"Blackbird singing in the dead of night..."

Things just aren't so good today. Somewhere in the back of my mind there's a nagging feeling that keeps trying to find it's way into a prominent spot on my emotional train. Whatever it is it brings with it tears and sadness. I don't want that, nor do I need that right now. 

There's so much going on in my head right now. I feel like something is missing from my life, but I can't put my finger on it. I've felt this way before, and it goes away. 

I wish I was closer to my family. I miss them a lot. I'm not talking closer as in distance; they all live within a few miles of my own house. I've just kind of isolated myself from them. When I'm near them I don't say much and I basically come across as someone that just wants to be left alone. But that's about as far from the truth as it gets. I just feel awkward, and I don't know why. My older brother called me recently to thank me for something I did for him a while back. He has no idea how happy that phone call made me. I know that if I called him more often he would like it, but I don't. I don't call anyone, not even my own mother. When I have to call her for anything, which is very rare, she always asks 'Who is this?' She's joking, of course, and I always give her a little laugh, but it's not something I laugh at on the inside. It kind of embarrasses me. I'm sure in the end of time I will regret this deeply. I can't seem to change that part of me though. I just keep myself in a shell and let that part of my life go by without notice. If each of us dies in order of age I will live to watch my entire family fade away, one at a time. Each one will never know that I loved them. 'Tell them,' you say. 'Just tell them how you feel.' 

Love, love, love...

Some days you don't need anything to hold on to. You simply float along, smiling and happy. Other days you need to hold on to something just to keep things from slipping away...to keep yourself from slipping away. And then there are the times when you are hanging on, but you really are considering letting go. 

On rainy days it does not comfort me to know that the sun is lurking behind the clouds. All I see is rain and gloom. The sun only brings light so that I can see it clearer. All I feel is cold air and chilling wind.

In the midst of all the confusing emotions and despair... at the farthest, most darkest reaches of my soul I am filled with only one thing. Love. Basic, and pure. 

I wrote three full sized novels on here. Remember those days? I nearly finished my fourth, "Talie Rose" before I had the plug pulled on my access from work. I just don't have the time at home to sit and complete them. Started 'A Soldier's Tale II' and had a bunch of that pre written, yet never got back to it. It's not because I lost interest, believe me. AST II haunts me and will continue to haunt me until I get back to it and just write it already. I was reading part of 'The Storm' the other day and that's what got me thinking about all of this. That story was pretty scary, and it ended so well. I've written three novels. Soon after the release of our next cd I will have recorded three cd's. Two with Promised Eden and one with a previous band, Thru The Hollow. Those are major accomplishments for someone that is getting nowhere with any of it. Why do I keep going? What drives me to continue to write music, and what made me write book after book, blog after blog? 

She say's exactly what I want her to say. She is there for me any time I ask her to be there. With her gorgeous, silky smooth curves, she beckons me, but doesn't tease. I can ignore her for weeks at a time, keep her in the cold and when I need her she is warm and ready. Without her I can't speak, for she is my voice. Without her I don't cry, for only she can express my tears. She is every part of me. My anger, my love, my truth and my fears. But without me she is just a piece of wood with strings. I am her soul, and she is my heart.