i want to run until my legs give out, but i'm terrified to step outside of this house and into sunlight.

keep finding myself pacing, tapping my foot, drumming fingers on any available surface.

i have the frustrating sensation that something big is about to happen.

(but)

what happens if nothing happens? what then?

i was looking at computers/tech goodies for sale on craigslist and jokingly mentioned one in particular to calvin.  he not-so-jokingly asked if i'd like him to get it for me.  and a few minutes ago, cal spoke to the seller over the phone.

we pick it up tomorrow morning.  huz-fucking-zah!

for anyone who does not know, i work for www.dogstuff.com, an online specialty retailer that focuses on, duh, a dog theme.

while most of my job deals with updating and maintaining merchandise images/descriptions, we have a skeletal on-site staff (thanks a lot, raini/ari/theresa. come back!), which means i also run from desk to desk, answering phones, processing new web orders, and (drum roll, please) replying to customer emails.

it is the latter of these mindless daily tasks i wanted to share with you, and i swear, it’ll take two seconds. here we go.

customer email:

"What kind of goodie are in the bag?" (this is not an excerpt, this is the entire body of her email. and yes, she has forgotten her "s"...)

thankfully, this cryptic question is accompanied by a link to the product in question (shown below). i click.



wonder of wonders. this lady went to our website. clicked on category "Stationery". clicked on subcategory "Wrap".... i don’t get the confusion. i wonder if i should have told her that inside the bag would be a beautiful, glittering ring-- the most fabulous ring in the world! but the ring is only visible to the truly wise -- a fool would never know the ring was there....

(dropping in to yammer on to myself, kindly look the other way.)

ah, the clarity that comes with the last 4 days before a payday. i realized just today that i have nothing but old dead lady food in my cupboard, a quarter tank of gas in my car, and a nicotine addiction way too expensive for as young as it is. i can hang on another lousy couple of days, though, friday's just a hop, skip, and a froggie jump away. friday i'm in love.

my lease is up march 31, meaning i've survived this whole living-on-my-own thang for almost a year now. no one can fathom how jazzed i am to say that. seriously. as many times as i've imagined starting over, moving far, far away, living the odd dream, there's always been a Someone Else in the picture, helping to make it all possible. a kickass brother or best friend or some dumb guy. while i've gotten a lot of help from various sources since moving to austin 6 years ago and i truly appreciate every drop of kindheartedness offered me, being able to live where and how i chose-- independently, without compromise-- it's been like a 12-month-long miracle. i feel a thousand times better about who i am and what i'm capable of. and that's awesome. now i just need photographic evidence of this apartment before i move out and can't prove later that i really did manage to scrape by on my own for a time. because i forget things when i get bummed out. really obvious things, sometimes. and i'd like not to forget this whole experience 15 years down the road or whatever when i have a particularly bad day or something.

i'm totally not sleeping right. summers do not stay up late and still function the next morning. maybe i need a new bedtime routine. i usually turn on both my xbox and my nes, play on the latter until my eyes cross, and then click over to a burned season of the office for background noise while i drift off. tonight i stayed as late as i dared at cal's playing wow before retreating to my place for some dr mario love action. but after playing a half-hour, i realized i wasn't getting sleepy. not at all. so i made a classic mistake and picked out a dvd i like way too much. the movie ended ages ago and i've been typing to that annoying menu screen music loop since.

where did xavier go? anyone? he suddenly does not appear to have a profile on myspace, and i get a bit worried when he just vanishes like that. fucking ninjas. xavier, if you've decided to make a fresh start for yourself by pretending to be a middle-aged housewife in Vermont online, i'd be ever so grateful if you'd clue me in. le sigh.

by the by, i had this dream last week about my boss, his wife, and her golden retriever guru friends all being members of this way-too-normal-looking-from-the-outside church of satan. there was chanting and oldpersononoldpersonsex and blood drinking; the works. since then, i'm pretty sure i haven't been able to look my boss in the eye. i think i'm afraid he'll read my mind, conclude that my trauma- and/or substance-induced amnesia is wearing off, and kill me before i expose him and his devil-sucking wife to everyone in the dog world for what they really are.

i only mention this because i'm still trying to figure out why i can't sleep. it's after 3 am, and old girlies like this one need their shuteye.

and because i'm out of things to yammer about.

good night?

i woke up in the dark, freezing. checked my thermostat, and apparently summers freeze at 68 degrees when they go to bed with their all their sheets and blankies still in the wash. frances, i love you but if i get the flu, you're gonna camp it out in the other room next time ;)

i'm one of those people that never remember my dreams, or at least enough to bother sharing. don't worry, i'm not sharing this time, either. still, it's nice that i can recall a beginning, middle, and end to the one i had before i woke up all shivery-like at 4 this morning. i will say that i was proud of how i reacted in the dream. i went totally chuck norris on this faceless bad guy that came after addy and i.

sweeter than simply being able to recall my own dream for once was the fact that i was able to pick up on someone's wireless network last night, and it still worked when i woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. i've spent the last 4 hours scanning random craigslist ads (looking back at my browsed links, i'm apparently interested in everything from adopting a deployed solider to owning my own square inch in any one or all of the 50 continental u.s. states to the immeasurable benefits of regular hypnosis therapy). beer me a life.

today we go house-hunting; my lease is up at the end of next month. calloo, callay!

hello, my two-legged kittens.


it's been a long, long fucking time since i've talked to anyone. well, anyone i a) didn't work with, b) wasn't currently dating, or c) developed inside of and eventually emerged from my womb.

by, the by, i seriously hate the word "womb."

so here i am, tentatively poking my head above ground. is there a shadow? we'll see.

today, i got my car back. again. nina the blue neon has been at the goddamnmotherfuckingcocksucking dealership in georgetown for a month. i paid $993 and some change to get her back saturday, just to drive back to georgetown after 2 hours and return her because she was b-r-o-k-e-n. but she's back, as of this morning, and working beautifully. like she was when i fucking dropped her off in the first place. it's such a long story, i'll do anyone silly enough to read this a gigantic favor and sum up: my state inspection sticker needed to be renewed, badly. tomorrow i'll get my registration renewed before work, and nina will be all up-to-date like. lovely.

so things have been kind of messed up. lately, most of these things have smoothed themselves out over time (see above). but geez, oh my gawd, i need to apologize, and i know this isn't the most tactful platform for heartfelt apologies, but there's a lot of ground to cover, and i'd like to start now. late last year, i got a bit odd. nothing specific brought it on, i think it was just a little overdue, really. anywho... i started crying in grocery store aisles, and restaurants, and clothing stores, and in the car, and at work, and.... yeah. i wasn't so much as bummed out, as just... not me. i felt -- off -- all the time. it didn't really have an effect on anyone else, so i just tried to wait it out, but then i started bailing on stuff that i really shouldn't have. kevin and brittany, i am so sorry about not being there at your wedding.... i love you guys and i wanted to be there and show my support and cheer you on, but seriously, i was freaking out in my closet at home, literally turning circles on the carpet until i had actually made myself too late to attend. sweet reverend lindsay, i totally freaked out hours before i expected to show for berry's bday just because i was suddenly terrified to see... pretty much anyone there. and while that was many, many, many weeks ago, *you* in particular are still the reason i kind of haven't even looked at my cellphone any time it's rung since that night. i was (and have been) so, so flipping ashamed of how weird i felt and how i reacted that i didn't want to face you calling me out on it. anywho.... it took a while, but i finally rolled into my doctor's office (heh, it had been so long, they actually moved and i showed up at the wrong place) and asked for help. so.... i'm on medication again, and feeling a little less crazy. and that's nice.

in the spirit of bitching about messedupedness, i'm just going to say something else that really ought to be said to someone in particular, but i haven't the nerve. i fucking miss raini. oh my fucking god. i've had dreams, oh so, so many dreams, about her, but every single one has been horrible and revolved around her being angry with me, which naturally scared me from doing anything about all this rainicraviness. i'm grateful that she's cast me a couple times here and there at rocky... i mean, i did miss playing and all... but seeing her sucks ass. i hate not being close. i hate that i c-o-n-s-t-a-n-t-l-y have to skip past songs on my ipod because they make me miss her more, and that i feel choked up when i have something hilfuckinglarious to share (this week, thanks to my big brother's strange website endorsements and the unpredictable plumbing problem at work, a single day both began and ended with a girl and a cupful of shit). anyway. i'm just whining to myself, so don't mind me.

other things that have occurred since my last documented visit to myspace/lj... christmas day (or night, rather), i got engaged. my dad actually emailed me the other day to ask if "we were still happy about it." he went on to remind me that, of course, he was happy as long as i was happy. while, fuck yes, it's nice to have their (apparently blind) support, that still left me scratching my head. ::shrugs:: oh, well. cal and i are throwing ideas around on where to go for a honeymoon (another word i never liked), and since we're passing on ceremony i think we should just go all the way out and hit europe. so yeah.... if you know of any flight specials...? =D

okay, so 'lost' is back tonight. it's been rumored (and not confirmed, since i'm too impatient to open one lousy new browser window) that the drafthouse is going to show it for free each week. thursdays are busy for calvin at work, and i feel bad getting to go see it on a big screen when he has to stick with the vcr thang, but... seriously, getting to watch all new episodes with a bunch of other nerds at the drafthouse sounds way too good to pass up entirely. so..... if anyone else is interested... oh my gosh.... please say so. (oh frances, why do you have to be out in the middle of nowhere?)

all right. i have so got to go back a cake. i wish it were for a happier occasion, but this will be a goodbye cake. theresa is leaving dogstuff (and austin), and while we have agreed to make this distance thing work (she will be living with my brother, after all), she's still going to be taking a little piece of my summer heart away with her. le sigh =(

good night.

so, i have 7 minutes to jot something of an update to you, my dears, and then i'm leaving work for the day.

i probably should have checked my last entry so i'd have an idea of where i last left you...

living alone has probably been the best thing to ever happen to me. i feel i'm growing as a person, and while this growth is not always as evident to others, i occasionally get a little feedback that i find encouraging. i've received a fair share of it lately from those who know me best, and i gotta say, it's nice to hear this isn't all just in my head, y'know?

california was nice. in summary: some people really don't change that much, even after 10 years. it did rock to see ramon, ryan, beth, amy, travis, dereck, anthony... even if our time together was brief.

since my return to the miserably hot state of texas, i've been drawing again, rocked out to aof, bfs, and a few guys in between, got a new phone (with a camera, yay), started smoking again, saw cal again, got my car working (!), and am trying to be as sunny and positive a person as i can manage. just, you know, because it's a good thing to do.

i wish i could say more, but it's been 11 minutes, and i've got two people waiting on me.

later, all

this morning upon waking, i resumed re-reading the end of book 6, and urged addy to read faster.

this afternoon, i resorted to holding swimming over adrienne's head as further motivation to get her to pick up her speed.

a few minutes after my latest attempt to regain access to my prized last-ever adventure with harry, there was a knock at the door. it turned out to be deven, who had arrived bearing a second copy of deathly hallows. bless his sweet, nerdly heart.

suddenly a little bit scared to dive into this last story, i instead convinced deven and adrienne to go to the movies and watch order of the phoenix again.

omg.

it hit me so, so hard this time. not the storyline, but the proximity of this looming dead-end. i cried coming out of the theatre and on our way home. i just... i don't want it to be over.

deven dropped us off out front and i climbed up the stairs with a heavy little odd heart. double-bagged, knotted, and unaccompanied by a note, a 3rd copy of deathly hallows hung from my front doorknob, waiting for me.

i'm done re-reading book 6, walking and feeding the moose, watching addy swim (no point in not letting her now that i've got two extra copies under my roof) and i've got an almost-full pack of marlboros. it's time to take on this book.

i'll see you guys on the other side.

so, dig this, space kitties:


summer zee odd
and the escalating disappointment

wednesday
- i am reminded by one miss lisamarie that this friday is THE friday. and i weep. because i'm pretty sure i'm quite without the funds to procure myself a copy. (because, darlings, i buy from wal-mart. i don't pay in full to preorder from b&n or whatehaveyou.)

thursday
- i summon the courage to face my bank account balance. it's not so bad. not so bad that i have to miss out on book 7, anyway. the kingdom rejoiced.

friday
- o, happiness, thy name is wal-mart, blessed be thy name.

time cannot pass quickly enough. after work drags on and on, i go home and try to busy myself cleaning house. adrienne is quite excited to accompany me to get a copy at midnight. *so* excited she falls asleep reading on the couch. at a quarter 'til midnight, i attempt to rouse her. after trying to talk to her, tickle her, /poke her, and strain my back trying to pull her up into a standing position with dissatisfactory results, i carry her to bed and resign myself to getting a copy first thing in the morning. (my attempts were many, i feel i deserve something for trying as hard as i did to wake her up and get her in the car. for serious. i was this close to using the imperius curse.) a little bummed, but content to re-read for another night, i retire for the evening.

saturday/today
- we take our time getting showered, dressed, walking the moose, etc. finally we are ready to drive down the street to wal-mart for the book. and groceries. because food is good, and our fridge is emp-tay. davey 'gravy' cox is there, so we have a pleasant little run-in before continuing with our shopping and making our way home. after lunch, we settle in to read this wonderful, horrible, best-ever, worst-ever, last-ever book. after 3 pages (one of them being the dedication and the second being the prologue), i realize that sitting ear-to-ear with a 9 year old is no fucking way to read a 750+ page book.

ladies and gentlemen, this is why i'm asking santa for a pony for christmas this year.

i told adrienne that because she *just* finished re-reading the 6th book and because i was only halfway through re-reading it, that i would let her have the deathly hallows all to herself today, while i would continue to treasure book 6 all over again until she was done.

so here i am.

and i am going...

....absolutely...
...positively...
...thoroughly...
...well on my way to 100%...

B-a-N-a-N-a-s.

*the end*

haven't written anything for a while, so this is me sharing more out of what i suppose is my imagined sense of obligation or responsibility or something than out of real (can't-sit-on-it-anymore-it's-that-awesome type of) need.

i haven't been quiet because there wasn't anything i normally consider worth sharing... there's been a-plenty going on in my odd little world. sometimes it feels like too much, though. just figuring out where to start. i want to quit before i begin.

my parents came and went. i was a little disappointed. i keep expecting the next visit will have to better... that if it's true that with age and experience comes wisdom, eventually we'll all be able to just appreciate one another they way we are. it'd be nice to lay aside the bitterness for a couple of lousy days and just enjoy our time together while we have it. is that a silly thing to hope for? at any rate... they came out, we all went to houston to drop noah off with anthony and josh (for anyone who doesn't know... noah is my little brother, anthony is my big brother, josh is the awesome boyfriend anthony just moved in with), and there was much, much noah drama. it's not that private or anything, but i can't find the energy to get into any real detail on the subject.

highlights of my family time...

- adrienne was happy, happy, happy. it was such a blessing that she was able to enjoy grandma and grandpa time without noticing any of the underlying stress.
- calvin finally met my parents, and he survived. he and my dad seem to like each other. as for my mom... well, cal just asked me not to ever turn into her. people don't seem to understand that the whole reason i AM the way i am is because i feel *someone* has to make up for how my mom behaves.
- anthony and josh's house really is beautiful inside, and i'm so happy for them. really, though, just seeing anthony and josh together is enough to consider a highlight of my visit. they're so, so, so wonderful together.
- anthony and noah asked me to come visit them regularly. so i've agreed to spending one weekend down there a month. i get my own room while i'm there, see two brothers, my boy, and the-awesomeness-that-is-josh.

what
else.

been feeling pretty useless lately. very spacey, detached, withdrawn. i don't want to talk, eat, draw, write, read, move, breathe. i got the opportunity to do some really rad stuff lately with friends that i know i should have enjoyed a lot more than i did, but, i just felt too removed. i'm a bit worried about acting like a drag around other people, so i've resolved today to lay low for the next week or so. maybe i can shake this dumb blue funk sooner if i have some proper solo time. le shrug.

changing
direction.

shinobi (for the nes) is driving me a wee bit loopy. i really wish they had a "continue" option, because i'm getting really annoyed at having to restart from the very beginning when i die. i get so crabby and curse-y, my dog has taken to lying underneath our little dining table on the other end of the room when i start playing shinobi, instead of cuddling up by me.

all right. i'm done rambling. perhaps i'll try it again in another month, or whatever it's been since i last posted something. have a good evening, darling children.