12/25/07

1. reply with your name and i will write something i like about you.
2. i will then tell what song reminds me of you.
3. if i were to apply an o'clock to you, i'll tell you what it would be.
4. i will try to name a single word that best describes you.
5. i'll tell you the most memorable moment i've had with you.
6. i will tell you what color you remind me of.
7. i'll then tell you something that i've always wondered about you.

1. List 20 things you want to say to 20 different people but you know you never will.

2. Don't say who they are.

3. Feel free to comment, but don't confirm or answer anything.

4. Never discuss it again.
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1.  Sometimes you annoy me so much I don't want to look at you.  But I love you more than anyone right now.

2. You make me laugh more than anyone else I can think of.

3. My favorite thing is sitting with you on the couch and talking about how much I hate everyone and how you listen and agree with me.  You might be one of my best friends, but I'm really not sure yet.

4. I wish you were around more.  But you know what?  You aren't.  So I'm giving up.

5. If there is anyone I wish I was still close with, it's you.  And I think you know it deep down, but maybe you don't care or maybe you don't feel the same way.  But I don't know if I'm going to keep trying.

6. I know what you say about people behind their backs and you probably should become man enough to say it to their face.

7. I think life lately has been ridiculously hard for you and I really wish I could do anything to make it stop, but I can't.

8. You are beautiful.  And I really don't care what people say about you anymore.

9. I wish I saw you more.  But I think we've grown apart, but I feel we'll still always have that common ground between us.  And I think that might be how a lot of best friends are.

10. I think you are probably one of the cutest things I have ever seen.  I wish I saw you more, but when I do see you, its always amazing.

11. A few of my best memories are with you, but I dont think I ever told you.

12. I used to hate you, but I think you changed.  Or maybe I changed.  But now I think you are hilarious and adorable.

13. I wish I got to know you more.

14. I kind of want you.

15. I wish I was more like you.  More outgoing and friendly and funny.  You're almost what I aspire to be.

16.  Maybe you'll move away, but if you do, I hope you don't forget about us back here.  But knowing you, you will.

17. I regret that night at her house.  Now you make everything awkward. Stop being so moody, too.  Get over it. 

18. I lost my chance with you.  But I still think about it all the time, what could have happened between us if I would have just opened my mouth.  But it's way too late.

19. There are people standing in the way of our friendship, but you won't make them move, and I probably won't either.

20. I love you more than you know, even if I never say it to you.

the last few days of my life have really.  Just been terrible.

on saturday I was supposed to hang out with Jenny and I was so excited because I haven't seen her in so long and I ended up getting in a bad mood over something fucking stupid and getting so pissed I literally made myself sick.  So I cancelled all my plans, but Jenny still came to visit which was really awesome.  But otherwise, I sat at home under blankets and slept and watched a movie.

On Sunday I woke up at noon, watched tv, went back to sleep for another 2 hours, watched more tv, finally showered, then went to work at 6. 

Today, I was fine.  Until the end of 2nd hour.  And I just got in this really horrible mood.  And by 4th hour, JT was upset, so I was even more upset because everyone around me was pissed off and I literally got the undeniable urge to start sobbing.  So I had to sit there and stare out the window for 10 minutes before Roxanne said something to me.

Whatever.  I just don't want to be upset anymore, but I don't even know why I am to begin with.  Nothing bad has even happened. 

This is so ridiculous.  There isn't a day that goes by when I'm honestly not pissed off about something.

Annndddd this is what I've become.

has kind of sucked.

I mean it wasn't like bad stuff happened, but it seems like everything (minus going to Germany and Lollapalooza) was stuff I did during school. 

I met new people, who are awesome.  I haven't lost any friends.  If anything, I've become closer with the ones I have.

Thats actually the first time in the past 3 summers I haven't lost a friend, which is awesome.

I don't care that school is starting.   I really don't.  Because last year at the end of school, I did whatever I wanted.  I went down to Rochams almost every night.  I hung out at people's houses.

I don't think anything is going to change.  Really.

I want every thought that runs through your mind to be about me.

I want you to know I hate you for it, too.

I want you to know I'll never say who this is about.

And I want you to know it's not about you.  Deflate your ego, first.

I want youto know I'm not irrational.  I know nothing will ever happen.

Don't worry.

I won't ruin anything for you. 

I know I don't need you.

I hope I don't need you.

But don't worry about me.  Really.

I'll get over it and you won't ever know there was something for me to get over.

I'm so excited to leave here.  I mean, I'll miss all my friends, but I need to leave.

I guess I'm the type of person when people can't tell I'm upset.  I've been upset for a very very long time. 

I'll probably delete this blog when I come home.  I just.  This family.  I don't know.  My dad sleeps in the basement on the couch now because my mom wakes him up at night when she moves.  He seems broken.  Like, this isn't  how he planned his life would be.  A sick wife and two daughters who constantly fight.

And my mom.  Well, she's crying because he seems to love the dog more than her, or any of us for that matter.  And he's always in the basement, never upstairs to watch TV with her or talk to her.  And she's crying because of the new medication they have her on  for this week's disease.

And my sister.  Today, believe it or not, we really didn't fight.  It's really a new thing for us, you know?  Every day for about the past one-two weeks.  Everything we say has been a fight.  She's taken something I say the wrong way.  She acts like my mom too much.

I'm just really, really excited to get that apartment with Ruthy our Sophomore year of college.  I honestly hope so much this plan doesn't fall through.  We made up a whole scenario today of what it would be like.  It would be perfect.

And now I'm nervous to go on vacation with my family.   All this time with my dad who I don't talk to anymore.  With my mom who will hopefully be okay.  But who I'm scared to talk to, worred I'll set her off.  And my sister who I don't know anymore, who I feel I have to walk on eggshells around, with no one but them to talk to. 

Hopefully my dad will stop not caring about us.  Hopefully my mom will be happier.  I honestly just wish she could be happy again.  Hopefully my sister and I will have more days like today.

I'm tired of the drama and I'm tired of the sadness that surrounds this house.  And lately, seemingly, my life.