Maybe some of you have experienced the same thing: emotional outbursts, moments of extreme rage and uncontrollable sobbing, and over what?  The smallest things send me into a whirlwind of self doubt and loathing these days.  Those who have something to say need to think it over and be careful with the wording unless you are okay with the choice words that may roll from my tongue in rebuttal.  One minute I am singing and happy, the next I am in tears and the very next after that I am throwing things across the room.  This always happens when things in my life become too "heavy;" when I rely on people or get too close to people.  I feel like I should be consulting a psychiatrist and letting him know that the symptoms are somewhat of a cross between bipolar manic depression and dissociative identity disorder, but I guess the symptoms can also be attributed to just being a woman.  I am trying so hard not to let my psycho side out, but it is on the edge...I am on the edge...I don't know how long I can hold it at bay.  Ahhhh!!!

So it's over.  She has been cremated, we have had the funeral, her things have been shipped to me here in Las Vegas for safe keeping and eventual passing down to future generations, and now it is over.  There's nothing left to do; nothing more to say and there are still bills to be paid and a job to go to. 

So, this is it for my funeral and mourning blogs...on to happier times.  I will also change my page by next week...make it happier...These are the holidays after all...a happy time of year.

Yesterday was my mom's funeral service.  It went so much better than I had expected.  Funds were limited and in turn limited what we could do for her, but I think it went really well dispite all that.  Normally you would have some clergy member deliver the Eulogy, but since we had been to so many funerals lately, Mom and I agreed that seemed impersonal and she wanted only people who actually knew her to speak truthfully about who she was.  I conducted the Eulogy and it was definitely a challenge to fill 20 minutes, but I did it.  I cried at times, but I was able to make it through everything that I had written, and at one point, my younger brothers got up to stand beside me and help me through the remainder of my speech.  Mom's best friend got up and spoke as well.  We were also suprised by an old co-worker of Mom's who showed up as well.  It was so nice to know that she made an impact on someone else's life.  Mom wasn't so sure anyone would show up to her funeral, but there was a very nice turnout.  Instead of programs I gave out CDs with about 40 pictures of Mom and family members on them.  The cover was my very favorite picture of her and the dates of her life and on the inside a little bit of an autobiography she wrote in the 9th grade that still rang true til the day she died.

Mom was cremated, but the boys and I got little urns that are necklaces so that we can keep her with us always.  We will be planning a trip to Kansas to scatter the remainder of her ashes.

So, it finally happened.  Mom passed away early in the morning on Tuesday, December 11th.  I got the news when I was at work.  It wasn't like it was unexpected, but I did think that I would see her before she passed.  I just had a few things to get situated before I left and all I really needed was a week, but a week was too long.  I wanted to be able to read what I wanted to say at her funeral to her before she passed.  I know she knew how much I loved her, but I guess I wanted to write something that would put it in no uncertain terms and I wanted her to know, not just the family and friends that attended the funeral.

This blog is not only a way for me to vent my feelings, but also a bit of advice for anyone who reads it.  I am not the type of person to express my feelings of love or adoration for another person.  I have always been pretty standoffish with my feelings towards friends, family and love interests.  What I have realized recently is that when you protect yourself from disappointment, hurt or rejection, you are also depriving yourself of the good feelings that come along.  And the feelings that you are shielding yourself from are nothing compared to the feeling you have when you realize that you are too late.  Life passes quickly and you don't want to end it with regrets.  So from now on I am going to be true to my feelings, every one.

In my last blog entry I said that I am now alone after the death of my grandmother and mother, but the truth is, I am far from alone.  I have two brothers that I love very much.  We aren't extremely close because of the big age difference, but it is time that I got to know them better.  I have a little nephew named Tater that just met me at the age of 2 a couple of months ago and his brother Nicky who, dispite his lack of blood relation, is still a beloved part of my family.  I have a few ex's that I have remained close friends to: John, Eric, and Alberto, all of whom have been there whenever I have needed them and Tim, John's brother and one of my closest friends.  Here in Las Vegas, I have Lorraine and Keri as my closest friends, but my department; my co-workers are so much more than that and I thank God for each and every one of them.

I love you all.

I guess I never really thought this day would come; the day when my mother's days were numbered.  I have thought about how I would handle it - if I would cry.  I get emotional at funerals, but up until that point I am relatively emotionless and that has really bothered me.  I always wondered how I could be such a cold person.

This time I wish I could be emotionless.  In the last few months I have lost my grandmother and my mother was diagnosed with cancer.  She was given 6 months to live and yet only one month after her diagnosis she is unable to stay awake, swallow, or hold the phone by herself. 

I couldn't speak to her yesterday, the nurse said that she wasn't able to talk, but I did speak to her for a short time today.  She told me the end was near and that I should come now if I wanted to see her before she died.

Of course I want to see her before she dies, but due to responsibilties I can't be with my mother on the last days of her life.  I know that I haven't always been the greatest daughter and we haven't always gotten along, but we talked on the phone a lot and I love her more than I could admit at times and I don't know what I am going to do without her.

I feel so alone and I have absolutely nobody and it's hard for me to act as though nothing's wrong.  It is hard for me to find a reason to go to work, pay bills or even wake up each morning.

I just need some time to sleep and sleep and sleep until this year is over and until this hurt goes away.