i just refuse to show it.

quite frankly, i'm scared.
i'm scared of getting caught in a indeterminable cycle of melonchalia and joy.
i'm scared of contradicting everything i stand for.
i'm scared of becoming the reckless and devil-may-care girl i used to be.
i'm scared of...well, let's be honest.
i'm scared of me.

as i sit here and type this in the wee hours of the night,
iron & wine's remarkable cover of the postal service's "such great heights" saunters out of my speakers.
everything from the strains of Sam Beam's delicate vocals to the faintest strums of his guitar bear into my soul,
calming my nerves and temporarily chasing away my looming woe.
but, like the most loyal of beings, it'll come back.
it always does.

i'm not a religious person, nor am i spiritual in the very least,
but i pray for sanity.
i pray for balance.
i pray for something in this frenzied, tumultuous world to go right.
i often relay that the beauty of life is not in what is outright okay,
but what can blossom in the chaos.
but i often want to bite my tongue, allowing the blood to cover my tracks.

it is true, what Ben Gibbard penned.
"everything looks perfect from far away".
and i want nothing more than to put this car of my life in reverse and watch the show.