expressed.

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Yet it always comes back to the basics for me – I want something more from life. I want to travel. I want to cook. I want to write. I want to make movies. I want to simply always be having fun and living life versus allowing life to control me because in the end, the house, the car, the stuff..I mean, it really doesn’t matter. It’s great to have and we all like it and many of us work hard to improve the quality of our lives and that’s how it should be but by no means does every single person fit in that same little box.

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I arrived home on Monday broke. No money. My car payment is past due. My rent is past due. My car insurance has been canceled. We have some financial challenges at the office. I have an old toothbrush, am out of laundry detergent and down to the last two rolls of toilet paper and I, for a moment, was overwhelmed, and possibly even paralyzed. I just knew that I had a long road ahead of me.

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I had an audition on Monday, another on Wednesday. I have another next Monday. I had four job interviews and was offered a part time job at a restaurant locally. I still have more possibilities to explore. I came home and was blessed with a surprise – my dear friend Robin, and her husband, Floyd, stocked my house with some food so I wouldn’t go hungry. Another friend showed up with a plastic piggy bank loaded with cash and coins. All she said was “this is an anonymous gift from someone who saves all year to help a person in need.”  I was moved. Later on I cried realizing that we really can overcome any obstacle if we simply stay focused, motivated and take action versus about talking about what we are going to do. I didn’t even have the money for my holiday trip this year. It was only possible because I had a free standby ticket and a group of friends all chipped in to get me out of town – understanding how badly I needed a break from the stress all of us were/are under, and, hey, in the end, they also got a break from me, and I can be, seriously, a bit draining on even the most patient person.

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I then realized I need my own place. I have put that plan into action. I am considering taking off in March for a tour with a metal band and seeing what life is like on the road for a band. A band, I might add, that is working and touring. They are interested in having our talent management firm manage their careers as a copilot as we all move forward together. What could be more fun than that? I certainly will gain a lot of insight. I also spoke with another friend last night and discussed popping over to Amsterdam for a week in the summer – a trip that I may finally be able to take with Jef. I’ll be in Vegas the end of the month and up at Sundance next week. My life is amazing. It always works out and it will continue to do so. I will pay all my debts and also pay my daily bills. I will live my life instead of living in fear of what could happen.

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And this is the way, for the most part, I have always lived. Yes, there have been runs of irresponsibility and selfishness. Yes, there have been many people that have helped me along the way and I haven’t forgotten any of them yet, I think, at my core, the people who love me most and want to see me the happiest understand that my soul can’t be contained in a cubicle or simply on one project or city.

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I must still continue to get creative to rebuild in this short amount of time and I know I can do it. I have been in the red many times and still managed to be in Europe within the year and I will do it again. I have hatched a plan of my next major adventure. It came to me reading. I know what I want to do once I am back in the black. There will be some mini adventures between now and that time and it will take me a little while to coordinate the journey but it simply must be done. In the meantime, I’ll keep producing, acting, casting, waiting on tables, handing out free stuff at malls, and answering phones in addition to cooking, checking, cleaning and folding clothes. I will enjoy the ecstasy of the simple tasks in my life and realize that I, at any given moment, am much more blessed than most of the people in the world.

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My plans don’t include settling down. I am going to kick the door even more open, take larger risks and simply write, live, laugh and learn. I don’t intend to know where and when I am going to die.

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 Somewhere over the United States

Southwest Flight from Chicago to Denver

07:59, I think..Not sure if the time zone has changed...

 

Well, the 20 day holiday is over. I am now officially on my way back home to Utah and my real life, which, by my calculations, may be in great disrepair. We have heard all about the mortgage and housing crisis. We have heard all about the automotive industry crisis. We have had one stimulus package after another and the word bailout has become so commonplace that it has now been banished from everyday use. The country, as a whole, is primed to finally go in the right direction. That all began with the election of Obama. The day after the campaign many people finally were feeling hope again in this country, no longer lost in a daze wondering what exactly happened. I wish I could wallow in my own self-pity and self-deprecation and feel bad for myself but everything that has happened is a direct result of decisions and choices I made and now, like the rest of the grown ups in the world, I will have to focus on rebuilding my life, which I have been in the process of rebuilding since sometime in 2003.

 

I am going to arrive home today, tonight or sometime tomorrow, depending on how the flights run and whether or not I get stranded in Denver. Once in Salt Lake I simply want to get home – go for a long walk with my dog, open my mail, unpack my bags and make some phone calls. I will need to evaluate my finances and see if the key bills that needed to have been paid have already been paid and, if not, I, like many other individuals, will have to begin coming up with a better strategy for meeting my financial obligations. That shouldn't be too hard. It just means I have to work.

 

I need to speak with 10-15 key people in my life and see where they are at with their own lives, goals and agendas. I'll need to scale back as I move forward and focus on completing those tasks that still must be completed.

 

The quick check list:

Melinda and her workshop.

"The Sex Doll She-Bitch"

"Two Days In.."

The Los Angeles job

Sundance Film Festival

Roommates

Alexius OmniMedia and her divisions and key players

 

I need to get my car tuned up; my dog checked out, my weight under control, my moxie back and make time for the people who are most important.

 

I have a few potential dates lined up and a slew of thank you notes to write.

It's 5 January and I still haven't bought a planner for 2009.

 

Yet, with all that I am behind, I am ready for the challenges that are ahead of me. I know the next few months are going to be pretty difficult until I get life back on an even keel.

 

I am a Producer, Actor, Casting Director and Businessman. I am going to accent that with a license as a Realtor. I feel like by the time I have my license people will be ready to buy again and, if I already have my own office, why not use it for more than one purpose or business? I also am contemplating a complete departure from my full time self-employed life and looking at opportunities with other companies and industries. Alexius can run itself with my input, especially if the proper job and division descriptions and expectations are laid out in advance. The extra money I earn, as long as I continue to live beneath my means, can go towards paying the debts that have been incurred. I simply won't green light another project until that time. I can't. It's unfair to all the people that have given so much of themselves for the two projects already in the can. Our other divisions will be okay so long as key people stay engaged. We built a lot very fast so there isn't any reason that we can't slow down.  I won't be as available and eager to help others with their projects. I feel as if people have been viewing me as a way in and, on some level, I resent that but instead of becoming bitter or judgmental, I'll need to just be more selective. If something is important enough to someone, they will follow up with me and together we will create the next steps to make it happen.

 

Being in motion and constantly seeing new places or reconnecting with old places is an integral part of who I am. I am keeping my options open for anything to do with travel. I feel alive when I am in motion.  My struggle now, as it always has been, is how to I balance my desire to be on the road with the reality that I must make a living? How much longer can I wait for the big payoff before I end up old, alone, sick and homeless? Yet, if I live a life of motion and travel, if I live a life meeting new people and taking risks, if I live a life on the road simply watching the miles slip away, with a dog in my backseat, and live my passion, isn't that what life is all about?

 

I still want to go to Amsterdam with Jef.

I still want to cruise Europe and go on an African Safari with Melinda.

I still want to spend quality time in Italia with Gina and Billy.

I still want to disappear to an all inclusive resort and be pampered.

I still want to take an around the world cruise.

I still want to spend a few months in a Greek Villa.

I still want to see Montana, Minnesota, Washington, Idaho, Oregon, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Maine, Vermont, Alaska, North Dakota, South Dakota and Hawaii.

I still want to get lost in Mexico.

I still want to see Rio, Havana, and Buenos Aires.

 

I know it's all possible. It's just time for me to sit down, create a timeline, work up my vision board, revisit "The Secret" and "The Success Principles," and to simply stay focused on what I want most.

 

Just in case I travel a lot, I'll need a dog sitter occasionally. Any volunteers?

I was up until 04:00 this morning and then woke up at 10:00. I came downstairs and curled up on Gina's sofa and slept for another 2.5 hour s. I finally managed to wake up, ate an asparagus and mozzarella sandwich, and then decided to catch up on what's going on in the world since I have, for the most part, been avoiding life, and delaying everything until I arrive home on Monday. I still have a load of laundry to do, need to clean the guest room and be ready to go to the airport very early on Monday morning with Gina. I'll be flying standby. Even though I am listed for the first flight of the day, I still could end up being delayed on my return home so I am not making any plans until I am actually on the ground and have arrived back in Ogden, spent some time with Oscar and taken a shower.

And that's where I am at right now. Simply living in the moment and focusing on doing what must be done before I make any decisions about my future and how I am going to approach all of the challenges I am facing. I need to make a "to do" list of previous and current commitments that must be completed. I need to make another list of my financial and professional obligations. I'll make a third list of my goals and desires and double check that list against the first two and against previous lists I've made regarding what I want out of life.

There are still a few certainties –

I must keep traveling. I say that repeatedly but any break, even a brief one, even a road trip an hour away, or a sleepover at a friend's house, keeps me focused. I want to do a bit more camping, when the weather warms up. I want to maybe get to some of the small towns in Idaho, Wyoming, Colorado and Nevada – especially since they are so close to where I am based.  I'll need more me time and less crowd time. I just want to try to jump in my car when I am able, with Oscar, when possible, and just drive, depending on my finances.  I may possibly be in Los Angeles in February for a film project. I would like to get to St. Petersburg to see Jen and her family. I'd like to catch up with Gwen in AZ. I also have an all inclusive resort, a cruise and Europe on the agenda for this year.

I have to make more money. I, plain and simple, will have to continue to reduce my expenses and increase my income. I don't like being in a situation where I have to rely or depend on others. I will need to get a real job, a great PT job or start booking more short term lucrative jobs as an Independent Contractor, which is ideally what I prefer. I have a company that isn't yet paying me a salary so I will have to address those needs also and figure out how to best resolve financial issues and obligations and do it stress free and with a smile, aware that I am doing my very best.

Write, Connect, Share, And Learn. I crave an existence outside of my own head and my own universe. I want to continue to write and communicate with the world and the people I admire and need. I know that this blog, over the years, has been nothing more than an online journal. I am ready to start developing some of my own stories into short stories, books, scripts and more. I am not afraid to give other people a peek into my life or my soul. I need to use words to also connect with others who I am not connecting with as deeply as I'd like and also focus on building the new relationships in my life with the people who want to be with me and stay focused on the people who have taken the time to love me or be a part of my life previously.  I'd like most of my phone calls to others to be personal and not business. As I share more of who I am, including the parts of me that I may not be particularly fond of, I hope to discover that I am not that different from anyone else and learn more about ways to adapt in this instant communication world where every word and action in analyzed or interpreted as being personal when most of us are entirely too wrapped up in our own lives to be thinking about others.

Keep it more private.  I know that every thought I have and every action I execute during the day seems to be a play by play on the Internet. I don't know what has compelled me to be so open. I don't feel like it has been an entirely bad choice because I have had hopes that a few people gain some insight into their own lives with some of the choices I have made as well as the emotional journey I have taken. I will still blog and do travel updates and such but I am not sure the world needs to know what I have for every meal, when I go to the bathroom or the details about every other aspect of my life.

Meet someone. Yes. I do want to meet someone. Female. Male. Young. Old. Single. Widowed. It doesn't rally matter but if I don't keep my options open through travel and honest communication, I will only run the risk of being alone for the balance of my life. I would rather keep taking risks and have experiences than experience life alone.

So that's where I am at the moment. Many people are asking me what my next steps are or what will happen or what won't happen. I don't have complete control over the lives of others, only mine, and for me, it's going to be a lot more focused as I simplify my life to do list.