It sure has been a long time since I've written anything, and I know there sure are a lot of people out there who are wonderning, what the heck happened to Chicken?  Did he finally get eaten by a giraffe?  Did he get locked up for erasing a certain Australian meerkat off the face of the earth?  Did he get abducted by aliens and is now enjoying a tasty Reese's Pieces existence?

No, I'm okay.  I've just been busy.  Takin' care of my Dad.

See, my Dad went back to school, and it's been, like, a hundred years or so since he went, so he's gotta get re-acclimated, and that's where I come in.  I've been tutoring Dad in the ways of the schoolroom.  I don't want him to get laughed at (at least if I'm not there to see it).  So I've been helping him with his homework (no TV 'till it's done), packin' his lunches (only one Little Debbie snack cake per day or you'll have no dessert by the end of the week!), making sure he gets up on time (which is why I tell my Mom not to clip my claws).

It sure is time-consuming being a Mom to my Dad.  And since my Dad is old and forgets things, I have to quiz him on what he's read or learned in class. 

He's learning some weird-ass stuff, let me tell ya.  There's this guy named Neat Chi and he believes that everyone can be Superman but he went crazy after saving a horse from dying and never got to fly.  And then there's this guy named Playdoh and he lived in a cave and he said we all live in caves, but I'm guessing this guy lived a long time ago, or is Batman, 'cause I don't live in no cave.  I did live under an underpass, though, when I was a baby...

Dad sure is learning stupid stuff.  But he's got this other class where he gets to take pictures all day long, but he's screwing that one up, too, 'cause I haven't seen one pasty nude model come lay on our sofa yet.  Dad's such a loser....

Oh, and he's takin' this class on the government, so I'm hoping he'll get to bring home some of that government cheese one day.  I sure do love cheese.  It's made from milk, and milk does a body good.

So sorry if I haven't had time to write any reviews or tell you about my awesome trip to New Orleans, but I will soon, I promise.  Meanwhile, who the hell is gonna help me with MY homework?  Geesh.....

Sorry it's taken me so long to write, but I've been pondering something that has left me with no good answer:

Is there anyone in the universe more cool than Han Solo?

I mean, really?

Sure, there are a lot of bad-ass mo-fos out there, but no one matches the utter coolness of the bad boy of the galaxy.  Lando Calrissian may be the pimp of the galaxy, but not the coolest guy in the galaxy. No sir, not by a long shot.

Tell me, are any of these peeps even close?:

James Bond (cool gadgets, but he doesn't end up with a princess, does he?)

Captain Kirk (I don't think the Enterprise made the Kessel Run in less than five parsecs...)

Cap'n Mal (Han flies his own ship, he don't need no stinkin' crew)

Barack Obama (that's HAN Solo, not Hussein Solo)

Cool Hand Luke (Newman never got frozen and thawed out of carbonite, did he?)

Dirty Harry (Han carries a 350 Magnum LASER pistol)

Frank Sinatra (Han Solo is NOT from New Jersey)

Jello Pudding Pops (would melt on Tatooine)

Colt 45 (the gun AND the beverage)

The Spanish Inquisition (If Han doesn't believe in the Force, he sure as hell don't believe in God)

President John Tyler (Han isn't a creepy pedophile that marries a girl half his age and then has 11 kids with her and gets ex-communicated from his political party)

Hugh Hefner (Han would have been able to give Holly Madison a baby)

Gene Simmons (although they both love money, Han Solo has great hair)

Richard Simmons (Han Solo does NOT sweat to the oldies)

Sharks With Freakin' Laser Beams (Chewbacca would eat them right up)

Sawyer from Lost (Han Solo is a con man with a bounty on his head)

Captain Crunch (Han Solo does not get soggy in milk)

Kirk Cammeron (Han Solo does not get growing pains)

Elvis Presley (Han Solo would not die on the shitter)

Stephen Colbert (Han Solo's pistol was exhibited at the Smithsonian long before Colbert's portrait)

Sam Elliot (Han Solo would never drink Coor's Light)

Harrison Ford (Han Solo would never partner with Josh Hartnett for anything)

So if you think you know someone or something cooler than Han Solo, let me know.  But remember, I'm only gonna live for another ten years or so.....

I've got a really bad head cold.  My eyes are squirtin' out eye boogers, my noe is sneezing out kitten boogers, and I don't wanna eat anything 'cause it all tastes like boogers.

You know you're sick if you got this many boogers.

But my Mom and Dad wipe all my boogers away, making room for the new boogers.

I sneeze so much and so hard I knock myself over.

All I wanna do is sleep. I don't even have the energy to think about school, or Millie, or smackin' around Bob the purple jingle ball.

My Dad is takin' me to the doctor tomorrow.  He said if I'm good I could have a lollipop, although, cats and sticky things don't mix well.  I just hope I get to see Dr. Huxtable.  He's funny, and I sure could use a laugh.  But not a big laugh, 'cause I'll probably cough up a lung if I laugh too hard.  Or spew lots of boogers all over the place. And that just isn't very nice.

I just hope I get well soon.  Being sick is pretty craptastic.

Oh crap, I gotta go.  Too many eye boogers to see to type anymore.  Stupid boogers.

This is what Moms are for:  gettin' a cat to school.

The right school.

Steve Irwin Elementary, I'm home!

That's right, I walked my fluffly little butt right into those hallowed halls and straight to the Principal's office.  I figured I'd be sent there for missing the first week and I had no idea of which classroom to go to.  Thanks, Dad.

Mrs. Secretary walked me down to my new classroom, 'cause second-graders don't go to baby first-grader classrooms.  We get to use brushes when we paint instead of our fingers, although I still have to use my paw.  I can't hold sticks in my paws.  That's why I don't eat Chinese food.  Then again, that's probably why you never see Chinese cats:  Eat or be eaten.  If you can't hold a chopstick, then a chopstick will hold you.  I sure hope my teacher isn't Chinese.

We walked in and I had a Mrs. Teacher.  Not the same Mrs. Teacher from kindergarten, but a different Mrs. Teacher.  This Mrs. Teacher is black, like my brother Tupac and my sister Stella.  So I'm totally in with her.  Tyler Perry rules!

Mrs. Teacher gave me a desk and I looked around to see if I saw Millie.

Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no!

Millie's not in my class this year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shit.

Take a deep breath, Chicken.  Maybe you can see her at recess or at lunch.

Okay, well, Jimmy the Monkey is here, which is cool.  No sign of Gary the Gorilla, which is super cool.  Wonda the Wombat is here, too.  Mackenzie, the Poodle, check.  Ollie the Octopus, good. 

But who the hell are all these other kids and where were they last year?

So now I gotta get to know a whole new group of peeps. 

Damn it.

Damn it all to hell!

Second grade is suckin' the big one right now, let me tell ya.

So anyway, Mrs. Black teacher said we were gonna learn about George Washington Carver.  So she asked us if anyone knew who he was.  I raised my paw.

"George Washington Carver is the president who chopped down the peanut tree, had false teeth, and ran our econmoy into the ground during the OPEC oil crisis of the Seventies."

I have never been stared at for so long in my life.

Mrs. Black Teacher sure does put her hands on her hips and roll her eyes a lot.

If I knew the real answer, I wouldn't need you to teach me, now would I?

Stupid public school system.

As soon as lunch time came, I sprinted like a fluffy bunny down to the cafeteria to see if I could find Millie. I looked around frantically.  Then a light from heaven and a chorus of angels pointed the way to my beloved Meerkat.

Who was giggling and talking to some stupid boy Meerkat.

WTF?

So I went over and I said Hi, Millie.  And she looked at me like she didn't know me for a second and then she said, Oh, this is my friend from Australia, Martin the Meerkat.  We met when I went home for the summer to see relatives.  He's going to be going to our school now, Chicken, isn't that great?

Son of a bitch.

Well, let me tell ya.  This second grade thing is not workin' out so well for yours truly.

I have no idea what we learned the second half of the day.  The only thing I learned was that I was going to win my woman back, no matter what it takes.  Martin is going down, back down under, that stupid arrogant Aussie piece of Veggemite crap.

She will be mine.  Oh yes, she will be mine.

After I do my homework....