HOUSE OF WAX (2005)

           


 I would normally start this review off by warning any readers who are eager to see this movie of any spoilers but the movie is so predictable I'm really not spoiling anything.

Welcome to my 3-part review on movies that include waxy buildings! As mentioned in my last note I would be going backwards with these starting with the most recent of the makes and as mentioned before as well, this movie certainly did leave a bad taste in my mouth when it was through and I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it out on you.

Now I haven't seen the other two yet (well I suppose to be fair I have seen the Vincent Price one before but I was just a child at the time) but I know the premise pretty well: "An amazing wax figure sculptor gets in some accident where all of his creations are destroyed and he is unable to properly sculpt anymore which drives him mad to the point that he will kill and set his victims in wax so he may have his lost wax figures back." The 2005 rendition suffers from, what I like to call, Texas Chainsaw Massacre Syndrome (TCM Syndrome for short). Now to be fair to the TCM remake, everything that was in that movie was supposed to be in it (albeit poorly executed) but it set off a chain of events that would make its way into future horror movies like a horrible, bleeding from the pores, plague. For example, House of Wax!

I looked up IMDB and verified that House of Wax was not done by the same people who remade TCM but that certainly didn't stop them from ripping it off! Lets go down the formula that made TCM (2003):

1) In the middle of nowhere Hicksville, USA
2) Killers are one giant happy family (aka everyone in town is in on it)
3) Hero/s and victims are group of teens on a roadtrip a long way from home (off to a concert)
4) The group consists of 5 people: 2 couples (one couple who are the traditional sort and the other couple who are very much sexually active) and a 5th wheel who is deemed the "funny guy"
5) Girl from the traditional couple is sole survivor

Now remember this formula because now I'm going to tell you the tale of the 2005 release of "House of Wax".

We start off at a diner-WAIT! I almost forgot about the REAL beginning. The opening scene that is supposed to create the theme of it all. It's 1974 where some lady is molding a wax face in her kitchen as her kid is eating cereal. She let's him know he's "being such a good boy" when the father comes in the room dragging in another little boy who's kicking and screaming and just plainly going apeshit. They strap him in his seat with leather belts followed by duct tape as well, because a child could break out of the leather binding, y'know? The child sounds and acts like some demon or something. The mother then says "Why can't you be more like your brother?" Keep in mind you don't see the kids faces at all [sarcasm] could that mean something? [/sarcasm]

Okay, now we get to the diner ... somewhere... when we learn our cast is six plucky friends on a roadtrip. We have Carly and Wade, the love birds, Nick and Dalton, BOTH are outcasts to the group (one funny and the other a dick), and Blake (token black guy) and Paris Hilton (not saying her characters name because she was in this movie just for people to see "Paris Hilton"), the sexually (diseased) active couple. The trip is to "the game of the year!" I'm assuming its the Superbowl because they toss around a football at some point. They seem to have already gone pretty far on their trip but Blake found a "shortcut" on his GPS that should shave an hour off the drive. But the short cut is blocked off so they are forced to camp out for the night, for some reason, on a convenient strip of land along the road that apparently doesn't belong to anyone due to Wade's idiotic reasoning of "we didn't pass a gate." ...because, you know, if you own property you HAVE to build a gate around it... idiots.


                                                                                       


While camping in "fenceless freezone" Nick starts picking a fight with Wade and so Carly asks him what his deal is and Nick then says "Your the good twin, I'm the evil one." So with that we get to learn (by them just piling it down our throats, all at once) that not only are they brother and sister but they are also twins. Twins? Good and bad twins? Why, didn't they mention this before? foreshadowing? Not quite. Anywho, after that, a truck drives up in the campsite shining it's brights on them and just sitting there. If this was real life I'd probably assume that this was the truck-guys land and think that he might be a bit pissed off that we were on his land, punch Wade in the junk for being a dumbdumb, pack up, and leave. But since this is a movie (and a horror movie at that) logic must go out the window for this and they just get mad at truck guy like he's crazy for wanting to be there. No one even attempts to walk up to the window to see what the guy wants. Not that that would've been smart either but it would've been smarter then to throw a bottle at one of the headlights which is what Nick (the douche-bag) did. Instead of running them all down (which is what I would've done and I'm not a crazy killer) the truck decides to leave.

Next day they all get ready to leave but Wade's car won't start. Apparently his fan belt broke out of nowhere and they aren't thinking, even a little bit, that maybe it wasn't wise to throw a bottle at a random guys truck. Well, Wade tells everyone to go on ahead and he'll hitch a ride with a town local to the gas station to get his part and then he'll catch up with them later but Carly decides to join. Granted, this would probably be a sweet gesture of not wanting to leave your boyfriend behind but, really, its just the movie telling us ahead of time that someone is going to die and that it will most definitely be the guy. Anyways, everyone goes on ahead (without even trying to hide the fact that they don't care they're ditching their friends) and Carly and Wade go with the redneck citizen of Hicksville, USA, off to the town of Ambrose.

Well, it doesn't take long for Carly and Wade to get all stereotypical and think that this guy is going to kill them so they tell him that they'll just walk the rest of the way. They make it to Ambrose but the gas station is closed because the guy who owns the place, Bo, is at a funeral so, to kill time, they go to the House of Wax which is, wait for it, made entirely out of wax. The whole building. Wax. I'm just going to skip my whole rant on this not being the slightest bit possible and get on with the story. 1 point for trying to be creative but -100 for being stupid. Anyways, they go through the house of wax and admire how real it all the figures look. Wade even likes how lifelike the dog looks, which is actually real and barks at him... har har. Funny.

After screwing around they head back to the gas station to meet up with Bo but he doesn't have the right sized fanbelt but Bo says he does have the right size at his house. So they go there to get the fanbelt. Bo goes in and Wade goes with because he has to use the bathroom. Already I'm thinking "Bo is being really nice and generous to these guys so I know he's the killer. Not to mention I know he's probably the evil twin too>." Anywho, after going to the bathroom, Wade decides to dick around some more in this strangers house and go through all of Bo's things. At this point Wade gets kidnapped and eventually killed, via being waxified (yes, I did use the word "waxified") but I don't feel bad in the least bit for him. Wade was an idiot and a dick so... fuck him.

So Carly gets worried and gets out of Bo's vehicle to see whats up. It is then, FINALLY, she realizes that Bo's truck has a broken headlight and gets worried. Bo comes out alone and Carly runs. Bo, pursues. Carly learns that the entire town, save for Bo and his bro (yes, rhyming pun intended), Vincent, are all made of Wax. BTW, how did they do in the entire town? Certainly people would get suspicious of the wax sculptors when people went missing and randomly a wax likeness of the person in question would be on display. I wonder how the last citizen was feeling when he finally got caught and waxed?


                    


  Well, that plot-hole aside, Bo catches Carly, takes her to his gas station, ties her to a chair and superglues her mouth shut, and probably is planning to rape her when, Nick shows up.

Oh yeah! I forgot! The others get caught in traffic and realize they aren't going to make it to the game of the year so then they decide to turn back... well most of them do. Nick and Dalton go on ahead while Blake stays with Paris (at the same camping spot from before) to do the nasty (emphasis on nasty).

So, when they get to the town Nick and Dalton split up which means... eeny meeny mineeeey... moe! Dalton (the funny guy) dies via loosing his head. This is the first time we really see Vincent, Bo's twin brother. He is wearing a wax face for some reason. This kill is actually interesting for one reason. The knives Vincent uses. Two knives: one handle has a dragon head on it and the other has a dragon tail. Really neat design, however POINTLESS in a movie of people who kill via WAX! HOUSE OF WAX!

So nick goes to the gas station and eventually finds out his sister is in there. He fights Bo a bit and gets in the station and locks all the doors so Bo can't get in and Nick finally saves his sister. I say "finally" because I am already hoping things would wrap up.

So we go over to Blake and Paris Hilton having sex... and they die. These characters being completely useless. They aren't even in the town! Vincent just decides "oh I think I'm gonna go kill some people in my un-gated property!" Yes, friends of the main character are supposed to be cannon fodder, and I can even enjoy this tried and true formula but only if done right, but this isn't done right! If the friends die its because they either were trying to help the main character out, the killer uses the kill to bait the main character, or if the friend is trying to ditch the main character. Something that revolves around the MAIN CHARACTER!!! what point is killing these people if NO ONE IS GOING TO KNOW ABOUT IT?

Now its the final showdown! Twins against twins! House of Wax is on fire and melting! Bo gets a brutal death but at the price of Nick getting really injured. The thing is, I thought this ending might be, at least, neat. The whole hype was twins. Good and evil. So I'm thinking maybe Carly tries to convince Vincent that he doesn't have to do this because he's the "good" twin and that Vincent would realize she was right and saves Carly and Nick from the house melting on them but at the cost of his own life. Well... that didn't really happen. Carly tries to convince Vincent but he decides that he still wants to kill Carly and Nick. Nick and Carly eventually double team Vincent via stabbing him in the side and they claw their way out of the wax building to escape. Enter bad effects of melting building!

We fade out to the next day and the town is crawling with cops. Where the HELL were they when the original townsfolf became wax sculptures? Apparently the cops, along with everyone else, just forgot that Ambrose existed. Nick and Carly get taken away in an ambulance and everything is okay now... EXCEPT: Sheriff learns that their weren't 2 killers, there was a third brother! And, while driving past, Carly see's the hick who gave her and Wade a ride with that dog from before! Dun dun duuuuunnn!! Enter a sequel that is never going to happen... I hope.

This movie is predictable, stupid, and just horrible! Oh, and did you do your checklist? Lets see!

House of Wax (2005)

1) In the middle of nowhere Hicksville, USA
2) Killers are brothers and only living folk in Ambrose (essentially everyone in town is in on it)
3) Hero/s and victims are group of teens on a roadtrip a long way from home (off to the game of the year)
4) The group consists of 6 people: 2 couples (one couple who are the traditional sort and the other couple who are very much sexually active) and a 5th and 6th wheel where who is deemed the "funny guy" and the other "misunderstood"
5) Girl from the traditional couple is sole survivor... with her brother (who was an extra wheel even more so the the 5th wheel funny guy so it works)

I wonder if these directors didn't realize that Scream was making fun of the pattern and predictability of horror movies these days and just took it as a free checklist for their own movies instead.

So what's my verdict of this movie?

Preserve or melt? What do you think?


       

 BURN BABY BURN!

This is Tom the Bomb Majestic and I will return soon with my next review on: House of Wax (1953) Good day all!

With the Halloween season in the air its hard not to get in the mood for a few horror flicks. Well, I suppose for me the statement would be that Halloween makes me seem less creepy when I watch them. Anywho, lately I've been in the mood for the classics. You know, the Universal Studios monster movie classics: Dracula, Frankenstein, Phantom of the Opera, The Wolfman; Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff, Lon Chaney, and Lon Chaney jr.

 All these names aside this link, http://www.cinemassacre.co..m/new/?p=2604 , reminded me of a name that held a bigger impact to me then anyone else (thanks to my Dad), Vincent Price. So I've decided to start my classics with "House of Wax" but I noticed that this movie will technically be a three-parter for me for "House of Wax" is a remake of the 1933 "Mystery of the Wax Museum" not to mention the 2005 remake "House of Wax".
 


 With that I had to decide how I was going to watch these movies and I had a hunch that our 2005 contender was probably not going to hold up to the classics very well and I wasn't quite keen on ending this adventure with a bad taste in my mouth so I decided to walk backwards with this. Going back in time I will start with the 2005 version then I'll move to 1953 to watch Vincent Price do what he does best and, finally, I'll arrive at 1933 and witness the movie that inspired two remakes.

 So join me on the next few notes I post as I decide (in my own opinion, of course) whether these movies should be preserved in wax so that future generations may see it for themselves or if they should be thrown in the furnace and melt away from existence!

So I have been asked to actually watch the movie "Twilight" and make an "angry" or "upset" review similar of my "Hard Rock Zombies" review.  I decided to go ahead and do so BUT I first think I should subject myself to something good. So I watched "Dark City" and here is a quick review for that.


 Dark City starts out in a disguise of a bad movie.  Things are weird, confusing, and moving at a really fast pace. I say that this is a disguise because, after finishing the movie I realize that this was brilliantly done. The difference with this and a bad movie is that a bad movie does this throughout the entire film and never delivers an explanation.

 John Murdoch wakes up in a hotel room in a bathtub with a small cut on his forehead and no memories of who he is or what he's doing there. He sees a dead woman on his bed and the phone rings.  Without much explanation, John is told by the voice on the other line that he must hurry out of the building for "they" are coming for him. He gets his things and runs off. Before leaving the hotel the clerk told him a diner called and said he forgot something there. Meanwhile three albino-looking men in black trench coats and hats appear and search johns room.

 Okay so I said this was going to be a review but really its just an advertisement. See this movie. Dark City is amazing.  The movie only starts out weird, confusing, and fast paced because it puts you right in John Murdoch's shoes.  Learning things just as he is (maybe just a little before too) making things go from weird to weirder to HOLY HELL M. Night Shyamalan only WISHES he could pull off a twist like this!

 Seriously, go see this movie.  If you watch it and end up not hating it, then you might as well be watching Twilight.

 btw, Twilight review is next.

(if you are new here please start with the first part, the official 7th blog, and work your way up)

  The creature quickly takes a defensive posistion and cackles, "If you know who I am and why I wasss sssumoned, then you mussst know that it is imposssible to defeat me."

  "Oh?" Hatter asks.  "But you don't know who we are.  And thinking you are an all powerful being without even knowing your enemy is a bad mistake.  Make this fun for me, okay?"

  "Who do you think you are?!"  The demon starts to grow large spikes from its shoulders.  "I am the bringer of the end!  When I am sssummoned there is no ssstoping me!  I am-"  He stops speaking.

  Hatter's grin fades away.  "You are the Serpent King and, to be honest, you were no fun at all."   The "Serpent King's" body then splits in half and turns to ashes. Hatter pulls out his watch and looks at it in dismay.  "Only thirty seconds?  Come on!  And he was so confident in himself!  I tell you, some backwater monk writes a story about you bringing up the end and you think you are all powerful?  Take a number."

  Brobdin pulls out a clipboard from under his coat and checks off something.  "I forgot how fast you are Hatter.  I didn't have anytime to see you in work."

  "Well, I wish he would slow down," replies Mr. Kudo.  "Hatter, we are the Gentlemen Squad, which means we have to use the three strike basis.  Give the target as much time as we can to join us.  Not eliminate at first decline.  Why did you even want to join this squad if you had no patience?"

  Hatter puts his smile back on, "So that I may improve on that virtue."

  Kudo starts to lift up his cane but before he does anything Brobdin cuts in, "No time to squabble.  My apologies, Mr. Kudo.  I will make sure Hatter gets reported for this."

  "You're such a do-gooder."  Hatter says with a sigh.

  "As I was saying," Brobdin cuts back in, "he will be reported for this but now we must return."

  On the corner of Line and Krew the three "Gentlemen" begin walking down into the darkness until they finally vanish.

 

 

 Well, thats it for the mini-parts for now. Just a taste for things to hopefully come.  Hope you enjoyed this prologue and I hope I do get back to this story.

(if you are new here please start with the first part, the official 7th blog, and work your way up)

  Two minutes finally pass and Hatter puts his pocket watch away.  "It is now midnight."

  On the corner of Line and Krew, right in front of the three men,  a hole opens from the ground.  Almost like a portal.  Out from the hole some strange creature climbs out.  The hole closed and the creature gave a confused stare at the three.

  It had a human form: arms, legs, the works, but that was the only thing human about it.  Black scales cover his entire body except for his chest and stomach which is just a grey and slimey skin.

  The creature pointed at the men and says with a hissing voice, "And jussst who are you?  How did you know my ssssspawn point?"

  Kudo replies with a kind retort, "That is not important.  What is important is why we are here."

  The creature asks, "Then why are you here?"

  Before Kudo could speak Hatter steps in front and answers for him, "We are here for you, good sir.  You see, we know your purpose being here.  We know who spawned you and we are taking care of him as we speak.  You, however, get a choice on how this is handled.  Come with us and use your abilities for our cause or,"  Hatter pauses a moment to let out a huge grin, "you can refuse."

  The creature bellows a disturbing cackle.  "Oh really? And what if I do refusssse?"

  Hatter's grin just gets wider, "You already have."

  "It is nearly midnight," said the one in the top hat while looking impatiently at his pocket watch, "Are you certain this is where he will show, gramps?"  The large one put his hand on his shoulder.

   "Settle down, friend," he said in a deep and somewhat scratchy voice, "this intel came from the top, it's never wrong.  And please give your elder some respect.  Refer to him as Mr. Kudo."

   Kudo slowly turned his head to the other two.  "Brobdin's right,  Hatter," spoken slowly and in a raspy voice, "be worried when the watch tells after midnight, however there will be nothing at all to be worried about.  The intel is, indeed, never wrong.  I am, however, getting a little tired. Tell me, how much longer until midnight?"

  Hatter glanced at his watch, closed it, and said with a grin, "Two minutes."

  On the corner of Line and Krew three men are waiting.  Waiting for something to happen.  It will happen in two minutes.  Midnight.

  Three men standing on the corner of Line and Krew.  They all are dressed very formally but almost in an exagerated way.  One has a top hat and monocle, his suit jacket has tail feathers, and pinstripe pants.  The second is large, almost inhumanly.  Not overweight; just giant like and very muscular.  He is wearing a giant leather trenchcoat with the collar up covering the bottom half of his face with his black fedora covering the top.  The final one is an elderly man with long grey hair slicked back and his body covered by his overcoat.  He holds himself up with a well carved cane made of silver and a large and round red ruby handle at the top.  He has a very odd mouth piece attached to his mouth and jaw, probably some sort of respiratory device.  They stand at the corner of Line and Krew.  They wait.

 

  Good evening to all and to all a good night.  This might seem like a small blog for tonight but its really a begininng.  I might have another one tomorrow. So be ready.

 

  Oh yeah.  Ludo is awesome! Check them out! Their concert rocked! Be sure to pick up "You're Awful, I love You"  as well as theire other albums, self-titled "Ludo" and "The Broken Bride."  Ludo rocks and you must learn of their awesomeness!

 I've lost count.  I can easily look back at what the last blog said but that would take a small effort more then what I'm all ready putting forth into this so I'll just say we are at the sixth blog now because I am almost certain I am right.  If you correct me then I will cancel something you will not want cancel *cough cough* easter *cough cough*

  On to business.  I am hungry.  Very hungry.  I think I will have some chicken patties when I get home.  And as I wait for the chicken patties to be ready I will have a bowl of Pops. Yes, I'm hungry. 

  Either last blog or the one before (I think the latter) I professed my great dislike, nay, unnatural HATE for the movie:  Hard Rock Zombies.  Actually it is officially my 2nd time stating my hatred toward it but meh, who's counting?  Well, over the weekend I saw a zombie movie that brought out the exact opposite of feelings.  Diary of the Dead has to be one of the more innovative Zombie movies I've ever seen.  First living dead films I've seen where I was actually a little cautious in my surroundings... even today.  Pretty much follows the Cloverfield formula and everything is on camera.  Only the people with the cameras are super rich so their picture are more clean.  If you can't find a theatre to see this then go ahead and wait for it to go on DVD.  The quality might take more of an impact if you saw it on a TV anyways.  Great movie and, dare I say, best zombie film thus far?  Pretty damn close.

  Onto pressing matters: catworms.  If you see these creatures then I highly suggest you run.  Even then it might be too late.  If you find that they are nesting in your basement then move out.  Don't pack or take anything with you. I'm sorry but those items are now property of the catworms.  You can try and live with the catworm but they are so damned annoying.  They will never, and I repeat never, leave you alone for snacks.  Always with the wanting the fudge and they never believe you if you say you don't have any.  Bastards.  I hate catworms.

   I wrestled with Abe yesterday.  No, not the president, the other one.  The oddworld Abe.  Yeah, I know.  I even tried to go easy on him.  Still a piece of cake.  Except he kept throwing rocks at me and when I tried explaining to him it wasn't allowed he tried taking over my body.  Good thing I don't take kindly body snatchers.  We had twinkies afterwards.

  Almost time to head out.  Gawd I'm hungry.  Well, peace, yo!

 

 OH YEAH! ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

 LUDO WILL BE PLAYING IN CHICAGO AT THE METRO ON THURSDAY, FEB 28th!!!   IT IS A CD RELEASE CONCERT FOR "You're Aweful, I Love You"  YOU SHOULD DEFINATELY SEE THIS CONCERT AND EVEN MORE SO GET THIS CD! IT IS AWESOME!!!

  Well, nothing really to report on this end. My blog silliness hasn't been able to muster anything as of late.  Not sure what the problem is.  I probably should prepare a little more then improving.  Well, maybe next week will prove to be a little more silly but while I'm here I might as well "blog" a bit.

  Been really addicted to Treaty of Paris as of late.  Their new CD "Sweet Dreams Sucker" is amazing.  You peoples should go pick it up.  And speaking of music I am really amped for next week when I go to the Ludo concert at the Metro.  It is going to be awesome! I highly reccomend you peoples getting a ticket while you can!

  As of late I've been wondering to myself, where is my life going?  I'm in a failing job, haven't returned to school in ages, and have done nothing to progress what I really want to be doing.  So far I'm sorta fixing the latter of this. Tax returns are going towards my computer. I'm going to be getting a HD camera and video editing software.  I'll also be getting a tablet and various other items.  I hope to be making small video projects in the near future.  As for a new job, I could start looking around but this also leads to my schooling problem.  I want to go back to college and finish up but I do not want to go back to COD.  I want to go out somewhere, I won't say better because COD is really a good school, just to be out somewhere.  Maybe UIC and I can work on a job and a place to live out in chicago.  If I could find a job with a nice pay then maybe I could even transfer to Columbia, that is, if I'll even need to.

  Well, my future is pretty mixed up right now.  I hope to figure things out soon but who knows how that's gonna work out.

 Well, Ciao for now.

A quote that comes to mind after seeing "Hard Rock Zombies." That quote comes from the game "Dead Rising" and it is quoted by the best villain in it, the killer clown.  This is what he says, "When the zombies came, everybody DIED." That is what he said but I have to alter that a little.  After seeing "Hard Rock Zombies" I became very upset, Dead Rising's storyline changed, and the quote is altered.  This time when you meet the clown he will say, "When Tom came, everybody DIED."

  Now its been probably a little more then a year since I saw that movie but it still upsets me when I think about it so, once more. Please.  PLEASE do NOT even think about watching this movie.  You have been warned.

  This blog is going to be a little different today.  I've got some words.  First off, the V-Day is coming soon.  Hope you guys got your sweetheart a nice present and a romantic day planned out.  As for me, I'm a bit happy I don't have anyone to share this day with.  More money stays in my pocket this way.  A bittersweet day for me I suppose.  Still though...

  Well, onto my next topic:  Devil May Cry 4 and Next Gen Games in general. DMC4 is amazing.  I loved it.  Still playing it and think I will keep on as time goes on.  Here are my gripes now.  The DMC series is well known to have a WHOLE LOT FULL of goodies to unlock.  This time around DMC4 = not so much.  Well some people say there will be downloadable content (DLC) for that.  Now here comes my gripe for Next Gen Games.  Next gen games are a scam.  These games should be loaded with extra content to begin with.  Yet we still have to download it.  AND PAY FOR IT.  WTF? It's bad enough to pay $60 a game ($70-$80 and beyond for those "special collectors editions") and yet they have the stones to say if we want these new goodies they made we still have to throw money at them.  Now I can understand some games like Rock Band or Guitar Hero because they give us a whole lot of content straight from purchase.  Others are just scamming us.  Something needs to be done about that and fast. Anywho, I still love DMC4.  Just upset with how empty it is compared to its predecessors.

 3rd Topic: Dreams. Dreams are supposed to be a world of imagination where you have control (given that you realized you are dreaming).  As for me, I've no clue what wrong with me.  The only dreams that give me comfort are my nightmares.  I love those.  And when I'm having a "good" dream, well, I must have some kind of subconicous low self-esteem issues because my dreams are terrible.  I won't get into details but lets say from time to time I get those "x-rated" dreams and I'm either mocked or denied or both by the partner I am paired with for this paranormal event.  It really bothers me. 

   Well, here's blog 4.  Sillyness should return next week. Just thought I'd use this as an actual blog and get some things off my chest today.  Ciao all!